August011982

You ever here that saying "once a cheater always a cheater" ? Well, DH who is currently in rehab for being a binge drinker and vicodin abuse he came to me about a year ago while he was clean and told me he HAD To tell me something, he has a CONFESSION so... with sorrow in his eyes he told me that in the midst of his addiction to vicodin and alcohol he cheated on me on 3 separate occasions 2 years prior all of it took place in the period of 3 weeks before he ended it all . I guess this is kind of off topic but is it ? I mean for those recovering addicts out there is it possible for him to have done this becuase it just came with his addiction and to now be reformed? The reason I'm posting here regarding this issue is because I do not feel it is something I can talk with him about because he is currently working on "himself" in rehab and this will just be added stress.... I have always been the gal to say " I can handle the ups/downs of his disease but if he ever cheats i'm gone" Well I'm eating my own words you have no idea what you would do until your in the situation ...Keep in mind our marriage was on the rocks during this time we had some what of a fake relationship he felt as though he could not come to me and talk to me about his problems and I had some control issues I was in lala land thinking our marriage was"ok" As you can tell even though I'm trying to be here and I am there for dh I struggle with this every day .Am I naive to think he will for now on be forever faithful to me?

winnie12

Whether or not he'll cheat again - only time will tell. I dont know that anyone can really answer that question for you.

I disagree with some on this - I think while they are in rehab is the Perfect time to address tough issues. He'll have lots of support and counselors to talk the problem through. When he's out then it will be more stressful for him.

I wish when i had stressful things happen i had a therapist and a group of people in my living room that i could hash it out with.

Freedom1990

My EXAH was a cheater on and off of the drugs.

Seriously, sometimes the drugs get too much credit.

laurie6781

I don't know whether he will cheat again or not.

I can tell you that the 24 years I practiced my disease of alcohol and drugs I had the morals of an Alley Cat. yep true story.

After finding recovery and working on me and actually finding a 'moral code' that I could, would, did and do believe in, my promiscuity has not been a problem.

So, that being said, will some continue to 'cheat' in sobriety? Yep I have seen it. Will some find a new path? Yep I have seen that also.

Only time will tell. If in fact his 'cheating' was behind drugs and alcohol, which really do lower 'inhibitions' to 'non existence' then, if he finds recovery, works on himself, I would say no he won't.

There is no set answer. Sorry.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Serenity Bound

Whether or not he'll cheat again, sorry, only time will tell. I do agree with Winnie, if this is something that you need to bring up to him, then I feel it is a good time, when he's in rehab he has support, counselors, etc.

Hugs,
Chris

MyJoey

My question would be, could you ever trust a cheater? Drugs or not could you forgive and forget?

August011982

Joey- Yes, I can forgive him "if" he continues to stay clean because I can not trust the addict in him however I can trust the sober him . During this period he was addicted to kolonopin,vicodin and alcohol so I know I sound naive but please keep in mind these things are mind changing substances. I actually did some searches on this board and found a couple threads regarding kolonopin/zanax and how it can effect your memory make you almost black out ect. I mean Look at what Laurie had to say during her using times she had the morals of an alley cat and since being clean she is a different story so am I that naive to forgive him and to think it was the addict in him that caused this?

steve137

I think people are different and cheat for various reasons. For some it is that spur of the moment thing that they do not stop from happening. For others I think the problem lay deeper. Some people make mistakes, while others are damaged. It is one thing to be an addict. It is another thing to be a cheater. Put the two together and it isa bad combination. The only answer is found within the individual. It is a matter of the person recognizing the behavior and wanting to change. I am/was with this girl on and off over the past two years. When we were together last year she was using, not yet fully abusing some drugs. She began a reationship with someone else. It did not get physical (trust me i know this for sure) and lasted only a couple of weeks. To me that was cheating. We were apart for many months and then reconcilied. within days I discovered she was using. Why I stayed, I do not know. The whole time since I have not been able to fully trust her, but began to. After four months I found that she aksed out one of her brothers' friends and was on a dating site. She denies it being anything, that it was harmless flirting to garnish attention due to her low self esteem. Is that possible? Maybe. Do I fully believe it, no way. Will I ever trust her? No. Without trust, there is no point in staying. Sometimes second chances are worth giving when they are given for the right reasons. I agree with others, that this is actually a good time to confront it. If it was due to the drugs as he says then it is relevant to his rehab. Rehab is not just bout the drugs and addiction, it is about a deep change from within. Fidelity has to be part of the change.

jerect

My AH cheated on me last June..... Even though I have forgiven him, I'm still having a very hard time coping with it..

When he cheated, he too was very deep in his addiction...however that is no excuse for infidelity. From what I have read, addiction and cheating often times go hand and hand.. They cheat because they are full of self hatred and disrespect for themselves.

Will my AH ever cheat again? I don't know, the only person that can make that choice is him.. I know that like with the drugs, there is nothing that I can do to make that choice for him..

Will I ever trust him again? I will probably never trust him 100% again and I certainly do not trust him now but through all of this I have learned to trust my myself.

When I first discovered my AH's affair and was dealing with the aftermath, I was recomended a book that was very helpful in dealing with a lot of the emotions.. It's called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It really helped me a lot. In fact I'm rereading it now that my head has stopped spinning.

And for the record, I agree with Winnie.. I think now is the perfect time to bring this up to your DH.. Rehab is for dealing with stressful situations.. stress and reality are just part of life and when he gets out into the real world again, he is going to have life staring right back at him without the comforts of a therapist and group settings every day.

Most importantly, do something to nurture and heal you. You need to work through your pain as well..

August011982

Thank you everyone for you replies it means so much, it feels so good to be able to talk about your feelings. I do believe and have to believe that dh's cheating stemmed from his addiction . He is very unloving to himself as well as self destructive so I have great reason to believe that his cheating and his addiction go hand in hand . The unfortunate thing is that if he relapses again I will leave not because I do not love him or I do not understand his disease but because I can no longer trust the selfish,drug addicted person in him . I now know the extent to what he is capable of while using and I'm not able to deal with that . This has only made me stronger ....

outtolunch

With or without drugs there is no way to know, with certainty, if someone will cheat on you, going forward, or not.

Is cheating any different than lying, stealing or not taking care of your children from an emotional and financial support standpoint? Sober people do these things all the time.

Husband is in rehab where he has an opportunity to work on himself.
Does it make sense, at this point, to seek some counseling of your own to help determine where you go from here? Does this rehab offer relationship counseling?

August011982

I have not asked if his rehab offers relationship counseling but because he is doing so much already to work on getting himself healthy I feel now is not the time to seek marriage counseling? I mean without him being healthy and clean there is no point in marriage therapy because there is no "him" to work with

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

In my Opinion: I think you are naiive.
Its not even remotely unbelievable to think that he would not cheat on you when he was clean, or that he would only cheat on you when he was using.
I think the fact that he came to you about it and told you, in the midst of his recovery, is a very good sign.
Perhaps he is making an attempt to be honest with you and come clean about all he's done, maybe because he feels guilty.

But, I said you were naiive because I don't think that this gives you the opportunity to "write-off" his deeds just because you think that he only did it because he was high. If he had broken your arm because he was high, and then apologized for it later, you might feel a little better but your arm would still be broken.

In my relationship, he didn't cheat on me with another woman, but I felt like he cheated on me countless times with his DOC(s).
Just because he came clean and told me about it (rather than getting caught), doesn't make it hurt any less. It is going to take a looooonnnngg time before I feel like a can trust him again, and I'm still not completely sure that I forgive him sometimes.

And I agree with winnie, in that this is a perfect time for you to address these issues with him. If he has a family therapy program at his treatment center, and you plan on being involved with it, then you need to bring up every issue that you have with him during that time. And don't drop it until you feel like you're over it for the most part. Don't leave unresolved issues between you, because it's going to be impossible for you to try to rebuild your relationship together if, every night, you're thinking "maybe this is a good time to bring it up, well, maybe not, maybe tomorrow..."

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

Sorry, I just noticed this...
In my SO's treatment center, family therapy was offered the last or second to last week of treatment, after he had some time to himself. It's probably different in every treatment center, though.

Also, it's not really "marriage counseling," but since you have all ideas that his cheating may have been directly related to his using, then I think it's probably perfectly fine if that is one of the key points that you bring up in those sessions.

UNHAPPY777

Well my AH has been cheating on me while he has been in his addiction. The sad part is if he wasn't in addiction I know he wouldn't cheat with this escort wh***. But, she pays for their DOC and gives him pocket money. This man makes over 80K a year and so do I. But, he refuses to change the life style that me and my kids are living. But, the funny thing is he has never admitted to drug use. BUt, oddly enough I know that he wouldn't allow this woman to do and say the things she has to me if he wasn't in addiction. I know that most will say WHAT!!!! But, let me sit the record straight I have been granted a restraining order against the woman and have filed for legal seperation from him

But still it's very weird because he still doesn't take any money from our bank account except ocassionally his allowance or gas money. That's very rare though. I thought to myself well maybe he was just having an affair. But, I talked to many drug counselors and they said that many times there are girls out there who will pay for a mans habit and they said that they form communities that do whatever it takes to get their drugs without taking from their homes. WEIRD..... HUH

But, I have seen my husband in rare form where I know he has to be on something besides alcohol. I hope I didn't ramble tooooo much because this is ultra confusing to me..I don't even DRINK.

sknyfats

While drugs affect people's decisions & how they think - I don't believe in giving them "full blame" for anything. Drug use are but a piece of the pie as to why someone cheated. People without drug addiction cheat all the time too, right?

As for whether or not a cheater can ever be trusted - I say yes - but not easily. When I was younger, I was a habitual liar. Lied through my teeth, constantly. As I got older - I understand why I was lying, and how it affected not only me - but those I was lying to. And I stopped. Some would say I simply "grew up" - but I believe it was more than that. I hate lying with a passion. So - if a cheater isn't going to cheat again - the question is - why? What is stopping them? Did they have a moment of clarity as to why it happened before? Are they aware of the reasons behind it & committed to not cheating again? Do they understand that lying & cheating crushes trust - "just like that". Are they willing to WORK on rebuilding that trust (and not just saying "ok, I trust you now & you trust me" - that is NOT working on rebuilding broken trust).

Cheating rarely is a simple "ooops" moment; an accident or a small mistake. Cheating, to me, is something very serious and is a betrayal of another person. Even if no actual "sex" is involved; cheating takes on many forms...and is so so so so damaging. I'd have (and have had) a hard time forgiving or believing in a cheater ever again...

August011982

I think I should clarify a little bit . I think the drugs played a part in him cheating however I also think he played a part in it as well .I Also I believe our marriage at the time played a part in it, I was a pretty controling wife and was in denial about a lot of things .He was at a job he hates and I treated him like a parent by telling him to never miss work and if he was sick and wanted to stay home I would talk him into going in I was a stay at home mom. Call me crazy but I also believe cheating can run in the family his father cheated on his mother after 25 years of marriage (that I could NOT forgive- we were newly weds and in our very early twenties I also ended up pregnant 8 months after dating so we were rushed to grow up) I think his maturity level had a role in him cheating also he was 26 years old . Call me naive I guess I am a little but don't you all think these things could of played a role in him cheating? I mean its not like it went on for a long period the entire thing lasted 3 weeks before HE ended it ( I know this for a fact) If he was not sorry and wanted to cheat again why come and tell me? Why end it so soon? By the way I'm talking to you all with this post just like I will be talking to my therapist next week

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

I've heard that an addict's maturity level often stops at the point which they started using, (I'm sure we've all heard that the brain isn't fully developed until around age 25, so using drugs or drinking before then conditions your brain to grow to expect that...) then, after they get clean, I guess it leaves the door open for maturity growth.
But, if that's true, then I have to consider that, if an addict started using around 15 years old, that he more or less has the maturity level of a 15 year old. Does anyone else have any opinions on this?

jerect

I have also read this in several places and I find it to be very true..

More often then not, I feel like I'm living with a 19 year old instead of a 34 year old man...

winnie12

i agree strongly with this - in fact sometimes i've seen my AS's maturity level decreasing. Even saw his basic skills fall. One of his counslors in YDC told me that if she tested him when he first came in he would probably have the IQ of about a 12 year old but after he's clean for a while he starts catching back up.

Someone in group last week, who was a recovering crack addict, said that her doc told her that it takes 12 years to repair the damage that happens each time you use.