How many more relapses?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 55
How many more relapses?
When does it stop? Relapses?....How many? I want to leave my recovering drug addict partner. Been together for 3 ½ years. I was completely naïve to think when he first met that he could stop drugs in a instance. By golly did I learn the hard way! He had a 10 year history of crack and heroin addiction, had been in rehab 8times. When we met, we fell madly in love, soulmates, best friends…..we still are.
After our first month together he checked into a rehab for a month. He was petrified I wouldn’t wait for him. Back home, he lasted 3weeks before he relapsed. The next year was a hellish ride…with several bouts in rehab. 2 years on from when we met…..he had been clean 6months (with a naltrexone implant) & then went on a 10day crack binge….right before my exams…I’m at medical school.
I couldn’t take it no more so moved out, took every trace of me from our beautiful home and totally ignored him for 2months.
Letters, voicemails, flowers, gifts flooded in every day for those 2 months. I missed him dreadfully but managed to last 2months no contact. Straight after his crack & H binge, he went and got another implant, he did many things & tried soo hard to show how he had changed.
We then started seeing each other, just at weekends…then abit more and then moved back together. We have moved 7 times in 3 ½ years to different parts. All this time I have managed to commute to med school and pass exams..just! I have lost very close friends as they do not agree with my bf. It has been a battle with my family as they hate seeing what the relapses do to us and think bf is very selfish.
Soo the last almost 2 years have been calm…perfect, great. There was a wee blip about 8months ago but he knocked it on the head straight away….& went and got another implant.
Then 4weeks ago….(we moved to this new home, 5 ½ months ago, spent last 3+ months making it ours….land, animals etc…)
CHAOS struck! Everything is out of control….have my mock final medical exams next week….we haven’t slept properly in a couple of weeks. I’m sure you all know the emotional rollercoaster partners of addicts go through….
The promises to be back by teatime and then turn up at 5am!....It’s like everything STOPS whilst the relapse happens….and I mean everything….This last week the bf has tried several detox’s, even went away for a couple of days. He’s starting subutex detox tomorrow at home. I have spent soo many times going through detox with the bf.
We seem to learn something new everytime we go through a relapse. We have no lies anymore…He hates lying to me…so he tells me everything now, usage etc, how he can’t control the cravings, if he needs to go get sorted etc. We try to work together instead of fight through the relapses.
But how much support can you give? Before you become soo drained by it all? The worrying never lessens during a relapse….in fact it gets worse. I only left 2 years ago as began to have panic attacks. They are returning. After all the anger, resentment, then the support you give, trying to understand what is happening and then just drained emotions setting in…where you just want things to return to normal….you are too tired to fight it.
I know bf doesn’t want to be a drug addict. He loves his life clean. He has tried every sort of therapy you can imagine. He refuses the 12steps, NA meetings etc. He tried them and hated them. The implants create distance between him and drugs….however when the seed is planted in his head and he doesn’t have an implant…he has no mechanism in place to fight the temptation…and he’s off…. away to score.
I know he will never be able to abstain until he sorts this part of it out…being able to use some tools to be able to fight that initial thought of using….he says they thoughts are getting rarer….I agree with this…but my support for him is waning.
After I graduate, we were planning a family…..I know this cannot be now as his relapses are soo unpredictable….. I’ve told him I need to leave whilst I still totally love him. I am scared this relapse has pushed me over the edge of fighting this battle with his drug addiction…I’m beginning to feel resentful/bitter that he is ruining our life together, our plans of a family etc.
I would rather leave loving him and perhaps rekindle things in the future?
I do not know what to do. I want to leave, so I can get through my next year at uni without all this hassle…but I LOVE him with every cell in my body…. I tried to leave him before but only lasted 2months.
I know many people are in this position…or even harder position if they are married or have children.
I know he is continuing to push for recovery. I know he will do it one day…but there are probably a few relapses still to endure….I know I can’t endure these anymore.
It may look simple…just to leave but I don’t want him to think I am abandoning him, or giving up on him…he lives for me when he is clean.
I have told him I will move out in the new year for a while to think about things. The mere thought of moving again makes me feel even more drained!!
He understands, but what he doesn’t realise is the bitterness and resent that is creeping into my heart by these relapses….how dare they ruin our beautiful life? He thinks we will always be together as I have always come back in the past…but I feel I am getting to that point where to much happens and then you can’t go back….its very sad.
Thank you for reading this, any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have read many of these forums and the general consensus for partners of addicts…is run!
If only it were that easy!
After our first month together he checked into a rehab for a month. He was petrified I wouldn’t wait for him. Back home, he lasted 3weeks before he relapsed. The next year was a hellish ride…with several bouts in rehab. 2 years on from when we met…..he had been clean 6months (with a naltrexone implant) & then went on a 10day crack binge….right before my exams…I’m at medical school.
I couldn’t take it no more so moved out, took every trace of me from our beautiful home and totally ignored him for 2months.
Letters, voicemails, flowers, gifts flooded in every day for those 2 months. I missed him dreadfully but managed to last 2months no contact. Straight after his crack & H binge, he went and got another implant, he did many things & tried soo hard to show how he had changed.
We then started seeing each other, just at weekends…then abit more and then moved back together. We have moved 7 times in 3 ½ years to different parts. All this time I have managed to commute to med school and pass exams..just! I have lost very close friends as they do not agree with my bf. It has been a battle with my family as they hate seeing what the relapses do to us and think bf is very selfish.
Soo the last almost 2 years have been calm…perfect, great. There was a wee blip about 8months ago but he knocked it on the head straight away….& went and got another implant.
Then 4weeks ago….(we moved to this new home, 5 ½ months ago, spent last 3+ months making it ours….land, animals etc…)
CHAOS struck! Everything is out of control….have my mock final medical exams next week….we haven’t slept properly in a couple of weeks. I’m sure you all know the emotional rollercoaster partners of addicts go through….
The promises to be back by teatime and then turn up at 5am!....It’s like everything STOPS whilst the relapse happens….and I mean everything….This last week the bf has tried several detox’s, even went away for a couple of days. He’s starting subutex detox tomorrow at home. I have spent soo many times going through detox with the bf.
We seem to learn something new everytime we go through a relapse. We have no lies anymore…He hates lying to me…so he tells me everything now, usage etc, how he can’t control the cravings, if he needs to go get sorted etc. We try to work together instead of fight through the relapses.
But how much support can you give? Before you become soo drained by it all? The worrying never lessens during a relapse….in fact it gets worse. I only left 2 years ago as began to have panic attacks. They are returning. After all the anger, resentment, then the support you give, trying to understand what is happening and then just drained emotions setting in…where you just want things to return to normal….you are too tired to fight it.
I know bf doesn’t want to be a drug addict. He loves his life clean. He has tried every sort of therapy you can imagine. He refuses the 12steps, NA meetings etc. He tried them and hated them. The implants create distance between him and drugs….however when the seed is planted in his head and he doesn’t have an implant…he has no mechanism in place to fight the temptation…and he’s off…. away to score.
I know he will never be able to abstain until he sorts this part of it out…being able to use some tools to be able to fight that initial thought of using….he says they thoughts are getting rarer….I agree with this…but my support for him is waning.
After I graduate, we were planning a family…..I know this cannot be now as his relapses are soo unpredictable….. I’ve told him I need to leave whilst I still totally love him. I am scared this relapse has pushed me over the edge of fighting this battle with his drug addiction…I’m beginning to feel resentful/bitter that he is ruining our life together, our plans of a family etc.
I would rather leave loving him and perhaps rekindle things in the future?
I do not know what to do. I want to leave, so I can get through my next year at uni without all this hassle…but I LOVE him with every cell in my body…. I tried to leave him before but only lasted 2months.
I know many people are in this position…or even harder position if they are married or have children.
I know he is continuing to push for recovery. I know he will do it one day…but there are probably a few relapses still to endure….I know I can’t endure these anymore.
It may look simple…just to leave but I don’t want him to think I am abandoning him, or giving up on him…he lives for me when he is clean.
I have told him I will move out in the new year for a while to think about things. The mere thought of moving again makes me feel even more drained!!
He understands, but what he doesn’t realise is the bitterness and resent that is creeping into my heart by these relapses….how dare they ruin our beautiful life? He thinks we will always be together as I have always come back in the past…but I feel I am getting to that point where to much happens and then you can’t go back….its very sad.
Thank you for reading this, any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have read many of these forums and the general consensus for partners of addicts…is run!
If only it were that easy!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SoberRecovery, Sophia. Take a read around and you will see that you 're not alone here, many have been where you are.
Sadly, if love could stop them not one of us would be here. We all love our addicts but have found that no matter what we do or don't do, no matter how much we plead, beg, cry, try to manipulate and no matter how much they have to lose...the only person who can change them is themselves and they won't until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.
But we can help ourselves. Many of us have found 12-step programs like Naranon, Alanon or CoDA lifesavers, I know I have. They helped save me from the insanity of codependency and helped me regain my balance and my life.
The addict in my life is my son, but others will be along who are or have been in a relationship with an active addict, and they will welcome you too.
Make yourself at home and know you are among friends here.
Hugs
Sadly, if love could stop them not one of us would be here. We all love our addicts but have found that no matter what we do or don't do, no matter how much we plead, beg, cry, try to manipulate and no matter how much they have to lose...the only person who can change them is themselves and they won't until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.
But we can help ourselves. Many of us have found 12-step programs like Naranon, Alanon or CoDA lifesavers, I know I have. They helped save me from the insanity of codependency and helped me regain my balance and my life.
The addict in my life is my son, but others will be along who are or have been in a relationship with an active addict, and they will welcome you too.
Make yourself at home and know you are among friends here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
When I finally ceased to fight, to accept that I was not Super woman, that I could no longer be intertwined with an addict, my life began to change.
You mentioned other options he completely refuses to look at in the way of recovery.
I have found that sometimes an addict will be eventually beaten into becoming openminded, or they die.
My addict was buried last year at the age of 47. He wasn't interested in recovery.
I too was an addict and went to rehab when I left my addict. I was beaten into submission by my own addiction, and embraced what was offered to me.
I refused to address my codependency issues, and after 4 years clean/sober, I went right down the tubes with a boyfriend who had been in recovery and relapsed. I was very lucky to make it back into recovery.
He's still using and that was over 18 years ago. He turned around and married an active addict.
I'm clean/sober over 18 years now. I am enrolled in college full-time, and working toward a double degree. I have no significant other, and I am fine with that. My life is full and rich. Today I refuse to lower my bar of standards, which is what I did for so many years in my relationships. Today I deserve more, and that is just what I am giving myself.
You mentioned other options he completely refuses to look at in the way of recovery.
I have found that sometimes an addict will be eventually beaten into becoming openminded, or they die.
My addict was buried last year at the age of 47. He wasn't interested in recovery.
I too was an addict and went to rehab when I left my addict. I was beaten into submission by my own addiction, and embraced what was offered to me.
I refused to address my codependency issues, and after 4 years clean/sober, I went right down the tubes with a boyfriend who had been in recovery and relapsed. I was very lucky to make it back into recovery.
He's still using and that was over 18 years ago. He turned around and married an active addict.
I'm clean/sober over 18 years now. I am enrolled in college full-time, and working toward a double degree. I have no significant other, and I am fine with that. My life is full and rich. Today I refuse to lower my bar of standards, which is what I did for so many years in my relationships. Today I deserve more, and that is just what I am giving myself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Your panic attacks may be your deep intuition telling you that you are in an emergency situation in your life and that you must make drastic changes right away.
I think more experienced people on the board will have excellent advice. But what I thought right away is that your bf cannot stay clean even when things are "calm" "perfect" "land" "animals" and a loving, devoted partner. If he cannot stay clean in bliss, then real life is going to be--and is now--a cyclone of pain for you.
My feeling is that an addict needs distance from a partner in order to get his roots into recovery. I think addicts want to be nurtured...by drugs, by caretaking partners....so they don't have to grow up. He is curling himself into you when he is not curling himself into crack.
He needs to find his own backbone, his own manhood, and his own spiritual life....apart from you. Distance would be my advice. At least a year apart, with minimal communication.
I know that sounds terrible to a woman so deeply in love, with every cell of her being. But I don't think either of you will be able to grow up for the other. You will both have to do it, and my guess is that you will neither achieve it while you are melting into each other between the descents into hell.
You don't have to separate with a final goodbye. But a separation, I think, is what you are considering and I would agree with your instinct. And I hope, truly hope, so much, that he hits a wall that nearly kills him but doesn't, that he finds a real recovery, and that you do eventually make a life together. All the very best to you.
I think more experienced people on the board will have excellent advice. But what I thought right away is that your bf cannot stay clean even when things are "calm" "perfect" "land" "animals" and a loving, devoted partner. If he cannot stay clean in bliss, then real life is going to be--and is now--a cyclone of pain for you.
My feeling is that an addict needs distance from a partner in order to get his roots into recovery. I think addicts want to be nurtured...by drugs, by caretaking partners....so they don't have to grow up. He is curling himself into you when he is not curling himself into crack.
He needs to find his own backbone, his own manhood, and his own spiritual life....apart from you. Distance would be my advice. At least a year apart, with minimal communication.
I know that sounds terrible to a woman so deeply in love, with every cell of her being. But I don't think either of you will be able to grow up for the other. You will both have to do it, and my guess is that you will neither achieve it while you are melting into each other between the descents into hell.
You don't have to separate with a final goodbye. But a separation, I think, is what you are considering and I would agree with your instinct. And I hope, truly hope, so much, that he hits a wall that nearly kills him but doesn't, that he finds a real recovery, and that you do eventually make a life together. All the very best to you.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
The relapses stop when he is truly working a program every single day... even then there is that small chance that he will slip but if he is working a program then he will be strong enough to climb back on the horse if that time ever comes..
Medications may help stop the cravings and may help stop the addict from using for awhile but the addict must want to get clean.. the addict must actively work each and every day on changing his or her life and staying sober...
I know that you love him with every cell in your body but as Ann stated, love alone will not make them clean... You will not make him clean... He has to make the choice to be clean... Look at his actions and not what he is saying...
Medications may help stop the cravings and may help stop the addict from using for awhile but the addict must want to get clean.. the addict must actively work each and every day on changing his or her life and staying sober...
I know that you love him with every cell in your body but as Ann stated, love alone will not make them clean... You will not make him clean... He has to make the choice to be clean... Look at his actions and not what he is saying...
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 55
Thank you soo much for your messages of advice. I know it is right to leave at this time and make sure it is for at least a year.
I know I am hindering my bf recovery.
Jerect and anvillhead are totally right in that he always goes for the quick rehab fix and my bf needs to put in the hard work of sticking to some kind of program. I know and I think he is actually beginning to realise that in order to be clean for good, it is going to be one long long haul. He knows he is going to have to stay off all drugs including weed/pot.
I have copied out your advice and am re-reading them- to help me leave and let him get on with recovery.
I have told him to take as long as he needs to accept himself and begin to love himself before he asks some else back into his life.
I totally agree with you bluejay6 on finding himself.
He says he will spend the next year fighting to show me that he is the man that I can trust and so we can get back together etc. I have told him to forget about 'us' and concentrate on himself and to lay his 'demons' to rest...he has many issues from his childhood.
Its going to be hard esp leaving our 6dogs-they are like our babies. I am hoping to take half of them with me for company!
Thank you soo much, I think this website is great and full of wonderful people. I am ready to leave him now and hopefully bf will start a new chapter in life!
Peace
Sophia
I know I am hindering my bf recovery.
Jerect and anvillhead are totally right in that he always goes for the quick rehab fix and my bf needs to put in the hard work of sticking to some kind of program. I know and I think he is actually beginning to realise that in order to be clean for good, it is going to be one long long haul. He knows he is going to have to stay off all drugs including weed/pot.
I have copied out your advice and am re-reading them- to help me leave and let him get on with recovery.
I have told him to take as long as he needs to accept himself and begin to love himself before he asks some else back into his life.
I totally agree with you bluejay6 on finding himself.
He says he will spend the next year fighting to show me that he is the man that I can trust and so we can get back together etc. I have told him to forget about 'us' and concentrate on himself and to lay his 'demons' to rest...he has many issues from his childhood.
Its going to be hard esp leaving our 6dogs-they are like our babies. I am hoping to take half of them with me for company!
Thank you soo much, I think this website is great and full of wonderful people. I am ready to leave him now and hopefully bf will start a new chapter in life!
Peace
Sophia
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
You have to take care of you, no matter what refuse to be involved in his relapses, his detoxes, any of it. Fight hard not to let it effect you. DOnt let yourself lose sleep over what hes doing or not doing and you'll know what moves to make and when
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