Language of Letting Go - Jan. 14 - Accepting Anger
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - Jan. 14 - Accepting Anger
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Accepting Anger
Anger is one of the many profound effects life has on us. It's one of our emotions. And we're going to feel it when it comes our way -- or else repress it.
--Codependent No More
If I were working a good program, I wouldn't get angry.... If I were a good Christian, I wouldn't feel angry.... If I were really using my affirmations about how happy I am, I wouldn't be angry.... Those are old messages that seduce us into not feeling again. Anger is part of life. We need not dwell in it or seek it out, but we can't afford to ignore it.
In recovery, we learn we can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for what we do when we feel angry. We don't have to let anger control us, but it surely will if we prevent ourselves from feeling it.
Being grateful, being positive, being healthy, does not mean we never feel angry. Being grateful, positive, and healthy means we feel angry when we need to.
Today, I will let myself be angry, if I need to. I can feel and release my emotions, including anger, constructively. I will be grateful for my anger and the things it is trying to show me. I can feel and accept all my emotions without shame, and I can take responsibility for my actions.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Accepting Anger
Anger is one of the many profound effects life has on us. It's one of our emotions. And we're going to feel it when it comes our way -- or else repress it.
--Codependent No More
If I were working a good program, I wouldn't get angry.... If I were a good Christian, I wouldn't feel angry.... If I were really using my affirmations about how happy I am, I wouldn't be angry.... Those are old messages that seduce us into not feeling again. Anger is part of life. We need not dwell in it or seek it out, but we can't afford to ignore it.
In recovery, we learn we can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for what we do when we feel angry. We don't have to let anger control us, but it surely will if we prevent ourselves from feeling it.
Being grateful, being positive, being healthy, does not mean we never feel angry. Being grateful, positive, and healthy means we feel angry when we need to.
Today, I will let myself be angry, if I need to. I can feel and release my emotions, including anger, constructively. I will be grateful for my anger and the things it is trying to show me. I can feel and accept all my emotions without shame, and I can take responsibility for my actions.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Anger is part of life. We need not dwell in it or seek it out, but we can't afford to ignore it.
How relieved I was to accept anger as a natural emotion, and to learn to express my anger in well thought out words and then let go of it. I no longer had to let anger control me, even though I could not banish it from my life either.
Today I take pause when I am angry and decide why something disturbs me. Today I can take time to cool down and not "act out" in anger, and then take appropriate action to let go.
And today I don't have to take ownership of anyone else's anger, it's their issue to work through and then discuss respectfully with me when cooler heads can prevail.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Tough one. I would love to hear examples of how people handle anger in a productive way. I tend to either keep it in... afraid of what I might say or do or I cry or blow up. Gets it out but with too much energy and leftover guilt. Thoughts????
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Anger in itself is not a bad emotion. It is the body's siren that something is wrong, dangerous, or harmful to the self or others. It is how we use the anger that becomes a problem or when anger takes over for feelings of minor irritation. I have suffered from a bad temper all of my life - it is subsiding as i get older and i dont loose control during my anger as much but i've had to really work on it. Anger is a feeling that cant be pushed down because holding anger in will eventually cause us to blow. Letting anger out before it gets to the out of control stage is healthy.
for me I have found that my unhealthy anger stemmed on the fact that i had to control everything around me and my tendancy to perfection. If the smallest thing didnt go the way I thought it should it infuriated me. so I would nag, complain, yell, thinking everyone else was nuts for not seeing what was so clear to me - everything was black and white. Once I allowed myself to see the gray areas and to accept the fact that there's not always a right way/ wrong way and that other people have the right to do things and believe things that are different from me I stopped loosing control so much.
An example imallright of my irrational anger: I would always get mad that i had to do the majority of the cleaning (that in itself is not wrong just becuase others should help too). But where it got out of control on my part is that i'd yell for people to help or rant about how "I always have to do everything around here." So to shut me up someone would load the dishwasher. But they would load it the Wrong Way. it would just irk me that they didnt load it in a way that would maximize the volume in the dishwasher. So now i would have to have a little rant and reorganize the dishwasher. So here i am yelling when they dont help and yelling when they do - no wonder no one wanted to help me. I cant tell you how many times my anger caused this silly thing to turn into a huge argument. Once I stopped letting my feelings of anger get out of control they were more willing to help and not argue about it.
I still get angry when everything is left to me or when they trash the house but now I just say - go clean your mess in the kitchen and they do. I dont scream, I dont guilt them, I dont throw a pity party or a tantrum and we dont have huge blowups over silly things.
There are times when my full anger is warranted and needs to be used. When my son was in his heaviest active stage he was very violent. At one point he was chasing his little sister around the house trying to get the phone because she was calling 911. That was a time that my anger came out in full force because I needed to protect my daughter. I could never take my son physically but the force of the adrenaline took over my normal physical capabilities and i was able to get her out of danger.
When its that gray area anger - warranted but not necessary to go into attack mode - I get myself out of the situation, go for a drive, get away from the source of my anger, do something physical to let that negative energy out, talk to someone that calms me. I also have to look at the situation and determine why i feel so angry - am i trying to control something out of my control or do i have a valid feeling of anger because someone is harming me.
I want to get a punching bag and some gloves - i'd love to go out to the garage when i feel angry and just take it out on an inanimate object - funny thing is our court counselor is actually looking for one for me because she's a blackbelt and from experience says this is a great way to get out these emotions.
for me I have found that my unhealthy anger stemmed on the fact that i had to control everything around me and my tendancy to perfection. If the smallest thing didnt go the way I thought it should it infuriated me. so I would nag, complain, yell, thinking everyone else was nuts for not seeing what was so clear to me - everything was black and white. Once I allowed myself to see the gray areas and to accept the fact that there's not always a right way/ wrong way and that other people have the right to do things and believe things that are different from me I stopped loosing control so much.
An example imallright of my irrational anger: I would always get mad that i had to do the majority of the cleaning (that in itself is not wrong just becuase others should help too). But where it got out of control on my part is that i'd yell for people to help or rant about how "I always have to do everything around here." So to shut me up someone would load the dishwasher. But they would load it the Wrong Way. it would just irk me that they didnt load it in a way that would maximize the volume in the dishwasher. So now i would have to have a little rant and reorganize the dishwasher. So here i am yelling when they dont help and yelling when they do - no wonder no one wanted to help me. I cant tell you how many times my anger caused this silly thing to turn into a huge argument. Once I stopped letting my feelings of anger get out of control they were more willing to help and not argue about it.
I still get angry when everything is left to me or when they trash the house but now I just say - go clean your mess in the kitchen and they do. I dont scream, I dont guilt them, I dont throw a pity party or a tantrum and we dont have huge blowups over silly things.
There are times when my full anger is warranted and needs to be used. When my son was in his heaviest active stage he was very violent. At one point he was chasing his little sister around the house trying to get the phone because she was calling 911. That was a time that my anger came out in full force because I needed to protect my daughter. I could never take my son physically but the force of the adrenaline took over my normal physical capabilities and i was able to get her out of danger.
When its that gray area anger - warranted but not necessary to go into attack mode - I get myself out of the situation, go for a drive, get away from the source of my anger, do something physical to let that negative energy out, talk to someone that calms me. I also have to look at the situation and determine why i feel so angry - am i trying to control something out of my control or do i have a valid feeling of anger because someone is harming me.
I want to get a punching bag and some gloves - i'd love to go out to the garage when i feel angry and just take it out on an inanimate object - funny thing is our court counselor is actually looking for one for me because she's a blackbelt and from experience says this is a great way to get out these emotions.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by winnie12 
I also have to look at the situation and determine why i feel so angry - am i trying to control something out of my control or do i have a valid feeling of anger because someone is harming me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
I have always held my anger inside too, until it got too much then I would flip out, bang doors, throw things, and say thinks that I so much regretted after..Well I rarely flip out anymore, so I guess I have matured somewhat, but I still hold my anger inside..
What I have been trying to do is to talk to the person who I am angry with when I am calm and tell them how I feel. I also go for walks and get out of situations so I can think and find peace.
What I have been trying to do is to talk to the person who I am angry with when I am calm and tell them how I feel. I also go for walks and get out of situations so I can think and find peace.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
I sat on my anger for most of my life, not knowing how to let it out and believing, as I was taught ,that good girls don't get angry, and also terrified of the emotions attached to my anger after years of 'stuffing it' so as not to risk rejection or abandonment .
Anger was a hidden volcano ...
I finally learned to not be afraid of my anger, and to appreciate the difference between anger and righteous anger and accept my right to express it constructively..but I can still be caught in that place of being hesitant to speak it, where the risk of loss great if I don't keep the focus on me.
now, it is like any other emotion I own, and a tool for release and healing, as long as I remember that I have the right to respectfully express it and give myself the emotional space to do so.
Anger was a hidden volcano ...
I finally learned to not be afraid of my anger, and to appreciate the difference between anger and righteous anger and accept my right to express it constructively..but I can still be caught in that place of being hesitant to speak it, where the risk of loss great if I don't keep the focus on me.
now, it is like any other emotion I own, and a tool for release and healing, as long as I remember that I have the right to respectfully express it and give myself the emotional space to do so.
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