cessy68

Hi guys, most of you know my story, so I will make this as short as possible. (I know- never short with me.)

The abf has his own business - he just informed me tonight - that he is 'moving' his business location. (been contemplating it for a while)

I said "that's great hon- if you think it will do better in that location."

I'm so frigging scared. Because he is going into this location- that is right around all the stuff he does. It literally is inbetween every shady bar that he hangs out with, in an area that he goes to w/ his 'party' friends.

Currently he still goes to those places - with his 'guys' - they have all hung together in these places for many, many years-- but because it's 45 min from our house and his business--- he only does it once a week or so.

Now he will be smack inbetween two bars, where these people hang....etc. You all know what will happen right? I know I shouldn't be letting the future grab hold of me - but I just know. It's a proven medical fact, that if a person so much as drives by an area where they used to use drugs etc, the brain chemistry changes.... it's a 'green light/use light' that transpires.

He is only going to go down the tubes. I'm scared. I guess I know that sooner or later he would end up gettin 'worse' like we all have talked about- well guess what? This will be the straw to break the camels back. I just know it. I don't want to sit back and watch it all unfold. He's going to just slowly slip away..........

I know I sound scared and needy, and pathetic. But I can't just sit back and KNOW what will happen. My fear IS based in realtiy - by the way. Because his sister lives near these places. He has NEVER once driven to his sisters- and come home. Once he's in that area - he "has to stop in" and see the 'old crew' etc.......

This is going to be hell for me.

Impurrfect

(((Cessy)))

Sorry, sweetie....so what are you going to do to take care of CESSY while he's spiraling down the tubes.

I know it hurts. As long as my XABF was at his mom's things were great. As soon as he went back to the town we both used in, my heart just sunk...and he always went back. In fact, that's where he's in jail at, right now.

It sounds like he's made his decision. Trust me, he does know what he's doing. No addict is going to move TO where he uses if he's serious about NOT using.

Time to take care of you, sweetie. Let go or be dragged.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cessy68

ya know Amy, he has been still useing - and has been 'functional'. We talk about this alot... (me & everyone here)-

he's just moveing his business there.... we aren't moving (our home).

That is why I'm so flippen scared....... when is it all going to start. where my functional addict starts not comming home from work, because he's "stopping for 1" right next door.... where the guys that have 'the pills' hang allll damn day? How long will I be here waiting.... for the slow death that I know will come?

How do I change it for me? By telling him now, that I'm 'out' if he moves his business there- because I have a crystal ball and KNOW what will happen?

I just don't know how to even approach it. Yet, not approaching it makes me feel like a sitting duck...... suggestions?
Thankyou for writing me amy.
Love,
cess

bluebelle

They say that addiction is a progressive disease. I totally believe that. I have seen it with my own eyes. I lived in denial for a long time with my ABF. He seemed to be handling everything. I noticed that he probably took too many pills, but it didn't seem to be hurting him that much. Of course, things only got worse.

You cannot do a thing about his choices. When my ABF's mother was in the hospital--about to die--he would unhook the morphine for a second and drip some into his mouth. Seriously. Did I see a trainwreck coming? Certainly. Did I tell him that was a stupid idea? Yes. Did it do any good? Obviously not. It was a good year before he came crashing down to the point that he "reached his bottom." Well, kind of, because he relapsed 7 months later.

Meanwhile, my life spiraled out of control. I had more and more problems with depression and anxiety. My panic attacks increased. I isolated myself more and more from my friends--because I was trying to hide his behavior. I was covering it up. Pretending everything was o.k. So, what happened to my life? It fell apart. I became completely depressed. Between the impossible situation at home, and the impossible situation at work, I pretty much lost my mind.

I am in no way an expert. I don't have any great suggestions, since I'm so messed up with this codie stuff myself. However, I will say that it is imperative that you take care of yourself. Your life will become a nightmare if you are waiting on pins and needles as to wondering what will happen next.

How long do you want to ride on the merry-go-round? I ask only because I keep asking myself the same question. I'm not sure how many more times I can go around and around. At some point, the ride needs to stop, or I need to just get off.

Impurrfect

(((Cessy)))

Okay, think about the question you asked "how long will I be waiting?" Who is the only one who has the answer to that question? You.

At what point, in YOUR mind, is he going to become "not functional"..what is it going to take? I'm not being harsh...been there done that...heck, I was with a functional alcholic for 20 years! I'm just asking you, because it will help you to decide what your boundaries are, NOW, so you have them in place when they happen.

Is it coming home late? Not calling or answering the phone? Coming home obviously high (meaning he DROVE home that way?) Think about what you will have to see to make you see that he has gone from functional to nonfunctional and what you will tolerate and what you won't tolerate.

Being prepared always helps. It doesn't make it any EASIER, but at least you don't feel quite so blindsided when/if it happens. Of course, with an addict, there's always a chance that they will still do something you hadn't thought of, but at least you have a good idea based on their past behavior.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

ItsmeAlice

Maybe the fact that you can see this chaos coming down the road ahead of you is a blessing.

Maybe ahead of time you can set some healthy boundaries for yourself and vow to stick to them.

I learned a lesson this evening about being blindsided. I got complacent about checking the 'signs' and walked right into a no-win conversation with a drunk ABF this evening. Where I used to get despondent and cry over it, tonight it sent me into an absolute rage. It was all I could do not to scream, throw things, or worse yet knock him on the head. I had to hold myself together until I could get some time to myself on my treadmill. Whew! Thank goodness for that.

My point is that you see this coming with your AH unlike I did this evening and can plan how you will respond and detach when/if things go pear shaped.

Keep your focus on you and listen for your HP and it will be less of the hell that you imagine.

Peace to you.

Alice

outonalimb

Cessy...

You don't know what the future holds so why are you wasting all this energy worring that he will go from being a 'functional' addict to a 'non-functioning addict'?

Whats the magic line where he goes from an acceptable functioning addict to an unacceptable non-functioning addict? How much time and energy do you want to spend trying to decide if he's crossed the line yet?

Whats the upside in staying with an addict for you? I think you said in an earlier post that it was financial. Your paying a mightly big price...
Whatever it is, is it worth all this fear, turmoil and stress?
Maybe its time to get the scales out and measure this all out again.

MyJoey

Cessy,

We live in the same area, you know that? SMILE
I know this is hard, but if I were you I would start preparing myself by putting away some money and taking other precautions for when it happens, you know it is just a matter of time. As his addiction progresses you will get sick of it and it will be not be so hard to walk away....If my addict was not my son I assure you, I would have already been gone. You will get to a point that you have had enough. Only you will know when that time comes, between now and then you need to take care of yourself. Personally I get so sick of worrying about my AS that I have to tune him out by just getting myself wrapped up in yard work or anything that keeps my mind busy.

Callie

Cessy,

I don't know if you know of my whole story or not, but my AH was a functional addict for MANY (12-15 years??)years before he got out of control. Once he lost his job it was ALL downhill. I asked him to leave, he went to his moms and it got worse and worse and worse. It got worse for a few reasons. Once he started losing things, he used more to numb the pain. Once he was living with his moms it became available right around the corner. All he had to do was ask "mom" for some $ and he had it. It was easier for him to use in that environment.

All I can say is that if this is what he's going to do and you are going to stay with him, protect yourself financially @ all costs, get a nest egg built up if you don't have one. Hold on and get ready for a bumpy ride. It is 100% a progressive disease.

I personally would throw a fit and try to stop him, but that wouldn't work anyway because an addict will do what an addict wants to do. I know what it's like to live with the elephant in the room. I spent years trying to figure out if it was a real elephant or an imaginary one. I knew it was real, but AH had convinced me it was a harmless, friendly, pink, imaginary elephant.

winnie12

I agree wholeheartedly with myjoey.
you see him heading for a fall so strap on your parachute so he doesnt drag you down as he goes. spend your energy getting yourself protected so that he cant pull you in this time. worst case your ready for it - best case you dont have to use your evacuation plan.

my mom and dad have a great marriage - they're about to hit their 50 year anniversary. but my mom always had a little box in her makeup table that had a stash of money - why i'll never know but i think its like when she explained to us that when we went on a date we always had to have money on us - she called it "mad money" - so that if we got mad at the guy we would have our own way out and wouldnt be stuck with him. it was always enough for a cab, for a bite to eat, and for telephone calls to get help. So even though she had a good marriage and wasnt even remotely thinking about leaving, she knew that things could turn at anytime and she was going to make sure that she was protected. because of that upbringing i've always had my own money - always made sure that whether a guy stayed or left that i was protected on my own.

Freedom1990

One of my favorite sayings is "The only constants in life are God and change." I still don't like change. I usually meet it with my feet firmly dug in and kicking and screaming all the way because I fear change. But in the end, when all is said and done, it's all for the better and I wonder why I made such a big fuss about it.

The other saying is "the difference between God's will and my will is my will hurts." That has been true for me 100% of the time. I don't think God wants you enmeshed with an active addict, functional or not, nor does he me.

It took a lot of pain, and a lot of dysfunctional relationships for the light bulb to come on for me, and finally take responsibility for the choices that I made, and not point the finger at all the guys that I chose. That's when I finally made a commitment to work on my own broken-ness, if you will.

I'm pleased to announce for 10 years now I haven't found it necessary to look for that knight in shining armor, to engage in a toxic relationship. Walking through the discomfort of being alone, of having those nights that seemed to drag on forever without a warm body beside me in bed did not kill me, and I began to identify myself as an individual, and to get my feel-goods through self-affirmations, and not through bedroom activities with a partner, or having a significant other in my life, regardless of how unhealthy he was.

I am worth it, I am worthy of someone who is not in active addiction, who respects me and genuinely cares about my feelings, someone who values me just as I am. Until I ever had hope that I might have a partner like that, I had to become that kind of person to myself.

cessy68

sorry for the long 'quote' but I can't figure out how to highlight just a portion of what I'm responding to.

It's funny- I'm not afraid of change or being alone. I'm just afraid of loving and looseing. Usually I'm the 'leaver' and the roles feel reversed for me here. Whatever..... what I'm trying to say, is anvil asked me once, if "this is the one relationship I don't walk away from.... maybe because there IS SO MUCH constant change within it".

that makes sense to me.

I got to get up the courage to work on exiting stage left. I don't know what good will come out of this- I don't want to watch him go further south..... and I don't want to be falling with him. Thank you for the advice.
cessy

Serenity Bound

Cessy, All I can do is parrot what the others have said.....Have a plan...have your $ & parachute ready. Take care of YOU!!!

Hugs,
Chris

cessy68

keep pluggin away at school, and work----- and takeing Winnies advice, and stashing away some $$$ so that when the crap hits the fan, I'm nice and insulated financially.

THx,
cessy

Chino

Highlight (left mouse click) the stuff you want removed then delete

Cessy, I'm an adrenaline junkie. Too much of the same thing drives me bat chit insane. I finally stopped engaging in personal 'life' drama when it brought me more pain than excitement.

Now I create and pursue more healthy outlets for my craving, stuff that doesn't involve pain and anguish. Last night I said I can't take it any more! and, within 15 minutes, booked a trip with my husband to Monument Valley, Utah. We leave in a week.

A few years ago, when both kids reached legal age, I asked him why he's still married to me. We married when I got pregnant and had never discussed marriage before that. Anyway, his answer was "I want to see what happens next." That was music to my ears because I feel the same way. He loves and craves adventure and excitement just as much as I do, but never the bad kind like I did.

Eh, I get so long winded sometimes trying to make a point. Cessy, there ARE people out there who will tango with you, if that's what you crave, but if someone only wants to break dance, you'll never find rhythm with them.

cessy68

let's see if this quote worked........

k, thankyou for the message.... you are a very, very, very lucky woman. wouldn't that be great. To find someone who will provide 'healthy' excitement..... tango.

For now, I'm going to work to a solo point, then maybe a healthy loving partner will come along.

You are right - and I appreciate knowing you can have that 'adreniline' with someone who won't cause you anguish.

Take care,
Cessy

Serenity Bound

Chino, That's awesome...Don't know how far it is from St. George, Ut...but that's a beautiful area too!! (my sister lives there)

Cessy, The solo sounds great! Keep working on you.

cessy68

Well it's confirmed. the abf came to my work and took me to lunch today (high and happy as a kite) that his business deal is finalized.

I recieved many phone calls from his friends and family (non of which have the b**** to say anything to HIM) that this is going to be the road to perdition for me.

They called and 'poked the fear bear' inside of me saying things like "cess-- he will NEVER come home at night.... he's going to be living in his old hang outs.. he will be RIGHT THERE inbetween both of them"

I know I SHOULD say, "gee, then that will be HIS problem...." bla bla bla. BUT the bottom line is I'm terrified of the truth that will be shown. Mark my words, I will be here in 3 months typing at 2 a.m. devestated.

He asked me today, "why I think it's a bad idea?"

I told him we'd talk tonight.

I don't know what to say to him. I don't think anything I say will end up effecting the outcome anyway..... so what do I do? Where do I place my fear? How can I keep my feelings bottled up?

I don't know how to handle my feelings. I'm sorry if I sound weak or pathetic. But if you see a train wreck comming.... how do you not express to someone you love, that the FRIGGIN TRAIN IS COMMING>>>>>>

I need some help.

You all gave me so much peace earlier.... and It feels like a tidal wave came and knocked me off my feet tonight.

Thanks
Cess

Freedom1990

Why? What in the world is keeping you from making changes in your life right now, Cessy? What is paralyzing you?

cessy68

I'm so flippin sad freedom.... I 'thought' we'd muddle through. And we never fight---- (once in a blue moon.) Especially since the 'pills' are his doc, he's 'happy' all the time, and dosen't even 'see' there is a problem with 'us'.

I don't know what to do..... say to him NOW-- Hey let's break it off because I know with this move, you will only get worse, and I won't be able to tolerate it?

And I'm not kidding,,, not even a little, Right now, I really need his help financially---- if I could hang on just a little while longer and arrange things. God grant me some guidence..........