Callie

I 100% agree with this HK - I worded that badly. He chose drugs over everything over and over again for years.

cassandra2

I would like to chime in on this post....

Cess to answer your original question of why we stay, I would like to say that we stay (ed) for many different reasons that were or are our OWN reasons. It doesnt make it right or wrong. Its OUR OWN decisions. Only we can answer that for ourselves.

Some may say that we stay out of fear and I believe that IS totally VALID. Why? Because it is OUR OWN reason. No one has the right to say that your fear is not valid because it is YOUR fear. This is your emotion and how you feel about something is your business. This doesnt make it right or wrong. And because so many of us are at different points in the addiction/recovery cycle some may say "oh ya I remember feeling that he would find someone else who would love him better but TODAY I can see that that fear was INVALID". Only when you reach a certain point can YOU decide whether or not your fears were valid or invalid.

I also would like to comment on something that was said in an earlier post.

If someone who has been affected by addiction can tell themselves that their addict will regret what they did one day and it helps that person get through today then by all means think that.

Whatever thoughts or feelings you have is your business. Doesnt make it right or wrong.

I remember reading the "Getting them Sober" series and the woman who wrote the book strongly advocated that the (usually women) person who was not addicted SHOULD hold onto the fact that he WOULD come back at some point. When the woman could NOT focus so much on whether their spouse would come back or wouldnt leave them it was ONLY then that they could focus on THEIR OWN RECOVERY.

So if telling yourself that your addict will regret their decisions made while using, or that they will regret losing their family, or that they will regret the damage done by addiction THEN BY ALL MEANS TELL YOURSELF THAT. Whatever you can do to take the focus off the addict and put it on yourself then do it.

Telling someone that they are wrong for feeling that way or that "maybe" the addict wont feel regret is hurtful. We are all here seeking support and acceptance. That is exactly what we should be doing. Not pointing out what thoughts or feelings are wrong. While they may not be your thoughts or feelings or you may not agree with them SOMEONE feels that way and they have every right to.

Just my two cents.......

outtolunch

Back when, my sister and I visited many nursing homes looking for the "perfect" one for our Grandmother who had Alzheimers. It was our first exposure to late stages of the disease and Grandma was nowhere near this bad, would never get this bad and certainly did not belong in any of these places. Our Grandma was different. She was never going to deteriorate to the the extent that we had seen, first hand. The havoc she was causing in our lives was not really so bad. We would not allow that to happen!

A wise counselor, seeing our reaction, took us aside and told us we were not ready to let go, yet. That down the road, there will be an event that will enable us to let go and do so without regret / remorse.

And she was right. It took about a year. Up until that moment in time, we were content with the fantasy that her disease would not progress to the extent we saw in those nursing homes. We were content hanging onto the threads of the woman that used to be and maybe could be again, one day, if only they found the magic cure or maybe she would just snap out of it.

The trigger event compelled us to action and we did so without regret or remorse. We found peace and came to terms with the reality and the 3 C's.

cessy68

I think the reason the angst has been raised regarding that--- is because it is a HUGE factor for us.... all of us.

Either we were there - are there- or we are somewhere in between.

I think that with any relationship that you are in for a long time- and have your heart invested it,,,, it's difficult to say goodbye. It's almost easier to deal with a death, becuase death is final. You HAVE to say goodbye.

In relationships- there is death like grief- and with addiction it becomes alot more complicated.

People loose their relationships for a variety of reasons, with addiction, it's slow... it's a little bad, than it gets worse.... everynow and then you see the old relationship back, then you question yourself and think... 'oh i was wrong. It's going to be ok."
Then it happens again....

and again....

Sooner or later, you realize your caught up in something- and you feel that if only those damn drugs wern't there.... your loved one would be.....

It's hard to let go with that....
It's hard to accept that they are there... but they aren't .

It makes you question yourself, and it is confusing.

Then the stages change, and you may realize that you HAVE to let go....

and you feel robbed (as many have stated)- the same way somone who has been cheated on feels like the other woman (robbed her of her man, and her family)- really the woman didn't do anything- the one who cheated made his choice.... we all know that.

BUT within that inital pain----- it's just a typical thing to 'feel'....

I think its just a stage - and it's a damn hard one to 'get' or 'accept'.