afiet

Hi everyone!

I wanted to get feedback on your personal opinion/experience with relationships during substance abuse. I have been doing everything I can lately to learn more about this disease and have read the standard line in many places- get a plant, if the plant makes it, get a pet, if the pet makes it wait and then start a relationship. What about those of us that are already married when we start our journeys? Can we meet it through the program together (physically together) as long as we work our separate programs and remain honest or does putting recovery before marriage put a strain on the relationship? Any insight, things that worked, didn't work, etc are greatly appreciated!

Thanks for listening.

Ann

From where I sit, new relationships should wait until recovery is solid and the person is healthy. Healthy attracts healthy, and the relationship choice after a year clean is often much better than and quite different from what one might have chosen at 3 months or 6 months.

Existing relationships are sometimes damaged beyond repair. Some do well when both people have a recovery program or they can seek out counseling to help work through the issues of anger and trust that are often quite raw even when the addict gets clean.

It takes a lot of work to make any relationship work with give and take on both parts, lots of tolerance and understanding, and an ability to work through problems rather than let problems divide the couple.

I'm not sure why you ask, but wish you well in any relationship you find, now or in the future. May it be healthy and beneficial to all involved.

Hugs

LynziDee

My husband is a recovering addict. We have been married for 14 years. He was not in active addiction until after we married. He went to rehab in March, 2008 and has been clean and sober since. I cannot say things have always been easy, but we do work through the rough times. He has a program and I have mine, and that works for us. We both struggle with different issues, but we can sit and talk about things instead of yelling and screaming.

Hope this helps!!

imallright

Anything is possible, but regardless of which road you choose for you and the realtionship... it is going to be rough and require tons of work. Just be true to you and what makes you healthy and you will figure out the rest.

winnie12

I'd never have a relationship if i had to keep a plant alive - i have a black thumb lol

I dont think anyone would tell you in recovery to end your existing relationship just not to start a new relationship while you are healing. My own opinion is that once you take the usage out of the relationship its like starting over - two new people getting to know each other all over again. Its still good to take things slow while those changes are taking place. People can go through a lot of ups/downs while they make such drastic changes in their life.

Remember no ones journey is exactly the same - you'll figure out what works in yours as you go.

URMYEVERYTHING

My BF is currently working on his recovery and he stole $4300 worth of jewelry in his active addiction. He had 5 yrs. clean prior to his recent 2 month run on heroin. I cut him off immediately. Since he is receiving treatment and working towards his recovery I let him in my heart when I want to. I have laid the boundaries out and he respects it. Our journey to get back to the loving relationship will take time. We both know this and we both want it (recovery for him, forgiveness for me and a loving relationship for both of us). Like the others have said, relationships have their own separate issues and whether it's trust, addiction, an affair, a selfish spouse, a non communicative spouse, etc. and etc. couples have to work hard everyday to establish and/or regain trust, communication and respect. With those three elements in a relationship from the start of it will survive and make it through the difficult times. I thank God that my BF and I have developed a strong foundation prior to his relapse. It made a difference. I wish you the best.