the usual, frustrated,scared, stupid
Love is magical.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Florida
Posts: 21
the usual, frustrated,scared, stupid
well, here i go again. first, I finally refound my log in LOL *sigh*
well AH has been clean for 2 years, and seems so funny, NOW he wants to work on our relationship as I am ready to walk out the door. He always wants List. make a list of what you want, what I can do,list list list. I told him i want him to listen, and to show actions. since I have not given him a "list" he days he does not know what I want.
i am so fed up. we even tried for a few months to get pregnant, again i felt alone, as he took no intrest in the planning and temping and test, just when. Like now that he was "ready:" but he did not want to help.
then I have just found out, 6 couples I knew from area meetings were all getting divorced, or had gotten divorced. Scary. especially since they were the ones I knew.. we had a very small group.
i am si frustrated, I feel like giving up.i feel like i tried for SO many years, and now that he is clean, now he wants me to retry. I feel like HE need to try harder than me, since I tried already, through the recoveries, and rehabs. he says that is not fair. I am not asking for true fairness, that I take up 8-10 years of screwing up our lives. I feel that he needs to put in more effort than me. I know that seems wrong, but I feel so frustrated, that he thinks since he is now "ready" that it should be no problem. I could have tricked him, but i was honest and tried to work with him when he was active in his addiction.
maybe it is too late. If I give him a 'list' he will only end up reesenting me, and not chaning becuase he wants to, but because i demanded it.
man oh man.. this royally bites!!!!
well AH has been clean for 2 years, and seems so funny, NOW he wants to work on our relationship as I am ready to walk out the door. He always wants List. make a list of what you want, what I can do,list list list. I told him i want him to listen, and to show actions. since I have not given him a "list" he days he does not know what I want.
i am so fed up. we even tried for a few months to get pregnant, again i felt alone, as he took no intrest in the planning and temping and test, just when. Like now that he was "ready:" but he did not want to help.
then I have just found out, 6 couples I knew from area meetings were all getting divorced, or had gotten divorced. Scary. especially since they were the ones I knew.. we had a very small group.
i am si frustrated, I feel like giving up.i feel like i tried for SO many years, and now that he is clean, now he wants me to retry. I feel like HE need to try harder than me, since I tried already, through the recoveries, and rehabs. he says that is not fair. I am not asking for true fairness, that I take up 8-10 years of screwing up our lives. I feel that he needs to put in more effort than me. I know that seems wrong, but I feel so frustrated, that he thinks since he is now "ready" that it should be no problem. I could have tricked him, but i was honest and tried to work with him when he was active in his addiction.
maybe it is too late. If I give him a 'list' he will only end up reesenting me, and not chaning becuase he wants to, but because i demanded it.
man oh man.. this royally bites!!!!
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
You deserve to be happy--period! What is it that you want? Forget about what he wants for a minute--have you really asked yourself...."What do I want out of life"? If you want to work through this relationship--have you two ever considered couples counseling etc? Just a thought...keep posting...glad you are here. 
Love is magical.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Florida
Posts: 21
UGH counceling, just the word makes me cringe!!! LOL
We have been through couple rehab and then everytime he went into rehab we had counceling as well.
It is so hard, It seems like going throught the just after period of his recovery was so much easier than this.
I can honestly say I do not know one single couple though local meetings, or people he went to rehab with that are still married, except us.
That to me is quite scary. Granted, some have passed away, it is not that they left there spouses. I am so concerned, it is strange, it is like once he has been sober i thought that it would have been easier.
One hard lesson, he is clean, but he still has addict attitude. that is nto helping me. i feel so alone at times. Who says once they are clean it is easier?! I think sometimes that can be tough to, as you have to relearn a relationship, and how people have changed, or grown or not grown.
:praying
For answers
We have been through couple rehab and then everytime he went into rehab we had counceling as well.
It is so hard, It seems like going throught the just after period of his recovery was so much easier than this.
I can honestly say I do not know one single couple though local meetings, or people he went to rehab with that are still married, except us.
That to me is quite scary. Granted, some have passed away, it is not that they left there spouses. I am so concerned, it is strange, it is like once he has been sober i thought that it would have been easier.
One hard lesson, he is clean, but he still has addict attitude. that is nto helping me. i feel so alone at times. Who says once they are clean it is easier?! I think sometimes that can be tough to, as you have to relearn a relationship, and how people have changed, or grown or not grown.
:praying
For answers
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Connecian)))
Just because he is clean, doesn't mean everything is okay. I'm a recovering addict, and a recovering codie. I am WAY different than the person I was before my addiction. A lot of that has to do with my CODIE recovery. I know that sounds crazy, but for me, the 2 feed off each other..get stressed out about someone else's issues..get high.
I think I'm a better person than I was, but I work a strong program of recovery. Others just get clean, and think everyone is supposed to be doing the happy dance, forget the past, and move on. For some couples, they just grow apart...lines have ben crossed, and there's no going back.
I agree with Angelina..what is it YOU want? I wouldn't compare my relationship with others...we never know what really goes on in anyone else's relationship. I've always heard there are 3 sides to every story in a relationship...his, hers, and the truth...not really saying either LIE, but each has their own perspective.
It sounds like you have a lot of resentment toward him, and I understand that...been there, done that, have several t-shirts. As I have 3 XABF's, I finally had to forgive them, realize that I had a part in all of it (for me, I stuck with them and allowed a lot of bad behavior to continue) before I could get over the anger. At that point, I could figure out what I wanted, and how to keep from getting into the same situation again.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Just because he is clean, doesn't mean everything is okay. I'm a recovering addict, and a recovering codie. I am WAY different than the person I was before my addiction. A lot of that has to do with my CODIE recovery. I know that sounds crazy, but for me, the 2 feed off each other..get stressed out about someone else's issues..get high.
I think I'm a better person than I was, but I work a strong program of recovery. Others just get clean, and think everyone is supposed to be doing the happy dance, forget the past, and move on. For some couples, they just grow apart...lines have ben crossed, and there's no going back.
I agree with Angelina..what is it YOU want? I wouldn't compare my relationship with others...we never know what really goes on in anyone else's relationship. I've always heard there are 3 sides to every story in a relationship...his, hers, and the truth...not really saying either LIE, but each has their own perspective.
It sounds like you have a lot of resentment toward him, and I understand that...been there, done that, have several t-shirts. As I have 3 XABF's, I finally had to forgive them, realize that I had a part in all of it (for me, I stuck with them and allowed a lot of bad behavior to continue) before I could get over the anger. At that point, I could figure out what I wanted, and how to keep from getting into the same situation again.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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