ZombieWife

Today, I was sitting on the couch and RAH came and sat next to me, then put his head in my lap. He said, out of the blue, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all that I put you through in the past, but I wanted to tell you something else. I'm glad you never left me or gave up on me, that you stuck with me and didn't leave. I was worried that I made you stop loving me, but I've been trying hard to show you the man I was when I met you and that I'm back and that I love you."

It was such a small moment. I wasn't sure what prompted him to do this, but it was wonderful to hear. The last month has been great. We moved to another town (so I could have less of a drive to grad-school.) New people, new friends, none of the old baggage we had with old/questionable friends and people I knew who still got high on meth.

He hasn't fallen back into old habits. He doesn't sleep all the time. Things feel good now. And, that part of me that was destroyed, it's starting to mend again. I came across this quote online:

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." Ernest Hemingway

I feel like I've come to a place where I've finally found peace with it, where I have forgiven him as well.

I think there is hope, so please all, don't give up.

ZW

Freedom1990

I'm happy for you! :ghug :ghug

cassandra2

That is so wonderful for you. I am glad that you are finally getting what we all really want for our addicts.

I have a question for you. I left my addict because I couldnt take it anymore. Do you think that he will hate me because of that?

I noticed your RAH thanked you for NOT leaving. I am scared that we wont be able to rebuild. The kids are scared that he wont come back. How did you make it through?

greeteachday

Thanks for sharing your story and your hope. It makes me happy to read this.

Neverwanted

Im so glad you had that moment. Like a weight lessens a bit.

NeedingHelp7

It's good to hear of the progress of your marriage Zombie. I'm happy when I hear of those making it into recovery. Wonderful news! I'm truly happy for you.


NH7

Callie

Hate to be the naysayer of this bunch, but are you SURE in your feelings??? Just being honest, but this is the very same yoyo that I've ridden for many years. "They finally get it." Do they really? I know how much you want to believe. I know how much "I" want to believe. Not doubting you, but just tellin' it like it is from my perspective. I've BTDT. Heard the sweet talk, but it is the actions that were lacking.

I hope you don't take offense and I hope I'm wrong. This is just the first thing that popped into my head when reading this. My AH is an expert fisherman at reeling me in when he needs to, //// to keep me close. Hope that's not what's happening to you, but it's what I see in your writing, because I've written the same for YEARS. Hugs to you and I hope you don't take offense girl!

BBD

I'm so happy for both of you and hope things continue on a good path. Stories like that do make me believe there is "HOPE"!! hugs, Bonnie

ZombieWife

Well, first off I think all addicts are different. Mine wasn't the stay out all night/disappearing for days at a time, stealing money kind of addict. He has only slipped once since I first learned of his using. There wasn't any physical violence or such, but I was to the point with all the suspicions and everything that I truly felt like I didn't love him anymore--that he had killed all of those feelings within me. I was ready to go. I was just waiting for him to mess up, to give me that one more screw up. He never did. I'm not sure of your situation, so I can't say what you're going through.

But, the thing is, if he uses again he knows he's gone unless specific things happen (i.e. rehab, etc.) We have a child together and I will not put our child at risk, period. Furthermore, I won't be treated that way again--ever.

Mine stopped before he got to the lowest point. His "bottom" wasn't as far as some and he was able to project into the future enough to see what would happen if he did use again (lose his wife/child/home, etc.) I'm very thankful for that and I'm not trying to say that my RAH is better than others. Every situation is different.

As for you leaving, that's up to you. He hadn't pushed me to my breaking point. He almost did. Almost. But he didn't. If he had used again, he would be out until he could prove he was willing to be in recovery. And, honestly, he would have understood why I made that choice. "Leaving" in my mind meant that we would be separate until he was in recovery again, not "leaving" for good--though that would have happened if he slipped further, without a doubt.

I hope this is making sense. I don't think anyone would hate you for tossing him out. There is a difference between loving someone and removing yourself from the unhealthy, dangerous aspects of another's life and just up and going for no reason.

(hugs)

ZombieWife

Hmm, as I said in the post above, every addict and situation is different. I'm not offended that someone else has doubts. But, in living with him as long as I have, I had my finger on his "pulse" so to say when he did use. I knew when something was wrong, I just didn't know WHAT it was until I actually found my evidence a few years back. None of those red flags exist anymore. I don't necessarily think it's because I'm an expert (though I have a good eye for it,) it's that he's a pretty transparent person in that regard. That's not meant in a demeaning way, but he was obviously disturbed before and now he's not.

He talks openly about it whenever I have questions/comments/concerns. There's never any defensive attitude. He's even working on the quitting cigarettes and so forth. He's in a good place. So am I. We both are. There's ALWAYS the fear that he'll go back to it. That will never ever go away. And there's ALWAYS a chance he might, but . . . we'll cross that bridge if we get to it and I feel like things have been rebuilt and are open enough now that if he does slip, he and I will work through it together. The worst part, in all truth, was the rebuilding phase--at least for me. I felt like I was trying to water a dead plant. But, things started to happen again, to stir inside me. It's been so hard. I feel like someone's given me CPR. I'm breathing again, but you are never quite the same after something like that.

I think that's being realistic. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it and wonder. But, I can't be that person anymore. I can't be his mom. I can't worry all the time. I've let a lot of that go and it IS a huge weight gone.

I could be back in a year crying and typing that he's using again. I pray it doesn't happen, but if it does, I know I have some good support system here with all of you wonderful peeps.

8

I was just happy for the small moment. He had never said that to me before. He isn't the kind to pretty things up, to suck you in. He's not a man of many words. It just felt like he really gets it now, what it's done to me and our relationship, and I feel blessed that I am open to forgiveness and maybe have forgiven him.

I used to be so bitter about all that had happened. I had a list in my head of all the bad things he'd done and all the hurt he caused. Now, that list just doesn't matter anymore. It's just slipped away. I'm happy about that.

Callie

ZW - My apologies - I was confusing you with someone else here whose AH is /was in active addiction. Sorry about that. I'm happy for you and your AH. I'm happy that he didn't have to go as low as my AH did to "get it". I'm kind of in the same boat now. He is clean, he's in the process of going to counseling, meetings, has a sponsor etc. He does now somewhat "get it". My struggle now is my extreme resentment for everything he's put myself, my kids and my family through. I'll save that for another thread

I'm glad things are looking up for you guys! Sorry about the mixup. It's just that I see so many here hopeful, devastated and back to hopeful in the drop of a hat. I need to pay closer attention to screen names! Will send you a pm too...

ZombieWife

No reason to apologize! Even though things are going great, there IS always that fear. I think that's the cross we all have to bear in this forum and it will be with us for the rest of our lives. Whether or not you mixed things up, I think your statements are true for all of us in some form of fashion.

The resentment is the hardest for me as well, and we almost didn't make it through that. There were a lot of tears, a lot of fights, a lot of me cringing whenever he would touch me or want to be intimate because I was still so angry at him. And WITH the potential of our addicts returning to use, we never want to get 100% comfortable with them in recovery because if they go back, we'll feel like a fool.

I definitely wish you the best in yours. I'm glad yours in in recovery. Every day is a step toward the better, I think.

xoxo

:ghug

beegee

I think that was a huge moment for both of you. Men that don't talk usually don't bother to take the time for such a beautiul sorry. ((hugs)) I am happy for you both and your ability to know him so well and forgive with caution. I hope it will be a wonderful new beginning for you both.

ZombieWife

Thanks Beegee. I love your comment, "forgive with caution." That pretty much sums it all up, doesn't it?