winnie12

First - I admit i've done my share of drugs and at times in my life drank too much. I dont like to share the details of the drug history because I truly look at it as someone I used to be not who I am now. It doesnt matter to me who i used to be or what i have done because i'm not that person anymore. I dont know if i was/am an addict myself but i know the history in my family and i know that i could easily turn to that if i ever let myself fall into that so I'm very careful.

When I first realized that my AS had a problem, i constantly heard "you dont understand because you've never done them," "its no big deal," and other bs statements. So I made a decision and told my son that i did understand because I had been a part of that same lifestyle at one small period in my life. I then tried to explain to him how i got away from it - hoping to impart some wisdom and also to stop the lies coming my way. When i first told him it seemed to do some good and we really had a good talk but now i'm not sure. Cant take it back so i'm not sweating it but I know it will come up again as it always does besides it seems that it would do worse when he found out on his own and eventually he would have found out himself.

He has said that since I quit on my own he can too. Well yes i did but he's not willing to make the changes i did (primarily I changed friends, job, moved -started a new life). He always throws it in my face when he gets caught doing something - even though it was almost 25 years ago. He takes my past history and tells people that its my current history - has reported me to his PO even though i'm completely clean - I know and the court knows, it was just to distract from himself. They didnt believe him and wouldnt even drug test me even though i begged them to. Defacs came and they too dropped their case after talking to me for about 10 minutes - I found out later this is a common claim that kids in trouble with drugs/alcohol make. Blame the parents - the court/defacs has to check it out but doesnt always believe them. Thank goodness becuase his lie could have caused me to loose my daughter - I obviously was furious and it was weeks before i spoke more than a couple of words to him.

I do admit that when my husband left over a year that there was about a short period that i did drink a bit too much but i cleared my head and stopped that behavior quickly because i had too much to take care of supporting two kids on my own - in fact took every bit of alcohol out of the house and very rarely do i even have a sip. Not because i felt i had a problem but because he was drinking it. I had some boxes of liquor in my garage for about 4 years left over from a friends wedding - I never touched it but I found out he was polishing it off pretty quickly. I didnt want the influence around him and I didnt feel it was of any benefit to my life either - so down the drain it went - that was a defining moment of realizing i lived with an addict - i felt so cliche pouring liquor down the drain.

I know what my weaknesses are and I have learned how to keep myself away from things that can derail me. Choice of friends, places I go, substances around me. My son thinks I'm just a big hypocrite now even though all of his life he never saw any substance abuse from me or even suspected that his mom had ever done drugs - he thought I was a prude up until the time i told him. He sees his AD (his hero of course) who always has something going on - tons of friends over, partying all night and says I have no life. I dont go out or have lots of friends coming and going because i find it easier to keep my life in order when partying and lots of traffic in my home are not a part of the picture. He obviously cant see the correlation between how i choose to live and the fact that I'm clean and his Dad isnt.

So for those that have their own history - do you experience them throwing it back in your face and how do you deal with that?

Thank you all so much for this board - I wish i had found it a year ago when my troubles started.

Impurrfect

(((Winnie)))

I don't have kids, so can't help much there. I do live with my niece, but so far she has only "experimented" and will listen to ME more about drugs than anyone else because she saw what they did to me.

I'm sorry he can't see the big picture, but hopefully others will be along with some ES&H.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

hope213

i can not help you here either. my son is my addict also. i think you did the right thing by telling him about your history. it is his chioce how he wants to interept it just as it is his chioce to use. he will come around when he decides he wants to get clean. i am sorry u r going thru this. keep coming back.prayers,

HurtingDad

I know when my AS asked me at about 12 yrs old (before his addiction) if I had ever used drugs, I paused and said "Yes in college". However he never brought that up to me as an excuse for his addiction.

I have moments when I blame myself for his addiction...what could I have done differently....was it because of the divorce, but I have to say 99.9 percent of the time I feel blameless.
Took some time to get to that point.

Sounds like you're walking a good path right now -- through changes you made. Hopefully your son will get to the same place.

Prayers and angels to your and your family.

Ladybugg

It seems he will have to find out on his own, and possibly the hard way, weather he can quit when he wants to. He will probably have to do that anyway and it doesn't matter that he was told the truth about your past. I think our addicts can sense things that we feel a little guilty about, or our weaknessess. They use those things to their advantage. It seems you are a good example to him. Stay strong...Hugs

hello-kitty

I focus only on what I can control - myself. my behavior. my reaction to other peoples behavior.

I can't change my past. I can't change what other people do. I can't change how other people react to me.

As long as I keep my side of the street clean now, I'm not concerned with what an active addict thinks or says about me. As long as I continue to make wise choices, they can quack all they want.

winnie12

I smile everytime i see your "quacks"

sleepygoat

This only happened in the very beginning of my AD's crack use and right after we threw her out for stealing. she told the whole damn neighborhood and anyone who would listen about my past!! This sort of thing is normal - they are so angry and blame anyone and everyone.

But it didn't last long. Now she relies on me for understanding and support when she wants to try to get clean. her attempts have failed but I know she still sees me as an example and she knows I understand her as only another addict can. I take her to NA meetings whenever she is open to going. She is also quite protective of my recovery - hiding her drugs from me and not using in front of me when we see each other or when I take her to the clinic for lab work, etc.