UNHAPPY777

Well this weekend started off on a bad note. My husband got off from work on Thursday and just as I thought no call. He really really tries to stay clean but, he can't do it on his own. Also the girl is a factor for those who remember me. Well about 1145 Thursday night my home phone rang and once again it was her saying that she wanted to know if me and my husband were still together because he has been with her tonight and he had his ring on. She said he told her he only had it on because she wouldnt talk to him. I would normally get mad . But this time I didn't respond and I just said GOODNIGHT in a soft voice. My mind tels me that the only reason why he goes over there (USUALLY ON HER PAY DAY) is to get money to buy drugs.
So at @ 100am I look out my window and once again he's sitting in the driveway and I went back to bed. So, at 500am he was still sitting there but, by the time I got the kids up at 6am he was gone. I figure he probably didnt want them to see him in his condition.(His off days are Fri and Sat)

So, I drop the kids off at daycare and the freeway is packed and by now he's called my cellphone 5 times leaving one message saying he lost his job. I still didnt awnser. He called 3 more times and still ignored. I did get off the freeway and go home because traffic was stopped and it would have taken hours of just sitting there. When I get home he's there and the manipulation starts. Of course he didn't loose his job it was just a ploy to get me to call. We talked and he exclaimed his love for only me BLAH BLAH BLAH..... You know the story. You caould tell that he had been doing drugs by the look on his face and in his eyes. Before I wasn't sure but now Im more sure than ever.

He ended up staying home all weekend. Probably because I made a statement about my kids and he said they were his kids too. So, I asked him what he has done for them in the past year? BESIDES MONEY...remember she provides the drugs....He couldn't awnser. So, he took them (with me) to Chuck E Cheese and the movies. Wow now he's the MAN. But, I guess I'm glad the kids got a chance to enjoy him for a change instead of worrying.

NOw the back to the girl she has been sending e-mail's telling them they have no one but each other... Shes pregnant...Now understand that this girl has been suppositly pregnant 4 times in the last 9 months.. GO figure. Doesn't she know this is psychotic behavior. But, she told him she got married last month. She's a master manipulator. She has a daughter that a crack head gave her and DCS have been threatening to take her away. This info comes from her mother. They said if she doesn't get a job they were going to take her. But, she told my husband they were going to take her because of the restraining order that I put on her. Well believe me I know a lot of people with restaining orders have children but, as long as you abide by the rules of that order your kids have nothing to do with it. But, it could be a combination of the fact that she has been to jail before and she has a warrant out for her arrest. ....Enough about her because she is really irrelavant.

My husband actually did something on Saturday that amazed me. When I came down to cook breakfast I said oops I forgot to pray. He will usually listen to me pray but he asked if he could lead the prayer. I won't go into details but at the end he asked that God help him with his habits...... He said with all sincerity he needs help. I didn't comment because I didn't want him to say I was judging him. But, he has to realize that he has to go to the help it's not gonna come to him.

Then, last night I got confirmation of addiction. Our tax guy came over to do our taxes. He has been doing our taxes for years and knows us pretty well. He is 19 years sober and president of our county chapter of Cocaine Anon. When my husband walk out of the room he says you've been going through it this year haven't you. I just smiled. He said well I can tell something going on. He said but, walk by him as long as you can and it will be okay. But, if you feel you can't go on then get out. He told me to ask the right questions about abuse.... Help guys what is he talking about. He said I would figure it out but, I have no clue. My husband will go as long as he can then I think he give in. He ignored her calls she was basically begging him to call she even tried to bribe him with money. Now I know why it's so easy to for him not to get clean. He's killing himself with a female accessory to MURDER!!! I know my husband and if he has to spend his own money he would do without. My grandmother always told me that....EVERYTHING THAT IS FREE ISN'T ALWAYS A GIFT!!!!!!!!!

sorry soooo long

MyJoey

Wow, you really have your hands full. I don't think you should kid yourself about the money, sooner or later he is going to start spending it on drugs. I also think you need to wake up about this girl granted she maybe off the wall, but your husband keeps going to her I think there is more to it then he is telling you. I take it your children are young and that makes it so hard, but you really need to start planning for yourself and your children. I know you hope he will get better (we all do), but the chance is he may not, are you willing to put yourself and your kids through the hell of addiction? I am so sorry you have to go through all this and I hope things work out for the best, but from everything I have learned and I am still learning it just don't come easy. You should look for meetings around your area and get some support I think your going to need it. You sound like a very secure woman I would have thrown him out as soon as I found out about the other woman I don't think I would have believed a word he said.

outtolunch

This is the stuff we say when we make excuses for alcoholics, addicts, criminals and other undesirable behaviors.

winnie12

At what point will you stop blaming her? she didnt make a commitment to you - she never said she loves you - he made the commitment - he's the one at fault. in all honesty, i see absolutely no reason for him to change - the only thing he has to deal with is a little griping - besides that he can come and go, use, have affairs and do whatever he wants - all he has to do is say he's sorry now and then and come up with some excuses and blame. If you want to have an open marriage that involves drug use then just do it - that's your perogative. if you dont want that then at some point you're going to have to make some decisions and changes on your own.

BayAreaPhoenix

Unhappy - If your sister, friend, anyone came to you with this story asking for your opinion and advice. What would you say to that person? How would you counsel that person?

Being the codies that we are, I find that there are times when trying to hear what I'm saying as coming from someone else sometimes helps me "hear" what I need for myself.

(((hugs)))

UNHAPPY777

All of you are right. But, I guess I live in the past. I have to catch up with today. It's funny because as far as she goes she has manipulated the situation from the start. She was one of his employees and she called stating that they were friends and the other employees wanted to invite me out sometimes because they heard a lot of things about me. Me being the kind heart I am took it for face value thinking she was a nice girl. She started calling and we talked frequently. (DUMB I KNOW) But, I think everyone deserves the benefit honesty. Her mother actually warned my husband about her stay at a mental institution and she even talked to me and apologized but, I think it was already toooo late. I'm really not trying to make excuses but now I know that the heart that I was raised with is not the one that everyone else was given. The valuable lesson that I have learned is not to be an open book and everyone doesn't have your best interest at heart. I let the enemy in and now I feel guilty.

Guilty WHY... because in the begininning my husband said stop talking to her because shes using it against me. Boy if I only knew I guess in some type of weird way I feel responsible even though it's not my responsibility. How foolish of me to have been soo nieve.
All of you guys are right. But how do I release my guilty conscience.

Freedom1990

The sad fact was I was willing to settle for crumbs and sloppy seconds before I finally left my EXAH.

The horrifying part is had I caved in and gone back to him after I left rehab, I would have contracted AIDS from him (which he got from another female).

UNHAPPY777

Thanks Anvil I have done deep soul searching and it's not my fault. I did talk to her mother in the beginning because it was her cell phone that she was calling and texting from. So, I actually reached her mother in the begining.

I know I can't fix it and God knows I've tried but, those days are GONE. But, I have to be honest sometimes I still have thoughts of my knight in shinning armor returning.

laurie6781

NOPE. She is not the cause. She is and was HIS CHOICE. STOP. STOP right now in giving him excuses.

Take a sheet of paper, get a pen or pencil (DO NOT DO IT ON THE COMPUTER, writing it out long hand is important for this to work). Now start a timeline. When his disrespect and abuse (yes whether he is verbal, or physical it is abuse) started. When he started 'removing' himself emotionally and physically from the family. How it continued and escalated to where it is today.

When you are done you will then have something in BLACK AND WHITE (or blue and white, lol) that you can physically SEE, and hopefully put back into your brain. Then you can ask yourself ................................ IS THIS THE WAY I WANT TO CONTINUE TO LIVE and THE ACTIONS I WANT TO CONTINUE TO SUBJECT MY CHILDREN TO?

There are you questions. Now you can work on your answers. What he does or doesn't do is no longer the problem .................................. what you subject you and your children to is.

The nearest Domestic Violence Shelter to you will have 'services' that can help you. Counseling, legal help, etc BUT you have to decide when ENOUGH is ENOUGH.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

UNHAPPY777

Laurie his disrespect does lie deep and by no means am I covering for him. But, I just feel that if he was taking money he would be responsible for his actions. He has stated that he wouldnt take from me and my kids and he hasn't as far as money but what he fells to realize is that I would rather be broke and homeless with self respect. Thanwell off with no respect. I was just speaking about why and how she got into the situation. By no means is this her fault he is a grown man but, she is providing the means to an end and I mean a DEAD END.
Right now it feels like I am abandoning him but, I know that he abandoned me a year ago when this first started happening.

UNHAPPY777

Thanks!!!
I have to get back on track. Sometimes I feel like I am the addict.......

UNHAPPY777

Thanks Anvil I have read Co-Dependent No More but it looks like I have to revisit it because your post has me written on it...........

MyJoey

You will find that knight in shinning armor, but it most likely won't be your husband and the sooner you face that the sooner you can find the knight. I hope he quits his drugs and changes his life for you, but I don't think he will do it willingly or on his own.

Sunflowers

Ah the favorite knight in shining armor myth... I hate this one. Why do we feel compelled for someone to "save" us? I'm hearing quacking all over the place in this one. Girl, I think you need some plum sauce and a really nice new feather pillow! I would cook his goose (I know I'm mixing fowl metaphors here!), give him the rules, and if he can't follow em then you need to oust him from the nest!