wifeofpinocchio

Is there some kind've link as to why? He has been in the mortgage business for years and this whole past year, my mortgage is not paid and I've never seen him not 1 time even look for a job? He is down to partying about 1 or 2 days at the most a week, compared to when he had $, he partied at least 4 out of 5 days.

How can he be accustomed now and comfortable with no income?

Any insight into this is appreciated. I'm so confused as to why he won't get a job or even try and his mother keeps paying for his cellphone bill, truck payment and gives him $ here and there. I pay utilities and other bills, but the expensive mortgage payment is too steep for me..

Thanks!

hello-kitty

Welcome. I don't have any answers for you except for to keep reading and posting here.

Your husband sounds like he's getting his basic needs met right now without having to lift a finger. Why should he change. He's satisfied and unfortunately, you'll probably never figure out why. But even if you were able to figure out why, you wouldn't be able to change the fact that he is who he is and you can't change him or make him be more than what he is right now.

But you can focus on you and making sure that you are taken care of, and getting your needs met, and that you are satisfied with your level of existence with him. Change has to start with you. :-)

Good luck with that house payment. That really really sucks. I hope you have made a back up plan.

Tryingtobefree

Hello and welcome. This is my first post even though I've been reading these boards for over a year (I'm ashamed to admit). Your situation is eerily similar to mine and I can't understand it either. I think that Hello Kitty is right when she says his basic needs are being met so he's not really going to worry about it because that's what is happening here.

TTOSBT

Welcome to SR!
If you don't mind me asking, what is his "partying"?
And is he sober the other days of the week?
Why hasn't your house been foreclosed upon?
Yup, you need a plan for you. Doesn't sound like you are part of his plan right now??

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!

Kitty is right...as long as he is getting his way, he has no reason to change. I'm a recovering addict, and if I hadn't been forced to face my consequences, I would still be using. Thankfully, my family let me fall on my face, because that's exactly what I needed.

This is an awesome place with tons of support, so get comfortable, read some posts, and you'll realize you are not alone.

((Trying)) - I lurked for about a year, too...don't be ashamed. We're glad you're here!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

wifeofpinocchio

by partying, I mean rum&coke he drinks until wasted and he also tries to hide from me his "cocaine" problem which he denies even though 1 week before I delivered our 3rd child (on april 6, 2008), I was dilated and he made up a lie left the house around lunch time and at 2:15am I got a call from his friend at a local bar that he was about to be lifeflight to a pittsburgh hospital because "dudes kicked the s***t out of him and split his head open"...I called family and rushed to hospital (I knew he would've been who started the right) and as his head was half shaved off and stapled together to stop the bleeding, his mother went through his jean pockets and found $400 (but his mom gave him $50 that day that he asked for milk, bread and gas, which he got none of those). I then noticed a bag of cocaine fall from his jeans. I later learned my husband argued over cocaine in the bathroom and beat up a guy pretty bad, later he kept beating the guy up, i i was told a few of them stepped in. His mother continues to sneak and give him $ behind my back all the while he has paid nothing this entire year in this house. She runs and buys formula, feeds him and the kids...I even had to boil water for a couple months because my gas got shut off and i needed my hot water tank fixed. (the house he bought us in 2006 was over $350,000) which he paid it that whole time until this mortgage business took a dive. I filed for child support but i have a hearing Monday and will they even consider any of this being that we are in the same household? We are on the same deed so i legally can't get him out, but i don't know what is going to happen when the foreclosure notice comes because I need him to have to help financially support these children. I will be fine if I can get support. My Jeep is paid off next month. I also work 2 jobs...Sorry this story is sooo long...If anyone knows how Domestic Relations works, please let me know. Because I will cancel if I'm going to look like a fool cause we are in the same house. I'm afraid of me&my kids being on the street. I can't live with his mother because even thoughI get along with her, she constantly babies him and sticks up for everything he does. She even tells me "he is trying to get a job???"..I check his websites. he never has even gone online lookingfor a job...He is all talk about starting up this business or that, but his credit is AWFUL...

wifeofpinocchio

Oh by the way, i gave my sister about $1500 of mine so far. I'll be closing on a house myself this month and can give her another $1000. I work my other job as steady income and I've been trying to start floating $ for emergency (1st months rent and security deposit) in the meantime. My husband says that when i go to Domestric that since he don't work , and I do work, that I'll have to pay HIM?

wifeofpinocchio

oh, i think right now with the mortgage crisis, George Bush had stepped in and is trying to rescue homeowners from foreclosure (if this had happened last year, it wouldn't go past 3 months). We do not quality for loan modification (which is what they are allowing now) because I would have to fax them my pay stubs (which I have) and also his paystubs to show that Ican afford this house. He has known all year that I need paystubs of his to be considered for loan modification. He has been in the mortgage business for years??? so why on earth he is watching everything go is beyond me. He has always been this type of person. Talking to him does nothing.

littlebird77

He could be selling... Not as a full blown drug dealer. THe people he hangs with probably do the same thing. He may make the runs for them and takes a cut from that.

outtolunch

Please consult an attorney, right away. Pennsylvania is an equitable distribution state. Under the law, all property acquired during marriage, regardless of whose name it is in, is part of the marital estate and is subject to equitable distribution, upon divorce.

wifeofpinocchio

that's what i'm thinking that he is doing "some running" but not as a full blown dealer. because how else could he turn $50 into $400 and he even partied all day. He has once in a while, sometimes 1 day a week, where he tells me he is going to Pittsburgh and he always is vague where he is going, always a lie. He was nothing like this when I met him. (or I surely wouldn't have dated him or anything). I've wasted all these years wanting him to be the person he WAS. Yes, the majority of the guys he hangs with, make good $, dress nice, are nice looking, but do cocaine. (I've heard this through everyone ELSE the past years). They all know I'm against it, so its kind've like a secret. My husband is the one that gets out of control though when our, starts arguments, fights from time to time, etc. The others never appear wasted. He even has a mark on his cheekbone today because he went down his buddies house last night right down the road drinking. He told his sister they were playing football? (he's not 1 bit active in sports) All his friends gamble, place bets, you name it

wifeofpinocchio

outtolunch- he got cash back on this house when we bought it since he's in the mortgage business. At the time, he told me he got $30,000 back, so we owe more now than what it is worth. He took out the loan for $370,000, but now he changes stories to me on how much cash he got back? Legal-Aid told me today to call them once I get the foreclosure notice? Can I get child support with my situation? Legal-Aid said foreclosure was a separate issue and I told her that I thought the law was that parents had to help with the financial support of their children and he hasn't paid a dime and we will be in the street if I don't file for support now with as long as it will take for Domestic to get on him to get a job. If anyone knows what I should do, please let me know! Thanks!

outtolunch

I am confused.

You are in an upside down situation on your current home, owing more than it is worth, right now.

You are expressing concern about being homeless and how you do not want to live with your MIL.

You also said that you are "closing on a home, this month". I assumed this meant you were buying another house.

I am assuming your name is on the loan documents for the current house and you signed them. Have you read the documents? You can also call the lender and find out the details, for yourself. You will then know how much cash back he got and spent. Does it matter, at this point?

The foreclosure situation is indeed another matter and probably the least of your concerns at the moment.

You need an attorney to get a court order requiring him to pay child support. Such an order however, will not guarantee he will get or keep a job.
Maybe it will help the situation. Maybe not.

I feel so sad that you or anyone finds themselves in this situation.

wifeofpinocchio

outtolunch, I'm sorry I probably am sounding confusing. I am a realtor (but that business hasn't been going too well either). I am the listing agent on a house that will close the end of the month. (I work another job full time to bring in steady income)

Yes, my name is on the loan for the current house (since his credit score was bad, and now mine is ruined).

Yeah, It does matter to me at this point what he got back because he blew it.

I know in PA if they don't pay for an extended period, some people do go to jail. He is a manipulator and liar so he will try anything to get custody. (I'm hoping a few of his fines he has gotten for fighting in bars could help me).

wifeofpinocchio

Oops..I just noticed my "typo error"..I meant to type that it doesn't matter to me about how much $ he got back. LOL...Its early this am. I think i need my coffee...lol

baxter

I know years ago I couldn't get support if we lived in the same house. He never paid support when he was gone either so it didn't matter. I love it when the smooth talkers of ours think they can get custody. When my first AH threatened it I knew it was just that, a threat. What in the heck would he want with two girls with him dragging him down? I told him I wouldn't fight it, there was nothing that would please me more than to be able to start each day on my own, not have to worry about babysitters, kids being sick and so on, and that every other weekend we could just have fun. He never mentioned it again. I knew he never stood a chance. He never worked either. But that's another story.

Same with paying him support. For what? Does he mean some kind of alimony? If he's physically capable of work, it shouldn't happen. I have found out 401K's and the like sometimes have to be split.

As far as not caring what happens sounds like he's either being vindictive or he really just doesn't care and wants out himself. I'd be contacting an attorney first to see what your options are. It's a tough one, hang in there.

Momsrainbow

I was in the mortage loan business all my life in the Chicago area. Drugs and booze were always part of the scene. When I got a loan through in record time here would come a realtor with a huge bag of coke. I didn't do drugs and told them to bring me a big bag of White Castles. Did he do drugs when business was good. I have a friend in Chicago who has not seen a loan in 6 months-but she can afford to wait it out. She says no jobs in Chicago, she has done banking since she was 17.

If there is an FHA or VA office he might be able to get in there. You do not have to be a vet to work for them.

Being a realtor you must have a lawyer friend that you could discuss you problems with? You really do need to contact an attorney.

laurie6781

My suggestion get you and the children out of there. Yes it's going to put a big dent in your credit, but over time that will change.

Being in the reality business, you know that many times, probably more so now than before, homes come on the market and can be purchased on a land contract, where the seller holds the paper. Being in the business you would be one of the first to find one that would fit for you and the children down the road.

As to his paying support, doubtful if he's not working, however, the court can still order support, and in time the state will come down on him.

You really need to look out for YOU and the children. You can't change him, only he can do that, focus on YOU. Try some Alanon or Naranon meetings for YOU.

Keep posting here, we do care. Many of us have been where you are now or are where you are now.

Love and hugs,

wifeofpinocchio

Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate all of the support here.

Momsrainbow- funny you mentioned chicago because not only did my husbands best friend own a mortgage business in pittsburgh, but had opened one in chicago a couple years ago. I flew there with him back then. The business didn't last. All the people I work with at least at my workplace, seem pretty normal and don't appear to live in the fast lane. My AH has always worked with younger, single "partiers" and when he did make $, he went to work about 11am, by noon he was out to lunch, back to work for a couple hours and "claiming to be meeting someone by probably 5pm (but really drinking in a bar). I actually am beginning to think he isn't even capable of working a job where you are responsible, go in at a set time, put in a full days work, etc. I'm sure there are a lot of hardworking business people out there, but my AH got too spoiled working for his friends all these years.

I still am debating that hearing monday...wish i'd just hit the lottery