Abundance

copy the link: for example the following... http : //i m g22.imageshack.us/img22/8034/tampadec08297ps8.jpg


Then... in the reply box... there is a selection of tools where you can change the font/color/size... etc. Well on the bottom row of the toolbar... you'll see a square box that is yellow... and if you mouse over it ... it will say "insert image". Click on that box... and paste the link in the new box that comes up... and hit okay.

It will then look like this:

Abundance

okay... well that turned out to be really big. sorry

But the link I pasted at first... has spaces so it didn't come up as a hyperlink.

Your dogs are sweet!

BayAreaPhoenix

Awwwwwww

Alaia

OMG..Cessy...I feel the same with my abf. It's like you took the words right out of my mouth. What if abf recovers and then goes off and lives happily ever after with girl? I don't like admitting it either, but maybe now that it's out there, it might make it easier to accept.

hello-kitty

Ladies. Please don't worry about this. This is NEVER going to happen. No one lives happily ever after. Especially addicts. If they choose recovery, they have YEARS and YEARS of hard work ahead of them, if they even make it that long. For the rest of their lives, they are going to have to focus on never using drugs again.

When I have the "happily ever after without me" thoughts I remind myself, that what's meant to be will be.I cannot force a relationship to work out. Things aren't going to get better until both people are willing to work on themselves and change. And even then, sometimes, things don't work out. So focus on you. Do the work you need to do. And let him work on himself. And then, if it's meant to be it will happen. But if it wasn't you are not waiting around for years for him to change. What's that old saying. If you love something set it free. If it's meant to be it will come back to you. If it doesn't it was never meant to be in the first place. (No don't hunt it down and kill it...) ;-)

There is another great saying about some people come into your life for a season. To teach you something. And then they go. Maybe there is a lesson in all this. And that is it. Be glad for the love you had and the lessons you learned.

Abundance

WoW... Hello Kitty...... that was marvelous!

There are so many reasons why I stay (ed) ......

At first it was - because the bad didn't outweigh the good.

I like feeling "in control". I like a challenge. It's a challenge to be "in control" in an "out of control" circumstance!

I tend to challenge things that just don't "seem right".

I'm extremely empathetic.

I don't want to deal with my own problems and issues- and it's so much easier to point out someone else's and tell them what they should be doing. Even if what that is .. is: "Be true to yourself and be kind to yourself and those around you." I have a history of being a therapist to those I am in a relationship with. To help fix their problems. It comes from what I know as a child. I was always helping everyone else fix their problems... and not taking care of mine! And when someone told me how to do something without me asking for help - I would get so offended... and put off!

Well... I can't believe I'm going to say this. But what I'm working on - is being a different kind of selfish! That sounds pretty horrible doesn't it? To be a selfish person.... to only think of myself ON PURPOSE?! WOAH. I mean ... naturally I can be selfish ... but in a manipulating fashion. I have been enabling and fixing other people - you'd think that is pretty selfless, right? Well... that is really not true. What I have been - is pretty selfish - because I am so busy helping others- I have to be getting something out of it! right? So - what am I getting out of it? I'm getting to not look at my own issues! I'm being selfish towards MYSELF! I'm not giving myself the attention that is needed to be healthy! So now it's time for me to be a different kind of selfish in a positive way. But Cessy - I think I finally came to it when I started suffering consequences of being that kind of "selfish". I was spending so much energy on HIM and our relationship... that I fell into this world of chaos. Pretty much a few times a week - if not every day - I have to remind myself that I am not in control of anything except for myself.

As soon as the consequences came - I pulled my socks up. I started thinking about what I enjoyed, what I want in life, what makes me happy, etc.... THEN I got sick and tired of just thinking about it - and I just DID IT~!
I'd wake up not wondering what he was going to be like or was he going to use or being w/drawals - but instead about what my day was going to be like because of ME.

I am with him still because I love him, and also because we are both in recovery. Going at our own levels... and there has been progress. Things today are better than they were a year ago or even 6 months ago.

Cessy - take some time for yourself - doing something that YOU enjoy. BE a different kind of selfish.... focus on you.

bognot1977

OMG. That's good. Very good. That's EXACTLY how I've felt.

"...I know it's not authentic happiness, and it makes me sad and empty."

AUTHENTIC HAPPINESS. That's perfect. It's frustrating isn't it? What's real and what isn't? I know the part about not wanting them to sleep next to you. Intimacy, etc. Half the time mine was sweating through the comforter. Then the inability to get it up or keep it up. The feeling of wanting to be wanted and held and to be "normal."

Thank you for this post. I'm going to read it several more times. It's very therapeutic for me. Although I have no advice, just understanding.

Well written.

Love,
Maelynn

bognot1977

Hello Kitty -

That's exactly what I needed to hear, here and now. My AH, soon to be ex, has cheated on me. I'm in a tug of war with the idea that my love, commitment and struggle wasn't good enough. t will all end. And he will be happy with the wh*re. She will be rewarded for all the cr@p I put into helping him.

BLAH!

THANK YOU FOR THE DOSE OF REALITY!!!!

bluebelle

Cessy,
Love the pics! Your doggies are very cute! We just have cats, but I hope to have a dog someday.

I don't have an answer to your question. I worry with myself that my need to rescue is somehow programmed into me. I was raised by my mom and her parents. My mom is a mess and has always been a mess. She has mental issues, plus she is addicted to drugs. She especially loves pills--all kinds of pills for all kinds of imaginary diseases. She used to tell me that I made her happy. She still tries to tell me that she would be happy if only I would move in with her. (I live across the country.) I spent a lifetime trying to cheer her up and make things better.

Fast forward to now. My boyfriend has been addicted to pills. He has trouble with depression. I'm afraid that I am running some kind of script that is telling me to keep on trying to fix them...that someday I'll "get it right." All of my boyfriends have been addicted to something or another. My last major boyfriend was addicted to sex--esp. phone sex.

I do really feel like I love my ABF. I think that we have wonderful times together. We seem to be a pair...a couple. I love my house, our pets, and the fun times that we have together. I guess I do keep hoping that this recovery will be it--he will get it right this time. I don't know if I am expecting too much. It's really hard to be in love with an addict. It is hard when there have been years (in my case 8) where he is not there for me emotionally. Like you said, when he is happy or loving, I think he is using. I hate that fake happiness. It all makes me very sad. I don't like this life, but I can't imagine any other. I just want things to get better with him.

sophia1980

Sometimes the last thread I hang onto, (that keeps me where I am) Is the thought that if I let go - maybe he will be sober and back to the 'ol guy I used to know - WITH SOMEONE ELSE..... and that WILL BE A REFLECTION THAT I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH......

does that make sense?

Hi cessy, as you can see, many of us felt like this. This is a reason why I did not want to 'give up' on my abf for soo long. I thought I would have failed if he changed for someone else-BUT ONLY HE can change himself!

.......but then I think you get past feeling like this...the exhaustion becomes too much. You will know when it is the time to leave/get him to leave.

One night after my abf disappeared (yet again!) I lay at the top of the stairs after breaking down, you could have mistaken me for a 'dying wailing animal' (!).
Why was he ruining US? Everything was totally totally out of control....I seriously considered throwing myself down the stairs...to end all the pain..
...Thats when I knew things were VERY WRONG. THIS HAD TO STOP, I HAD TO GET OUT...I GOT OUT.

I still find it upsetting thinking about that night.

I always tell myself 'Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have'
- i.e being clean. This quote makes it easier to deal with my abf

hope things are better today for you

p.s When I left he went downhill bigstyle and then about 5wks after i left, he completed a detox.....its still early days.
xx

caitstar

I know just what you're going through. After years of the lies and betrayals and my addicted husband using behind my back, he decided to join NA. he's been clean for 2 weeks....or so he says. I just dont feel anything anymore. I'm numb to him now. theres no intimacy, just distance. i had been lied to so many times and this last time when he took so many damn pills he didnt even know who i was....it was the straw that broke the camels back. i feel nothing for him and everytime he opens his mouth to speak, i feel disgust and i think in the back of my mind that everything he's saying is just to fool me. in the back of my mind...i know he must still be doing something. i'm 3 weeks away from having our second child and the only emotion i feel is sadness....that his addiction has destroyed us...destroyed our family.

Callie

Sometimes the last thread I hang onto, (that keeps me where I am) Is the thought that if I let go - maybe he will be sober and back to the 'ol guy I used to know - WITH SOMEONE ELSE..... and that WILL BE A REFLECTION THAT I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH......

Thats exactly what kept me hanging on for YEARS. It still tries to reel me back in even now.

Please don't worry about this. This is NEVER going to happen. No one lives happily ever after. Especially addicts. If they choose recovery, they have YEARS and YEARS of hard work ahead of them, if they even make it that long. For the rest of their lives, they are going to have to focus on never using drugs again.

Thanks for this HK - I know that my AH has a very long road ahead of him. It will take him YEARS to recover what he's lost/thrown away financially in the last 10 months. He will forever regret losing his family. Addiction stole EVERYTHING from him.

Callie

Not sure what you mean here? Can you elaborate AH? Maybe I'll post an update in a seperate thread so I'm not hijacking Cessy's

Chino

The things and people we lose/abuse in addiction (either side) become a part of our recoveries. I used to have regrets over the things I did but I had to forgive myself, incorporate it into my recovery. All the mistakes I made lead me to where I am today and it's the best place I've ever been in. I made amends and no longer regret them, I value them and the things they taught me.

Callie, should your husband come out the other side a better man, he may very well see it that way too. He might end up appreciating and cherishing you all more because of the damage and physical separation. In the end, that is a good thing.

cessy68

Hi guys, thanks for the responses.

I think that it is a valid fear - that you are afraid that once you leave they will 'get it together, turn into the person you used to know (that you are trying to hang on for) and will be oh so wonderful with someone else.'

I have a friend who wanted a divorce, got one. Last year. Just 'wasn't in love' anymore. Now her ex has moved on- he is doing thing with his new girlfriend- that he NEVER did with her- she is jealous, sad, angry, lonley, and she is the one WHO WANTED THIS!!!!

Looseing at love is hard- regardless of how the chips fall- it sucks and there is no way around the pain. With or without addiciton issues.

I think that for us -when the pain of staying gets to the point, that we would rather imagine them happy with someone else.... that's when you are ready to leave.

Guess you are helping me answer my own questions...................

Love,
Cessy

ps... i do think it is a normal process to want to think they will regret not being with you- it's kinda crappy to say- "hey maybe they won't miss you..." you know what I mean? Not everything is text book - not everything is black and white. The SHOULDS and SHOULDN'Ts of feelings is unique to each individual. If it helps you to say- "hey look at what he lost- he will regret it... well then say it."

hello-kitty

No. He GAVE up everything to feed his addiction. He has had so many opportunities and chances handed to him on a silver platter and he refuses. He'd rather stay addicted then do the work it takes to get better. Callie, he is not a victim. The only victims are the children. Everyone else is making choices knowing that those choices have consequences - but refusing to take responsibility for their actions.

hello-kitty

I think people do fear this but I don't think it's valid. It's a big WHAT IF. What if's are not to be feared. They are out of your realm of control.

What if I wait around forever, and he never decides to quit using drugs and he never is wonderful with anyone and I live this in this disatisfying relationship for the rest of my life. And die alone.

That's a more valid fear in my book. That's something I can do something about.

cessy68

the pain of staying becomes more worrysome than the pain of leaving......

hello kitty isn't that the same thing as what you just said?

It's hard, no matter how you slice the cake. I don't want to leave, I don't want to stay, the push / pull of this insideous disease, and how it can slowly but surely naw away of what 'used to be me!!'

I talk all the time about 'what he used to be'

Well- 'i used to be' something different before his addiction as well.
I am re-claiming the ol' girl I used to be...

It's just work. I didn't get here with him overnight- I won't be able to get out of it overnight either -

I'm sick of beating myself up about it......

When the pain of staying........................................... ...
Love,
Cess

wuzzled

Hi, I new here. I tried to post a reply twice and it didn't work. I am trying again. Testing, Testing 123!

wuzzled

Wow! it worked that time. Out of time now, I'll have to come back later and retype my original reply.