Troubledone

I think the hardest part for me these days in dealing with my meth-addicted niece is the continual paradox that is part of loving someone who is addicted.

I love her and I'm angry at her
I'm glad she's in jail and I'm sad she's in jail
I'm angry at God for allowing her to be so damaged and I love God for all he's done for her
I am resigned to how bad it has gotten and I'm depressed about it too
I want to help her and I want her to do it on her own

I've never held so many conflicting emotions inside myself in all my life.

And at the same time, holding the paradox seems much better than shuttling between trying to control my niece and then pushing her away. At least holding the paradox allows me to have some peace, even if it is a sad peace.

I hope I get better at all this... I think I'm in for a very long ride.

I'd be interested if anyone else has this experience.
God Bless everyone here... you're all awesome.

Abundance

Troubledone..... my sister is an addict.... in the last 10 years per my guidance she has been in rehab twice and a few psychiatric institutions. However, she is now living on the streets with psychosis and/or schizophrenia. She has lived with me on and off for the last few years until about a year ago. My last straw was when she told my boys that I was putting poison in their brains. THAT was my bottom. It's as though I just stopped crying..... I just stopped caring. Now she is just an object.... her soul is dead to me. I didn't force myself to become that way - it just happened.

My brother was driving downtown today and he saw her in the homeless part of town - he was taking his and my boys to a function. After dropping them off - he went looking for her (wound up not finding her). But when he told me this - I got a bit of anxiety and worry and fixation - but I acknowledged those feelings - and just turned them off. I'm not fixated on it. Grant it - I'm sharing it here - but I'm not fixated it to the point of wanting to find her. It's as though my hands are completely washed.

Now.... why or how that wound up happening to me.... where I just let go.. I don't know? Maybe I've just pushed it deep inside of me and I'm not going to let it come out? I don't know where all of my fear and concern and anxiety has gone. It literally just "went away".

Time is the only real answer I can come up with. It was never intentional for me to stop caring to the point that I used to care. A couple of months ago my sister sent me the following message: "You had to be cruel to be kind."

Abundance

I know I sounded heartless and cold. I do pray and I have hope that my sister returns and gets help. My boys and I pray together for her. But that is all we do.

However - my aunt from the UK is coming out next week and she hopes to see her..... this is where it will get interesting.

Done_With_It

I had a similiar issue with this with my Dad.
He's not an addict or anything, just left me for another family.

I finally got to that point of many reasons,

love him cuz he's my Dad, hate him cuz he left me,
Thankful cuz he's alive, anger because I don't have him
Thankful that I got him in the beginning, angry because I lost him
Thankful that he was happy, angry because I was not
blah blah blah, so many mixed emotions I had and a lot of guilt

Dealing with things that do not go the way we want them to
go is hard. I read a lot of books, sought counseling.
It took a lot of soul searching and time for me to be at peace with.

I think be gentle with yourself and in time it will get easier,
Keep reaching out and getting all these feelings, frustrations
and thoughts out. I think that is some of the best healing
one can do for themselves.

JMO..


:ghug

outtolunch

You sound the opposite of heartless and cold. You sound grounded and realistic and are controling the only thing you can....your reaction.

Troubledone

Thanks to all - your input grounds me that I'm not alone in dealing with the the conflicting emotions.

Abundance - you don't sound heartless and cold to me. I have a brother who is schizophrenic and not living on the streets - he accepts the help of family with gratitude and stays in touch with his counselor and takes his meds. He did have a problem with alcohol, but gave it up.

At some point there is just no more that you can do but save the one life you have control over - yours.

God Bless everyone for sharing