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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: alden, ny
Posts: 5
New to site
Tring to find ways to help with my boyfriend. His a crack addict in recovery, he has 8 months clean. He has severe mood swings. He seems, well I thought he seemed to being good in recovery. Last nite he told me all he thinks about is using again. I reminded him of what would become of his using. Jail, loss of family and friends again. He is a very decent man, with a horrible addiction problem. I myself have never used, so I have no clue what he is going thru in recovery. I'm looking for ideas on how to help him thru this process. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, lisa. You have come to a good place where people understand because we have been where you are.
Make yourself comfortable, take a read around, and others will be along to welcome you also.
Sadly, we cannot change our addicts, only they can do that when they are ready. But we can learn to live life well, regardless of how they are doing.
Live meetings helped a lot of us here, Naranon, Alanon and CoDa are three similar fellowships that have helped so many of us find a better way to live. Maybe check your area and try going to some meetings as well as coming here, I promise you will be glad you did.
Again, welcome and I am happy you have joined us on our journey.
Hugs
Make yourself comfortable, take a read around, and others will be along to welcome you also.
Sadly, we cannot change our addicts, only they can do that when they are ready. But we can learn to live life well, regardless of how they are doing.
Live meetings helped a lot of us here, Naranon, Alanon and CoDa are three similar fellowships that have helped so many of us find a better way to live. Maybe check your area and try going to some meetings as well as coming here, I promise you will be glad you did.
Again, welcome and I am happy you have joined us on our journey.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Lisa,
Welcome to SR....ditto what has already been said. Just remember that your boyfriend's addiction is his own. You did not cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure him (the three C's that I have learned here on this board and in Al-Anon). There are many people here who are going through or have gone through the very same thing.
I wish you and your boyfriend the best! You will find lots of support here!
HG
Welcome to SR....ditto what has already been said. Just remember that your boyfriend's addiction is his own. You did not cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure him (the three C's that I have learned here on this board and in Al-Anon). There are many people here who are going through or have gone through the very same thing.
I wish you and your boyfriend the best! You will find lots of support here!
HG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome lisa, this is a wonderful place to help yourself. we can not help our loved ones stay clean. they have to do that on their own. there recovery is theres. read around & keep coming back. 8 months is a good start. let him know how proud you are of him but his is his. this is a one day at a time program.hugs & prayers,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Lisa, i found the best way to help my son was to work on my own recovery. Once i got my head together and started living for myself and finding my own happiness it just took the air out of some of his excuses and behavior. I did it for me not him but that was a brillant side effect. The loved ones of an addict can get swept up in the cycles of addiction and can actually hurt the addict by trying to fix them. I'm leading by example and living my own life instead of trying to change him. The greatest benefit of this is that even if he has crisis in his life it doesnt have to always be a crisis in my life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
lisa, welcome to SR. As it has already been said, you cannot control your BF addiction. 8 months is a really good start, and I sincerely hope he will continue in recovery. As for you, definitely continue with SR and if possible try some f2f meetings. Naranon & Alanon, literally saved my life.
Good luck & God Bless,
Chris
Good luck & God Bless,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lisa)))
Welcome to SR!
I'm a recovering crack addict. I'm also a recovering codie (codependent), who was involved with an alcoholic and 2 crack addicts. My last XABF (ex-addict boyfriend) was a crack addict. I still love him, but cannot be with him as he continues to use and I can't be around him or the crack.
What everyone says above is true. The best thing you can do for him is to focus on YOU and let him work his own recovery. When I first got clean from crack, that's all I did...I just stopped using. That isn't enough. I never accepted the fact that I am powerless over crack and can't use it again. That left me angry, and that's no way to live. After quite a bit of clean time, I relapsed. I KNEW where it would lead me, but I did it anyway.
This time, I've pretty much changed the way I look at life. I know I can't use any substance to deal with the stress that comes with life. I had to find other ways to deal with it. This is what recovery, for an addict, is all about, and we have to find that for ourselves. Some of us attend meetings, some go to counseling, I use SR and have friends who are RA's (recovering addicts). No matter how much my family loves me, they do not understand addiction and they are not the ones I can talk to about certain things.
My family will also not tolerate any "addict behavior". If I were to start lying, disappear for any length of time, stop paying bills, etc. I will no longer be welcome at home. This is their boundary, and I respect it, or I'm out. This has greatly helped MY recovery, and I have 22 months clean.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR!
I'm a recovering crack addict. I'm also a recovering codie (codependent), who was involved with an alcoholic and 2 crack addicts. My last XABF (ex-addict boyfriend) was a crack addict. I still love him, but cannot be with him as he continues to use and I can't be around him or the crack.
What everyone says above is true. The best thing you can do for him is to focus on YOU and let him work his own recovery. When I first got clean from crack, that's all I did...I just stopped using. That isn't enough. I never accepted the fact that I am powerless over crack and can't use it again. That left me angry, and that's no way to live. After quite a bit of clean time, I relapsed. I KNEW where it would lead me, but I did it anyway.
This time, I've pretty much changed the way I look at life. I know I can't use any substance to deal with the stress that comes with life. I had to find other ways to deal with it. This is what recovery, for an addict, is all about, and we have to find that for ourselves. Some of us attend meetings, some go to counseling, I use SR and have friends who are RA's (recovering addicts). No matter how much my family loves me, they do not understand addiction and they are not the ones I can talk to about certain things.
My family will also not tolerate any "addict behavior". If I were to start lying, disappear for any length of time, stop paying bills, etc. I will no longer be welcome at home. This is their boundary, and I respect it, or I'm out. This has greatly helped MY recovery, and I have 22 months clean.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Hi Lisa,
My son has been struggling with alcohol/pot addiction for 4 years, so I understand the need an desire to help. Just take it a day at a time, focus on your life for a while, and keep reading on the forum. Sometimes it is in reaching out to others that we get an answer, either from our own head or anothers. Don't be afraid to post often.
krhea
My son has been struggling with alcohol/pot addiction for 4 years, so I understand the need an desire to help. Just take it a day at a time, focus on your life for a while, and keep reading on the forum. Sometimes it is in reaching out to others that we get an answer, either from our own head or anothers. Don't be afraid to post often.
krhea
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