Fallout
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Fallout
Addiction is amazingly far reaching. The fallout seems to be never ending. AH has been out of the house for a couple months now. That part is a good thing. I am not sure if he is using or not... wouldn't matter to me except that the kids are with him most of the time.
It continues to amaze me that I made a decision to remove myself from the constand chaos and all that comes from being involved with a person who has a problem with addiction and that my life is still such a mess.
The kids are angry with me. They spend little to no time with me and there is not much I can do about it... I struggle with do I take their Dad to court and spend more money that I don't have to try to make it happen????? When in reality..... how do you force a teenager to do anything and if you do, what does it bring... more anger?!?!?!
Meanwhile, I have contact with my in-laws... but they are not very a happy with me.... "how could i do this to their son".... how about what the son chose to do for all those years that lead me to my decision because the marriage fell apart?!?!?! Oh, that's right they don't really think there was a problem with this either... welcome to the ostrich family... stick your head in the sand!
How do I pull myself up and move forward??? Every day, I try to stay positive and I end up in tears. I am lonely,exhausted, hurt and feel like nothing is worth it any more. How in the world did I screw up my life so much???? How does it get better.
Guess I need some support today. Thanks!
It continues to amaze me that I made a decision to remove myself from the constand chaos and all that comes from being involved with a person who has a problem with addiction and that my life is still such a mess.
The kids are angry with me. They spend little to no time with me and there is not much I can do about it... I struggle with do I take their Dad to court and spend more money that I don't have to try to make it happen????? When in reality..... how do you force a teenager to do anything and if you do, what does it bring... more anger?!?!?!
Meanwhile, I have contact with my in-laws... but they are not very a happy with me.... "how could i do this to their son".... how about what the son chose to do for all those years that lead me to my decision because the marriage fell apart?!?!?! Oh, that's right they don't really think there was a problem with this either... welcome to the ostrich family... stick your head in the sand!
How do I pull myself up and move forward??? Every day, I try to stay positive and I end up in tears. I am lonely,exhausted, hurt and feel like nothing is worth it any more. How in the world did I screw up my life so much???? How does it get better.
Guess I need some support today. Thanks!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Kids are 14 and 17. I am seeing a counselor. She helps, but she can't live w/me... ya'know?! The kids are aware of the drug "problem", but they don't think it's a problem... "so he used drugs... drank a little, smoked weed. He isn't doing it now, so what's the big deal?" He allows them to do whatever they want, whenever they want and so they think he's just great. I have expectations.... not the gustapo, just normal parenting stuff, so I am "no fun, a pain in the *@* and demanding."
I wanted to not be involved in the chaos of addiction. I wanted not to be with my AH any longer. I didn't want to stop being my kids Mom. The pain is terrible.
I wanted to not be involved in the chaos of addiction. I wanted not to be with my AH any longer. I didn't want to stop being my kids Mom. The pain is terrible.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
imallright
I can't think of anything but prayer for this situation. Teenagers have so little perspective. There is little you can do legally unless he's hurting them or neglecting them in some way. If you were in that situation, you'd just be dragged down also. And the in-laws can't possibly know the extent of the situation - I'm guessing they hope you'll go rescue the situation for them (if they even admit there is a problem).
In a situation like this, I just don't know what else there is other than praying for a miracle. Maybe the kids will realize the reality sometime when they are much older.
I'll remember you in my prayers...
I can't think of anything but prayer for this situation. Teenagers have so little perspective. There is little you can do legally unless he's hurting them or neglecting them in some way. If you were in that situation, you'd just be dragged down also. And the in-laws can't possibly know the extent of the situation - I'm guessing they hope you'll go rescue the situation for them (if they even admit there is a problem).
In a situation like this, I just don't know what else there is other than praying for a miracle. Maybe the kids will realize the reality sometime when they are much older.
I'll remember you in my prayers...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: New York, USA
Posts: 230
Oh, how I can relate to that. In 1997, after 16 years of my husband's drinking and gambling away everything, I chucked everything he owned out of our bedroom window onto the front yard. It all went, toothbrush and all. He had just gambled away a couple thousand dollars we didn't have and again I'd have to start over.
Our daughter had just turned 15 and she thought he walked on water. Same thing, he had no rules or responsibilities and I thought I could hang in until she was 18 but nothing was going to change unless I did. Shortly after he left, she followed. My in-laws hated me for throwing him out. Of course, now he was on their doorstep again so they resented me for that. As time went by and they had to live with him day by day they wondered how I had put up with it so long. He still lives with them to this day.
It took awhile but I met the most wonderful man, have a great relationship with daughter and every once in awhile she'll ask me why I put up with it so long or that she wishes sometimes my current husband had been her father. (she is still close with her real father and sees him everyday and loves him with all her heart) It has affected her choice in relationships but hopefully she'll see the light some day. I can't change that.
Hang in there and it does get better. I broke all contact with them for a couple months which helped me concentrate on me but it was all worth it.
Hugs and prayers to you.
Our daughter had just turned 15 and she thought he walked on water. Same thing, he had no rules or responsibilities and I thought I could hang in until she was 18 but nothing was going to change unless I did. Shortly after he left, she followed. My in-laws hated me for throwing him out. Of course, now he was on their doorstep again so they resented me for that. As time went by and they had to live with him day by day they wondered how I had put up with it so long. He still lives with them to this day.
It took awhile but I met the most wonderful man, have a great relationship with daughter and every once in awhile she'll ask me why I put up with it so long or that she wishes sometimes my current husband had been her father. (she is still close with her real father and sees him everyday and loves him with all her heart) It has affected her choice in relationships but hopefully she'll see the light some day. I can't change that.
Hang in there and it does get better. I broke all contact with them for a couple months which helped me concentrate on me but it was all worth it.
Hugs and prayers to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
I sure hope things turn around for you like baxter said above. Sometimes it just takes time and that time seems like an eternity to you. I think you need to focus on you now and forget about everything else. Use this time to think positive for you! I would think sooner or later your kids will see the light. I think it takes them longer cause they feel so bad for Dad moving out you know. you become the bad guy and he is the hero, well..it will change they will see. Meantime work on you and not having all the negative crap around you. Be positive about your days and know that you haven't done anything wrong, your looking out for you and your kids futures.
Go to some meetings and get some feed back. You just need to know your not alone and you did the right thing. It will all get better for you when you make it better. Good luck to you and try not to think what you lost but what you have gained. ((hugs)))
Go to some meetings and get some feed back. You just need to know your not alone and you did the right thing. It will all get better for you when you make it better. Good luck to you and try not to think what you lost but what you have gained. ((hugs)))
Turning it all around
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 330
Hey imallright,
Welcome, yes it sounds like a good time to post. Keep posting!
Here's the hard truth...If you were to do it all over again, you would do the exact same thing! Never question what you have done! You were right! You were so brave to do it! You tried everything you could think of. No regrets! The kids will come around. Don't worry about them! It's time now to care for YOU! I know I sound like a broken record when I say this but "happiness is an inside job". You must turn all your attention inward. Find a way to love yourself again. Do what makes YOU happy. Catch up on all that you have given up over the years. To put yourself in the right frame of mind to pull this off...be selfish with your time and effort, more importantly, your energy. Think of the things you always wanted to do and go for it! Break out of the rut. You must force yourself here. If you're anything like me, you're a giver. Givers always neglect "self". This will be out of character for you but you must do it. Keep giving but give to yourself for a change! Enjoy the process, it feels so right! Prayers
Welcome, yes it sounds like a good time to post. Keep posting!
Here's the hard truth...If you were to do it all over again, you would do the exact same thing! Never question what you have done! You were right! You were so brave to do it! You tried everything you could think of. No regrets! The kids will come around. Don't worry about them! It's time now to care for YOU! I know I sound like a broken record when I say this but "happiness is an inside job". You must turn all your attention inward. Find a way to love yourself again. Do what makes YOU happy. Catch up on all that you have given up over the years. To put yourself in the right frame of mind to pull this off...be selfish with your time and effort, more importantly, your energy. Think of the things you always wanted to do and go for it! Break out of the rut. You must force yourself here. If you're anything like me, you're a giver. Givers always neglect "self". This will be out of character for you but you must do it. Keep giving but give to yourself for a change! Enjoy the process, it feels so right! Prayers
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Home
Posts: 178
I could have written your post awhile back. I left my verbally abusive axh
when the boys were in their early teens. They were very angry with me-
dad had always been the fun guy.
My in-laws both blamed me for juist about everything...they wanted to believe in their son, and living hundreds of miles didnt help them see the truth.
That was a very dark time in my life, but it got much better.
I started to set my boundaries, my rule was no interaction with toxic people,
(inlaws, ex).
Hang in there!
when the boys were in their early teens. They were very angry with me-
dad had always been the fun guy.
My in-laws both blamed me for juist about everything...they wanted to believe in their son, and living hundreds of miles didnt help them see the truth.
That was a very dark time in my life, but it got much better.
I started to set my boundaries, my rule was no interaction with toxic people,
(inlaws, ex).
Hang in there!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
GOSH I remember those days! If it's any consolation, the situation you described with your kids is being played out all across America in divorced housholds everywhere...with or without addiction/alcoholism. There's almost always a good guy and a bad guy, and most of the time there's a more immature parent who is "the fun one."
The good news is that your kids will see thru the smoke and mirrors. Eventually. It might not be right now, but they will come to know which parent is the responsible one. It took mine a few yrs to figure things out... a few more yrs of being really angry with their dad about stuff, and now a few more yrs on the other side where they have good relationships again with both of us.
My experience taught me to keep my mouth SHUT about what their dad was doing or not doing. If you talk badly about the other parent, then the kids move immediately into defense mode. They also know how to stir the pot a bit - mine learned if their dad and I were squabbling then we most likely weren't paying attention to whatever THEY were doing!
Hold your head up and know that you did the best thing you could do for yourself and your children. Getting out of a toxic relationship is often the right thing to do. Your ex will get to experience the joy of his own consequences, and you get to live a life with a little less drama in it.
Hugs from mom to mom
The good news is that your kids will see thru the smoke and mirrors. Eventually. It might not be right now, but they will come to know which parent is the responsible one. It took mine a few yrs to figure things out... a few more yrs of being really angry with their dad about stuff, and now a few more yrs on the other side where they have good relationships again with both of us.
My experience taught me to keep my mouth SHUT about what their dad was doing or not doing. If you talk badly about the other parent, then the kids move immediately into defense mode. They also know how to stir the pot a bit - mine learned if their dad and I were squabbling then we most likely weren't paying attention to whatever THEY were doing!
Hold your head up and know that you did the best thing you could do for yourself and your children. Getting out of a toxic relationship is often the right thing to do. Your ex will get to experience the joy of his own consequences, and you get to live a life with a little less drama in it.
Hugs from mom to mom
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
is being played out all across America in divorced housholds everywhere...with or without addiction/alcoholism.
The good news is that your kids will see thru the smoke and mirrors. Eventually. It might not be right now, but they will come to know which parent is the responsible one. It took mine a few yrs to figure things out... a few more yrs of being really angry with their dad about stuff, and now a few more yrs on the other side where they have good relationships again with both of us.
My experience taught me to keep my mouth SHUT about what their dad was doing or not doing. If you talk badly about the other parent, then the kids move immediately into defense mode.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Thank you all. This is the kind of support that I need today. I have gone a few hours without crying!!!! I have to get tough again and just take care of me. It is soooo hard. I am lonely, but knowing that I have this to come to helps.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I have a friend who has a daughter that is now 19. Just this summer their marriage fell apart, her Dad left and they now know the extent (or think they do) of his addiction issues. She goes back and forth between missing her Dad and being angry that her Mom didn't leave years ago. Teenagers are a species unto themselves at the best of times, and as has been said above - even without addiction issues - even without divorce, seems like this is "normal" behavior.
Stick to what you know is right, they are going to be adults for a whole lot longer than they are kids. They will look back and see that their Mom was a Mom - she had rules and loved them. She didn't need to be a "pal" and she cared enough to try to protect them and teach them thru love, chores, curfews, etc. They will always love their father, of course, but will they also respect him? Maybe - maybe not... you can only do what you know you need to as their Mother!
Hugs, and lots of them!
Stick to what you know is right, they are going to be adults for a whole lot longer than they are kids. They will look back and see that their Mom was a Mom - she had rules and loved them. She didn't need to be a "pal" and she cared enough to try to protect them and teach them thru love, chores, curfews, etc. They will always love their father, of course, but will they also respect him? Maybe - maybe not... you can only do what you know you need to as their Mother!
Hugs, and lots of them!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I have a friend in this situation who reported her AH to social services for using with kids in the house and driving them around impaired. They gave a court order to get her AH to give urine samples and when he came up dirty, they gave her full custody with child support. I don't know if this is an option for you?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i promise you things will get better. live one day at a time. go places you can meet peole u have something in common with. go to a meeting. get out of the house. life will not come to you. get out & find it.good luck, i am sending my prayers up for you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
