Sound Familiar?
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sound Familiar?
Before you think that I am peeking in your window, let me assure you that I post this based on my own experience, experience that is not unique and that I think is best shared once again. I say this not to bash the sick addict, but to protect the moms who may be as sick as I was and not "get it" the first few times.
I always thought there must be an "Active Addict's Handbook" out there somewhere because they seem to know the same tricks that catch us Codie's off guard.
See if any of this rings a bell...
Things an active addict will do to fund his addiction...
-Use the house key that we either provided or that he has because he made a copy one time, to enter when we are sleeping or not home, using the opportunity to rob us of valuables, heirlooms, or cash or medications that may be laying around.
Change the locks, mama's and don't give him access to the new keys.
-Stealing a check or checks from the middle of our check books, then forging a check that they often get someone else to cash.
-Using our credit cards to order things, often by phone or on-line (so they cannot be identified as easily). No signature is required and they can order things that they can sell...and support their habit.
-Taking our cars in the middle of the night to run drug deals or to lend to someone they owe money to (dealers) who may use our vehicles while committing a crime. They either take the keys from our purses (if they live at home or have a key to the house) or they may have a spare key that they had made one time when we weren't looking.
-Taking our belongings and pawning them. Even if we know what pawn shop they used, it may be impossible to retrieve our goods if we cannot identify them by serial number or some other unique marking.
-Telling us pathetic stories that tug our hearts and make us want to give them money....one old standard is "I owe a dealer money from when I used to use and if I don't pay him, he will...break my legs...hurt my family...fill in your own tiresome story. Or "I need to pay the rent or I will be evicted and have to live under a bridge" or "I need tools for the new job I have been offered and can't do without tools" (I fell for this one at least three times before it clicked that the tools would just be sold).
We CAN protect ourselves from this, just as we protect ourselves from stangers. But it takes courage sometimes, and if we can't muster up the courage we are sitting ducks.
The hardest and most important thing I ever did was not allow my son to come into our home anymore. I had to change the locks and install alarms because he knew what windows could be opened without much trouble and he knew how to make it look like an outside job.
We can make certain that our purse, our wallets, our keys, never leave our sight or are locked away where the addict cannot get them. Hiding them won't work because our addicts can find anything if they just think like us and try hard enough to find them. Same goes for medications.
Be willing to press charges no matter what the consequence may be. Without consequences, our addicts have no reason to stop trying.
And what helped me most to find the courage to do what I needed to do, was to go to meetings and begin working on ME. I was as sick as my son and didn't even know it. I too needed help to be able to take good care of myself and learn to live a healthy life. Finding that courage has helped me learn that I don't have to be a victim, I don't have to live in his darkness, and that I CAN take care of myself and my belongings regardless of the consequences for anyone who takes advantage of me.
I felt a need to share that today, because I see people I care about here going through what I went through. Active addicts do what addicts do but we don't have to accept that or be part of it or victims. We can love our addict and still enforce boundaries and consequences. It may save their life.
If you want to add to this list, please do so, it may save one other mom a whole bunch of grief.
Hugs
I always thought there must be an "Active Addict's Handbook" out there somewhere because they seem to know the same tricks that catch us Codie's off guard.
See if any of this rings a bell...
Things an active addict will do to fund his addiction...
-Use the house key that we either provided or that he has because he made a copy one time, to enter when we are sleeping or not home, using the opportunity to rob us of valuables, heirlooms, or cash or medications that may be laying around.
Change the locks, mama's and don't give him access to the new keys.
-Stealing a check or checks from the middle of our check books, then forging a check that they often get someone else to cash.
-Using our credit cards to order things, often by phone or on-line (so they cannot be identified as easily). No signature is required and they can order things that they can sell...and support their habit.
-Taking our cars in the middle of the night to run drug deals or to lend to someone they owe money to (dealers) who may use our vehicles while committing a crime. They either take the keys from our purses (if they live at home or have a key to the house) or they may have a spare key that they had made one time when we weren't looking.
-Taking our belongings and pawning them. Even if we know what pawn shop they used, it may be impossible to retrieve our goods if we cannot identify them by serial number or some other unique marking.
-Telling us pathetic stories that tug our hearts and make us want to give them money....one old standard is "I owe a dealer money from when I used to use and if I don't pay him, he will...break my legs...hurt my family...fill in your own tiresome story. Or "I need to pay the rent or I will be evicted and have to live under a bridge" or "I need tools for the new job I have been offered and can't do without tools" (I fell for this one at least three times before it clicked that the tools would just be sold).
We CAN protect ourselves from this, just as we protect ourselves from stangers. But it takes courage sometimes, and if we can't muster up the courage we are sitting ducks.
The hardest and most important thing I ever did was not allow my son to come into our home anymore. I had to change the locks and install alarms because he knew what windows could be opened without much trouble and he knew how to make it look like an outside job.
We can make certain that our purse, our wallets, our keys, never leave our sight or are locked away where the addict cannot get them. Hiding them won't work because our addicts can find anything if they just think like us and try hard enough to find them. Same goes for medications.
Be willing to press charges no matter what the consequence may be. Without consequences, our addicts have no reason to stop trying.
And what helped me most to find the courage to do what I needed to do, was to go to meetings and begin working on ME. I was as sick as my son and didn't even know it. I too needed help to be able to take good care of myself and learn to live a healthy life. Finding that courage has helped me learn that I don't have to be a victim, I don't have to live in his darkness, and that I CAN take care of myself and my belongings regardless of the consequences for anyone who takes advantage of me.
I felt a need to share that today, because I see people I care about here going through what I went through. Active addicts do what addicts do but we don't have to accept that or be part of it or victims. We can love our addict and still enforce boundaries and consequences. It may save their life.
If you want to add to this list, please do so, it may save one other mom a whole bunch of grief.
Hugs
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Would like to add:
Do NOT Bail Them Out Of Jail.
Do NOT hire them an Attorney.
Do NOT help them in any way.
My parents did the above until I was 33 and 1/2 years old, until they finally could stand no more and SHUT ME OUT OF THEIR LIVES TOTALLY.
Today I can tell you, it was the BEST THING that anyone ever did for me and it was really the BEST THING my parents ever did for me.
Yep it took me 2 and 1/2 more years to reach my personal bottom, but I sure learned about consequences in that 2 and 1/2 years.
Do NOT be afraid of the threats that you will never hear from them again if you do the above.
Once I was in recovery and my folks and I reconnected my mother revealed to me that they were at their wits end, and knew if they did not shut me out that both of them would end up in the insane asylum in padded cells. They didn't know about Alanon back in '79. And yes, I said all those threats when the door was shut in my face. That they would be sorry, they would never hear from me again. That was more of the QUACKING.
In recovery, I was able to THANK THEM for what they had done for me. Your child will too.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Do NOT Bail Them Out Of Jail.
Do NOT hire them an Attorney.
Do NOT help them in any way.
My parents did the above until I was 33 and 1/2 years old, until they finally could stand no more and SHUT ME OUT OF THEIR LIVES TOTALLY.
Today I can tell you, it was the BEST THING that anyone ever did for me and it was really the BEST THING my parents ever did for me.
Yep it took me 2 and 1/2 more years to reach my personal bottom, but I sure learned about consequences in that 2 and 1/2 years.
Do NOT be afraid of the threats that you will never hear from them again if you do the above.
Once I was in recovery and my folks and I reconnected my mother revealed to me that they were at their wits end, and knew if they did not shut me out that both of them would end up in the insane asylum in padded cells. They didn't know about Alanon back in '79. And yes, I said all those threats when the door was shut in my face. That they would be sorry, they would never hear from me again. That was more of the QUACKING.
In recovery, I was able to THANK THEM for what they had done for me. Your child will too.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Amen, Laurie. I bailed my son out only once. He had made many promises of how he would change his life, how he would do whatever he needed to do to stay clean, and how he would listen to me from now on (oh, brother to that one).
The promises lasted less than two hours, and then he was out using again. I had paid money to take my son from a safe and secure jail and let him loose on the street again to use drugs. How loving was that?
I never bailed him out again...another lesson learned the hard way.
Thanks Laurie, that's an important one.
Hugs
The promises lasted less than two hours, and then he was out using again. I had paid money to take my son from a safe and secure jail and let him loose on the street again to use drugs. How loving was that?
I never bailed him out again...another lesson learned the hard way.
Thanks Laurie, that's an important one.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: S.E. Mich.
Posts: 1,433
From a substance abuser's point of view, (mine) I can say good post Ann. An ounce of prevention, block the opportunity, etc, such as the things you listed would go a long away since addicts like to follow the path of least resistance.
And the easier it was for me to get and do what I wanted, the more I continued to do it and hurt you in the process if you were the one open to my ways.
When I was active, I would always take the easiest, fastest way to get a way to buy more "stuff", and it never mattered who I had to take from to do that. Never.
And the easier it was for me to get and do what I wanted, the more I continued to do it and hurt you in the process if you were the one open to my ways.
When I was active, I would always take the easiest, fastest way to get a way to buy more "stuff", and it never mattered who I had to take from to do that. Never.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Thanks, Doug, hearing the truth from someone who has been there has always helped me understand that setting boundaries and enforcing them can show more love than enabling by letting things go.
I will always remember something posted by Jon, another recovering addict and the founder of this site, who said "You can love your addict to death...right into the grave"
Most of what I tolerated to protect my son, probably led to his prolonged use of drugs. I just made it easy....all in the name of love.
Hugs
I will always remember something posted by Jon, another recovering addict and the founder of this site, who said "You can love your addict to death...right into the grave"
Most of what I tolerated to protect my son, probably led to his prolonged use of drugs. I just made it easy....all in the name of love.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter has never stolen from us. I say that with a yet attached because there is always a first time for everything. Even though she has never stolen and currently has 6 months clean, I still protect myself. Just yesterday she borrowed my car to run some errands. Petey, our chihuahua, had spent the night with her and so before she took me back to work we had to drop him off at my house. I ran him in and left my purse in the car. The very first thing that I did when I got back to work was to check my checks, credit cards and cash. I did not learn this through personal experience but rather through others sharing their experience with me through this forum. Better to be safe than sorry. Hugs, Marle
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Thanks, Marle, and lucky is the mom like you who has not been stolen from and yet is wise enough to be careful.
I think of things I do in everyday life, like locking my car and my house when I leave in the morning, and not setting my purse where it could be taken...things normal people do to be safe. I have never been robbed, mugged or had my purse stolen (just my wallet once when I took my eye off my purse in an office), and yet I continue to protect myself because I know that this is not a perfect world and thefts happen every day.
We don't have to live in fear, I certainly try not to and don't mean to scare anyone here. But we can use some good common sense in taking care of ourselves,
A policeman once told me "If you think you are vulnerable you probably are" and he was right, He was speaking about safety precautions at my office at the time, but it applies to all areas of my life. If I don't put myself in a vulnerable position, or use caution if I catch myself there, I am more likely to stay safe.
Hugs
I think of things I do in everyday life, like locking my car and my house when I leave in the morning, and not setting my purse where it could be taken...things normal people do to be safe. I have never been robbed, mugged or had my purse stolen (just my wallet once when I took my eye off my purse in an office), and yet I continue to protect myself because I know that this is not a perfect world and thefts happen every day.
We don't have to live in fear, I certainly try not to and don't mean to scare anyone here. But we can use some good common sense in taking care of ourselves,
A policeman once told me "If you think you are vulnerable you probably are" and he was right, He was speaking about safety precautions at my office at the time, but it applies to all areas of my life. If I don't put myself in a vulnerable position, or use caution if I catch myself there, I am more likely to stay safe.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
When my son was constantly breaking into my apartment while I was traveling on business, I contacted the security company and asked them to come out and change the alarm code. My son was sitting out in front of my buliding when they arrived, and being the charming young man that he was (aren't they all?) he convinced the alarm guy to give HIM the new code too because he was my son and was looking out for me, doncha know. Son had the new code before I did.
They are so incredibly creative, aren't they?
My words of wisdom are to be double and triple cautious, trust ACTIONS and not words, and make them pay you back the very first time they ever steal from you, or "borrow something without you knowing about it because it wasn't going to be a big deal and it would have been back before you ever knew it was gone."
They are so incredibly creative, aren't they?
My words of wisdom are to be double and triple cautious, trust ACTIONS and not words, and make them pay you back the very first time they ever steal from you, or "borrow something without you knowing about it because it wasn't going to be a big deal and it would have been back before you ever knew it was gone."
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
oh gosh, I agree with all of the above, especially the "trust actions, not words" ! (Thanks Cats)
My downfall is I am too niave and soft,
although through meetings, over time,
I have hardened my resolve.
So my suggestion is BE TOUGH! Say NO and mean it.
If you died tomorrow, your addict would figure out a way to support himself/herself without your enabling.
If they can find a way to buy drugs, they sure can find a way to pay the rent, the phone bill, the electric bill, the cell phone bill...etc.
Wonderful thread Ann, and right timely too.
Hugs...and more hugs...
My downfall is I am too niave and soft,
although through meetings, over time,
I have hardened my resolve.
So my suggestion is BE TOUGH! Say NO and mean it.
If you died tomorrow, your addict would figure out a way to support himself/herself without your enabling.
If they can find a way to buy drugs, they sure can find a way to pay the rent, the phone bill, the electric bill, the cell phone bill...etc.
Wonderful thread Ann, and right timely too.
Hugs...and more hugs...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Thanks Ann, and to all who have posted.
Here are a few more things to beware of, not all have happened to me but are ways I try to protect myself:
Never place outgoing mail in the mailbox, drop it off instead or take it to work if there is a pick up service. Checks can be forged and account numbers used.
Use a locked mailbox for incoming mail. I have not done this yet, but I try to take the mail out as soon as it arrives.
Never have bills or statements accessible, opened or not.
Shred everything before it goes into the trash. Cross shredding is best. Those offers for credit cards are the worst because they often include checks for a cash advance.
Don't allow anyone near when at the ATM...and (gulp) never give them your PIN. I did that and forgot to change it after my AS got into trouble.
I rarely use the ATM but when I do, no matter who is around, I hold my other hand or purse to block the view of the keypad.
Copy the front and backs of all cards and keep a list of the cards. At one time I had so many that I wouldn't have missed one if it was taken...or 'borrowed.' Having a list makes it easier because one might not be thinking clearly when upset over having a loved one steal from them.
This may sound silly, but there were times when I just didn't verify all credit purchases on my bill because my mind was elsewhere and I was so stressed with the life we were living. There were a few snuck inbetween my regular charges and I didn't notice them.
Here are a few more things to beware of, not all have happened to me but are ways I try to protect myself:
Never place outgoing mail in the mailbox, drop it off instead or take it to work if there is a pick up service. Checks can be forged and account numbers used.
Use a locked mailbox for incoming mail. I have not done this yet, but I try to take the mail out as soon as it arrives.
Never have bills or statements accessible, opened or not.
Shred everything before it goes into the trash. Cross shredding is best. Those offers for credit cards are the worst because they often include checks for a cash advance.
Don't allow anyone near when at the ATM...and (gulp) never give them your PIN. I did that and forgot to change it after my AS got into trouble.
I rarely use the ATM but when I do, no matter who is around, I hold my other hand or purse to block the view of the keypad.
Copy the front and backs of all cards and keep a list of the cards. At one time I had so many that I wouldn't have missed one if it was taken...or 'borrowed.' Having a list makes it easier because one might not be thinking clearly when upset over having a loved one steal from them.
This may sound silly, but there were times when I just didn't verify all credit purchases on my bill because my mind was elsewhere and I was so stressed with the life we were living. There were a few snuck inbetween my regular charges and I didn't notice them.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I had a friend who let a man into her life and into her apartment before she really knew better. He took one of those fake credit cards (the kind that they send with the offer letters) and put it in her wallet in the place of one he took out. She didn't use the missing one very often so it was a week or 2 before she realized she didnt have the right one as the top of the cards LOOKED the same in her wallet.
SCHMUCK.
SCHMUCK.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Thank you all for your helpful contributions, and I hope we will get more.
One that I forgot to mention is that a money order can be visibly altered where the payee name is. How do I know this? I gave my son a money order payable to his landlord for rent arrears *sigh* and he simply drew a line through the landlord's name and changed it to HIS name. I would never have known except that his landlord called me to tell me he was evicting him for unpaid rent and when I asked about my payment...he had never seen it. I followed through with my bank and got the copy that had been altered and did make my son pay me back. It took a year but he did.
And take good care of any medications you have, no matter what they are for. They can be sold, even if not used by your addict.
Old story, still makes me grin...my son stole my hormones thinking they were Tylanol 3's (I had dental work done and picked them both up at the same time and hid the Tylanol 3's). When I confronted him he confessed and told me he had taken most of them "and didn't even get a buzz". I told him he would grow breasts, that people who have sex change operations take them for that purpose. He believed me and checked every day for a month. It was my one moment of triumph during the insanity of living with an active addict.
It would not have been funny if it had been heart medication or something my life depended on.
Hugs
One that I forgot to mention is that a money order can be visibly altered where the payee name is. How do I know this? I gave my son a money order payable to his landlord for rent arrears *sigh* and he simply drew a line through the landlord's name and changed it to HIS name. I would never have known except that his landlord called me to tell me he was evicting him for unpaid rent and when I asked about my payment...he had never seen it. I followed through with my bank and got the copy that had been altered and did make my son pay me back. It took a year but he did.
And take good care of any medications you have, no matter what they are for. They can be sold, even if not used by your addict.
Old story, still makes me grin...my son stole my hormones thinking they were Tylanol 3's (I had dental work done and picked them both up at the same time and hid the Tylanol 3's). When I confronted him he confessed and told me he had taken most of them "and didn't even get a buzz". I told him he would grow breasts, that people who have sex change operations take them for that purpose. He believed me and checked every day for a month. It was my one moment of triumph during the insanity of living with an active addict.
It would not have been funny if it had been heart medication or something my life depended on.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
One of my all-time favorite Ann stories right there.
I remember my son asking me what estrogen was for. That meant he'd been looking thru my drawer and found the pills, but he didn't take them. He must have heard from Ann that he'd grow breasts.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Oh, I thought of one more!
Make sure you check your savings and checking account statements when you receive them in the mail!
We came back from Canada last year and someone had used our "old" debit card.
Can't figure that out for the life of me. I thought when you activated a "new" debit card, your old one was automatically cancelled. Not so, the bank told me, sometimes it's overlooked and you should call the bank to make sure the old one was cancelled!
We had $400 on our card charged, and plenty of those were for "International calling cards" whatever those are.
So make sure you check your statements.
Make sure you check your savings and checking account statements when you receive them in the mail!
We came back from Canada last year and someone had used our "old" debit card.
Can't figure that out for the life of me. I thought when you activated a "new" debit card, your old one was automatically cancelled. Not so, the bank told me, sometimes it's overlooked and you should call the bank to make sure the old one was cancelled!
We had $400 on our card charged, and plenty of those were for "International calling cards" whatever those are.
So make sure you check your statements.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Ann, sounds just like AS. We paid cash to him so he would not get beaten up by the drug dealers ( ya right!) My spouse and son have the same name, so he would call the credit card companies and obtain the pin to get cash - still cant figgure out how he did that one. Stole my company cheques scribbled out my company name and filled in his name - still cant believe they cashed it. Used my credit cards got someone else to do it and stood away from the camera's in the store. The topper was my mother passed away last year I froze her bank account he passed out cheques from her account. Can u imagine on a dead womens account. Told everyone grandma left him some money. They know every single thing you own in your home and every manipulative stunt to get money. They can be ever so charming. Just when you think you have outsmarted them they come up with something new.
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