Going Back

Old 01-02-2009, 01:41 AM
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Going Back

Several years ago I left my xABF and went to another country to live and work. Seven years have passed. In that time my xbf visited me twice. Both trips were paid for by his family. Neither trip was requested by me. Both visits ended with him drunk and out of his mind on drugs/alcohol.

The last time he was here I had to have him put into a mental hospital, in lock down, by the police. Once he left that situation, he immediately started drinking/drugging again, and I had to have him arrested, placed in a holding cell for a week, and deported. He was banned from the country for a year.

My front door still has his shoe imprints embedded in it from when he wanted to "talk" to me: Let me IN Let me IN Let me IN...all the while kicking the door almost off it's hinges.

Next month I'm going back to my home country, and he knows it. I'm afraid his life will become my problem again. I want to be near my family and friends, and feel I've been in exile long enough. I don't want to move far away from my home town, just to avoid him.

I don't love him any longer. It won't bother me to see him again, as I have no desire to have a relationship with him. This is the truth. I want good things for him. I hope he sees the light and begins long term recovery, but I don't ever want to be with him again. Thankfully, trying to be in a relationship with him is not my problem, and if it were, I'd stay in exile a few years longer.

I just hope I'm strong enough to avoid getting roped into his ups and downs again. I'm still close with his family and don't want to cut all contact with them and mutual friends because of his drunken moments.

Has anyone managed to be "just friends" with an XAB?

Is it possible? Can it be done?
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Old 01-02-2009, 03:08 AM
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I don't know the laws where you are returning to, but please keep yourself safe from this man. He sounds very out of control and dangerous to me and it may take more than avoiding him to keep him out of your life.

In situations such as yours, when you remain in contact with his family and mutual friends, you can expect to be in contact with him. Under other circumstances, you could probably deal with this by making it clear that you are no longer interested in a relationship with him. However, I'm not sure that a man who kicks down doors would be willing to listen and respect your wishes.

Please be careful.

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Old 01-02-2009, 06:15 AM
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Amen to Ann's wise words. Protect yourself. This man doesn't sound like anyone who you want to be "just friends" with.... stay safe.
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Old 01-02-2009, 07:17 AM
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I'm not a big fan of being fans with ex's - especially ones with that kind of history. People you casually date i think you can be friends with but its just rare if you were serious - then it all depends upon how you broke up. With friends like that who needs enemies.
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Old 01-02-2009, 07:56 AM
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I don't think this is the kind of person you want as a friend...
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Old 01-02-2009, 08:23 AM
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So for whatever reasons, you moved to Asia and maintained contact with the ex sufficient enough that he visited you twice, on his familiy's dime.His visits came with serious dangerous implications.

You have been gone 7 years, a long, long time. And somehow, some way, this ex knows you are returning hme. You say you intend to re-establish contact with the ex's family and friends but are concerned about being strong enough to avoid getting caught up in his ups and downs.....You have rationalized his dangereous behaviors as " drunken moments".

Sometimes " staying in contact/ just being friends" is wishful thinking, that maybe some day, some way, things will change.

Sometimes 7 years is not enough.
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Old 01-02-2009, 08:36 AM
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IMHO, a person, such as he, with addiction, along with violence problems, is not someone I would want be friends with.

IF you decide to continue some sort of relationship with him, he will, most likely see it as more than, just friends, and you will be once again sucked into the drama.

It's like I tell my sons, in order to have a happy life, avoid the people who drag you down. (I call them the "Debbie Downers")

Just say no.

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Old 01-02-2009, 09:00 AM
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When their use has resorted to violence, why would you want someone like that around??
It seems that you have answered your own concerns by saying that it wouldn't matter to you if he is gone. Friends are people we want around and we HURT when they aren't. You have seemed to move on prior to his visit. One question?? Was your life more at peace b4 he came around again???
Old 01-02-2009, 09:11 AM
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I meant to say in my earlier post that i'm not fans of being friends with ex's.
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Old 01-02-2009, 11:44 AM
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You are my hero, Anvil!
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Old 01-03-2009, 12:45 AM
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Actually by "friends" I meant being civil in a small town.

Everyone knows each other. We are bound to see each other.

And yes, 7 years IS enough.
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Old 01-03-2009, 03:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Hikeon View Post

Has anyone managed to be "just friends" with an XAB?

Is it possible? Can it be done?
No. Not while they are actively using and especially violent.

And I'd like to point out,( from that addict/alkie experience) that while you were gone and "airing yourself out", the XAB has been using that time to let his issues fester and build, and progress. It's going to be rough for you while you try to remain close to his family.
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Old 01-03-2009, 11:48 AM
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If it is the states you are coming back to, before you leave, get copies of the police reports of what happened there in Taiwan, translated to English.

No need to have any contact with this person.

As soon as you arrive in your home town, head to the Court House and get a Permanent Restraining Order (PRO) Although in most states a Temporary (TRO) will be issued first with a hearing set for the PRO within 2 weeks to a month.

This will be served on him, giving him fair notice to STAY AWAY. After what he has done when visiting you, paid for by his enabling parents, I sure would want a PRO if it was me.

This is YOUR life we are talking about not his. YOU have the right to feel safe and secure.

It's called CYA.


Love and hugs,
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Old 01-03-2009, 12:24 PM
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What others have said. He is dangerous. Get a permanent restraining order. His parents are world class enablers. Break it off with them too. Don't give your address to anyone that might give it to him.
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Old 01-03-2009, 01:45 PM
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Oh and take pictures of your front door and attach to the police report that goes with that incident.

Pictures are worth thousands of words to a judge.

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-03-2009, 02:41 PM
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I generally agree with most that have posted a reply, however I can't help but find some sympathy in your heart for this guy. That tells me you are a special kind of human being. The fact that his parents paid for his trips to Taiwan probably shows that they are lost with what to do with him and have great respect for you. They are probably hoping your influence can rub off on him. Perhaps this guy really should be thrown away but you are the best judge of that. Kicking a door is terrible behavior but you make no mention of getting physical with you. Is his behavior the result of his being under the influence of substances? What is he like when he is sober? I have known several people that are good decent people until they get under the influence. Their body and mind chemistry is just not suited for substances. It brings out an uncontrollable animal. You state that you would like to be able to coexist in a small town with this guy. My advice is to take all of the precautions mentioned by the previous posts, but use your kind heart to write to him and let him know that although you are coming back, you are not interested in a relationship but you sincerely hope that he gets the help he needs to recover. I think this will help your good conscious and potentially help him (although it's doubtful). Good luck.
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