Playing Detective/Need Help
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
My daughter had a bag with such a stamp in her pocket (it was heroin that she was snorting) one time and her father called her out on it. She denied using again and again and when he pulled it out and asked "then what is this" she responded as if she did not see a thing there. Unfortunately when not ready for help, the denial runs deep. I hope that if you do confront him, his denial is not so deep and he is ready for help - whether you stay or go. Hugs
Im Clean Today
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Lowell, IN
Posts: 195
Originally Posted by Hangin' In 
In my book, the phrase "If you loved me, you'd give me another chance" is nothing but manipulation. I've heard that one a time or two from my addicted loved one. And what it really meant was, "Maybe if I can guilt you enough, I can convince you to continue what you're doing" which was ENABLING them to stay in their addiction.
Nope, no more. I don't want to help my loved one kill themself. Thank you, HP, that I don't fall for the guilt and manipulation anymore. Boy is that a good feeling!
Nope, no more. I don't want to help my loved one kill themself. Thank you, HP, that I don't fall for the guilt and manipulation anymore. Boy is that a good feeling!
That all I wonder as I read through here. Yes I am an addict but I promised my wife I would not use again and meant it the first time. Have been clean and we are both working on our trust issues. Is it that you have givin to many chances or it just the one?
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Lugnut,
My situation was with my daughter and I gave many chances. I was lied to over and over again. Lying is what addicts/alcoholics do when the are in their active disease. She lied in order to stay in her addiction.
But in her defense, I was just as sick as she was. You see, addiction is a family disease. I lived in denial for quite some time. I so wanted to believe her, believe she wasn't using, wasn't drinking, but my gut told me differently. I knew but I didn't want to face the reality because if I did then I HAD to change and do things differently.
I know that my daughter did not want to be lying to me, but her addiction was ruling her life at the time. And when we, her dad and I, got ourselves into recovery (Al Anon), we started learning we were not doing her nor ourselves any favor by living in our state of denial. We learned about setting healthy boundaries, about how to say what we mean without saying it mean and about not accepting unacceptable behavior. Continous lying was unacceptable behavior in our home thus the need for boundaries.
So am I all that hard hearted? No. I gave plenty of chances, way more than I should have. But each of us have our own path and we, just like our daughter, had to reach our breaking point in order to decide to say enough. It was only after I got into Al Anon and kept reading on this board did I learn about recovery and how to deal with the addiction so that I may have some peace and serenity in my life. And giving chance after chance to the person who continued to lie to me was not something I was willing to do. I only began to trust again (and it took a long time to get to that point) when I saw my daughter working a serious program of recovery.
My best to you and your wife.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
My situation was with my daughter and I gave many chances. I was lied to over and over again. Lying is what addicts/alcoholics do when the are in their active disease. She lied in order to stay in her addiction.
But in her defense, I was just as sick as she was. You see, addiction is a family disease. I lived in denial for quite some time. I so wanted to believe her, believe she wasn't using, wasn't drinking, but my gut told me differently. I knew but I didn't want to face the reality because if I did then I HAD to change and do things differently.
I know that my daughter did not want to be lying to me, but her addiction was ruling her life at the time. And when we, her dad and I, got ourselves into recovery (Al Anon), we started learning we were not doing her nor ourselves any favor by living in our state of denial. We learned about setting healthy boundaries, about how to say what we mean without saying it mean and about not accepting unacceptable behavior. Continous lying was unacceptable behavior in our home thus the need for boundaries.
So am I all that hard hearted? No. I gave plenty of chances, way more than I should have. But each of us have our own path and we, just like our daughter, had to reach our breaking point in order to decide to say enough. It was only after I got into Al Anon and kept reading on this board did I learn about recovery and how to deal with the addiction so that I may have some peace and serenity in my life. And giving chance after chance to the person who continued to lie to me was not something I was willing to do. I only began to trust again (and it took a long time to get to that point) when I saw my daughter working a serious program of recovery.
My best to you and your wife.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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