smiley70

Well its been a while since I've been on, I know I hate when I stray away but I get so busy. Ok today @ 7 pm my hubby went to his 1st CA meeting. I wanted him to attend one of these meetings but where we live... nothing only where he's at. Which I think still offers similar meetings like the ones here. Anyhow, how did it come to the pt of him going? I told him I didn't want to mess w/ his BS anymore & that if he didn't live up to his promises.... I was moving on. Lately, I have been so cold to him & have not been affectionate @ all either w/ him. He tries to act like the good old times trying hard to re-enact 'em but.... not gonna work for me anymore. I got to test him twice after our big fight ummm... about mid July, and 1st time it came out positive (he had admitted prior to test) & then another time after that & it came out clean. Since that night I have not noticed his eyes wide open like that night & he has mellowed down on the sniff'n part & the flush face too. I think since he's been back w/ me he's been clean, but still hard. I know after he got out of jail Saturday night he was cell phoneless & was in his sister's car which I know he did more than just coke that night. Of course he says all he did was coke & went straight back to his mom's. Right!

I still love this fool & I want things to go back the way they were. I just want my husband back. I told him when he was away @ his mom's that I wasn't gonna wait around for him anymore & that I didn't plan on staying by myself either. I'm not the type who likes to be alone, not to be financial dependent, just the company. After 19 yrs I've gotten used to that companion. See my hubby's not ugly looking @ all. He gets alot of attention from women of all ages even if they see me standing next to him. As for me, I'm not ugly nor am I beautiful just pretty. He tells me that w/ my smile & my (somewhat) oriental eyes is what gets guy's/men's attn . So he knows I'll find someone. Yeah I probably could, but I want him. I know by now I sound so stupid, but I can't help myself. I don't want to be single & end up w/ someone worse. He does alot of things normal husbands don't do like wash dishes, sweep, mop, fold clothes, etc. He's always helped especially when in the dog house. He does spoil me rotten not just material wise but pampers me too. That's what I'm used too & that's what gets me back in his little web over & over. I'm a fool I know. But, if I stay w/ him I think my life will change dramatically. I love to go dancing & going out w/ our friends for drinks & dancing. It's all innocent on my part, but not w/ him. That's his opportunity to use, so if I stay w/ him normal things like that will have to stop cuz of him. That's if I want him to stay clean, I can't be going to places like that. I can't just say "let's go & have drinks" like happy hour cuz he can't drink either. Oh this is ugly & so unfair to me. Why? Especially when I had to put up w/ him all these yrs living a life of hell then still need to rearrange my life for him.... again! Ok I'll stop, I'm saying same thing over & over. So ok let me have it... you think someone like him can change? Is there hope for him or should I move on? (I know I just wanna hear opinions & know ultimately its my decision)

Freedom1990

Whether he can change or not, I have no idea.

What I do know is when I left the addict husband that I never gave myself a chance to heal, and ended up in one bad relationship after another for 13 long years.

If I bring anything less than a whole me, a healed me, a me who is right with self to the table in a relationship, it's doomed to fail.

I rationalized with each one that they were different than 'him'. None of them beat me, none of them drank, none of them shot meth in their veins.

At best they were emotionally unavailable, and at worst, emotionally abusive.

Happiness is an inside job. Anything that may come along after that is just icing on the cake.

I thought I could never ever live without a man in my life, and I kept repeating the same mistake over and over until I hit an emotional bottom.

Both of my daughters are now grown, I've just started college classes full-time online at the age of 50 to finish my degree, I have no significant other in my life, and I am at peace with myself and happy.

Impurrfect

(((Smiley)))

As you said, it's your decision.

I just know that I stayed in a relationship way too long because it was "comfortable"...the good times were really good, but the bad times were bad.

There's no way to say whether he will change...that is totally up to him.

I just feel that when you say you will have to give up things YOU enjoy to stay with him, that's a big red flag, and you will end up resenting him for it. You CAN do things you enjoy, with friends, without him, and he should respect you enough to accept it.

I've been in 3 relationships, in my adult life, and all 3 were A's. I've finally realized that it's a huge problem that I'm willing to give up part of myself to adjust to what he can/can't, will/won't do. After my own descent into addiction he!!, I've decided that life is too darn short to be all focused on someone else. The relationships I've seen that work out best are ones where they each enjoy the other's company, but have interests of their own.

If I find a man who contributes to my life, great. But if it's one where I'm wrapped up in what he's doing, where he's going, and I can't trust him....I'll pass. It took me years to get comfortable being without a man, but it's the only way I found out who I really am.

Don't know if this helps any...just my thoughts.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

baxter

Wow, sounds like your mind is going in a hundred different directions. Sure know how that feels, been there. He wants to go back to the good old times, you don't, you want everything back to normal but you want it to change. Gets mind boggling at times and I think you need to slow down and take a good look at what YOU really want. What's going to work with YOU. Take a breather.

I, too, thought I had to have someone there for a companion and it took me from one bad relationship right into another. Wasted half my life doing that.

It's your decision in the end but I think you need to give yourself a breather. Good luck.

rozied

You know I divorced my ex after trying for 10yrs to get our marriage to work. He was a compulsive gambler & no amount of begging on my part got him to change. After I left him I stayed alone for 10yrs before meeting & marrying my present husband. We will be married 24 yrs this Nov & I have never been happier.
After over 30yrs my ex called me. He went from gambling to drugs & didn't get clean until he was 58 yrs old. He is 63 now & trying hard to rebuild his life. If I had waited for him I would have been waiting for most of my life. I have absolutely no regrets.
Joy & happiness come from within. Noone can make you happy, you have to be happy with yourself first. By the time I met Jim I was at a very good place in my life.
I don't know if you have ever been on your own since you have been an adult. Get to know yourself & what you want out of life. Then you will be better abel to know what you want in a relationship. As Amy said I don't know if anything I have said will help, they are just my thoughts on the subject.

smiley70

Thanks everyone for your replies, I really appreciate 'em. And yes, I was alone for about a year maintained my home, finances, my daughters, my job, & our emotional being, aswell. It was the best time of our lives, no doubt. Not having to worry ANYTHING about him made us so @ peace. I will give credit where its due & he, when he's not using is a good man, of course I sound like alot of other spouses here, but its true. He does contribute alot to maintaining the house inside too & when our girls were small he would always help me care for them. He was & is the type that if you needed help w/ anything where financial or just w/ anything & he was able to he would bend over backwards to help 'em. And when I would get very ill, he would attend me 24/7, taking me food to me in bed basically just caring for me. See my Mom tells me, there's not many men out there that do those things. She tells me in other words, to stand by him & help him through cuz he would do the same for me. I know if I was ill w/ sickness, but addictions that's a whole different story. So anyhow, yes I am stuck. For the past 7 yrs seems I've been living w/ 2 persons... the caring one & the evil one. I guess I'll take my breather & take it one day @ a time like yah said. I need too.

Oh also, he went last night to that CA meeting @ some church & it was a total disappointment for him. Everything they said as to how they conduct their meetings, similar to the programs thru here, well for that meeting, was far from it. It was just a bunch of ppl, mainly men, that were ordered by court to attend 'em. My hubby said they were not there to get help. He said nobody opened up, nothing & the majority of 'em were asleep. He also said that the man conducting the meeting, as he was talking was cussing & just talking all ugly. He says he could not believe this was happening @ a church.... supposedly it was to be spiritual. Since we live somewhat away from civilization, do yah also know what other help he can get? He wants too get help, finally, but from where? I told him to get signed up here. Well ok I better go I have to go work. :atv I'll come back later. Thanks everyone again, hugs :ghug3 & God Bless!

NoelleR

Just a wee FYI ----

"...He says he could not believe this was happening @ a church.... supposedly it was to be spiritual..."

Just because a meeting is held in a church doesn't mean the church has anything to do with it. In most instances, the church just leases/rents the space to the group for the purpose of their meeting. In other words, it's the group's meeting NOT the church's.

...and as far as profanity goes.......yes, unfortunately, there does seem to be an over-abundance of profanity in lots of meetings.....but then, consider the source....recovering (or not) members of society.....definitely NOT the cream of the crop..........lol


NoelleR

smiley70

Well the only reason we were amazed about that, because we are aware that the church does rent out spaces for meetings/etc, but I reviewed their format & stated it was not gonna be religous but spiritual. We understand (everything) what you mean exactly, but this was far from what they had in their website. My husband said, of course being his first meeting only, that if anything if he continues going here..... he won't stay clean. He's been to rehab before & says this was poorly conducted & nothing like the one he had been to before. I don't know, but if ppl are court - ordered to go, like he says he once was, "I wasn't going to get clean I went because I didn't want to go to jail". So now this time he says he's going to get clean/help for the 1st time cuz he doesn't want to use anymore. All I can say is I'm gonna look elsewhere see what else there is... I'm not gonna give up just because of that experience he had. Thanks NoelleR!