First visit to abf
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
First visit to abf
Abf got a pass from his sober house in Florida and we both met in Fort Lauderdale and spent the weekend together.
It went well but, I think now I really am beginning to see that for the addict AND for us adjusting to life in recovery is challenging.
I still put up a wall- there is a part of me that is still resentful and bitter. It is understandable that I still have little trust and am constantly fighting with myself to LET GO and stop trying to control the outcome of things. I tried to relax and just enjoy his company, but I kept feeling the resistance. Our relationship was of such value to the both of us because we DID experience such a deep connection- he was my best friend and my boyfriend. That connection was formed over time, deepened and sustained by trust which is something that has been lost.
I see him wrestling with his emotions. Interestingly enough the reason I fell in love with him was because he was emotional. He was sensitive and we connected on a level of mutual complexity and emotional intelligence. The trouble is that I accept this about myself, yet beat myself up about it. He also denies this acutely sensitive part of himself which is the obvious reason for the drug use, but is also something that seems to fuel alot of my insecurities. I think he has trouble expressing his feelings without losing it. I also guess that an addict new to recovery is going through alot of growing pains because they are living life in a world, sober.
I'm having a hard time with this. He feels secure in our relationship- why wouldn't he? I have stood by him through this spiraling into hell and out of control. On the other hand, I interpreted his addiction as abandoning and leaving me. I KNOW now that it is not something I can continue to take personally- it only builds resentment and is horrific codie behavior.
Needless to say, today feels hard.
I was choking out sobs last night when he said goodbye. I tried to explain that it's difficult saying goodbye- I have no idea whether or not we will ever share a life together again. That it's hard for me being back in Philadelphia. That I'm trying to take baby steps, but it sucks and it is emotionally painful. He is in a recovery house- transplanted into a new place where he is starting a new beginning. I, on the other hand, need to find a way to fill in the gaps or move past the sadness that exists in so much of my everyday life that use to be shared with him, at one time. I then try to remind myself of the hell and the panic and the anxiety when things got out of control. On the trip we had a discussion about how long the addiction was going on- which was longer than I had thought- and as I write this it saddens me to question if the man I fell in love with IS really who abf is.
I am trying to be as selfless about this as possible and not take it personally, the fact that he is having difficulty expression his emotions. I also must remember that these mood swings he is having are NOT about me. And day by day, minute by minute it seems I need to keep letting go- giving up my need to make things better, to forsee the future- the worrying. Even when I think I'm not trying to control, I'm still doing something - trying to get a reaction out of him.
And when you have to face the fact that letting go and acceptance means that he MAY resort to using again instead of facing life head on and committing to recovery, it's painful and scary.
I guess we are experiencing very different things and those individual challenges are something we both have to do on our own. The reality is that I can't control how he embraces his challenge, whether or not he chooses to continue in recovery. This means keeping my nose out of his business- after all, he was doing fine in rehab and we barely spoke the entire 30 days he was there.
So thank you all for listening. This acceptance of the uncontrollables is what ultimately makes me feel slight freedom, but at the same time terrifies me. I will continue working on pumping up my inner champion so that I can regain some trust with myself.
It went well but, I think now I really am beginning to see that for the addict AND for us adjusting to life in recovery is challenging.
I still put up a wall- there is a part of me that is still resentful and bitter. It is understandable that I still have little trust and am constantly fighting with myself to LET GO and stop trying to control the outcome of things. I tried to relax and just enjoy his company, but I kept feeling the resistance. Our relationship was of such value to the both of us because we DID experience such a deep connection- he was my best friend and my boyfriend. That connection was formed over time, deepened and sustained by trust which is something that has been lost.
I see him wrestling with his emotions. Interestingly enough the reason I fell in love with him was because he was emotional. He was sensitive and we connected on a level of mutual complexity and emotional intelligence. The trouble is that I accept this about myself, yet beat myself up about it. He also denies this acutely sensitive part of himself which is the obvious reason for the drug use, but is also something that seems to fuel alot of my insecurities. I think he has trouble expressing his feelings without losing it. I also guess that an addict new to recovery is going through alot of growing pains because they are living life in a world, sober.
I'm having a hard time with this. He feels secure in our relationship- why wouldn't he? I have stood by him through this spiraling into hell and out of control. On the other hand, I interpreted his addiction as abandoning and leaving me. I KNOW now that it is not something I can continue to take personally- it only builds resentment and is horrific codie behavior.
Needless to say, today feels hard.
I was choking out sobs last night when he said goodbye. I tried to explain that it's difficult saying goodbye- I have no idea whether or not we will ever share a life together again. That it's hard for me being back in Philadelphia. That I'm trying to take baby steps, but it sucks and it is emotionally painful. He is in a recovery house- transplanted into a new place where he is starting a new beginning. I, on the other hand, need to find a way to fill in the gaps or move past the sadness that exists in so much of my everyday life that use to be shared with him, at one time. I then try to remind myself of the hell and the panic and the anxiety when things got out of control. On the trip we had a discussion about how long the addiction was going on- which was longer than I had thought- and as I write this it saddens me to question if the man I fell in love with IS really who abf is.
I am trying to be as selfless about this as possible and not take it personally, the fact that he is having difficulty expression his emotions. I also must remember that these mood swings he is having are NOT about me. And day by day, minute by minute it seems I need to keep letting go- giving up my need to make things better, to forsee the future- the worrying. Even when I think I'm not trying to control, I'm still doing something - trying to get a reaction out of him.
And when you have to face the fact that letting go and acceptance means that he MAY resort to using again instead of facing life head on and committing to recovery, it's painful and scary.
I guess we are experiencing very different things and those individual challenges are something we both have to do on our own. The reality is that I can't control how he embraces his challenge, whether or not he chooses to continue in recovery. This means keeping my nose out of his business- after all, he was doing fine in rehab and we barely spoke the entire 30 days he was there.
So thank you all for listening. This acceptance of the uncontrollables is what ultimately makes me feel slight freedom, but at the same time terrifies me. I will continue working on pumping up my inner champion so that I can regain some trust with myself.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
((Heather))
Believe it or not sweetie, you sound really good........much better than when you first got here and I can honestly say I'm very proud of you.
Letting go of trying to control everything was the hardest part for me too. I think it is for everyone. I still tend to have some trouble in this area in my everyday life, but I can now catch myself trying to control a situation and it's at that point I make ever effort to let go and focus on something else.
I see you making great strides and it puts a smile on my face.
I know you're still hurting. Who wouldn't be? Be patient with yourself. You're doing just fine. Big hugs for you!!
Believe it or not sweetie, you sound really good........much better than when you first got here and I can honestly say I'm very proud of you.
Letting go of trying to control everything was the hardest part for me too. I think it is for everyone. I still tend to have some trouble in this area in my everyday life, but I can now catch myself trying to control a situation and it's at that point I make ever effort to let go and focus on something else.
I see you making great strides and it puts a smile on my face.
I know you're still hurting. Who wouldn't be? Be patient with yourself. You're doing just fine. Big hugs for you!!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
You do sound good Heather and that's great considering you just got back. I know it can be sad and emotionally draining. Keep drawing that circle around yourself...the invisible hoola hoop and ask yourself is this mine to deal with or is it outside the hoola hoop? That visualization helped me to learn to gradually stop trying to control that which was not mine to control. Hugs
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Heather you are making progress. Good for you. Keep keeping on. You're headed in the right direction. Recovery is a process, an evolution if you will that takes time. It's a gradual development.
Be patient and kind with yourself.
Hugs
Be patient and kind with yourself.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I am beginning to see that I've been so far into denial about how OUT of my life I was and how INTO his life I had become. Being gentle with myself while I get back to some sort of center with me as the nucleus and not him- is going to be tough, a fight even.
I think I was sort of saddened and also taken aback by how resistant I was to enjoying his company or allowing things to return to that connection again. I think that it still does not feel safe. A part of me knows this- another part, the wounded child part- seems to keep grasping for his attention and affection and his verbal validation that "Everything will be okay."
As greeteachday mentioned- perpetually applying the hoola hoop analogy is something I need to begin to work on. I am beginning to acknowledge more and more how I am being draining on him and focusing on him in attempts to get him to meet my needs for security, because I've completely lost my own inner compass and it is by far an easier task to focus and obsess about the addict than to see how unmanageable our lives have become and to take responsibility for how WE heal.
My tactics for keeping the focus off myself and the work I need to do because it has become so overwhelming seem to only serve to push me deeper into the morass of codependency.
I hope that you can all tell me that when we put the focus back on ourselves, no matter how uncomfortable and even painful it will be- it WILL get better and if we keep pushing forward we can break through to a place where we are okay. In my experience, everytime I've retained the focus on myself I've only zoomed in on feelings of abandonment, rejection and defectiveness. Shifting the light to another area where I retrain my brain continues to prove to be challenging.
And so today I find myself- feeling the inevitable and excruciating tug of war- between my codependency and my need to break way from this focus on another person and just LET IT GO because I HAVE no control. The illusion of control is like a mirage in the desert, I continually revert back to it because it FEELS and SEEMS right. BUT I know it lies. I get frustrated at myself that I need to keep repeating the SAME mistakes over and over again and instead of learning, I often weakly give into the fear portion of me and resist the change.
In Lang of Letting go there is a passage on Panic that describes how the author was told by her son that if she flails about and panics when she feels herself drowning she will not be able to grab onto the life raft that will save her and that if she just stands still she will have more control over the force itself.
I exist in panic most days- repeating the same reactions and continuing to feel like absolute crap. It definiely abated to some extent for awhile when I first read Codep No More- I was amazed at the fact that I had a CHOICE of how to react. Then the reactions became so much more fear based and automatic that it became out of control again.
I am beginning to see that when i feel myself reacting in the panic of "What if" and worst case scenerio and taking everything personally as though it reveals rejection of myself- I need to pull the reins. I do not know if I am ready yet to take the observers perspective and try to dispell the myths. I'm trying one step at a time.
If you are hell bent on perpetuating your self-pity and self-hate, you will- you will find ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to reject yourself about. A recurring struggle for me- most specifically, recently, I've been feeling like a selfish little child. I often find resentment bubbling up inside of me because HE is in Florida living with roommates in a place that is not filled with our memories or routines.
I think I was sort of saddened and also taken aback by how resistant I was to enjoying his company or allowing things to return to that connection again. I think that it still does not feel safe. A part of me knows this- another part, the wounded child part- seems to keep grasping for his attention and affection and his verbal validation that "Everything will be okay."
As greeteachday mentioned- perpetually applying the hoola hoop analogy is something I need to begin to work on. I am beginning to acknowledge more and more how I am being draining on him and focusing on him in attempts to get him to meet my needs for security, because I've completely lost my own inner compass and it is by far an easier task to focus and obsess about the addict than to see how unmanageable our lives have become and to take responsibility for how WE heal.
My tactics for keeping the focus off myself and the work I need to do because it has become so overwhelming seem to only serve to push me deeper into the morass of codependency.
I hope that you can all tell me that when we put the focus back on ourselves, no matter how uncomfortable and even painful it will be- it WILL get better and if we keep pushing forward we can break through to a place where we are okay. In my experience, everytime I've retained the focus on myself I've only zoomed in on feelings of abandonment, rejection and defectiveness. Shifting the light to another area where I retrain my brain continues to prove to be challenging.
And so today I find myself- feeling the inevitable and excruciating tug of war- between my codependency and my need to break way from this focus on another person and just LET IT GO because I HAVE no control. The illusion of control is like a mirage in the desert, I continually revert back to it because it FEELS and SEEMS right. BUT I know it lies. I get frustrated at myself that I need to keep repeating the SAME mistakes over and over again and instead of learning, I often weakly give into the fear portion of me and resist the change.
In Lang of Letting go there is a passage on Panic that describes how the author was told by her son that if she flails about and panics when she feels herself drowning she will not be able to grab onto the life raft that will save her and that if she just stands still she will have more control over the force itself.
I exist in panic most days- repeating the same reactions and continuing to feel like absolute crap. It definiely abated to some extent for awhile when I first read Codep No More- I was amazed at the fact that I had a CHOICE of how to react. Then the reactions became so much more fear based and automatic that it became out of control again.
I am beginning to see that when i feel myself reacting in the panic of "What if" and worst case scenerio and taking everything personally as though it reveals rejection of myself- I need to pull the reins. I do not know if I am ready yet to take the observers perspective and try to dispell the myths. I'm trying one step at a time.
If you are hell bent on perpetuating your self-pity and self-hate, you will- you will find ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to reject yourself about. A recurring struggle for me- most specifically, recently, I've been feeling like a selfish little child. I often find resentment bubbling up inside of me because HE is in Florida living with roommates in a place that is not filled with our memories or routines.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Loves is right. You are sounding more and more like you are growing in your recovery. It's a life long discovery of ourselves. Some folks get stuck in the same place and stay in that place for years without breaking out of it. You are going on ahead to a place where you are able to see and deal with things.
Good for you.
Good for you.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Originally Posted by HKAngel24 
I hope that you can all tell me that when we put the focus back on ourselves, no matter how uncomfortable and even painful it will be- it WILL get better and if we keep pushing forward we can break through to a place where we are okay.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 6
I felt left behind where the memories and routines still exist when my bf left for rehab too. The only thing that has made me feel better is to look at my life and ask my self where it is going with out thinking of him. I went to stay with my sister and now im at home. Starting something new in my life with a clear direction of where I am going has really helped me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
