Sticky Job Situation vs Bad Economy...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm always amazed at some of the things I read in order to 'help' an addict get clean/stay clean.
I had 30 days in rehab, and then it was out in the real world to be a single parent.
I had two choices-stay clean and become a responsible member of society, or use again and die, leaving a daughter without a mother.
There was no one monitoring my finances. There was not one single family member putting boundaries on what I was to do/not do.
I had a full-time job within a week and was supporting myself and my daughter.
The bottom line was I wanted to stay clean/sober more than anything else in this world.
I don't believe in doing things for the addict that he/she can do for him/herself IF they want to stay clean/sober more than anything else.
Just my two cents.
I had 30 days in rehab, and then it was out in the real world to be a single parent.
I had two choices-stay clean and become a responsible member of society, or use again and die, leaving a daughter without a mother.
There was no one monitoring my finances. There was not one single family member putting boundaries on what I was to do/not do.
I had a full-time job within a week and was supporting myself and my daughter.
The bottom line was I wanted to stay clean/sober more than anything else in this world.
I don't believe in doing things for the addict that he/she can do for him/herself IF they want to stay clean/sober more than anything else.
Just my two cents.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
I'm always amazed at some of the things I read in order to 'help' an addict get clean/stay clean.
Crazy eh Freedom?! At the time, it's all I could figure out what to do.
I had 30 days in rehab, and then it was out in the real world to be a single parent.
I had two choices-stay clean and become a responsible member of society, or use again and die, leaving a daughter without a mother.
There was no one monitoring my finances. There was not one single family member putting boundaries on what I was to do/not do.
I had a full-time job within a week and was supporting myself and my daughter.
The bottom line was I wanted to stay clean/sober more than anything else in this world.
I don't believe in doing things for the addict that he/she can do for him/herself IF they want to stay clean/sober more than anything else.
And look at where that got you Freedom! Nobody to take care of you except you. And you made it! I believe that there would be a lot less addicts if us codies knew what we were really doing.
If I only knew then what I know now -- that everything I did, "sacrificing" myself for the sake of saving my husband, made it incredibly worse -- I would have never done it. It was never my intention to enable his disease, but that's what happened from my "support". I truly believe that I became that codependent enabler as a result of my environment. And it was as slow and inciduous as his disease was. I never saw it as enabling at the time, part of it was just survival for myself and my girls and the "dream" of the "normal" family life.
And every time I forgave -- every time I "supported" him (found meetings for him, worked on "his recovery", made his appointments etc etc) and it didn't work, it would literally kill a little part of me -- made me feel like a failure -- not good enough to change for -- sick sick thinking. I could not save him -- I didn't have the power, none of us do. He has to save himself. Again, Mishie, concentrate on yourself and your child. He's going to do what he's going to do with or without you. I'm not saying not to be a caring human being. Just be careful of the slippery slope.
Laurie
Crazy eh Freedom?! At the time, it's all I could figure out what to do.
I had 30 days in rehab, and then it was out in the real world to be a single parent.
I had two choices-stay clean and become a responsible member of society, or use again and die, leaving a daughter without a mother.
There was no one monitoring my finances. There was not one single family member putting boundaries on what I was to do/not do.
I had a full-time job within a week and was supporting myself and my daughter.
The bottom line was I wanted to stay clean/sober more than anything else in this world.
I don't believe in doing things for the addict that he/she can do for him/herself IF they want to stay clean/sober more than anything else.
And look at where that got you Freedom! Nobody to take care of you except you. And you made it! I believe that there would be a lot less addicts if us codies knew what we were really doing.
If I only knew then what I know now -- that everything I did, "sacrificing" myself for the sake of saving my husband, made it incredibly worse -- I would have never done it. It was never my intention to enable his disease, but that's what happened from my "support". I truly believe that I became that codependent enabler as a result of my environment. And it was as slow and inciduous as his disease was. I never saw it as enabling at the time, part of it was just survival for myself and my girls and the "dream" of the "normal" family life.
And every time I forgave -- every time I "supported" him (found meetings for him, worked on "his recovery", made his appointments etc etc) and it didn't work, it would literally kill a little part of me -- made me feel like a failure -- not good enough to change for -- sick sick thinking. I could not save him -- I didn't have the power, none of us do. He has to save himself. Again, Mishie, concentrate on yourself and your child. He's going to do what he's going to do with or without you. I'm not saying not to be a caring human being. Just be careful of the slippery slope.
Laurie
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Hey there
Here is my 2cents worth sorry if I repeat someone else's idea. If they want to get clean they will. If they are just trying to calm the family down they might try to act like they are clean.
No matter what counseling they get they will still do what they want to do.
He is more at risk in his present job. But, and it is a big but he can still get dope no matter where he is. Right now might not be a good time for him to quit his job. Maybe he can look for another job that doesn't have a cocaine friendly atmosphere but he may not find another job.
Your ex could decide he doesn't want your daughter living with a drug addict so do keep her in mind no matter what happens. You might really want to think long and hard about marrying him....
Times are tough for regular working folks right now. I hope you will do what is best for you and your situation. Take good care of yourself!!
Here is my 2cents worth sorry if I repeat someone else's idea. If they want to get clean they will. If they are just trying to calm the family down they might try to act like they are clean.
No matter what counseling they get they will still do what they want to do.
He is more at risk in his present job. But, and it is a big but he can still get dope no matter where he is. Right now might not be a good time for him to quit his job. Maybe he can look for another job that doesn't have a cocaine friendly atmosphere but he may not find another job.
Your ex could decide he doesn't want your daughter living with a drug addict so do keep her in mind no matter what happens. You might really want to think long and hard about marrying him....
Times are tough for regular working folks right now. I hope you will do what is best for you and your situation. Take good care of yourself!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I have learned the hard way that I can't do the recovery for my ABF. It is his recovery. I can't plan it, I can't make sure that he goes to counseling, I can't protect him, etc. I tried to direct his first recovery and it didn't work. He ended up relapsing. I now figure that his recovery is up to him. If he really wants sobriety, he will figure out a way to be sober. If he doesn't want sobriety, nothing I do can help him.
I have finally realized that I don't know what is best for ABF. I am not a substance abuse counselor. I am not a psychiatrist. On this website, I've heard, "Hands off the addict." for a long time. I am finally learning what this means.
As others have said, this is the time to concentrate on yourself and your kids. What are you doing so that you can be independent? How can you protect your family? You cannot control the addict. You cannot keep him clean. You can only control your actions.
I have finally realized that I don't know what is best for ABF. I am not a substance abuse counselor. I am not a psychiatrist. On this website, I've heard, "Hands off the addict." for a long time. I am finally learning what this means.
As others have said, this is the time to concentrate on yourself and your kids. What are you doing so that you can be independent? How can you protect your family? You cannot control the addict. You cannot keep him clean. You can only control your actions.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Making tough choices when it comes to the father of your children and the love of your life is not easy. And it doesn't always feel good - especially when it goes contrary to the way things SHOULD be. Unfortunately, things aren't always as they should be. And that's why healthy, personal boundaries are so important. We can't control someone elses recovery. In fact, when we do try to control it, it's not even their recovery any more. It's our sickness - our need to control - taking over and it destroys their chances at getting better.
It's not easy, but I force myself to do what I would advise my best friend to do, if she were in my situation. It doesn't feel "good" sometimes. But I know it's the right thing. I need to step outside of my comfort zone to ensure that things are right for me, my children, AND the addict in my life. In the end, I think we have to accept that it's our problem. Not the addicts problem. We can only change things that are within our circle of control. Someone elses addiction is not something we can change. We can only move on, doing the best we can for our children and ourselves.
It's not easy, but I force myself to do what I would advise my best friend to do, if she were in my situation. It doesn't feel "good" sometimes. But I know it's the right thing. I need to step outside of my comfort zone to ensure that things are right for me, my children, AND the addict in my life. In the end, I think we have to accept that it's our problem. Not the addicts problem. We can only change things that are within our circle of control. Someone elses addiction is not something we can change. We can only move on, doing the best we can for our children and ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by timetogo 
And look at where that got you Freedom! Nobody to take care of you except you. And you made it! I believe that there would be a lot less addicts if us codies knew what we were really doing.
Not only did it put considerable physical distance between myself and my then physically abusive and psychotic AH, but it also put considerable distance between me and my codependent parents who were my best enablers during my active alcoholism/addiction.
They would not have understood the concept of detaching with love. The few times we did have interaction (when they came to visit), I got so frustrated with their attempts at controlling, I literally had to ask them to leave.
I truly believe I would not have been able to maintain long-term recovery had I had enablers in place.
Be gentle with yourself. I didn't mean to upset you! :ghug :ghug
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