cessy68

Good morning everyone,

Hope all is well with my friends here-

I've taken some time this week to muddle through the tears and pain of breaking off with my abf.

He is still out of the house, and you all know the horrible pain I was/am in.

My question is as follows, (through on and off drama with him this week) he finally asked me on Tue. night, if I'd go to a meeting with him.

I went online and found a NA meeting and took him last night. I was shocked that he actually followed through and called to ask what time I'd pick him up.

We went and got coffee, and attended the meeting.

I had never been to a NA meeting before, everyone there was welcomming to me and I felt peaceful (outside of the fact that it was an all mens meeting.... I didn't see that in the description!! ) Lol... but they still welcomed me and I was fine.

My abf was less than comfortable - at the break we went outside to smoke, and he said, "urgh, we should just leave."

By the end of the meeting, he was more comfotable, and we talked about the experience for him. He did not indicate if he was going back, or going to continue with other meetings, and I did not ask. I figured that they gave him the lititerature (of when/where) the meeting are, and it was now at HIS fingertips to use or not use.

HOWEVER, during the meeting, as an outsider looking in- I felt selfish. I realized that these individuals still struggle EVERYDAY with addiction. Some seven plus years, still have yearnings and desires to go back. I heard of stories of how they hit rock bottom.

I don't believe that my abf hit rock bottom. He has a ton of access to $$. So he isn't going to go 'broke' or 'loose his home' - he has lost me, but I don't believe that is 'enough' to shake him up. The question I'm still attempting to get to is as follows,

I don't know if I want to attempt to walk down this road with him. YES I love him, YES, I want to be supportive. YES I want a peaceful sober life with him, BUT i'm not an addict.

I walked away with a bit of clarity last night and said to myself, "cessy- this process could take FOREVER with him. Do you want to go through years and years of him 'falling' and going back to his addiciton? Do you want to go through his denial, that he isn't 'bad' like the guys in that room? Do you want to go to dinner, and NOT be able to have a glass of wine? As much as I'm in pain with him gone- do I want the drama anymore of worrying, wondering, praying, hopeing, that things turn around for him? Do I want to sit through his revelations about how much he has hurt his exwife and kids over the years??"

I don't know guys- I don't know if I want it. I'm truely sorry if I sound selfish. I know that I should be 'hopeful and happy' that he asked me to help him seek help.

I know that all I wanted was for him to 'get sober' and have our life back.

But I know now, that the dynamics would greatly change if he got sober, and I don't think he is at a 'rock bottom' point right now to really make the changes. I know he is aware he has a problem - and is 'wanting' to change it- but I feel he thinks he's 'different' and can get a handle on it. (I know classic denial)- I see this and think- I just don't know if I want to put the time and energy into him anymore.

I do love him. However, sometimes love just isn't enough.

How come it took me sitting in HIS meeting to see this?? My own work always left me 'hopeful'- I realize now that my peace/happiness/ etc. will probably never happen with him

I'm sad, but at peace with letting him go- because I'm just not willing to go round and round with this horrible disease for very much longer.

Does these thoughts make me selfish? How do I attempt to be supportive, and yet honor my own sanity and peace of mind/and soul?

Thanks and hugs,
cessy

winnie12

You were given a great gift being allowed to see the other side of this. I dont think that you're being selfish at all and even if you are why do you feel like you're not allowed to be selfish about your own life? Its you that has to live it and choices we make in how we want to live our own life are based on self. Only you know what your limits are and what you want out of life. If this battle isnt something that you want to live then its your right to not live it. That's not being selfish that's living for yourself.

Some burdens in life are forced upon us and we have no choice in the matter but you do have a choice in this matter. Take some time and let what you have learned sink in and you will know what to do when the time comes to make that decision.

Callie

Cessy, do you think he invited you to a meeting to draw you back in again? As if, trying to keep ties with you by showing he's trying even though he may not be? That would be my AH - actually he's done that to me many times. When he feels as if he's backed against a wall instead of turning away from me he turns too me. Being more honest, saying he wants to walk the walk etc. Just something to think about. I don't think anyone can say you're selfish. You've been through alot already girl.

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

I agree, you're definately not selfish. You have the right to end your relationship with him whenever you want for whatever reason you want. Going through addiction with someone is tough. Going through recovery with someone is just as tough.

Plus- and this is important- your presence or absence is not going to affect his recovery either way. He's going to hit his rock bottom with or without you and he's going to make the choice to recovery with or without you. He has to. If he makes the decision to stay clean because he knows that it's what it takes to keep you or whatever, then he's not really making the decision for himself and it's probably not going to stick. And I think it's perfectly normal for you to not want to live with him, even in recovery. There's a lot of heartache there too and a lot of working towards recovery on your part.
Well, that's my opinion anyway.

justtired

I'm glad you asked this question, because I've been thinking the same thing. My bf has alcohol and prescription med addictions. We've been together for 9 years and it took me this long to REALLY see how big of a problem it is. Now, I am like you. I hope that he will realize his problem and get help. But part of me, also like you, has had enough. I don't want to spend a lifetime dealing with these issues either. Good for you for moving out and on with your life. I'm still trying to decide what to do, and it is certainly not an easy decision.

laurie6781

Actually I do not believe what you are experiences and feeling right now is 'selfish.'

What I see is, your ABF tried a bit of manipulation, ie "oh will you go with me to a meeting?" in the hopes of you leeting him back in.

Instead, your SURVIVAL MODE (all humans have it) kicked in and you contemplating if living with/married to/having children with an addict is really for you. It is a HARD road, even when we have long term continuous clean and sober time, that inner addict can rear it's ugly head over something really trivial, if we are not vigilant. So, in your heart and mind you are wondering......................................... .......just what kind of stress would I be under. Would I ever trust? Would I ever stop wondering, even if he was only late 5 minutes? How will I handle something like this the rest of my life?

Selfish? I don't think so. Wanting to survive and live with some peace and serenity in your life? FOR SURE

J M H O

Love and hugs,

P.S. Based on how you have described you ABF, J M H O but I don't believe he has come near 'his bottom' yet. The 'bottom' that will motivate HIM for HIM to get and stay clean and sober.

jan123

Cessy, I think you should give yourself a huge pat on the back.
What you are thinking and feeling about his situation is how a grown up thinks and feels. There comes a time when we have to put their suitcases down and tell them to carry their own baggage.
I loved mine too, sorry he is missing out on that, not my problem.

timetogo

I have always preferred the term "self full" to "selfish". You have a right to be self full in your own life.


"I walked away with a bit of clarity last night and said to myself, "cessy- this process could take FOREVER with him. Do you want to go through years and years of him 'falling' and going back to his addiciton? Do you want to go through his denial, that he isn't 'bad' like the guys in that room? Do you want to go to dinner, and NOT be able to have a glass of wine? As much as I'm in pain with him gone- do I want the drama anymore of worrying, wondering, praying, hopeing, that things turn around for him? Do I want to sit through his revelations about how much he has hurt his exwife and kids over the years??"

Your story sounds familiar to me, only I am your potential future. I did believe every time he said he would stop or get help. He said all the things you said in the above quote, he went to rehab, got 4 duis, spent THOUSANDS of dollars on cocaine -- and was sorry every time. This STILL wasn't rock bottom for him. Now, 6 mos before our 20th wedding anniversary (we have been with each other since 16), he is still continuing with his addictive/alcoholic behaviour with no end in site -- in fact, as research shows, the disease has gotten progressively worse over the last 10 years. I have two beautiful daughters who are showing the signs of what I have taught them so well, codependency. I am working, albeit slowly, towards separating. It will be slow because I have to work on myself to be strong enough to take the challenge.

I know it is hard and from experience, it gets harder. From all the posts I have read here, the hope is in him finding recovery. But the real hope is in you concentrating on yours. Listen to your self and always, always be self full.

TTG

frstnm

Narcotics Anonymous ?

howareyounow

So what does it all mean?....

From both sides of the fence....

Are we saying the addicts problems are just TOO BIG in the long run?
Then what about the addict?...Will they not get the full 'amount' of Love in life because they are just too damaged/risky?

No one wins, everyone looses.

I'm finding peace on my own....my son even said "It's nice now without 'cranky dad' here"

So my husband is just a lost cause forever (even if he's clean)....? Kinda sad

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

That's not what I meant. Some people feel like they want to continue the relationship with an active or recovering addict, and some don't.
But if you're one of the "don'ts" that doesn't necessarily mean that you're selfish.
Putting yourself and your own needs first is not always a bad thing.

laurie6781

Not at all. I have been sober and clean for over 27 1/2 continuous years. Was it easy? H*ll no. Is it easier today? YES

Everybody is different. Some addicts never get comfortable in their own skin and fight their addiction or go back to it somewhere down the lines. Others find some sort of peace after lots and lots of 'self searching' 'changing' and just plain 'hard work.'

Everybody is different when it comes to a loved one of an addict. Everyone has a diffent level of when they say 'no more' 'I just can't live this way anymore' etc

It is still an individual choice for each of us, the addict and the loved one. Just because one's choice does not match someone else's 'choice' does not make us selfish, or weak, or anything else.

We all do the best we can with what we have. Some may have health issues and more stress is just not conducive to them even staying alive. Y'all know what I mean.

No matter what your decision, any and all of you, knowing this will be one of the hardest decision's you ever make, PLEASE do not chastise yourself.

Remember some folks stay, doesn't make them right or wrong. Some folks leave, doesn't make them right or wrong either.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

P.S. Just like children do not come with an instruction manual, neither does LIFE. We are all "winging it" here. lol

jan123

For me, mine will get the full amount of love and trust when he earns it. You can't just go barreling through people's lives like a frieght train gone wild, hurting, and dissapointing people left, right, and centre without a huge amount of damage being done. I spent years attempting to prove my love for him, only to spend the last year trying to clean up the mess he left behind.

It's not about him anymore. It's not about his life or his job or his recovery or what he needs or dosen't need anymore. I danced in his rodeo long enough. I am sorry he smokes "crack" but he does. I am sorry that he runs to his "crack friends" but he does, I am sorry for a lot of things. Equally, I don't care if it is called a "disease" or a "choice" or a "bowl of popcorn", it really dosen't matter.
No one "won" when we were together, whether he wins in the future or is a lost cause that again is up to him, and for him to prove it, not to me, but himself.

hello-kitty

I loved this part of your post. haha!

Take a back seat Cess. You can want him to get better, even try to "help" him get better, but that doesn't mean anything. He has to want to get better without you. He has to want to go to those meetings without you. He has to do it for himself. He must put his recovery before everything else in his life or he won't succeed at recovery. A recovering addict MUST be selfish if they are going to recover from addiction.

So take a wait and see attitude. And keep the focus on yourself. Give him that opportunity to be selfish and in charge of his recovery. Do it by being a little selfish and focusing on what you need for a change. Maybe call it self-fulfilment instead of being selfish.

Chino

That wasn't selfish, that was self-awareness. You're becoming aware of your own needs and what you are and not able/capable of. Give yourself a big pat on the back

mtr

cessy68,

That's not selfish that's called being realistic. I can image how liberated you must feel! So many of us struggle with these questions for years, committed to the relationship, and now in a state of ambivalence. Can you tell I'm talking from experience? Be happy you realized this now. You can continue to be a supportive friend as long as you choose. And it sounds like he has a very good friend in you.

jan123

I just looked up the word SUPPORT in the dictionary and broke it down to two ways you can look at it. The choice is ours to make:

1. to carry or bear the weight of;keep from falling,slipping or sinking;holdup
2. to maintain and provide for
3. to bear;endure;submit to;tolerate to keep
up;maintain;sustain

OR:

1. to give courage,faith,confidence to
2. to give approval to or be in favor of

The first one appears to be to hard, but I bet most of us have tried it. The second one..........works better for me.

Impurrfect

(((Cessy)))

I don't think you're being selfish, at all. I think you are just more aware of what you want, and don't want from life and that you realize addiction IS a lifelong thing.

I do want to clarify one thing, though. Just because we A's are A's for life, does not mean we struggle with the addiction for life. If we choose recovery, we may THINK about using, but we use the tools we've learned and it never goes past the thought. Think of Laurie, Anvil, Kitty and I when you think of RA's...we have full lives, don't sit around whining about what a struggle life is without drugs/alcohol. There are a lot of us out there, who have chosen recovery and a better way of life. Unfortunately, I think your bf is a long way from making that choice, and in separating yourself from him, YOU are making a wise choice.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Seren

(((Cessy)))
Must have been quite an experience. I have never been invited to an AA or NA meeting though I have been to the Al-Anon meeting near my apartment. Sometimes it might be a blessing to really understand how difficult the disease of addition is for those who suffer.

Hope your evening is peaceful, Cessy.
HG

Freedom1990

Nope, you're not being selfish at all. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict with years in recovery, and even I don't want to get involved with another alcoholic/addict, and I don't care how long they've been clean/sober!