dixied

My son called us last night concerning compiling a resume. He has worked for us in the past for over four years. During that last year his drug use became obvious. He ended up stealing from us among other things.

My questions is basically this............ he wants to use us s a reference. We know that my son is an excellent worker when sober but what if the potential employer asks us why my son ended his employment with us? What do we say? How much do we say, if anything as former employers?

I told my husband that there are such gaps of time in my son's resume (due to his treatment) that I think that in itself will hold up a red flag.

My son is really trying hard and he really is a good worker but asking us to be a reference is going to put us back in the mix and if we don't agree to be a reference then that's another block of time that's unaccounted for.

I know that there are guidelines as to what a prospective employer can ask.....I am just not sure what the perameters are.......exactly what they can and cannot ask.

One thing my dh and I plan to do is answer directly as that's what we'd want someone to do for us if we were hiring someone.

Any thoughts would be appreciated. dixied

Stubborn1

Just tell them he left due to personal reason. They will ask if he was a good employee, how was his attendance record, would you rehire him.

I think if you do not want to lie then you should be honest with your son and tell him that it may not be a good idea to use you as a reference. Be honest. His mistakes may teach him to not mess up the next job.

Its not like the job is going to come to your house when/if he messes it up and ask you any questions.
If he has changed his ways then I personally would help, if he is still active addict then I would not lie for him.

Freedom1990

There's a difference between using you as a reference, and being listed as a past employer.

Potential employers are only supposed to ask if that person did indeed work for you.

My opinion is it's not best to use you as a 'reference', only to verify you as a past employer.

Jody Hepler

In my experience with halfway houses, transitional living programs - they are familiar with these types of issues and can guide your son. I was asked to let the newly recovering addicts get their support from their sponsor, old timers in the program, house manager at program - not from me. It was very hard, but it was the best way. I just had to get myself out of the loop -and let them learn to ask for help from those folks that had been in their shoes. My sons were very used to me bailing them out, helping them, taking care of things, guiding them.

It was very hard for me to learn to accept that they needed low level, no stress jobs at first - to learn how to work sober and handle the usual job stuff - so one son's first job was pumping gas - and the other had an entry level job at a ski resort (even though he previously taught and coached). They'll tell you today that it was important for their humility and to learn how to just be a worker bee.

My Alanon sponsor and longtime Alanon friends guided me through this. Just as I expected changes from them, I had to make many of the same changes. Early recovery was tough for me.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

littlebird77

with or without drug use, I'm not sure if you really should put a personal refrence down.

winnie12

Not sure about your state but in Georgia an employer is only allowed to state when they worked for you and cannot disclose anything else including why they left. Its different if they put you down as a personal reference - then you can elaborate but if its just prior employment verification then in my state you cannot disclose details. that may get you off the hook.

wooforever

Okay but law you do not have to give them a reason why he was let go or why he left the company. All they can ask is the dates he worked for you and would you rehire him. When they do a back ground check they are going to see all the charges if any that he has.
He needs to be honest with the people that are hiring him because if he tells them any lies he could be fired on the spot.
If he is in treatment now then he should ask the counslers what he should do.

hello-kitty

My ex used me as a personal reference when he was looking for work (after he got out of prison). I said he's a great guy. He's my sons father. I really want him to get a job so he can help support his family. I think he'll do a good job for you. He did. For about 6 weeks. Then he never showed up for work again because his addiction got the best of him. But it's not like I was responsible for that. The company knew his background when they hired him. They knew they were taking a risk.

You'd think that the company would have some clue, that as his mother, you probably might be a little biased in your opinion about your son. If you want to be a reference, then be one. If you don't then you have the right to say no. But it's your decision. And there is no wrong choice. It's about what you feel comfortable with.

Impurrfect

(((Dixied)))

Most places want a reference that is not related to you or, in some cases, not someone you've worked for (like a supervisor). I use friends that have known me forever, and a coworker who has never been my supervisor.

I, too, have a gap from when I was using. I already know that I will have to explain this, as anyone with common sense will want to know why I went from being a nurse to waiting tables. I also have a criminal charge to explain, though it's no longer a felony.

This is just part of our consequences that we have to deal with. I still haven't even gotten a CALL on any of the zillion resume's and applications I've sent out, but I know HP has a plan and I just continue doing the best I can do. The BEST thing he can do, in my opinion, is do the job he has now, do it well, and keep looking...that's what I'm doing. If nothing else, I have over 3 years with my present employer and a good work record.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy