Abundance

numb and angry on the outside.........

My guy brought heroin into the home tonight!!!!!! He has smoked it countless times...... and is getting things packed and ready for our trip back east. HE *KNEW* that it was going to be okay - because he *KNEW* I would tolerate it because we are going back east to see his family ..... which we will be leaving for the airport in a couple of hours. I am so livid angry and hurt and sad.....

His parents have treated us ALL to a visit out there. My boys have been excused from school...... my oldest is doing a state report on where we are visiting....... and HOW CAN I CANCEL IT without hurting my boys?

I am disgusted.... I am ashamed ..... I am livid. *THIS* is an all time LOW!

However, it's not like it's much different than oxy..... oxy IS heroin..... just a different form.

SO..... that is my update........ how are you all doing?????

#(&$%(*%$&##%($&*

Abundance

I am disgusted..... I am angry..... and I SO BADLY want to cancel this trip! I don't even want to go. I don't even want to be around the loser that he is right now. The boy's alarms go off in 20 minutes..... meanwhile he is smoking and smoking it...... so he can get rid of the "rest" of it. I've been up all night..... there is no way I can sleep...... and well..... of course he has been up all night.

He came home tonight from the store with an ipod for me. I don't even want it. I WANT NOTHING from him.

Have I mentioned just how disgusted I am? I am LIVID!!!!!!!

Up until about an hour ago..... I just kept thinking...... I WILL NOT GIVE POWER TO HIS ADDICTION........ and here I am totally livid and angry..... and I'm doing it!

Ya know what though folks? I am mad at myself! I am mad for believing that he was different. For believing or thinking that our love was stronger than addiction! For honestly thinking that *THIS* would never happen!

helpus

(((abundance))) You are not giving power to his addiction. You are putting the kids before him. Breath...have a good time with the boys. You can't controll him, so let that part go for now & make the best of it. That is pretty neat that your son gets to do a reprt on the stare your visiting. He must be so excited.

rozied

Dear Abundance, I am so sorry your husband disrespected you, and your family so much as to bring heroin into your home. You have every right to be livid & angry. Addiction is addiction though & once a person is addicted they don't consider anyone else's feelings when they want to get high. I don't know how long you have been coming to SR but if you read the posts you will see addicts are very selfish people. When they want to get high they only think of themselves.
Try to put it aside as you go on this trip for your own sake & your children's sake. You can decide how you want to deal with it once you get home. Do his parents know about his addiction?
Have a safe trip & try to enjoy it,
Diane

Impurrfect

((Abs))

Sweetie, go on your trip and focus on the boys. This is a big deal to them. Focus on fun things to do with them. Your bf is going to be miserable, coming down off of heroin, so let him be miserable by himself.

When you get home, I hope you realize it is getting really, really bad, really, really fast. I truly hope this is YOUR bottom because he is now abusing a very dangerous drug...IN your house with your kids. Let him go.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Ann

Please pack yourself and double check your luggage. If he tries to take drugs with him and hides them in your suitcase, you could be in serious trouble.

Sweetie, you don't have to live like this. Maybe take this time to make a better plan for yourself. And maybe start going to a few meetings. I promise they will help.

Hugs

Stubborn1

Definitly go on that trip and have a wonderful time. Fake it till you make it. Maybe let him know things are going to change when you get back. Then follow through with your plans. Have a great time but give him the cold shoulder.
If you get your hands on the dope then flush it. I couldn't control my husbands use of anything but whatever I found I made it more difficult That's just the meaness in me. lol
Have a blast........for you and your kids.

Abundance

WOW..... I'm on the airplane and there is internet access! Plane leaves in 6 minutes.

The boys are SO excited!!!!

Ya know what is really hurting me THE most......

that my boys love him so much...... and he is just being so kind and light hearted with them.... and I'm being this quiet sullen person. SO- he gets high and then shows my boys total and utter falseness. It makes me ill.... and I can't even say anthing.

I'm wondering what his come down is going to be like... what a dumb sh!t... i have no respect. I can't even look at him without feelings of disgust. I'm sorry -I know he has a disease... and that he is an addict..... but geeeeeeeezus..... HEROIN??????? WHAT?????? I've never seen it before.... I've never ever intended to ever see it..... and i did.... and my boys were home!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE WAS HEROIN IN MY HOME first of all....... AND my boys were home as well!!!!!!!!! WTF???????????????????

Well...... he finally gave me it all ..... and i ripped up the all the foil in little pieces...... and then drenched it in water.... and threw it out. And broke the pipe thing. SO DISGUSTING.

Ya know..... I'm a pretty cool chic..... I really am. But black tar heroin......... OH NO> NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ......

I can't even think about it without having a curled lip.

Honestly........ if looks could kill....... he'd be dead 10 times over.


THanks guys for reading and for caring....... we have to close our tech stuff now.Wish us a safe flight please.

Peace xoxoxoxo

baxter

Aw, that really is low! Hope you can stay cool for the boys so their trip isn't ruined. Again, it's left to us to make it okay for the kids while the addict goes on their merry way, but you can do it.

Like those before me said, hope you can use some of this time to make some plans.

Good luck and have a good time, you deserve the best.

Chino

Wishing you a safe flight and a few days of relaxation.

Is there any way you can leave him there with his family? That was said mostly in jest and I thought about it a couple of times when my daughter was on trips with us

BayAreaPhoenix

Abs - Unacceptable behavior. Ditto all of the above, especially enjoying the time with your boys, and also using some of this time to really think about when you get home.

(((hugs)))

Bernadette

Hi Abundance-
If you become lighthearted and merry and have fun, starting in this moment, on this trip, do you think it will signal "approval" to your bf? Do you think it will mean you are sending him a signal that everything is A-OK? I ruined many a perfectly fine event by holding onto my resentment and my mistaken belief that my allowing myself to be in a good mood would somehow send a signal of approval to my exH. And oh how stubbornly I could not let that happen.

The only person I hurt by that behavior was myself, and my kids.

Because it made ABSOLUTELY no difference to him whether I was a b**ch or or in a good mood. It never ever ever ever ever changed anything!!! Never led to one iota of change in him!! It only made me miserable!!! I could have been screaming mimi or laughing lunatic - he was not going to change until he chose to change. Period.

When I came to see that I absolutely have no control over anyone besides me, that I had no business deciding that the way I wanted him to be was the way he should be, when I truly ACCEPTED him for what he REALLY was I stopped being the b**ch on wheels I had become "because" of the things HE did.

Also in my case once I ACCEPTED him as he was, in REALITY, and the REAL impact he was having on my life and as a relationship role model for our kids, I had to leave him. Out of dark denial and into the sunshine!! And it hurt like hell. But for me & my boys it has proven the right thing to do, no question.

Your bf is handling his own life the way he chooses. He chose to bring heroin into your home with two small children. He is now high on heroin around your children. This doesn't really demand that you now have a lousy trip - your emotions can be kept in check - but it seems serious enough that you might choose taking some action - instead of letting all that energy dissipate into "reaction" and then nothing changes. The choice is YOURS.

Make sure you are choosing how you want to be around your children and not letting your choices be limited by your reactions to his addiction.

Hope you have a fab time. The past is gone; you are free in this moment!
Peace,
B.

Callie

Great post B! I agree with everything everyone has said. Hopefully this is YOUR bottom and he doesn't sweet talk his way back in during this trip. That was a very low and deceiving thing to do. Very bad and I'm sorry. It's amazing just how low addiction can take everyone. Hope your trip is well. I too know all too well about being a bit&^. All the while AH is the fun one, lighthearted, playful one with them. It's a bad situation to be in and it's not fair to you to be put in it.

hello-kitty

Abs. Enjoy your trip with your kids.

I just don't get it. I sure as heck wouldn't have got on an airplane with my bf while he was high on heroin or gone anywhere with him. Basically that would have been a violation of my number one boundary.

I will not be around people on drugs or who I suspect are on drugs. Either you leave or I will.

I don't care how much drama it causes or how much of bitch my son thinks I am because of it.

No drugs. No way. End of discussion.

hello-kitty

This is the LAMEST excuse in the book. He has a disease. And he is chosing not to get better. And why should he. It's not like he faces any really consequences when he uses. Sure you get mad. You make threats. But he knows how to work it. He's as slippery as a greased up pig.

MrsMagoo

Sweetie

I'm so sorry. I KNOW the devastation you are feeling and I believe that I too would have a difficult time slapping on the happy face, even for my kids, but you must try.

You have to deal with this when you get home and back to reality and back to his hook-ups. You are not tied to this guy and you know the drill. Didn't he just get out of an extensive rehab not too long ago? Look out for you and your kids. When I think about my AH having drugs in the house and using dope it makes me pure sick to my stomach too.

Keep us informed when you can.

:praying

marle

Just be careful. My daughter is an opiate addict and the thing that they fear the most is withdrawals, so I would guess he has a stash with him somewhere or knows how and where to get more. My daughter would never have gone on a trip without making sure she had plenty of heroin to get her through. Hugs, Marle

jerect

((((((((Abundance))))))))))

Abundance

We are home (as of late last night)...... and had a very busy time and a good time too. Although - there were times of anxiety (for me).... remembering what a nightmare that night was. I think I'm still in shock that it even went down. It's absolute absurdity to me.

We had maybe a 20 minute talk about it and that was a few days into our trip. We were so busy and truly never had time to even discuss it. Anyway - what is there to discuss?

He made an appointment with the addiction specialist today - and he goes in tomorrow to start on bup. After all I have read on here, I am advocate of the BUP - mainly because of the depression antidote. (Yes, I know it's not FDA approved for treating depression).

Thank you everyone for wishing us safe travels and for us to have a good time. His family is lovely - the excursions were wonderful - and we were extremely busy. The Jewish New Year - Rosh Hashanah was also a really cool experience. Acknowledging repentance ..... the fortunes / misfortunes .... etc.

I start my new job on Monday - and I'm going to be using it as a tool to focus more on me and less on him...... and of course to help me with my screwed up financial situation. AND to get medical insurance - (boys have it via their father)....... but I do not.

So - that is the latest...........

Peace xoxoxo

marle

Suboxone really has helped my daughter stay away from the opiates without going into a depression. I really hopes that it works for him. I am glad that you had a great time and that you are back home, safe and sound. Good luck on your job. I think nowadays with all the crap that is happening in our country, most of us could use a little financial help Hugs, Marle