cessy68

HI there, my name is Cessy, I've been off SR for a while, because of computer issues.....

I do not think cheating and addiction go hand and hand, what I think goes hand in hand, is a person turning to another, when their signifigant other dosen't bond with them....

Ie; if your guy is useing and you are badgering him about it, perhaps he found himself sucked into a comfort/attraction with another that understands and accepts his behaviour.

Just as a couple without addiction in their relationship- if a guy/girl cheats, they found some kind of comfort with someone outside of their relationship- perhaps lack of intamcy, friendship, the list goes on and on.

I AM NOT CONDONEING his choices, those choices leave life long scars. If he indeed chose to cheat, he did it for perhaps a variety of reasons...... maybe she did the drugs with him, or maybe she didn't know about the drugs, so he could remain in denial around her and feel good about himself.

I do not know how you can get past it. I myself, would find that to be the last straw. I have come to the end of my rope with my abf drug addiciton- if he faild me in that manner AS WELL, then I would use it as the catalyst to say good ridence.

God bless you, I hope you find some peace, and self worth- don't settle for someone who dosen't love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Love,
Cessy

August011982

"Ie; if your guy is useing and you are badgering him about it, perhaps he found himself sucked into a comfort/attraction with another that understands and accepts his behaviour."

Hi Cessy, Pretty ironic that you say this because one of the reasons he came up with on why it happened is because he new he could not use/drink around me or even make me aware of it and he could with the person he cheated with...I also take the blame for being a crappy wife at times not understanding that he hates his job and treating him like a parent by always making him go into work sick or not I obviously had control issues. I also always said that cheating is the absolute LAST straw until he came to me and confessed of his wrong doing and I was faced with that decision and decided to stay because I felt he was sorry and it would never happen again....

I try to reverse the situation and think of me with the drug addiction with the cotroling / NON understanding husband and really cannot say that if a situation were to come up that gave me comfort / where I had someone to talk to would I have cheated? I may have ....

autumno

a cheater will cheat with or without alcohol or drugs/while on alcohol or drugs or not. i feel this has very little to do with it. i believe if a person has it in them to cheat on their mate then they will do it regardless of the circumstances, it is their weakness and once they do it to you and you accept it little will stop them from doing it again.

jerect

The Three C's apply to this situation

You did not cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Sweetie, You take the blame for being a crappy wife... It does not matter how "crappy" you think you were to him, you still did not deserve to be cheated on.. he broke his marriage vows.. Period.. Drugs or no drugs, your husband made the choice to cheat on you... he MADE that choice.. You did not help him make it.. You are making it easy on your AH by taking part of the blame.. that way he doesn't have to take full responsiblity for what he did..

I look at it like this.. My AH cheated on me.. was I a control freak.. Oh yeah, his addiction turned me into this raving codependent lunatic. Was I a crappy Wife? At times probably so... but did I deserve to be cheated on. No WAY! Now lets turn the tables here.. My AH lied to me, stole from me, used drugs, called me horrible names when I was doing my codie things and other awful things.. but did I cheat on him? NO!!! Because I had more respect for myself then that and even though my marriage was going down the toliet because of the drugs I had more respect for my marriage then that..

cessy68

Hey august, I agree with jerect- in NO way was I suggesting YOU did something wrong- I'm saying - when people don't get what they want from their signifigant others- sometime they go outside their relationship- THAT IS WRONG!!!!!!! period!!!!!

Usually there is a reason the partner isn't giving them what they need as well- like I WILL NOT CONDONE MY ABS DRUG ABUSE-AND AT TIMES BADDGER HIM ABOUT IT. Lets say he meets someone who does drugs- she them would seem attractive to him - because it ALLOWS HIM TO JUSTIFY HIS DRUG USE. OR perhaps he meets someone who he is able TO HIDE HIS ABUSE from- then he wouldn't feel the pressure or shame that he does in front of this person.....

YOU didn't do anything-

I was just saying- that perhaps this is why he did what he did- (meaning i was answering your question about if you think drugs motivate someone to cheat) and in an indirect way- that is why it may have happend.

Love,
Cessy

rahsue

IMHO....... drugs will make the best of us do the worst things. I do think if he was cheating while using there is a chance, and a good one, that he won't cheat while sober.
And I think talking to him while in rehab is the best time to talk to him about it.

good luck

Seren

Well, I hope so for the sake of my ex-h's new wife!

jan123

Jerect. So True.

andesh

I so feel you! I was the 1 saying "if he ever cheat on me I would leave in a heartbeat!" Atleast your husband has admitted to his affair. To the date my husband would tell me that she was just "a user friend" but the woman intuition God has blessed us with tells me otherwise. It's funny how addicts work! B4 I go here(I by no means am trying to brag and/or boast about myself or to downgrade anyone). I've never used any drug nor have I ever smoked a cigarette and that would be his reason to give me when I would say "call it tit for tat if you like but if you can do it so can I!" He would tell me I have no reason to do what he do because I'm not a user like him. What type of s_ _ _ is that? This lady was running around with him day and night, he was canceling engagements with me because "she needed him." Now, I will admit, if it wasnt for her I know for a fact I would have stayed in it longer than I did but the continuous disrespect was where I drew the line. The Gull of him. I had previously battled crack addiction now an oxycontin addiction and you gonna add a women to the flames of hell. No thanks!! I must say, HIS admitting to the affair is the 1st step to YOUR recovery. They are right, now is the time to find out everything you want to know! Dont hold back because I believe it will provide you with answers you are looking for. Good Grace and God bless!!!

teke

hi, i'm a ra, seperated but married for 23yrs to a ra an i agree with jerect. none of this is your fault. i can relate to your situation plus some and i can tell you from experience that i think you deserve more,

for me, my addiction to crack was bad enough and at times, i lost most all i had, but my body and my marriage vows was not something i wanted to bargan with, even though my ah did not feel the same. it is said that infidelity goes along with addiction but i believe it depends on the addict even though i also think it is hard for an addict to sware to what he or she wont do in the event of relapse. recovery is very hard work and relapse sometimes is a part of recovery. not to disencourage you but just to raise awareness. sorry but rehab is not a cure all and i pray that he continues in his recovery. there is always hope and all things are possible

i'm learning to focus more on me and what i'm to do than my ah and what he does. i'll keep the both of you in my prayers





i feel