Advice Please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 59
Advice Please
So it took me a few weeks to discover that, upon return from my business trip, my fiance stole my collection of State Quarters and rummaged thru the entire apt. Found the tell-tale copper wires (used by crack addicts to filter the rock in the glass pipe) on the floor and in the couch. I vacuum regularly both the floor and couch, so this was not "left-over" from years ago.
I had had it. When he got home I didn't let him into the home, but just said that we were going out to eat. While driving, I asked him where my quarters were, etc, and he said "anything I say to you won't be a good enough explanation" and then chose to sit silently in the car, like a Big Baby. So I continued to drive, silently. When we passed the restaurant, he asked where we were going, and I said that I choose to remain silent about it, as well. Three minutes later I pulled up to the Salvation Army courtyard where skid-row lines up to get a bunk for the night.
I calmly told him I was leaving him and to get out of my car. He absolutely refused. He started to create a scene. I calmly continued to just ask him to get out of the car. He refused. At that point, I knew that unless I called the police, I would not be able to get him out of the car. I told him that when he found a place, I would deliver his clothing for him (although, who cares, because we all know that clothing is the first thing to disappear when addicts are active)..
So what happened??? you guessed it: I pretended that I would give him "one more chance" just to get him out of panic mode. He's gone at work during the day, and I'm spending my time trying to figure out how to get away from him. I'm considering hiring movers to secretly move-out all of my stuff when he's gone from work one day. My name is the only one on the lease (of course). I really do not want to get the police involved.
His DOC is crack. My parents (who live in a different town) have said I can move back home with them (although at 35 yo this is not ideal). He thinks right now everything is "back to normal", but I'm just trying to remain calm while I plan my escape route. All of my valuables are in a bank safety deposit box.
Any suggestions?
I had had it. When he got home I didn't let him into the home, but just said that we were going out to eat. While driving, I asked him where my quarters were, etc, and he said "anything I say to you won't be a good enough explanation" and then chose to sit silently in the car, like a Big Baby. So I continued to drive, silently. When we passed the restaurant, he asked where we were going, and I said that I choose to remain silent about it, as well. Three minutes later I pulled up to the Salvation Army courtyard where skid-row lines up to get a bunk for the night.
I calmly told him I was leaving him and to get out of my car. He absolutely refused. He started to create a scene. I calmly continued to just ask him to get out of the car. He refused. At that point, I knew that unless I called the police, I would not be able to get him out of the car. I told him that when he found a place, I would deliver his clothing for him (although, who cares, because we all know that clothing is the first thing to disappear when addicts are active)..
So what happened??? you guessed it: I pretended that I would give him "one more chance" just to get him out of panic mode. He's gone at work during the day, and I'm spending my time trying to figure out how to get away from him. I'm considering hiring movers to secretly move-out all of my stuff when he's gone from work one day. My name is the only one on the lease (of course). I really do not want to get the police involved.
His DOC is crack. My parents (who live in a different town) have said I can move back home with them (although at 35 yo this is not ideal). He thinks right now everything is "back to normal", but I'm just trying to remain calm while I plan my escape route. All of my valuables are in a bank safety deposit box.
Any suggestions?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi honey. I have been exactly where you are. You are on the right track. crack addicts are hard to get rid of. They won't let go of their enablers without a fight. I understand not wanting to call the police however, you may have to and that is OK. This is your life and you don't have to be around people who use crack cocaine. It is illegal and run-ins with the law are a natural consequence of its use.
I suggest that you change your locks immediately. Just call a lock smith. It only cost around $60. Or you can even do it yourself by going to Home depot and buying a new lock.
it's ok to go stay with your parents until you get settled.
Keep us posted.
I suggest that you change your locks immediately. Just call a lock smith. It only cost around $60. Or you can even do it yourself by going to Home depot and buying a new lock.
it's ok to go stay with your parents until you get settled.
Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I agree change the locks and please do use the police if you must, that is ok. It’s like you are a prisoner to him and his addiction and your life is slipping away just like his is.
You deserve better, far better then to be lied to and manipulated for his addiction.
You deserve better, far better then to be lied to and manipulated for his addiction.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
he took something of yours, without your permission or knowledge. that's called theft. and once that line is crossed it gets "easier" for the addict to cross it again and again.......please keep thinking of ways to take care of yourself, protect yourself......
once that line has been crossed - in my experience not only will it be crossed again but it will be pushed and pushed and pushed.
Sweetie only you can decide what is best for you - you can call the local women's shelter for suggestions and advice - Sometimes there are attys that volunteer the time in giving some legal advice to those in these types of situations.
I don't know what kind of response you will get from calling the police but hopefully if you need them they will be there to help you!
((HUGS))
Rita
..Grateful
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
The only thing I can add is that for me, the police are my friend.
My life didn't get better until I started calling the police. In my case it was my meth-addicted niece. Now she is in the workhouse (jail light) and at least not on drugs and driving me crazy.
Prior to the last go-around, she knew I would call the police or other authorities if I felt I needed to and her respect for me went up.
I know for me, the shame of having police cruisers in my driveway kept me from calling. Also the fear that my niece would hate me. After I got over it, I realized that it was the best thing for her and me.
Prayers that you find your way.
My life didn't get better until I started calling the police. In my case it was my meth-addicted niece. Now she is in the workhouse (jail light) and at least not on drugs and driving me crazy.
Prior to the last go-around, she knew I would call the police or other authorities if I felt I needed to and her respect for me went up.
I know for me, the shame of having police cruisers in my driveway kept me from calling. Also the fear that my niece would hate me. After I got over it, I realized that it was the best thing for her and me.
Prayers that you find your way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I agree - I know all the police and the firemen in my area now. It helps a lot - the more they come and see the situation i am in the more they are willing to help me. The first time was hard - for months i picked up the phone and put it back down. After that first one was under my belt it got easier and my son knew that I wasnt going to put up with any crap.
I also put a keylock on my bedroom door to keep him from stealing from me when i wasnt home. the way i look at it now is my son IS a criminal - he does break laws so I treat him like the person he chooses to be. police dont arrest people for no reason especially juveniles so if he wasnt in the wrong he wouldnt have been taken away in handcuffs. i still deal with his crap but he doesnt hit me or tear up my house anymore.
I also put a keylock on my bedroom door to keep him from stealing from me when i wasnt home. the way i look at it now is my son IS a criminal - he does break laws so I treat him like the person he chooses to be. police dont arrest people for no reason especially juveniles so if he wasnt in the wrong he wouldnt have been taken away in handcuffs. i still deal with his crap but he doesnt hit me or tear up my house anymore.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Hey, I've called the police on my son and it was hard,hard, hard. But what's even harder is what you are going through. Defenseless in the light of his criminal activity. You have to do what's right for you. My son did not get better after I called the police. He has chosen to remain in his addiction. But I got better. I am learning to detach even though it is still heartbreaking at times. But I am better. You can get better too.
krhea
krhea
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northeast of Philadelphia
Posts: 17
I agree with all of the above, but if you are going to change the locks please don't be alone the first time he tries to get in. If he sees someone else around he's less likely to kick your door down. Also call the police, but don't be alone unless you have that cop car in your driveway. Things happen in the blink of an eye and addicts have no clue what they are doing while inraged. My husband wrestled me to the ground for the last bit of coke in his pocket. He's now clean, only 6 weeks, but says at that time he didn't really care what could have happened to me in those few seconds. Please be very careful and again try not to be alone for awhile. Don't feel weird about staying with mom and dad for abit. It doesn't have to be a permanent solution, just a stepping stone to a better and safer you. Good thoughts and prayers headed your way 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
The police seemed to "get through" to my son, when I couldn't. Amazing how the law gets their attention.
Of course, I taught him that when I said "no", it didn't mean "no" - it meant just keep hammering away at me, or act apologetic, or be pitiful, or - or -or. And I would cave in, and all would "be ok".
When I started doing things differently, I got better - and eventually he did too.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Of course, I taught him that when I said "no", it didn't mean "no" - it meant just keep hammering away at me, or act apologetic, or be pitiful, or - or -or. And I would cave in, and all would "be ok".
When I started doing things differently, I got better - and eventually he did too.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Well, if you change the locks, he will probably make a big scene and the cops will likely become involved.
If you really want to try and move out, you could start packing some things up a little at a time while he's gone to work, things he won't notice. If you have somewhere to store the boxes (i.e. a friend's place or whatnot,) that might be an option. Then, if you have to move out in 6-8 hours while he's at work, you will have a lot less to do. I don't know, that's just one thing I could think of. If he notices things missing, tell him you sold it for cash to pay for his porn and that you have a big list of stuff still to sell to get financially sound.
I would turn off the cable, or make it so he needs a password to order PPV (which is usually available.) Take away all the perks if you can live without them. If he asks why, that's easy. You can't afford 150$ in porn. He's spending too much on drugs.
Lots of good thoughts coming your way.
:praying
If you really want to try and move out, you could start packing some things up a little at a time while he's gone to work, things he won't notice. If you have somewhere to store the boxes (i.e. a friend's place or whatnot,) that might be an option. Then, if you have to move out in 6-8 hours while he's at work, you will have a lot less to do. I don't know, that's just one thing I could think of. If he notices things missing, tell him you sold it for cash to pay for his porn and that you have a big list of stuff still to sell to get financially sound.
I would turn off the cable, or make it so he needs a password to order PPV (which is usually available.) Take away all the perks if you can live without them. If he asks why, that's easy. You can't afford 150$ in porn. He's spending too much on drugs.
Lots of good thoughts coming your way.
:praying
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
