Am I selfish?!!!

Old 01-15-2009, 06:38 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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thanks cessy! you took the words/thoughts right out of my soul! i let go of my raxbf in december right before the holidays. it was the most devastating thing i have ever felt. a month has passed and i ask the same questions below. that has helped bring me on my road to recovery....:praying

Originally Posted by cessy68 View Post

I walked away with a bit of clarity last night and said to myself, "cessy- this process could take FOREVER with him. Do you want to go through years and years of him 'falling' and going back to his addiciton? Do you want to go through his denial, that he isn't 'bad' like the guys in that room? Do you want to go to dinner, and NOT be able to have a glass of wine? As much as I'm in pain with him gone- do I want the drama anymore of worrying, wondering, praying, hopeing, that things turn around for him? Do I want to sit through his revelations about how much he has hurt his exwife and kids over the years??"

I don't know guys- I don't know if I want it. I'm truely sorry if I sound selfish. I know that I should be 'hopeful and happy' that he asked me to help him seek help.

I know that all I wanted was for him to 'get sober' and have our life back.

But I know now, that the dynamics would greatly change if he got sober, and I don't think he is at a 'rock bottom' point right now to really make the changes. I know he is aware he has a problem - and is 'wanting' to change it- but I feel he thinks he's 'different' and can get a handle on it. (I know classic denial)- I see this and think- I just don't know if I want to put the time and energy into him anymore.

I do love him. However, sometimes love just isn't enough.
i still love him, i pray for him everyday, i sometimes even dream he will come back and be sober and be the man he was...again that is a dream and reality hits.

do i want the same life repreated he did to his first wife and the kids? i still see them suffer with his addiction. do i want to be 2nd wife and do the same thing? its a lot on ones soul to contemplate but i want my life to be happy without all those worries you and i question. thank you for your post! i was feeling sad and thinking of him and you brought me right back to earth!
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