imallright

So, I am moving forward but I don't really quite know how I am surviving, frankly. Thank god for my therapist, but I am still not doing well. I finally escaped the insanity of addiction and all of the chaos and lack of trust, love, confidence that goes along with it and I am alone. Totally, alone. When do I start to find peace? How do I face being here by myself? Maybe I am just having a pity party, but I don't think I am going to make it through this. What's the point?

I went to a meeting last week. Good to know there are others out there like me, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I went out today to do some errands, etc. and couldn't stand it. I was alone. Everywhere I looked were couples and families. Mom's and daughters. Dad's and babies. The holidays are coming and I can't barely get through "regular" days.... How do I do this.

I know intellectually that it would have been wrong to stay in a dead marriage and to be in the midst of all the chaos and "drug induced nonsense".... but at least I wouldn't be alone. I would have my kids with me. I am taking some action with a lawyer to try to "force" some time with my kids.... amazing to me that the kids are with him and all that pain that is happening in my world is because of that fool.

God, someone talk to me. I need to stop crying and get it together.

BayAreaPhoenix

(((imallright)))

My heart breaks for you.

It's aweful to feel alone, but there are people out here who care and are here for you!

You are doing it. One step at a time. It's so hard to see down the road, to see the long-term outcome, but it's better than what you are seeing now. So long as you keep going forward.

We "see" what we miss. Hugs to you!

Lots and lots of them (((hugs)))

Neverwanted

Hey Doll


I started a thread similar to yours yesterday. So please know you are not alone. Not that you wish this on anyone, but maybe we all pull together and help build on for sunnier days?

I know what it is like to lose a child to an addict - my daughter left because he had done such rotten things to me. I died the day she left. I agonized. But she did come back as they all do. And yes, we get punished for loving an addict. Thats what my thread was about. The insidiousness of it all. We are still rebuilding but the damage was pretty bad. On all of us. On so many I have lost count.

I notice the families and it really hurts. I dont have any friends left or family to spend the holidays with...so i will likely be posting in here...lol Im actually laughing at the absurdity of it. I was a good person to him and I got screwed by EVERYONE. HOW SICK IS THAT



I dont know HOW you handle the days of the season. I dont know. One day at a time? I try to exercise a lot. It helps. Do you have any pets? I focus on bathing them or walking the ones that are walkable - doing something nice for them. Looking into their eyes really shows a world outside my own.

If you dont have a pet - what about finding one? If I didnt have my critters I would be lost. SO LOST.

I have some snakes that are wonderful and dont require much food or exercise../.they are great and dont wee or poo much. Easy keepers.

Lizards are akin to birds and very social depending on the species.Much more work than snakes/.

HM/ How about I brain storm for the both of us and anyone else who needs ideas?:praying

imallright

Thanks. I do have a dog. Don't know what I would do without her warmth and comfort. She has kept me going... literally. Thanks for caring.

BBD

Hey You~~I do feel your hurt. I, sometimes wponder why some of our couple friends have such lovely children when we're dealing with addiction and whats to happen next. I must have missed something because I'm not quite sure why your kids are with their dad?? The holidays are tough but I'm sure if I were alone I would be volunteering at a soup kitchen to put a smile on others faces. Maybe you have one around you~~Give them a call and see if they need help Thanksgiving Day. Things in life are never premenant (sp)) so hang in there. I'm sure those kids will wake up to reality soon.....hugs, Bonnie

imallright

We are supposed to have joint custody and the kids are supposed to split their time. Since Dad moved out, my oldest has not stayed at my house once. My daughter did a few times, but hasn't been her in weeks. Dad says, " I tell them to go visit you... but they don't want to do....what am I supposed to do." He has no backbone and never has stood on his own two feet. They like being with him because he lets them do whatever they want. He is needy big time and they know it. I know my daughter is afraid to leave him alone. She thinks it's her job to take care of him because I am not any more. What a mess. I have gotten a lawyer and I am trying to at least fight it so that the kids will get some help. They both need counseling, but Dad doesn't believe in that, surprise...huh? What does he have to hide? It's not supposed to be like this.

liesagain

I'm sorry that your kids are going thru this..............but he asked what is he to do, well for starters hes suppose to make them go see you.
Not unlike when a child doesnt want to go to school, its a parents jobs to make them go.................

I'm glad that you are able to see that there are Reasons the kids arent wanting to come, but do your best to see that they do.

imallright

Oh, I am trying to do everything in my power. I am reaching out to them, I am trying to work with Dad, I am working with the school, I am getting a lawyer.... he's never parented these kids and I think if they come here he feels threatened. Big man, huh.... ruined my life.

cassandra2

Sorry to hear about the way the kids are to you. Its gotta be twice as hard for them. Seems like they are staying with him because of the emotional guilt I am sure he is giving them. Be patient. They will begin to see the light. They know you love them and right now I am sure they probably are picking him because he probably is making them feel guilty about loving you or even showing any interest in being with you.

I am sure everything will work out.

BBD

YUP~~~I bet your daughter does feel like she has to take care of dad but I bet that will stop the minute SHE needs a parent. Hang in there sweety~~it sounds like your doing everything you should be doing. Sometimes it just takes "life" to straighten things out. My heart aches for the way you feel but you have to stay strong~~~~~mom!! Hugs, Bonnie

NeedingHelp7

Hello imallright.....

My older daughter went to dad when she was a teen too a couple of times she ran out there clear across the USA. Then the juvenile interstate compact would bring her back to me. It was scary because he was on drugs (worse than when I was with him many moons ago)plus he was a drug dealer, and I knew it, but she wanted dad, and had to find out for herself. At age 14 she ran out there, w/ his help of purchasing a train ticket. When she got there she found herself cleaning up all his heroin needles out of the garage. When she called me and told me that crying, I was shocked, I never knew him to be on heroin, and for her to see that tore me up. But many years had past and he was into the harder stuff I guess. But she wanted dad. At 18ys old I couldn't keep her here any longer, she was smoking pot, and just being wild. The night she arrived to dads at 18 he was put in prison for 3 yrs, and thankfully she was able to mature during that time. She stopped pot, got her own apt, job, has a fiance, has a baby etc... Her dad has been out 2 yrs, and she can't stand him now. She says he will never see his grandson again. He got mad at her because he wanted pills and she new where to get some, and wouldn't get some for him....Then he called her every name in the book, and the grandbaby (my grandbaby 2 yrs old!!) every name in the book...is that sick or what. I knew eventually he would hurt my daughter, and now he's stooped lower than that, now my grandbaby.
My daughter is much stronger now. Now she understands what I tried to protect her from.

Unfortunately, sometimes they have to find out for themselves just like we did.

I hope your relationship w/ your children will be restored in the near future. I know how it feels to feel abandoned by the very ones you gave birth to also.

They'll be back. Don't you worry. You take care of you, take this time to meet new people. Go out and try to enjoy yourself. When we have all the family here we dream of being able to get out for a night. Then when they're gone we're left devastated because we have built our whole life around them, family, their accomplishments, schooling, etc... and it's hard to find something else to do. So I understand where you're at and I hope things get better.
I hope the kids will come to their senses and know that you miss them, and want to spend time with them. Do you think your daughter would be interested in a lunch date with you? It would be a start. You don't have to talk about problems or anything, just take the time to listen to her, get to know each other again. Rebuilding is the key and sometimes happens in small steps.

Blessings,
NH7

Neverwanted

I know I am not good at advice seeing where I am at personally....but please drop me a note if you need to vent. I can always listen. Im just not good at advice.

itisatruth

(((imallright))) Still thinking about you.....

beegee

I am sorry your feeling so left out,but your probably right he is letting them do what they want without any concequences so they love it.
Holidays are a tough time when your alone now for most of us. Because it is supposed to be such a fun loving time to share everything. I don't get out now like before so I don't see all that but I do know your kids will come to you when they need you in time. The waiting game is hard but it will happen. Sending hugs, your not alone.

rozied

Oh honey as long as theres life there is hope. I too watched as my ex remarried ( many yrs ago ) and had our 2 sons there with him at a big fancy reception. I sat in my car across the street crying as I spyed on them. It made me sick, he was the compulsive gambler who caused all the misery & here he was having this big wedding & I was alone.
The marriage didn't last a year.
Now he is 63, alone & only clean & sober since he was 58. Him & his 2nd wife got into drugs together & after they broke up he continued on with drugs by himself for years.
I remarried after enough time on my own to find myself. I was married 24 yrs this past Nov 2nd to a wonderful guy. So though it seems like the one who caused to trouble comes out on top it doesn't last.
Thank your HP for your health. If you are that lonely over the holidays go to a hospital, or to a soup kitchen and volunteer to help. I guarantee you will get more out of it than you give. Get the focus off yourself by helping someone less fortunate and you will feel alot better.
Don't wallow in self-pity, count your blessings.....you will see how much better you feel, it works everytime.
I don't know the whole story so if I said anything out of line ignore it
Hugs,
Diane

imallright

Trying to comfort and send support is never out of line. Thank you all, you are so sweet. You are right, I need to take care of me, but reach out and help others. Man, it's tough some days, I just want to enjoy life and take delight in the fact that I am healthy and able and alive. I pray to get there... there are so many others who are less fortunate than me. I need to keep reminding myself of the blessings and trudge on!!!!

barblsn

I have been alone for many holidays...my first husband was very sick toward the end of his life, spent an amazing amount of time the hospital, sometimes in a coma. And this husband was out using, and now in prison. I hear you; I would rather stay home, lying on my couch and staring at the ceiling than be around people. But, it did me NO GOOD!

So my advice is to take REALLY good care of your self, Be selfish and do those thing you've always wanted to do. Walk around your house stark naked. Eat standing at the fridge. Do your nails. Check out that little restaurant you were always curious about.

I celebrated my birthday alone yesterday. I went to church, got a pedicure, made myself a ginormous steak. I scheduled a facial for the day after thanksgiving so I'd have a little holiday treat.

It's about you, honey!

My other advice is to get to church! Join the women's group. I PROMISE there will be someone there who shares your story.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

MsPINKAcres

((IMALLRIGHT))

just another suggestion for help thru the holidays is to check with those people at your meetings - many of them are in the same situation or they choose to be away from dysfunctional families at holidays - so they have "recovery family" gatherings.

You may find the love, fellowship and acceptance that you are needing at those meetings to help you get thru the holidays.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita