Need Strength for Meeting with Son tomorrow
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Need Strength for Meeting with Son tomorrow
Tomorrow morning I have a meeting with my son and his therapist in jail. Its been almost a month since i last spoke to him and told him that i wouldnt be having contact during this incarceration. His birthday is also tomorrow and his court date is next week where they decide what will happen to him. I know that he is finally scared about what is going to happen but i have to stay strong tomorrow and stick with my rules both for him and for myself.
I don’t want to take a step back
I do want to be strong for my rights as a person
I don’t want to give him any answers or advice
I do want him to know I love him and believe in his abilities
I don’t want to get my hopes up
I do want to keep hoping
I don’t want him to see through me
I do want to see him
I want to be:
Calm but not cold
Supportive but not Gullible
Quiet only there to listen
His Mom not his Rescuer
I need to be a rock tomorrow. I can use any advice on how to keep my head straight during this meeting and not fall into the old traps.
I don’t want to take a step back
I do want to be strong for my rights as a person
I don’t want to give him any answers or advice
I do want him to know I love him and believe in his abilities
I don’t want to get my hopes up
I do want to keep hoping
I don’t want him to see through me
I do want to see him
I want to be:
Calm but not cold
Supportive but not Gullible
Quiet only there to listen
His Mom not his Rescuer
I need to be a rock tomorrow. I can use any advice on how to keep my head straight during this meeting and not fall into the old traps.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
((winnie))
No wise words of wisdom from me, just a thanks for this post coming at a time when I am struggling to put no contact between my 28 yr old son & myself. My son is out in the world wrecking havoc every where he goes (IMO) and I so want to no longer be a part of it.
Prayers that you will be a strong as you want and need to be.
Joan
No wise words of wisdom from me, just a thanks for this post coming at a time when I am struggling to put no contact between my 28 yr old son & myself. My son is out in the world wrecking havoc every where he goes (IMO) and I so want to no longer be a part of it.
Prayers that you will be a strong as you want and need to be.
Joan
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Winnie,
Hugs to you. You sure look like you have thought about how you want to come across, and I'm betting you'll do fine.
Like freedom said, it's not ours to control, anyway.
I know your H.P. will be right beside you tomorrow to give you strength and hope and compassion when you need it.
Hugs....
Hugs to you. You sure look like you have thought about how you want to come across, and I'm betting you'll do fine.
Like freedom said, it's not ours to control, anyway.
I know your H.P. will be right beside you tomorrow to give you strength and hope and compassion when you need it.
Hugs....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
Winnie, you've thought about this quite a bit and you wrote down what you need to do. That is very impressive.
Don't forget this when emotions come crashing in on you. (of course easier said than done).
Prayers and Energy being sent to you. I hope the day has a positive outcome.
Don't forget this when emotions come crashing in on you. (of course easier said than done).
Prayers and Energy being sent to you. I hope the day has a positive outcome.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Winnie)))
No great advice, but sending lots of hugs and prayers. Maybe imagine that, not only is God going to be there with you, but so are we? When I face something tough, I just take my SR family along with me.
I like what Freedom and Marle both said...just keep repeating what they said, and you'll do just fine.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
No great advice, but sending lots of hugs and prayers. Maybe imagine that, not only is God going to be there with you, but so are we? When I face something tough, I just take my SR family along with me.
I like what Freedom and Marle both said...just keep repeating what they said, and you'll do just fine.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Winnie you have put a lot of thought into this. Now it is time to take the actions.
FOLLOW the Therapist's lead. Let the Therapist led and direct the meeting. Before going in there as said above, a quick little prayer of "Thy will not mine," and "The Serenity Prayer" over and over in your mind will do wonders to keep you in focus.
Yes, it will be emotional, but only as emotional as YOU ALLOW YOURSELF to be.
You can do this. Watch is actions, don't listen to his words. Watch his demeanor, don't listen to his words. Watch his eyes, are they jerking back and forth, won't look at you or his Therapist, looking at the floor, etc Yes, he will be nervous also, but should at least attempt to make eye contact when talking.
You know the son you used to have, watch for signs that he is returning NOT THE WORDS.
By doing the above you will get a much better idea of where he is actually at in this process. Words are just words. Actions have meaning.
You are going to do just GREAT!!!!!
Prayers for you and your family.
Love and hugs,
FOLLOW the Therapist's lead. Let the Therapist led and direct the meeting. Before going in there as said above, a quick little prayer of "Thy will not mine," and "The Serenity Prayer" over and over in your mind will do wonders to keep you in focus.
Yes, it will be emotional, but only as emotional as YOU ALLOW YOURSELF to be.
You can do this. Watch is actions, don't listen to his words. Watch his demeanor, don't listen to his words. Watch his eyes, are they jerking back and forth, won't look at you or his Therapist, looking at the floor, etc Yes, he will be nervous also, but should at least attempt to make eye contact when talking.
You know the son you used to have, watch for signs that he is returning NOT THE WORDS.
By doing the above you will get a much better idea of where he is actually at in this process. Words are just words. Actions have meaning.
You are going to do just GREAT!!!!!
Prayers for you and your family.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
You don't have to be perfect at this. Say a prayer and then just do your best, and leave the results to God. In spite of how much its seems like we can screw stuff up, in the end its their disease and their responsiblity to take care of it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with the others here, when I catch myself in this kind of situation, I take my HP who I call God with me and picture Him standing beside me.
I also remember a prayer that an old timer here once posted..."Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth". That always made me smile, even during the difficult times.
Your post touched my heart. My prayers go with you today.
Hugs
I also remember a prayer that an old timer here once posted..."Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth". That always made me smile, even during the difficult times.
Your post touched my heart. My prayers go with you today.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Winnie,
I understand as best I can. I wrote this a few years ago:
Dear Son,
It was good to talk with you on the phone last night, but it was painful at the same time. I could hear the pain and frustration in your voice, and I know that you are struggling mightily with some things in your life right now.
Although it was difficult, I said “no” again. It’s not because I don’t love you… I say NO because I love you so very much.
BECAUSE I love you, you can’t come home
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t give you money to pay your rent, your cell phone, your car insurance, your car payment OR your dealer
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t bail you out of jail
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t make excuses or lie to your employer
BECAUSE I love you, I will let you experience your own consequences
BECAUSE I love you, I will point you in the direction of recovery, of a better life…
And BECAUSE I love you, I will let you find your own way.
And most of all, BECAUSE I love you, I will continue to seek my own recovery & support from other moms of children who are struggling with their own demons because they are the only ones who can truly understand.
I love you more than you can ever know,
Mom
I understand as best I can. I wrote this a few years ago:
Dear Son,
It was good to talk with you on the phone last night, but it was painful at the same time. I could hear the pain and frustration in your voice, and I know that you are struggling mightily with some things in your life right now.
Although it was difficult, I said “no” again. It’s not because I don’t love you… I say NO because I love you so very much.
BECAUSE I love you, you can’t come home
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t give you money to pay your rent, your cell phone, your car insurance, your car payment OR your dealer
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t bail you out of jail
BECAUSE I love you, I won’t make excuses or lie to your employer
BECAUSE I love you, I will let you experience your own consequences
BECAUSE I love you, I will point you in the direction of recovery, of a better life…
And BECAUSE I love you, I will let you find your own way.
And most of all, BECAUSE I love you, I will continue to seek my own recovery & support from other moms of children who are struggling with their own demons because they are the only ones who can truly understand.
I love you more than you can ever know,
Mom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Well I got through it - no arguments, or tears. I for once kept my mouth shut and just listened (I attribute that to many many prayers beforehand). The therapists are unsure as to whether he is strong enough to handle a rehab that doesnt have high security - I am leaving that up to them as they are the professionals. He did admit some things that he hasnt in the past especially that he had been very selfish, that he needed to start sharing and working through his problems instead of holding them in, that he needed to stop blaming other people and he felt that he needed to become closer to his higher power to get through this. The last part was especially refreshing to hear. I've always felt that this was a huge part of his addiction - he had always been very spiritual but once he started using he walked away from this completely.
I remain skeptical. He made significant eye contact with his therapist (who was amazing - he's lucky to have her) but made none with me - which is not uncommon for him - he has had a hard time with eye contact all his life. I spoke with her about that afterwards and she explained that she demands that from him and also that she felt he was feeling very ashamed and had trouble facing me because he knew how much he had hurt me. She feels it would be good for me to start visiting him but did agree that he cannot be abusive or blaming towards me. He rambled off some foolish things - like wanting to live with his AD but i think he was just trying to get me to say whether or not I was going to let him come home - i'm not thinking about that until the time comes. The therapist says that's a huge mistake and that i should not allow that. What I really liked is that she explained the concept of open and closed conversations. Open - we can discuss / closed - this is final no discussion. I liked that.
So I got to see my baby on his 16th birthday - it wasnt the way i ever dreamed this birthday would be but it was much more than i have expected as of late. He seems to be starting to understand Step 1 and 2 so at least he is moving forward. I dont fool myself that this is the last battle - I know there will be many more but as long as he is fighting his way out of the hole he dug then i can accept that as a small success.
Thank you all for your kind words, prayers, and advice. Today I didnt act like a codie and you all have helped me a great deal in that.
I remain skeptical. He made significant eye contact with his therapist (who was amazing - he's lucky to have her) but made none with me - which is not uncommon for him - he has had a hard time with eye contact all his life. I spoke with her about that afterwards and she explained that she demands that from him and also that she felt he was feeling very ashamed and had trouble facing me because he knew how much he had hurt me. She feels it would be good for me to start visiting him but did agree that he cannot be abusive or blaming towards me. He rambled off some foolish things - like wanting to live with his AD but i think he was just trying to get me to say whether or not I was going to let him come home - i'm not thinking about that until the time comes. The therapist says that's a huge mistake and that i should not allow that. What I really liked is that she explained the concept of open and closed conversations. Open - we can discuss / closed - this is final no discussion. I liked that.
So I got to see my baby on his 16th birthday - it wasnt the way i ever dreamed this birthday would be but it was much more than i have expected as of late. He seems to be starting to understand Step 1 and 2 so at least he is moving forward. I dont fool myself that this is the last battle - I know there will be many more but as long as he is fighting his way out of the hole he dug then i can accept that as a small success.
Thank you all for your kind words, prayers, and advice. Today I didnt act like a codie and you all have helped me a great deal in that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Winnie))))
I'm proud of you, too. I understand the skepticism, but I am glad that there are little signs of progress in your son and that he has a therapist that can see through him and also be supportive of YOU!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm proud of you, too. I understand the skepticism, but I am glad that there are little signs of progress in your son and that he has a therapist that can see through him and also be supportive of YOU!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm coming in late too. I always keep all the SR family in my prayers, so I know that even though I couldn't be here to know you faced this challenge, my higher power knew what was going on and was there with you for your visit. You did so well...sounds like both of you are taking excellent steps in recovery! 
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