Thank you SR for helping me 'let go'
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 55
Thank you SR for helping me 'let go'
Thank you SR, for teaching me to let go!
I first posted here at begin of Nov ’08 to ask how many more relapses would my boyfriend go through?
Quick recap- we have been tog 4 years. He has a 10year history of heroin & crack addiction. I left him 2years ago for 6months and then we got back tog. He had been clean for 2 yrs but at the beginning of Nov he relapsed (heroin).
He promised to stop before Christmas…..blah blah blah. Now its nearly the middle of Jan and he is still using!
BUT the good thing is I have let go! It is amazing!
On boxing day I went away for 2weeks to see my sister in Europe. He promised to be clean when he returned. He phoned halfway through my vacation to say he can’t do it alone. He was too weak to look after all our animals (6dogs, pigs & chickens). So he sold 4 of our dogs and said he would start detoxing…..
….Next phone call he says ‘I am waiting for you to come home for support to detox’…..I have been home 3 days and guess what?....Yes! he is still using!
I am away today for a 5week placement for uni and then on my return I was planning to move out for 6-12 months. He doesn’t want me to be the one to leave our home, so he has said he will go away instead (travelling for 6months). I have set firm boundaries in my head. I have set a date to re-evaluate things if there has been no change.
The great thing is; I am not worrying! I am not panicking! I am not hyperventilating! I am too tired for his addiction to affect me! I am not sitting around waiting for him to come home! I am not sitting amongst his chaotic life with drugs! I am doing my own thing, getting on with my own life. I am phoning friends and having normal conversations (I used to not phone friends for weeks as was soo messed up by the chaos of addiction in our life). I am NOT feeling the PAIN! My emotions are no longer on a pendulum that depends on his behaviour!
When I see him sat on the sofa and he puts his arms out for a cuddle, I am remaining sat on my bottom! I want a cuddle too but I will no longer enable him to do drugs! I no longer lend him money, drive him places, let him have the car. I tell him what he looks like when he is sat gouched out on the sofa. I know he doesn’t like it but I do not care! I do not want to see that in OUR home anymore!
On my vacation away, I spoke to guys and realised how life could be….that there are nice normal non-chaotic guys out there!
I have examined when & why I started to date recovering addicts & addicts.
I still totally love my boyf. I still have hope for us but I am also not living in our little bubble anymore and realise he may never change.
I have a little sadness/grief in me about our relationship, becoming aware that our dreams together may never happen… I am letting it simmer along (I will deal with that another time in my head!). He still has soo much hope, always saying things like ‘our children will be like that’ or ‘when we build our own home in a couple of years’.
He hopes he will find himself again when he gets away travelling (?) He has done a lot of research into his addiction- he just bought all these tablets (amino acids etc) off the internet to help his brain chemistry re-connect. He is going to see a hypnotherapist to address some probs in his head. He is attempting to start detoxing when I leave tonight. To me these are good he wants to try….but they maybe seem the easier options (?) rather than work a program-something he refuses to do. I do know that there are people out there who can recover without a program, I hope one day he stops but for the now I have distanced myself before I end up hating him.
I have only managed to ‘let go’ because of the strength I have drawn from SR, reading many posts, the wise words and experiences.
Thank you everyone at SR
Happy New Year and peace to you all
My thoughts are with those going through it all
xx
I first posted here at begin of Nov ’08 to ask how many more relapses would my boyfriend go through?
Quick recap- we have been tog 4 years. He has a 10year history of heroin & crack addiction. I left him 2years ago for 6months and then we got back tog. He had been clean for 2 yrs but at the beginning of Nov he relapsed (heroin).
He promised to stop before Christmas…..blah blah blah. Now its nearly the middle of Jan and he is still using!
BUT the good thing is I have let go! It is amazing!
On boxing day I went away for 2weeks to see my sister in Europe. He promised to be clean when he returned. He phoned halfway through my vacation to say he can’t do it alone. He was too weak to look after all our animals (6dogs, pigs & chickens). So he sold 4 of our dogs and said he would start detoxing…..
….Next phone call he says ‘I am waiting for you to come home for support to detox’…..I have been home 3 days and guess what?....Yes! he is still using!
I am away today for a 5week placement for uni and then on my return I was planning to move out for 6-12 months. He doesn’t want me to be the one to leave our home, so he has said he will go away instead (travelling for 6months). I have set firm boundaries in my head. I have set a date to re-evaluate things if there has been no change.
The great thing is; I am not worrying! I am not panicking! I am not hyperventilating! I am too tired for his addiction to affect me! I am not sitting around waiting for him to come home! I am not sitting amongst his chaotic life with drugs! I am doing my own thing, getting on with my own life. I am phoning friends and having normal conversations (I used to not phone friends for weeks as was soo messed up by the chaos of addiction in our life). I am NOT feeling the PAIN! My emotions are no longer on a pendulum that depends on his behaviour!
When I see him sat on the sofa and he puts his arms out for a cuddle, I am remaining sat on my bottom! I want a cuddle too but I will no longer enable him to do drugs! I no longer lend him money, drive him places, let him have the car. I tell him what he looks like when he is sat gouched out on the sofa. I know he doesn’t like it but I do not care! I do not want to see that in OUR home anymore!
On my vacation away, I spoke to guys and realised how life could be….that there are nice normal non-chaotic guys out there!
I have examined when & why I started to date recovering addicts & addicts.
I still totally love my boyf. I still have hope for us but I am also not living in our little bubble anymore and realise he may never change.
I have a little sadness/grief in me about our relationship, becoming aware that our dreams together may never happen… I am letting it simmer along (I will deal with that another time in my head!). He still has soo much hope, always saying things like ‘our children will be like that’ or ‘when we build our own home in a couple of years’.
He hopes he will find himself again when he gets away travelling (?) He has done a lot of research into his addiction- he just bought all these tablets (amino acids etc) off the internet to help his brain chemistry re-connect. He is going to see a hypnotherapist to address some probs in his head. He is attempting to start detoxing when I leave tonight. To me these are good he wants to try….but they maybe seem the easier options (?) rather than work a program-something he refuses to do. I do know that there are people out there who can recover without a program, I hope one day he stops but for the now I have distanced myself before I end up hating him.
I have only managed to ‘let go’ because of the strength I have drawn from SR, reading many posts, the wise words and experiences.
Thank you everyone at SR
Happy New Year and peace to you all
My thoughts are with those going through it all
xx
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Good to see you living your life and enjoying it!
Your recovery is shining!
I hope your b/f finds his way.
But, in the meantime, leaving the chaos behind is the right thing to do.
You sound happy and fullfilled.
Life is meant to be lived. And you're doing it.
Good for you!
Shalom!
Your recovery is shining!
I hope your b/f finds his way.
But, in the meantime, leaving the chaos behind is the right thing to do.
You sound happy and fullfilled.
Life is meant to be lived. And you're doing it.
Good for you!
Shalom!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It sounds like you are on a good path, Sophia, and keeping your balance along the way is a good way to stay clear in your thinking.
It is sad to give up dreams of what might have been, but it is sadder to keep dreaming until it all becomes a nightmare.
My prayers go out for him, that he may find the desire to put into action what right now are only words.
There is a magic here at SR, it changed my life too when I came in here as the walking wounded almost 7 years ago, and I am grateful for all the support and love of people who have walked with me on my journey. We`re walking with you too now, and we`re here for you good days and bad.
Hugs
It is sad to give up dreams of what might have been, but it is sadder to keep dreaming until it all becomes a nightmare.
My prayers go out for him, that he may find the desire to put into action what right now are only words.
There is a magic here at SR, it changed my life too when I came in here as the walking wounded almost 7 years ago, and I am grateful for all the support and love of people who have walked with me on my journey. We`re walking with you too now, and we`re here for you good days and bad.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Good for you, hon. Stay strong. IMO, the last thing you want to be talking about is having a family with someone who would sell your dogs while you are away on vacation! You will be well and happy if you just keep thinking of you, taking care of you and sticking to your boundaries. All the best!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 55
imallright- you are exactly right about the family/dog situ! Funny thing is I was drawn to his impulsive nature when we were first met but now it has been one of the factors that has pushed me away!
I can deal with impulsive purchases of cars/homes/gadgets but dogs- no no! Animals are living creatures and this last act of selling them was too much for me. He is hoping to address his impulsive streak with help from therapy....will wait and see! As Ann says its all words at the moment!
This path of letting go is hard, but as soon as I feel the worry welling up in me or think about making frantic phone calls to the bf, I get straight back onto the computer and read posts on SR to remind myself why 'letting go' is GOOD! The other good part of letting go is not having to feel that crazy 'everything is out of control' feeling- that was exhausting!
I know I am getting through this as a few years ago, I would have never left him to go on vacation. Now I can and don't even keep my phone by my side.
I feel lucky to not have endured any abuse in our relationship & he keeps it hidden away from me as he is soo ashamed....wish he was ashamed enough to make him stop drugs for good!
Thank you for a great website and to everyone part of SR.
Hope lives on
I can deal with impulsive purchases of cars/homes/gadgets but dogs- no no! Animals are living creatures and this last act of selling them was too much for me. He is hoping to address his impulsive streak with help from therapy....will wait and see! As Ann says its all words at the moment!
This path of letting go is hard, but as soon as I feel the worry welling up in me or think about making frantic phone calls to the bf, I get straight back onto the computer and read posts on SR to remind myself why 'letting go' is GOOD! The other good part of letting go is not having to feel that crazy 'everything is out of control' feeling- that was exhausting!
I know I am getting through this as a few years ago, I would have never left him to go on vacation. Now I can and don't even keep my phone by my side.
I feel lucky to not have endured any abuse in our relationship & he keeps it hidden away from me as he is soo ashamed....wish he was ashamed enough to make him stop drugs for good!
Thank you for a great website and to everyone part of SR.
Hope lives on
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 55
Hi to all the wonderful people at SR
Am looking for advice as to coping with falling back into the co-dependent role!
Its taken the last 2months of reading SR posts to realise that I am a co-dependent. When I wrote this post 12 days ago, I felt great to feel 'detached' from him. I was away from our home for 6days and even though I thought about my abf every second, I didn't contact him. I then went home for a night (last w/e)....I wish I never!
He had deteriorated soo much in 6 days....I haven't seen him this bad in over 3 years. He used more tinfoil in a weekend (smoking heroin) than I use in a year for cooking.... and I love cooking!!
I was totally shocked that he could fall further down that road...and I let it get to me..
The w/e was spent crying, arguing, feeling despair...etc etc. I found a £200 bag of H and chucked it in the fire along with his sim card for his mobile. Thing is, it didn't make me feel any better!
He admits he is an addict. He says he can sort himself out (whatever!) he has tried to detox countless times at home in the last month. I guess he will when he is ready. He says this relapse has been the hardest ever because he has soo soo much to loose, meaning 'us' and the chance to have a family etc.
Yet he is still dwelling in his tooter and tinfoil!
Its soo hard to not take his addiction personally. In arguements I quote things I have read from SR. He has even began to repeat them! Like..."yes darling, I know its my actions that speaks louder than words"...
He swears he won't go back to injecting...Yeah right!....at this rate he will be injecting by next week. He swears he would never take other junkies out to our new home....Yeah right! We live in the middle of nowhere, we rarely lock our doors/cars. But if he's feeling lonely he used to take peop back out to our old house (also in the country) and they would return and rob us. This is something I worry about when I am away...(I'm away on a 5wk placement) So I've taken all my valuable jewellery with me....
It shouldn't be like this! I am soo glad I am realising this (thanks to SR)...and keep telling myself I don't want a life with an addict. I've ordered the 'codenpendent no more' book.
When I left our home after the w/e, I felt some peace! We haven't spoken for 4 days....of course its hard but I keep reading posts here and its great being away from him and drugs.
One thing this horrible w/e made me realise is that a break for at least 12months is best. I still have my dream in my head that he will get better and we can start a family....I CAN'T LET IT GO! (yet!)
Hope time heals like they say it does!
Thanks for listening
Peace
Am looking for advice as to coping with falling back into the co-dependent role!
Its taken the last 2months of reading SR posts to realise that I am a co-dependent. When I wrote this post 12 days ago, I felt great to feel 'detached' from him. I was away from our home for 6days and even though I thought about my abf every second, I didn't contact him. I then went home for a night (last w/e)....I wish I never!
He had deteriorated soo much in 6 days....I haven't seen him this bad in over 3 years. He used more tinfoil in a weekend (smoking heroin) than I use in a year for cooking.... and I love cooking!!
I was totally shocked that he could fall further down that road...and I let it get to me..
The w/e was spent crying, arguing, feeling despair...etc etc. I found a £200 bag of H and chucked it in the fire along with his sim card for his mobile. Thing is, it didn't make me feel any better!
He admits he is an addict. He says he can sort himself out (whatever!) he has tried to detox countless times at home in the last month. I guess he will when he is ready. He says this relapse has been the hardest ever because he has soo soo much to loose, meaning 'us' and the chance to have a family etc.
Yet he is still dwelling in his tooter and tinfoil!
Its soo hard to not take his addiction personally. In arguements I quote things I have read from SR. He has even began to repeat them! Like..."yes darling, I know its my actions that speaks louder than words"...
He swears he won't go back to injecting...Yeah right!....at this rate he will be injecting by next week. He swears he would never take other junkies out to our new home....Yeah right! We live in the middle of nowhere, we rarely lock our doors/cars. But if he's feeling lonely he used to take peop back out to our old house (also in the country) and they would return and rob us. This is something I worry about when I am away...(I'm away on a 5wk placement) So I've taken all my valuable jewellery with me....
It shouldn't be like this! I am soo glad I am realising this (thanks to SR)...and keep telling myself I don't want a life with an addict. I've ordered the 'codenpendent no more' book.
When I left our home after the w/e, I felt some peace! We haven't spoken for 4 days....of course its hard but I keep reading posts here and its great being away from him and drugs.
One thing this horrible w/e made me realise is that a break for at least 12months is best. I still have my dream in my head that he will get better and we can start a family....I CAN'T LET IT GO! (yet!)
Hope time heals like they say it does!
Thanks for listening
Peace
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh dear....it is very hard, I'm sure, to see someone you love sink to such a state...your staying with him only kept his surroundings clean, it did not help him past his addiction. Remeber that he is the only one who can do that.
Maybe...just maybe....living like he is will be his bottom. But, maybe not. You can continue to clean up after him, or you can allow him to wrestle with his addiction while you work on your own codie recovery. If the two of you can work something out, it will happen after you both have been working on your own recoveries.
Just remember the peace you have felt lately while you have not been around him and the drugs....imagine the rest of your life with that sort of peace.
Hugs and best wishes!
HG
Maybe...just maybe....living like he is will be his bottom. But, maybe not. You can continue to clean up after him, or you can allow him to wrestle with his addiction while you work on your own codie recovery. If the two of you can work something out, it will happen after you both have been working on your own recoveries.
Just remember the peace you have felt lately while you have not been around him and the drugs....imagine the rest of your life with that sort of peace.
Hugs and best wishes!
HG
scorpgrl1978
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 52
Sophia, I feel your pain. I really do. I myself said no more after leaving my AH this past October; again, one of the hardest things I've ever done in life. I have to say that after countless false attempts to do right and get better, and the countless times that he made promises and did not keep them, and almost died, etc etc......I finally said no more and took the kids and left.
And since then, we have not seen each other in almost going on 4 months. And these past 4 months have been extremely peaceful, let me tell you. It has become most evident in our children, mainly our daughter who is only 3, and my son, being 8 months, is still unaware. Our daughter used to have sort of a hair trigger reaction to things, and I could just tell her anxiety level was higher b/c the tension in our household due to his drug problems was so high. NOW....she is so much more at peace, and seeing her happy and at peace lets me know I did the right thing, hands down.
Bear in mind that there is nothing you can do right now, and while it is always nice to think good thoughts of the future, the reality is of "right now" is what you need to first deal with, as building those dreams can ultimately lead to setting yourself up for more possible hurt when those dreams may become unfulfilled. So please just think of right now and the situation at hand. I find it best not to even listen to any more false promises, and give yourself the break and healing time that you need in order to cope with things. Also....DO NOT FEEL RESPONSIBLE if your ABF gets worse during the break up. This is something he may go through, and you may feel a pange of guilt over b/c you left him. I do not doubt you love him, and miss him, but think about what love really is, and know that the greatest love you may be able to give him is tough love. Meanwhile, give YOURSELF the love you deserve. This has all been highly traumatic I'm sure. You should surround yourself with family and friends right now who can support you and bring your attention back to finding YOU again......and I firmly believe you are on that path. You sound like a very smart girl, and you are thinking the right thoughts. Just continue to pray, and let God take care of your ABF for now. Time will tell whether he will truly stop or not. Good luck!
And since then, we have not seen each other in almost going on 4 months. And these past 4 months have been extremely peaceful, let me tell you. It has become most evident in our children, mainly our daughter who is only 3, and my son, being 8 months, is still unaware. Our daughter used to have sort of a hair trigger reaction to things, and I could just tell her anxiety level was higher b/c the tension in our household due to his drug problems was so high. NOW....she is so much more at peace, and seeing her happy and at peace lets me know I did the right thing, hands down.
Bear in mind that there is nothing you can do right now, and while it is always nice to think good thoughts of the future, the reality is of "right now" is what you need to first deal with, as building those dreams can ultimately lead to setting yourself up for more possible hurt when those dreams may become unfulfilled. So please just think of right now and the situation at hand. I find it best not to even listen to any more false promises, and give yourself the break and healing time that you need in order to cope with things. Also....DO NOT FEEL RESPONSIBLE if your ABF gets worse during the break up. This is something he may go through, and you may feel a pange of guilt over b/c you left him. I do not doubt you love him, and miss him, but think about what love really is, and know that the greatest love you may be able to give him is tough love. Meanwhile, give YOURSELF the love you deserve. This has all been highly traumatic I'm sure. You should surround yourself with family and friends right now who can support you and bring your attention back to finding YOU again......and I firmly believe you are on that path. You sound like a very smart girl, and you are thinking the right thoughts. Just continue to pray, and let God take care of your ABF for now. Time will tell whether he will truly stop or not. Good luck!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 55
Recaple78-your message brought tears to me eyes! I am soo glad you and your children are now feeling the peace. I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for you to leave with having children involved and being married.
But as you say, you know you did the right thing especially with the health of your children being affected when you lived with your AH.
Its amazing how anxiety can affect the household. Reading about your daughters hair reaction reminds me of one of our young dogs. (Not comparable to children but she is like my little baby!) She is very sensitive to 'change' and we notice that when there is tension/arguments in our home, she starts this crazy itching. It can last for days and she has to sometimes get steroid injections to calm it down.
(just had to mention that!)
....its easy to forget the other people/animals in the home when you are screaming your head off!
Has your AH made an attempt at recovery since you left?
Thank you for your message, I know its time to let him do his own thing, I do not want to hinder him anymore in healing himself!!
Best Wishes to you and your children
xx
But as you say, you know you did the right thing especially with the health of your children being affected when you lived with your AH.
Its amazing how anxiety can affect the household. Reading about your daughters hair reaction reminds me of one of our young dogs. (Not comparable to children but she is like my little baby!) She is very sensitive to 'change' and we notice that when there is tension/arguments in our home, she starts this crazy itching. It can last for days and she has to sometimes get steroid injections to calm it down.
(just had to mention that!)
....its easy to forget the other people/animals in the home when you are screaming your head off!Has your AH made an attempt at recovery since you left?
Thank you for your message, I know its time to let him do his own thing, I do not want to hinder him anymore in healing himself!!
Best Wishes to you and your children
xx
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