drainedwife

I went to a group last night for women contemplating divorce..It was nice to talk about my issues with a group. ALthough their situations weren't as dire as mine, they could sympathize and offer suggestions.

On the way there my ah called me to tell me that i am going "outside the marriage" for emotional support (i didnt tell him what the support group actually was about) and also that by me going I am unavailable to the kids....After a while of him yelling at me for this, I told him he should be supportive of me if I need a support group to deal with this, and he should tell me he'll support me. I told him all he thinks about is himself and he is an unsupportive husband....that quieted him down. And then he said "I keep asking what can I do?" and I told him, ive been telling you for years to get help and stop using...... thats when the craziness started that is all too familiar to us all.
The I can stop, I have stopped, I dont need help..and oh yeah, how's this one..." you just want to see me in pain.....you know it is painful for me to go to talk to someone so that's the only reason you want me to go, so that I am in pain and suffering"....and then it won't help..i dont crave it, i dont think about it all day.....and on and on....Its a waste of time and money....blah blah blah...
So i have come to realize that it is a hopeless case with him..i screamed at the top of my lungs to him on the cell phone "Im sorry that you dont care if dyfis comes and takes away the kids!!!" He told me Im amplifying everything, that i need something to do during the day, ......
At the end of our conversation he said he would go for help...but i agree with you all in that it will be half hearted if he in fact does go, and that it will take no short of miracle if it were to work. He will never be 100% honest either.
So now I have a decision to make...rather i have decided that to stay in this marriage I must be insane because it will drive me insane...so now I have to plan on how I am going to get the courage to get out and what steps am I going to take to get me there. Dear HP----please lead me to peace.
Just one question to you all--has anyone ever talked to their priest/rabbi, etc. about this problem and what did they tell you??


thanks SR friends...
Thank you for this outlet...

HopeandPrayer

Drainedwife, I am sorry that your AH tried to take the joy out of your meeting last night.

IMHO, if you are not in counseling, start. Then contact a lawyer, the first consultation is usually free, and get some advice as to what you need to protect you and your kids. Their are alot of groups out there that will help you plan for your future. The group you mentioned might be a great place to start.

Also, if it were me, I wouldn't answer the phone when he calls the next time you are doing something for yourself. Enjoy your time alone and let him take care of himself.

Hugs to you and praying you find the help you need, maybe someone else has better suggestions than I do.

Barb

hello-kitty

Hey honey. You make me so proud - reaching out for some support like that. You keep doing what you are doing to get the help you need. That womens group sounds like it is helping you feel a little more empowered and turn a corner. Of course your husband is trying to keep you from seeking outside support. It will make you stronger and that is the last thing he wants.

You know what worked for me when my ex tried to manipulate me and keep me from getting help? When he would yell at me, argue with me and try to control me, I would just smile and nod my head and walk away. Tell him you are getting help for your problems so that you can be a better person.

Don't mind him. He's just quack-quack-quacking. He doesn't want his little world upset. He wants to continue to use in peace.

Notice how he's trying to make it all about him.

I'm afraid things might get a little bit worse as he gets more and more desparate to try and control you. But you just keep right on doing what you are doing because you are on the right path.

Hugs!

imallright

Kitty... I love that you could nod your head and walk away... what about when the kids start..."it's all your fault", "Dad's not using anymore, so why can't you be together", you need to "chill out" you are too strict. Dad doesn't get on us and we do what he wants".... that's right Dad with the drug problem.... then what???? How do I survive my kids anger????

Impurrfect

Unfortunately, the kids don't really understand, yet. They like being with dad because he's "fun" and doesn't make them follow the rules (from what you said). Although I know it's hard, and it hurts, being the stable, consistent parent is the right thing to do.

I remember, when I was younger, mom and dad had an argument, dad bought her roses and I got mad at her because she was still mad...I said "but he SAID he was sorry!!" I didn't have a clue. It didn't take me getting too much older to understand that "sorry" didn't make everything immediately better.

Although I don't have kids, I have a 15-year-old niece who lives with us. She gets really mad at me because I will call her on her crap, but she will also tell anyone that "Amy ALWAYS has my back". I try to be the consistent voice of reason with her, and even though she doesn't like it at the time, she is learning.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

rozied

Dear DW, I was so happy to see you went to that meeting. Of course he is going to give you a hard time cuz when you change and/or get stronger either he is going to have to change or it might be over. He likes/loves the status quo & you are right you are going to be the one who goes crazy.
Keep on keeping on, you are making progress.

hello-kitty

Hi Drained. I have to nod and walk away from my ex because he's a drug addict. He only has his best interests at heart. I have to protect the best interests of the family.

As far as the kids go, you can tell them that.

"I'm your mom. Just because your father and I are having problems doesn't mean that we don't both love you. I love you very much. I know more about the situation than you do and I am protecting the best interest of the family."

And stick with that line no matter what they say.

I took a parenting class the other week and they gave me the best advice. If your kids start to argue with you about your answer or start to push you just say,

"I love you too much to argue with you."

And walk away. And if they persist repeat it over and over. Your message will be consistent. And they will eventually get it.

There are great books out there about this. One of the ones I have is "How to say it to kids" and "How to say it to teenagers".

I really recommend them. They are organized by the kind of problem you are facing so you can just skip to the good part.

It might work with your husband as well. For now...

"I love you too much to argue." and then walk away. In your head you can be thinking "I LOVE MYSELF too much to argue. :-)

hello-kitty

hey drained. one more thing. have you ever had a customer service job where people just ream you for things that you did or things that other people did or they aer just plain abusive because they are having a bad day? Like being a cashier or a waitress or a customer service rep on the phone?

A good customer service rep just smiles and nods and takes the abuse. But they don't say anything or argue back. They just let the customer talk til they are blue in the face and they empathize with their problems. Then when the customer runs out of breath they just walk away.

That's how I win with an annoying abusive customer and that's how I win with my ex as well. After all, it really doesn't matter WHAT he says. He's just a drug addict. Poor fella. Can't handle his life.

That's kind of how I approach my relationship with my ex.

atalose

Way to go drained!! I am proud of you, it’s not easy reaching out but you did and seem to have started a new page in your book of life.

Of course he’s not going to want you to seek help or support outside of the marriage because he won’t be able to control that. You are upsetting his apple cart. It was very low of him to say you were unavailable to the kids, what kind of availability does he offer while he’s high?

You keep doing what you need to do for you and those kids.

Let him quack all he wants about getting help, actions not words make the truth.