drainedwife

I really feel that in some ways i am addicted to my ah.
I mean, yesterday he told me he was going to file for divorce...i did say ok, if thats what you want..but then i kind of was explaining myself for the reason he said he was going to file in the first place. In other words, i was sort of talking him out of it, without coming right out and saying it.
Why couldnt I just have said "fine" and walked away. I couldnt do that. I could not just let it go.
I still feel "bad" for him, "sorry" for him, and i thought i was over that.
I thought i was at the point where i felt worse for myself.

I do feel as though I cannot "let go". But I also think in some ways he makes it hard for me. He does want to be included in things...for instance i have a new friend...and he wants to meet her..he doesnt want me talking to people he doesnt know. (or is that control???, insecurity on his part?)he did say that if he met my friends than maybe he would feel better about himself...not sure what that means though..maybe just that it would feel like i care because i want him to meet my friends. He would never go for having "separate lives" and so it makes it hard in some ways to detach.

Anyway, does anyone have any good reading recommendations when it comes to being addicted to the addict???? or any good advice onthe subject???How do you work on that??? How can i build up my self-esteem and confidence???

Impurrfect

(((DW)))

I, too, was addicted to my XABF's...all 3 of them (I'm a slow learner). I had to go "no contact" with them. It's not much different than recovery from addiction...I had to change people, places, and things that I associated with crack...with the ex's I had to stop letting them call me, see me, etc. It just stirred up my feelings and kept me tied to him.

As far as him not wanting you to talk to people he doesn't know? Yes that is controlling and it is manipulation. If he wants a divorce, who you see and who you talk to is none of his business. He's really afraid that you will get a life without him (which you will, once you let him go). He simply wants his cake and eat it, too, in my opinion. Does he let YOU know everyone he talks to? I doubt it.

I'm sure others will be along with advice, but recovery from addiction to a person takes work and effort, just like recovery from a drug.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

lizw

The big book of the fellowship Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.
Another name for 'love addict' is relationship addict.
I've found the fellowship really helpful too.
It's great you have this awareness too.

BayAreaPhoenix

Drained. It is so hard.

My AH was never really interested in any friends I had, but from what and how you wrote - that particular thing sounded controlling, and then that comment that he might feel better about himself, etc. I heard manipulation - poor pitiful him, what can YOU do to help HIM feel better about himself?

For what it's worth, the day I said I wanted a divorce, my AH came out to me and said "believe it or not I sleep better if we cuddle". Well for 13 years he had either put a pillow between us or we'd had a dog between us, so when he figured out he slept better cuddled I'm not sure - but what I do know now, is it's another one of those, too little too late kind of things (and, it was just words!). Then later that day he said, "maybe I can get those pills" (at the time I didn't know about the addiction so I didn't know how ridiculous this statement was and for me it was already). I said what pills? He said those pills that help men, maybe that would give him the confidence to be better at ... Well, he hadn't been much interested in that with me, ever - he looked at porn consistently, and besides WHEN we did he was fine. But, by putting it that way, the whole reason he hadn't been a "biblical" husband much is because he lacked confidence "poor pitiful him". All so that I would stick around - keep his illusion of a "perfect" life in place.

It's been over a year since I said I wanted a divorce. It's been since Mid-june I've had my own place, it's been years that I've been waiting to leave my marriage. And, I still have moments - sometimes days, of missing what we did have. My therapist says it's part of the grieving process, and realistically when we discuss what it is I'm missing, it doesn't usually involve him too much, surprisingly.

We are addicted to our A's, and even when we're ready to give it up, I don't think it means the reflexes and reactions, years in the making, go away overnight.

IMO, the way you reacted to him filing for divorce, you reacted exactly how he wanted you to. It probably made him feel better in some way. Keep practicing not justifying and defending to him. You saw it yourself. If you feel like talking and explaining - try to walk away and do something else. It does take a while not to do that.

Self-esteen and confidence. I think you're doing it. Making new friends, just knowing what you know - keep practicing the new things you learn - "fake it 'til you make it" if you have to. You will get there! One step at a time!

For me, I make sure I take care of myself physically, as well as emotionally - so I try to walk, put on make-up most days, etc. When I run into friends and acquaintances looking put-together, I feel more conifident, and if I feel more confident then it starts building... some days are better than others.

Hugs to you

drainedwife

I think that even before his addiction, i was addicted to him. I depended on him too much....to make me feel safe, protected, happy.....i never really learned how to love myself and also how to depend on myself for these things.
So now that i realize what i really need to work on....how do i actually WORK on it??? i am gonig to meetings and reading the books...
what else can i do???

I also would love some recommendations for any books that you think would help besides SESH and Courage to Change, a day in alanon, etc.......

Live

Drained wife, WOW!!!!! I want to give you a hug! Do you realize how far you have come since you first came to this site.
I really hope you will give yourself some credit for that.

I think Amy explained things really well.

I, myself had the worst time letting go and leaving a relationship with addiction, abuse and control.

Good for you for all that work you have done and are doing. I read an awful lot, it helped. It has been a long time, but I will try to recall some that I found most helpful.
AHA.....please go out and get the book by Lundy Bancroft, the title is something about understanding him. It's a famous and great work. I will go find the title to it. There is another by Alice Walker, I think, that particularly resonated with me...again....I will have to go look these up for you. But they are both very powerful, well written and in my opinion a couple of the most helpful works out there. Both are available on Amazon.

As far as your response to him asking for a divorce, remember....that has been programmed into you for a long time and as a good friend once told me a mistake isn't a mistake if you learn from it.

live/Tena

BayAreaPhoenix

Great advice above! Also, a little thing; self-affirmations. They talk about it in different contexts all the time, but I do think it works. Everytime you find yourself thinking you "can't", "not good enough", anything negative - tell yourself 2-3 things good about yourself. You like your hair, you like your laugh, you look good in your jeans, you are a good neighbor, a good friend, whatever. No matter how small. After a while, you will find lots more things to remind yourself that are positive - keep it building! It's not being egotistical, it's learning to value and appreciate yourself!

Keep going is the main thing, you have come far already, just keep it going, you are SO worth it!!!!

splendra

Try replacing "he" for "I" and see what you get.

lightseeker

DW -

I hear you. Through a lot of introspection and searching I've discovered that what I have is a codendent "relationship" addiction. The book ESCAPE FROM INTIMACY really helped me a lot. Also, the big book of Sex and Love Addiction Anonymous has been helpful. Always, the return to Melody Beattie's books help me a lot too.

You are at a different place than you were when you came here - you still might feel attached to your addict but it is certainly in a different way. The more that I think about my husband and the "you are....." thoughts and then switch it around (like Splendra said) to "I am" the better that I do.

For me, this has been a very long process. I sure do wish that 4 years ago that I knew what I know now. I know that you are not supposed to regret the past or want to close the door on it but I am not there. I never would have guessed that the fabulous/wonderful love that I thought that I was experiencing was simply some sort of sick addiction to another person, drama, and chaos. Today, I find myself with absolutely nothing in common with my husband. I live with a man that is unable to truly participate in a relationship and is intermittantly the most unkind and cruel person that I know. Sometimes he is kind and loving but it's only after he has pushed me away. Oh well. I've lost all of my attraction to him and just wish that somehow he would magically disappear. I am tied up in a major financial situation with him that I just haven't figured out yet....on some level I must be hoping that he wll magically change and be different because I am not tryng to quickly figure out the finances. I think that I am just overwhelmed by it all.

I live by the creed "if in doubt, don't". I don't want to loose my credibility by not sticking to what I say I want (ie ending this relationship). My husband won't leave nor will he participate in a discussion re: how to untangle ourselves. So - it is all up to me and I keep getting pulled back in.

You are not alone. Progress not perfection. Thanks for sharing this!

Ajax

Drained-

I feel for you, though I have not experienced a relationship with an addicted partner. I have, however, recently ended an 18 year marriage that involved no abuse, just neglect. I never knew I had the courage to "change the things I could". I figured I had made my bed and would lie in it until I died. I can't tell you what did it for me because I think the turning point for everyone is different. I did decide that I was not going to end my life that way, though and with love and compassion, put an end to our life together.

A book that helped me and that I re-read and pass on to other women in doubt is Joan Anderson's A Year By The Sea. It also has a sequel, An Unfinished Marriage. She writes about her year on Cape Cod by herself, rediscovering what she wants, who she is, while her husband takes a teaching job which she has no interest in following him to. Her insight and strength is admirable. Made me realize that even unplanned changes in life can bring forth tremendous strength in people.

Good Luck keeping your head clear, DW. Marriage is tricky work. It can be like those cartoons where there is a piano perched percariously above your head (!) when it's bad, but when it's good, I truly believe there is nothing more magical available to us. We just have to realize how much of the magic is within our control...

drainedwife

thanks ajax.. im going to look up that book. Part of my problem is that i am scared to make a move because i am scared of his reaction. BUt i also know that i have to learn its ok to be scared, and Ill get through whatever it is that he throws my way.

cinderellawkids

Another great book is woman who love too much

Live

Speaking of self-affirmations, one of the most powerful tools I have is an excercise in breathing in deeply and evenly with the single focus "Compassion for myself". With the exhale, my focus is "Compassion for others"
It has nearly become a form of self-hypnosis. I have found the results astonishing.

The Alice Walker book title is "No visible wounds"

Please know that we are all pulling for you!

Neverwanted

A book that helped me - even though not about drug addiction - is Its Called a Breakup Because its Broken. AMAZING book.