looking for some advice on NA from those who've used it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 64
looking for some advice on NA from those who've used it
I'm wrestling with something.
To make a long story short, my ASisters bf stood by her through a lot of her bad using periods, up to and including arrests for faking prescriptions. It really took a toll on him. Just as she was about to start her latest rehab she found out she was pregnant. I guess the stress of it all made him go out on a bender and come home in such a raging state the police had to come and haul him away.
That was a month or two ago. Since then he's had a charge hanging over his head and until its resolved he has to live elsewhere. As stressful as its been for the two of them she's kept up her treatments and doctors appointments pretty well, and he also seems to have benefited from the time apart from her. They've both had a bit of time to work on themselves.
The drawback is it has required a lot of expensive travel on his part to get to work, living away. He wants to add me as a surety to be closer to work and to her.
I feel he might really benefit from NA (or at the very least, joining this forum). He's dealt with a lot of her issues either alone, or with just me to talk and vent to. If I'm going to agree to be one of his sureties, I can insist that he come with me to try out NA. Even though she is doing really well in recovery, I want him to have better supports this time around dealing with all the ups and downs that will surely come. Joining a support group to help himself will also look good when he has to deal with his own charge in court.
So my questions, from someone who's never been to an NA meeting:
a) should we be in the same meeting, since we have an addict in common but we have two different relationships with her?
b) is it right that I'd make him go? he's open to the idea, but I have this vague fear that if its a room full of people telling him his relationship with her is doomed and he should detach and get out....it'll be on me for throwing a wrench into their attempt at rebuilding their lives.
I don't want to be trying to steer their relationship, but he needs other,knowledgeable people to talk to. I'm thrilled he's still here after all this time, and willing to give it all yet another chance, but I find it really hard listening to the awful things he's had to put up with over the years and all his fears and suspicions, because it weighs down on me and also makes it impossible for me to be neutral support to her. If that makes sense.
To make a long story short, my ASisters bf stood by her through a lot of her bad using periods, up to and including arrests for faking prescriptions. It really took a toll on him. Just as she was about to start her latest rehab she found out she was pregnant. I guess the stress of it all made him go out on a bender and come home in such a raging state the police had to come and haul him away.
That was a month or two ago. Since then he's had a charge hanging over his head and until its resolved he has to live elsewhere. As stressful as its been for the two of them she's kept up her treatments and doctors appointments pretty well, and he also seems to have benefited from the time apart from her. They've both had a bit of time to work on themselves.
The drawback is it has required a lot of expensive travel on his part to get to work, living away. He wants to add me as a surety to be closer to work and to her.
I feel he might really benefit from NA (or at the very least, joining this forum). He's dealt with a lot of her issues either alone, or with just me to talk and vent to. If I'm going to agree to be one of his sureties, I can insist that he come with me to try out NA. Even though she is doing really well in recovery, I want him to have better supports this time around dealing with all the ups and downs that will surely come. Joining a support group to help himself will also look good when he has to deal with his own charge in court.
So my questions, from someone who's never been to an NA meeting:
a) should we be in the same meeting, since we have an addict in common but we have two different relationships with her?
b) is it right that I'd make him go? he's open to the idea, but I have this vague fear that if its a room full of people telling him his relationship with her is doomed and he should detach and get out....it'll be on me for throwing a wrench into their attempt at rebuilding their lives.
I don't want to be trying to steer their relationship, but he needs other,knowledgeable people to talk to. I'm thrilled he's still here after all this time, and willing to give it all yet another chance, but I find it really hard listening to the awful things he's had to put up with over the years and all his fears and suspicions, because it weighs down on me and also makes it impossible for me to be neutral support to her. If that makes sense.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
My personal opinion???
STAY OUT OF IT!!!!!!!
Do not be a 'surety' for him. You might suggest (only if he asks) he try something for himself, an addiction counselor, Narcotics Anonymous (NA) or Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) if he feels he may be developing a substance problem, or NarAnon or AlAnon as one having a friend and/or family member that is addicted or alcoholic. Many attend AlAnon, only because usually there are many more meetings of AlAnon than NarAnon.
You have put yourself in a very precarious position, and it may be time to just start worrying about yourself. You really cannot help anyone but yourself.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
STAY OUT OF IT!!!!!!!
Do not be a 'surety' for him. You might suggest (only if he asks) he try something for himself, an addiction counselor, Narcotics Anonymous (NA) or Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) if he feels he may be developing a substance problem, or NarAnon or AlAnon as one having a friend and/or family member that is addicted or alcoholic. Many attend AlAnon, only because usually there are many more meetings of AlAnon than NarAnon.
You have put yourself in a very precarious position, and it may be time to just start worrying about yourself. You really cannot help anyone but yourself.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Brother.... I hear you wanting to help and I am sure your intentions are good, but I would say... suggest a meeting perhaps, but other than that, don't get involved. You need to take care of you. You can be a support, but no need to put your life and security on the line. Continue to be a friend, but that doesn't mean you have to "drive".... know what I mean? They are fortunate to have you in their lives... just love them and then let them....
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with the above, don't get yourself involved in what is not yours to fix.
They need to sort this out themselves, and as you know from reading here, nothing we do or don't do will fix them, only they can do that when they are ready.
My thoughts on being a surety are the same as posting bail...don't put your name, money, reputation on the line because it rarely turns out the way we hope it will. Promises mean nothing, actions speak for themselves. If either one is serious about getting clean, then let their actions show it.
One other small thing that is jumping out here at me...
Life is filled with stress but healthy people don't go use drugs or rage to the point of arrest. This tells me that he is out of control and might be dangerous.
Find meetings for you...Naranon, Alanon or CoDA are three wonderful programs that have helped many of us here. NA is for addicts although guests are welcome at some open meetings. Personally, I'd rather live in my solution than in their problem and I'll stick to meetings that help me.
My prayers go out for your family, and for you. It's no picnic living with a loved one's addiction.
Hugs
They need to sort this out themselves, and as you know from reading here, nothing we do or don't do will fix them, only they can do that when they are ready.
My thoughts on being a surety are the same as posting bail...don't put your name, money, reputation on the line because it rarely turns out the way we hope it will. Promises mean nothing, actions speak for themselves. If either one is serious about getting clean, then let their actions show it.
One other small thing that is jumping out here at me...
It really took a toll on him. Just as she was about to start her latest rehab she found out she was pregnant. I guess the stress of it all made him go out on a bender and come home in such a raging state the police had to come and haul him away.
Find meetings for you...Naranon, Alanon or CoDA are three wonderful programs that have helped many of us here. NA is for addicts although guests are welcome at some open meetings. Personally, I'd rather live in my solution than in their problem and I'll stick to meetings that help me.
My prayers go out for your family, and for you. It's no picnic living with a loved one's addiction.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
First of all NA (Narcotics Anonymous) is for the addict. what you/he need is NarAnon for the friends or family of Significant Others of the addict, and uses the principles of this forum.
Nar Anon meetings are sort of hard to find unless you are in or very near a big city. The alternative is AlAnon which is for friends/family/significant other of the Alcoholic. It's ok for us to attend that when NarAnon is not available, as the principles are the same.
I have been to both alanon and Naranon, and FA (families Anonymous - which is even harder to find meetings for) to deal with my AD , as well as NA (all the time) for my own disease of drug addiction. Do they help! YES!
Should/could you attend the same meeting of NarAnon? Sure you can. If you were to wind up finding that some sort of conflict of interest or worry about your anonymity being broken by him to your sister, then go to different meetings on different days. But try it first.
Nar Anon meetings are sort of hard to find unless you are in or very near a big city. The alternative is AlAnon which is for friends/family/significant other of the Alcoholic. It's ok for us to attend that when NarAnon is not available, as the principles are the same.
I have been to both alanon and Naranon, and FA (families Anonymous - which is even harder to find meetings for) to deal with my AD , as well as NA (all the time) for my own disease of drug addiction. Do they help! YES!
Should/could you attend the same meeting of NarAnon? Sure you can. If you were to wind up finding that some sort of conflict of interest or worry about your anonymity being broken by him to your sister, then go to different meetings on different days. But try it first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 64
Thanks for the replies. That's given me lots to think about.
Yes, I meant NarAnon.
I would never be a surety for her. At her last arrest I listened to what the terms of would be (and the money that would be at risk) and I said no.
In his case, I do trust him. He's been a huge force for good in her life, and he's taken a lot of steps to work on himself the last couple months while still providing for the two of them. Its a risk I know, but he'll have to continue to abide by the terms of his current surety with his mother (which he has been 100%) plus any terms I want to add. At the slightest hint this isn't working I can revoke it.
I guess my thinking is: he's been such a help to her and the family over the years, now that he's asking for help I'd like to see what I can do. I've got some time to think it over, anyway.
As for NarAnon..there is a family group here on Wed nights. Regardless of the surety business, I'd have probably asked him to come try it out with me anyway. I don't worry about him breaking anonymity. Its more that I find it tough on me to hear him tell all the details of how hard its been living with her. I try to keep my support for her down to listening to what she wants to tell me, and going with her to her rehab sessions. I've stopped trying to check on her all the time. But from him I get all the awful details. Its good we can talk so openly about her problems, but its a burden sometimes. I'd be glad if he had a support group to tell it to.
Yes, I meant NarAnon.
I would never be a surety for her. At her last arrest I listened to what the terms of would be (and the money that would be at risk) and I said no.
In his case, I do trust him. He's been a huge force for good in her life, and he's taken a lot of steps to work on himself the last couple months while still providing for the two of them. Its a risk I know, but he'll have to continue to abide by the terms of his current surety with his mother (which he has been 100%) plus any terms I want to add. At the slightest hint this isn't working I can revoke it.
I guess my thinking is: he's been such a help to her and the family over the years, now that he's asking for help I'd like to see what I can do. I've got some time to think it over, anyway.
As for NarAnon..there is a family group here on Wed nights. Regardless of the surety business, I'd have probably asked him to come try it out with me anyway. I don't worry about him breaking anonymity. Its more that I find it tough on me to hear him tell all the details of how hard its been living with her. I try to keep my support for her down to listening to what she wants to tell me, and going with her to her rehab sessions. I've stopped trying to check on her all the time. But from him I get all the awful details. Its good we can talk so openly about her problems, but its a burden sometimes. I'd be glad if he had a support group to tell it to.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by OhBrother 
So my questions, from someone who's never been to an NA meeting:
a) should we be in the same meeting, since we have an addict in common but we have two different relationships with her?
b) is it right that I'd make him go? he's open to the idea, but I have this vague fear that if its a room full of people telling him his relationship with her is doomed and he should detach and get out....it'll be on me for throwing a wrench into their attempt at rebuilding their lives.
a) should we be in the same meeting, since we have an addict in common but we have two different relationships with her?
b) is it right that I'd make him go? he's open to the idea, but I have this vague fear that if its a room full of people telling him his relationship with her is doomed and he should detach and get out....it'll be on me for throwing a wrench into their attempt at rebuilding their lives.
Courts make substance abusers go to meetings all the time. It's like throwing spaghetti at the wall -- if it's ready it will stick. When I suggested the bf go to meetings, it was with the knowledge detachment is a goal. Whether someone needs to leave a relationship or not is a personal exploration and, if others are staying on their side of the street, they will respect and encourage the exploration.
It won't ever be on you if they break up. You don't have that power.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
OhBrother,
Naranon/Alanon and NA/AA are awesome programs... but there is only one small catch. It only works if you work it.. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink..
It's ok for you both to go to the same meeting if it is alanon/naranon that you are attending.. but remember even if you are attending the same meeting, you each need to work your program seperatly
Like the others I would suggest a meeting but I would stop it at that... You can't force anyone to go anywhere or do anything... I will say this though, No one in that room is going to tell him that his relationship is doomed or that he needs to leave her.. In fact, the addict in will hardly ever be discussed... I have never heard anyone judge anyone else over staying or leaving a relationship. The focus is always on us and what we need to be doing to make our lives more manageable..
On a seperate note; sometimes I go to open AA meetings with my AH.. but only when he asks me to attend.. My AH and I work seperate programs and sometimes I feel that me attending with him hinders his ability to share in the meetings.. on the flip side though those meetings have helped me to learn about the disease on a much more personal level..
Naranon/Alanon and NA/AA are awesome programs... but there is only one small catch. It only works if you work it.. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink..
a) should we be in the same meeting, since we have an addict in common but we have two different relationships with her?
b) is it right that I'd make him go? he's open to the idea, but I have this vague fear that if its a room full of people telling him his relationship with her is doomed and he should detach and get out....it'll be on me for throwing a wrench into their attempt at rebuilding their lives.
On a seperate note; sometimes I go to open AA meetings with my AH.. but only when he asks me to attend.. My AH and I work seperate programs and sometimes I feel that me attending with him hinders his ability to share in the meetings.. on the flip side though those meetings have helped me to learn about the disease on a much more personal level..
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