The worst happened
watching the clouds roll away
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: bliss
Posts: 87
The worst happened
I used to write on these boards all the time. They really helped me to end an unhealthy relationship of 6 years. Since then I have gone on to get healthy myself (more self-confident, making healthier choices for my life, even getting in a stable relationship), so thanks to everyone who was here at that time and everyone who has supported others on these boards.
It has been more then 3 years since I broke up with my ex (his name was Mike) and I have not seen him since that time. But we have stayed in touch and I was able to move past what had happen between us, and have a loving friendship (via the phone) with him with a lot of boundaries.
3 weeks ago I spoke with him. He sounded so good. The best I had heard him sound in years. Completely clean for 7 months. Strong, smart, alive -- wonderful. And then today his brother called and told me he had died. Overdosed -- was found with white powder by his nose and a rolled up dollar bill by his body. Gone.
I am so sad. I always loved him, through everything and only left him because I needed to preserve myself. He was wonderful. So creative, he could copy old master paintings with ease, he read and read, loved chess, loved his dog, loved me. He was kind and gentle and broken. And he tried so hard to beat this disease. I don't know -- I lost my best friend (to lupus) one year ago and now I've lost someone who I spent six years of my life with and I'm only 33. I feel so scared, alone and sad. Like what is the purpose of all this? Why do we have to lose everything we care about?
I don't know. Just thought of these forums as soon as it happened and thought I would write.
It has been more then 3 years since I broke up with my ex (his name was Mike) and I have not seen him since that time. But we have stayed in touch and I was able to move past what had happen between us, and have a loving friendship (via the phone) with him with a lot of boundaries.
3 weeks ago I spoke with him. He sounded so good. The best I had heard him sound in years. Completely clean for 7 months. Strong, smart, alive -- wonderful. And then today his brother called and told me he had died. Overdosed -- was found with white powder by his nose and a rolled up dollar bill by his body. Gone.
I am so sad. I always loved him, through everything and only left him because I needed to preserve myself. He was wonderful. So creative, he could copy old master paintings with ease, he read and read, loved chess, loved his dog, loved me. He was kind and gentle and broken. And he tried so hard to beat this disease. I don't know -- I lost my best friend (to lupus) one year ago and now I've lost someone who I spent six years of my life with and I'm only 33. I feel so scared, alone and sad. Like what is the purpose of all this? Why do we have to lose everything we care about?
I don't know. Just thought of these forums as soon as it happened and thought I would write.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
bluerskies
I am so sorry to hear this news. It is always our worst nightmare.
I can see from your post that you did love and appreciate the wonderful things about him. When this type of thing happens, it is just sad.
Prayers for your grief - may you find peace and acceptance with time.
I am so sorry to hear this news. It is always our worst nightmare.
I can see from your post that you did love and appreciate the wonderful things about him. When this type of thing happens, it is just sad.
Prayers for your grief - may you find peace and acceptance with time.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I could offer more than just condolences and support. I understand the pain of losing a loved one to this dreadful disease. Just know we are walking with you and please accept my sincere condolences.
watching the clouds roll away
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: bliss
Posts: 87
Thank you all so much for your thoughts. They mean a lot. I so wish at this moment I could talk to him. I really had to keep somewhat of a distance with him in order to keep strong boundaries so there was a lot I didn't say to him.
I just wish right now, I could dial his number and he would pick up and I could say thank you for the good things.
I just wish right now, I could dial his number and he would pick up and I could say thank you for the good things.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((bluerskies))
I'm so sorry. I know that this hurts terribly. I noticed some things in your post, that as I read, I said a silent thank you prayer, thank you HP that this woman got to hear him, normal sounding. Thank you that she got to have a good (but distant) friendship, when so many are left with only bitterness. Thank you HP, that she knew this man, loved him, and was loved by him.
Even with this awful disease, two lives have touched each other, each received a wonderful gift.
I believe that he knows your feelings, and understands all those things you wish you had said, at a deeper level, a level that words spoken, can never really express, I think he knew even before he passed.
Hugs and Prayers
B
I'm so sorry. I know that this hurts terribly. I noticed some things in your post, that as I read, I said a silent thank you prayer, thank you HP that this woman got to hear him, normal sounding. Thank you that she got to have a good (but distant) friendship, when so many are left with only bitterness. Thank you HP, that she knew this man, loved him, and was loved by him.
Even with this awful disease, two lives have touched each other, each received a wonderful gift.
I believe that he knows your feelings, and understands all those things you wish you had said, at a deeper level, a level that words spoken, can never really express, I think he knew even before he passed.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Maumee, OH
Posts: 68
((bluerskies))
I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with the others. I think you were both blessed to have the moments you had while he was sober. I also think it's a beautiful thing that you were able to see past the addiction and see the amazing things about him.
I believe he knows what's in your heart. And when you feel the need, I believe you can speak with him and find peace.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with the others. I think you were both blessed to have the moments you had while he was sober. I also think it's a beautiful thing that you were able to see past the addiction and see the amazing things about him.
I believe he knows what's in your heart. And when you feel the need, I believe you can speak with him and find peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
((bluerskies))
Thank you for your post and I am so sorry for your loss. I received so much inspiration and encouragement from your post about my chance at recovery from my AS. I'm so glad you came back to SR to share your feelings and gather love and support.
I am walking beside you in my mind offering strength and love during your grief.
Thank you for your post and I am so sorry for your loss. I received so much inspiration and encouragement from your post about my chance at recovery from my AS. I'm so glad you came back to SR to share your feelings and gather love and support.
I am walking beside you in my mind offering strength and love during your grief.
watching the clouds roll away
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: bliss
Posts: 87
to all -- thank you -- your words are helping me get through the day. I'm at work (luckily I work on computers) and I just keep reading your responses and they comfort me. Thank you.
frankly -- you gave me new perspective -- what lovely thoughts. You are right. There are things to be thankful for. I'm glad the last time I spoke with him he was clean and happy.
JMF - I've come a long way. When I left I literally would just lay on the floor and cry. I could barely pick myself up. I thought I was going to die -- because my mind was fixated on him and his problems and my body was weak. What I did, was read these boards every day, write some and then every time I became terrified, angry, anything about drugs I would force myself to say what do I need -- to think it, really think it and eventually i changed the way I thought and slowly I became healthier. I learned to love without trying to change anything. I couldn't love in the same ways, I had to change the circumstances.
All -- my ex has a baby -- 2 1/2 years old. I feel like I owe something to that baby. I know more of his father then he ever will. Do you think it would be okay to write a letter to him about what his dad was like, to let him know his dad when he gets older. I feel like I am holding something sacred that the boy deserves to know. All the good stuff and the soul of the person, i knew him better then I think anyone did. Do you think there will be a way to share that with his son at some point?
frankly -- you gave me new perspective -- what lovely thoughts. You are right. There are things to be thankful for. I'm glad the last time I spoke with him he was clean and happy.
JMF - I've come a long way. When I left I literally would just lay on the floor and cry. I could barely pick myself up. I thought I was going to die -- because my mind was fixated on him and his problems and my body was weak. What I did, was read these boards every day, write some and then every time I became terrified, angry, anything about drugs I would force myself to say what do I need -- to think it, really think it and eventually i changed the way I thought and slowly I became healthier. I learned to love without trying to change anything. I couldn't love in the same ways, I had to change the circumstances.
All -- my ex has a baby -- 2 1/2 years old. I feel like I owe something to that baby. I know more of his father then he ever will. Do you think it would be okay to write a letter to him about what his dad was like, to let him know his dad when he gets older. I feel like I am holding something sacred that the boy deserves to know. All the good stuff and the soul of the person, i knew him better then I think anyone did. Do you think there will be a way to share that with his son at some point?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
Write the letter - I have written numerous such letters to the children, parents, whomever of the one who died from addiction. Letting them know my connection with them - and talking about their wonderful qualities. I have been told that it really brings comfort to a struggling family - and to children.
I hurt for you - to the very depths of your soul.
I just hate this disease of addiction - it kills!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
I hurt for you - to the very depths of your soul.
I just hate this disease of addiction - it kills!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
blue, I'm sorry for your loss and touched deeply by your desire to write that letter.
One of my husbands nephews committed suicide years ago, after battling a meth addiction. He left behind a toddler and now that he's an adult, I'm sure he wishes he knew more about his dad.
Your kindness and compassion during your grief is a beautiful gift.
One of my husbands nephews committed suicide years ago, after battling a meth addiction. He left behind a toddler and now that he's an adult, I'm sure he wishes he knew more about his dad.
Your kindness and compassion during your grief is a beautiful gift.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
I'd say write the letter to the baby and then wait for the right time to give it to him or his mother.
If he is meant to have it, his and your HP will show you the right time and place - and it might be 20 years from now.
If the time never arrives, it will give you a method to process your grief. It would be worthwhile either way.
God Bless
If he is meant to have it, his and your HP will show you the right time and place - and it might be 20 years from now.
If the time never arrives, it will give you a method to process your grief. It would be worthwhile either way.
God Bless
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