Language of Letting Go - Dec. 20 -Expectations of Others
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - Dec. 20 -Expectations of Others
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Expectations of Others
It is our job to identify our needs, and then determine a balanced way of getting those needs met. We ultimately expect our Higher Power and the Universe - not one particular person - to be our source.
It is unreasonable to expect anyone to be able or willing to meet our every request. We are responsible for asking for what we want and need. It's the other person's responsibility to freely choose whether or not to respond to our request. If we try to coerce or force another to be there for us, that's controlling.
There's a difference between asking and demanding. We want love that is freely given.
It is unreasonable and unhealthy to expect one person to be the source for meeting all our needs. Ultimately, we will become angry and resentful, maybe even punishing, toward that person for not supporting us as we expected.
It is reasonable to have certain and well defined expectations of our spouse, children, and friends.
If a person cannot or will not be there for us, then we need to take responsibility for ourselves in that relationship. We may need to set a boundary, alter our expectations, or change the limits of the relationship to accommodate that person's unavailability. We do this for ourselves.
It is reasonable to sprinkle our wants and needs around and to be realistic about how much we ask or expect of any particular person. We can trust ourselves to know what's reasonable.
The issue of expectations goes back to knowing that we are responsible for identifying our needs, believing they deserve to get met, and discover an appropriate, satisfactory way to do that in our life.
Today, I will strive for reasonable expectations about getting my needs met in relationships.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Expectations of Others
It is our job to identify our needs, and then determine a balanced way of getting those needs met. We ultimately expect our Higher Power and the Universe - not one particular person - to be our source.
It is unreasonable to expect anyone to be able or willing to meet our every request. We are responsible for asking for what we want and need. It's the other person's responsibility to freely choose whether or not to respond to our request. If we try to coerce or force another to be there for us, that's controlling.
There's a difference between asking and demanding. We want love that is freely given.
It is unreasonable and unhealthy to expect one person to be the source for meeting all our needs. Ultimately, we will become angry and resentful, maybe even punishing, toward that person for not supporting us as we expected.
It is reasonable to have certain and well defined expectations of our spouse, children, and friends.
If a person cannot or will not be there for us, then we need to take responsibility for ourselves in that relationship. We may need to set a boundary, alter our expectations, or change the limits of the relationship to accommodate that person's unavailability. We do this for ourselves.
It is reasonable to sprinkle our wants and needs around and to be realistic about how much we ask or expect of any particular person. We can trust ourselves to know what's reasonable.
The issue of expectations goes back to knowing that we are responsible for identifying our needs, believing they deserve to get met, and discover an appropriate, satisfactory way to do that in our life.
Today, I will strive for reasonable expectations about getting my needs met in relationships.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If a person cannot or will not be there for us, then we need to take responsibility for ourselves in that relationship. We may need to set a boundary, alter our expectations, or change the limits of the relationship to accommodate that person's unavailability. We do this for ourselves.
Today the friends I have are treasures, and some friends from the past have moved on. That's all okay, they change, I change and life moves forward.
Hugs
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Originally Posted by Ann 
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Expectations of Others
It is reasonable to have certain and well defined expectations of our spouse, children, and friends.
If a person cannot or will not be there for us, then we need to take responsibility for ourselves in that relationship. We may need to set a boundary, alter our expectations, or change the limits of the relationship to accommodate that person's unavailability. We do this for ourselves.
The issue of expectations goes back to knowing that we are responsible for identifying our needs, believing they deserve to get met, and discover an appropriate, satisfactory way to do that in our life.
Today, I will strive for reasonable expectations about getting my needs met in relationships.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Expectations of Others
It is reasonable to have certain and well defined expectations of our spouse, children, and friends.
If a person cannot or will not be there for us, then we need to take responsibility for ourselves in that relationship. We may need to set a boundary, alter our expectations, or change the limits of the relationship to accommodate that person's unavailability. We do this for ourselves.
The issue of expectations goes back to knowing that we are responsible for identifying our needs, believing they deserve to get met, and discover an appropriate, satisfactory way to do that in our life.
Today, I will strive for reasonable expectations about getting my needs met in relationships.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
It is reasonable to expect an adult child to answer a phone, acknowledge a holiday, appreciate a favor. Unfortunately, mine is unable to meet these expectations for WHATEVER reason. If I am responsible to meet this need for myself, I am at a loss as to how. This must be why I keep wishing lately that I had more than one child, so that one of them have been able to be normal around the holidays. Some needs can not be met by oneself, nor by anyone else other than my kid, if my need is to have my kid in my life at this holiday.
So, OK, I will go with an unmet need. Unmet needs are not fun, but I will survive. I will strive to not set myself up ever again to expect these things from my adult addict child (reasonable expectation or not). Just because she was able to meet this expectation last year at this time of year (using then, as now), does not mean she can meet this expectation or fill this need this year.
Thanks, Ann, for letting me reason this out courtesy of your thread
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 16
I read this and gasped, because even though I left my AH years ago and divorced him and my Amother has passed away, I still have problems with this. I CHOOSE not to let my boyfriend of 3 years do anything to to take care of me, I CHOOSE never to ask. I CHOOSE not ask my children to do chores or pick up after themselves. I still CHOOSE to do everything myself and for myself so that never again do I have to be dependant on anyone or feel let down because they didn't or couldn't meet my needs. It was definately a lightbulb moment. It just hit me: what I thought was strength is really fear, fear that I'm not good enough to help or do special things for. WOW!!! I need to get back into my codependent books and read!!!!
~SKI
~SKI
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