New Here - Brother in Jail
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 3
New Here - Brother in Jail
I would love some advice how to deal with my brother. He is a drug addict and I beleive he is a crack addict.
He is in jail facing serious charges stemming from an alleged domestic incident. The incident was violent and completely out of character but definitely resembling the actions of someone who has perhaps tried a new drug, mixed drugs or just generally gone WHACKO due to drugs.
His calls from jail are stressing me out. Tonight he asked if I would post $100,000 dollars worth of collateral so that he could get out jail! My husband has ZERO patience for this and I can't really talk to him about it. He tries to be understanding but has NO frame of reference.
The conversation with my brother just left me feeling icky. When I told him "no" and that he should consider his time in jail as "Time served" he sort of freaked out and gave me that desparate, I gotta get out of here speel, that only an addict can do.
It makes me wonder how much he wants to get out so he can use again? My parents just recently agreed to pay for his attorney - which he NEVER suspected b/c they have been pretty good at the tough love thing - he is after all 40. We thought that would calm him down, but NO, now he is on me about getting him out of jail. Any advice?
He is in jail facing serious charges stemming from an alleged domestic incident. The incident was violent and completely out of character but definitely resembling the actions of someone who has perhaps tried a new drug, mixed drugs or just generally gone WHACKO due to drugs.
His calls from jail are stressing me out. Tonight he asked if I would post $100,000 dollars worth of collateral so that he could get out jail! My husband has ZERO patience for this and I can't really talk to him about it. He tries to be understanding but has NO frame of reference.
The conversation with my brother just left me feeling icky. When I told him "no" and that he should consider his time in jail as "Time served" he sort of freaked out and gave me that desparate, I gotta get out of here speel, that only an addict can do.
It makes me wonder how much he wants to get out so he can use again? My parents just recently agreed to pay for his attorney - which he NEVER suspected b/c they have been pretty good at the tough love thing - he is after all 40. We thought that would calm him down, but NO, now he is on me about getting him out of jail. Any advice?
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by PollyWolly 
I would love some advice how to deal with my brother. He is a drug addict and I beleive he is a crack addict.
He is in jail facing serious charges stemming from an alleged domestic incident. The incident was violent and completely out of character but definitely resembling the actions of someone who has perhaps tried a new drug, mixed drugs or just generally gone WHACKO due to drugs.
His calls from jail are stressing me out. Tonight he asked if I would post $100,000 dollars worth of collateral so that he could get out jail! My husband has ZERO patience for this and I can't really talk to him about it. He tries to be understanding but has NO frame of reference.
The conversation with my brother just left me feeling icky. When I told him "no" and that he should consider his time in jail as "Time served" he sort of freaked out and gave me that desparate, I gotta get out of here speel, that only an addict can do.
It makes me wonder how much he wants to get out so he can use again? My parents just recently agreed to pay for his attorney - which he NEVER suspected b/c they have been pretty good at the tough love thing - he is after all 40. We thought that would calm him down, but NO, now he is on me about getting him out of jail. Any advice?
He is in jail facing serious charges stemming from an alleged domestic incident. The incident was violent and completely out of character but definitely resembling the actions of someone who has perhaps tried a new drug, mixed drugs or just generally gone WHACKO due to drugs.
His calls from jail are stressing me out. Tonight he asked if I would post $100,000 dollars worth of collateral so that he could get out jail! My husband has ZERO patience for this and I can't really talk to him about it. He tries to be understanding but has NO frame of reference.
The conversation with my brother just left me feeling icky. When I told him "no" and that he should consider his time in jail as "Time served" he sort of freaked out and gave me that desparate, I gotta get out of here speel, that only an addict can do.
It makes me wonder how much he wants to get out so he can use again? My parents just recently agreed to pay for his attorney - which he NEVER suspected b/c they have been pretty good at the tough love thing - he is after all 40. We thought that would calm him down, but NO, now he is on me about getting him out of jail. Any advice?
Love him from afar and let him deal with his consequences. Don't even think about getting him out of jail.
Especially if he was violent, it's his place to figure out how to fix his mess.
We get clean when we get sick and tired of being sick and tired, when people clean up our messes for us that usually doesn't help us.
JMO~
Welcome to SR!
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: FL
Posts: 16
My ABF is in jail and I think it's a better/safer place for him cuz he can't get any drugs there so I won't be posting bond. And I agree with slvrMag's post above 100%. Take care, sorry you're going through all this with your brother, hang in there.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Unfortuntely before I finally got clean and sober a little over 3 years ago, I had my fair share of ins and outs of jail and prison.
Sounds like pretty predictable behavior of an addict who feels trapped in a cage when he wants to be out on the streets getting high. I know I drove my family crazy with those collect calls, begging people to get me out. Funny part was, I never had any bail or bond since they were probation violations. . . but I still expected my Family to perform miracles. And I kept calling, begging, yelling, crying . . . My Family finally did something that at the time really ticked me off, but I know they did it to save their sanity. They limited the number of collect calls they would accept.
There isn't a whole lot you can do for him right now, but you have to take care of you. Limit the calls for starters. Tell him that you can't keep accepting all of these charges. He'll probably continue to try to get you to accept every call, but stick to your guns.
As far as putting up all of that money, you have to be honest and just tell him that you can't do it and to stop asking. If he keeps asking, let him know you're going to hang up if he continues to hound you about it. And when he does, you better be prepared to hang up. You have to set limits. You cannot let him continue to ask you to do things that are just too much.
It's called tough love. I think that's the perfect name for it. . . it's tough on the one's we love, but also tough on us to inforce.
The best way you can support him is to not enable his behaviors to continue. Perhaps since your Parents are paying for his attorney, your family could talk to him about letting you, as a family, speak to the Judge about treatment being part of his sentencing. Sounds like he needs some prettty serious help.
Please continue to share with us, you and your family dont need to put up with his behaviors. Your brother seems like he really needs some help.
God Bless,
Judy
Sounds like pretty predictable behavior of an addict who feels trapped in a cage when he wants to be out on the streets getting high. I know I drove my family crazy with those collect calls, begging people to get me out. Funny part was, I never had any bail or bond since they were probation violations. . . but I still expected my Family to perform miracles. And I kept calling, begging, yelling, crying . . . My Family finally did something that at the time really ticked me off, but I know they did it to save their sanity. They limited the number of collect calls they would accept.
There isn't a whole lot you can do for him right now, but you have to take care of you. Limit the calls for starters. Tell him that you can't keep accepting all of these charges. He'll probably continue to try to get you to accept every call, but stick to your guns.
As far as putting up all of that money, you have to be honest and just tell him that you can't do it and to stop asking. If he keeps asking, let him know you're going to hang up if he continues to hound you about it. And when he does, you better be prepared to hang up. You have to set limits. You cannot let him continue to ask you to do things that are just too much.
It's called tough love. I think that's the perfect name for it. . . it's tough on the one's we love, but also tough on us to inforce.
The best way you can support him is to not enable his behaviors to continue. Perhaps since your Parents are paying for his attorney, your family could talk to him about letting you, as a family, speak to the Judge about treatment being part of his sentencing. Sounds like he needs some prettty serious help.
Please continue to share with us, you and your family dont need to put up with his behaviors. Your brother seems like he really needs some help.
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,381
The best thing you can do for him is to leave him there. If he were to be bonded out there is the stress of doing time at a later date. And he would really want to use. I know it is hard for him right now because money can get him out.
Do you know how much those collect calls cost? I had lost my phone because my son was in jail and called everyday. Weather you talk one minuet or 15 minuets it is the same price. I think it was $8.00 a call and that was over 10 years ago.
You could right him a letter explaining bond is not possible. And if collect calls get to be to much you can have a block from your phone company.
Sorry you are going through this.
Do you know how much those collect calls cost? I had lost my phone because my son was in jail and called everyday. Weather you talk one minuet or 15 minuets it is the same price. I think it was $8.00 a call and that was over 10 years ago.
You could right him a letter explaining bond is not possible. And if collect calls get to be to much you can have a block from your phone company.
Sorry you are going through this.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by SlvrMag
Tell him just that.
Personally I would keep it sweet, short and simple.
You don't need to justify yourself or your actions, and
if you try and explain yourself or anything further, there
is a good chance of you being pulled into a conversation.
He will create as much drama for you as you let him.
It's the nature of the drug. It thrives on chaos and drama.
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Lots of people in my group say jail saved their life!! Also, I had my phone blocked from any jail or prison. It made me crazy and costs way too much to hear her whine and beg!!
you and your brother are in my prayers, lots of good folks here who saved my life. We will walk w/ you down this road we didn't choose and you will meet lots of great people on the way!!
susan
you and your brother are in my prayers, lots of good folks here who saved my life. We will walk w/ you down this road we didn't choose and you will meet lots of great people on the way!!
susan
Turning it all around
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 330
Polly,
Thanks for posting. What you're going through is very common. Many fall victim.
Like a drowning swimmer, an addict will take you right down with them.
When your brother acts like a brother, treat him as such.
When your brother acts like an addict, run for the hills! (Careful here, he'll be very cunning). Don't bail him out. Don't help in any way. You'll only delay the time that it takes him to see the error of his ways. Protect yourself, for you are at emotional risk.
All you can really do is suggest he get help. When he hits bottom, his will to live will figure everything out. Prayers
Thanks for posting. What you're going through is very common. Many fall victim.
Like a drowning swimmer, an addict will take you right down with them.
When your brother acts like a brother, treat him as such.
When your brother acts like an addict, run for the hills! (Careful here, he'll be very cunning). Don't bail him out. Don't help in any way. You'll only delay the time that it takes him to see the error of his ways. Protect yourself, for you are at emotional risk.
All you can really do is suggest he get help. When he hits bottom, his will to live will figure everything out. Prayers
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Polly)))
Welcome to SR.
I'm a recovering crack addict and agree with the above posts.
He needs to face his consequences or he will think he can get away with it again...or worse.
When I was in jail, after calling and crying several times, my dad told me "I love you, but I can't, and won't, get you out of this and I will not accept any more collect calls". Yes, it hurt at the time, but now I totally understand where he was coming from. Mail is slower, but we were given 2 free stamps, envelope and paper a week.
If my family had not made me face my consequences, I seriously doubt I would have almost 18 months clean.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR.
I'm a recovering crack addict and agree with the above posts.
He needs to face his consequences or he will think he can get away with it again...or worse.
When I was in jail, after calling and crying several times, my dad told me "I love you, but I can't, and won't, get you out of this and I will not accept any more collect calls". Yes, it hurt at the time, but now I totally understand where he was coming from. Mail is slower, but we were given 2 free stamps, envelope and paper a week.
If my family had not made me face my consequences, I seriously doubt I would have almost 18 months clean.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
I told my ASs that I didn't do jails - and now I tell the women I sponsor the same thing.
If you aren't strong enough not to accept the calls, put a block on your phone.
Any addict wants to get well when you take away all the pillows.
Jail is a good place - at least they aren't using (and dying) on the streets. And it is a very good place for them to sit and think.
That's what I had to do.
He knows you love him or he wouldn't be trying to call. My mother love about killed my sons. Now that they are sober, they tell me that. And it wasn't really love, it was enabling - because I was afraid to let go.
When I did, God got involved - and His plan was better than anything I could have imagined.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
If you aren't strong enough not to accept the calls, put a block on your phone.
Any addict wants to get well when you take away all the pillows.
Jail is a good place - at least they aren't using (and dying) on the streets. And it is a very good place for them to sit and think.
That's what I had to do.
He knows you love him or he wouldn't be trying to call. My mother love about killed my sons. Now that they are sober, they tell me that. And it wasn't really love, it was enabling - because I was afraid to let go.
When I did, God got involved - and His plan was better than anything I could have imagined.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Polly. My sons father is a 37 year old crack addict who is in prison serving 14 mos... this time. He has spent the majority of the last 5 years in prison because of his addiction. I also used crack so I know what an all consuming drug it is and how hard it is to get and stay off it.
I know it's hard but the best and safest place for your brother is in jail so don't feel bad about not putting up collateral for him to get out. And don't feel bad about stating your feelings. If he doesn't like it, well, too bad. He broke the law. He's a big boy. Now he has to deal with the consequences of his choices.
Prison should not be easy. It should be a place he never wants to go again. Maybe some sober time in jail will give him incentive to change his life. (It hasn't worked for my ex, but maybe it will work for your brother. Don't lose hope.)
My sons father treats me and his son like crap when he is not in jail - he lies, manipulates, steals, ignores, begs. He ignores his son. He doesn't show up for visits. When he does show up he's a drooling burned-out mess. He is really hurting his son and he doesn't care. He just keeps smoking crack. He says horrible things about me as a mother. He's just a real jerk. That's what crack addicts do to people who won't enable them. They don't give them the time of day when they are using. Then they try to make them feel guilty when they want something and they treat them like dirt if they don't get what the want.
When my ex is in jail he swears he is so sorry about how he behaves when he out using crack. He swears that he will never use drugs again. And he asks for money. And he wants me to come visit. and blah blah blah.
I tell him I love him but I have my hands full dealing with the responsibilities of raising his beautiful son. I tell him that when he gets out he is welcome to come visit us but he can't live with us. I tell him I am praying for him because I don't want him to die. I tell him that I am glad he is in jail because now he has a chance to live again. I don't think he likes hearing it, but I tell him anyway. And if his begging for money and visits becomes too much for me to handle, I just don't answer the phone. (By the way, those collect calls are REALLY expensive.) It's called detaching.
It's hard for me not to feel sorry for him sometimes. But I get over it real fast when I think about what he is doing to himself when he is not in jail. Jail is the safest place for him. And his best chance at recovery... again.
Jail is a horrible place and people will say ANYTHING to get out but there are no guarantees that your brother will stay clean when he gets out. Unfortunately the odds are stacked against him. But right now, the best thing for him is to have some time off the streets, clean and sober, to think about what he wants out of life.
Hang in there and keep posting. You will find lots of support here. You are not alone.
I know it's hard but the best and safest place for your brother is in jail so don't feel bad about not putting up collateral for him to get out. And don't feel bad about stating your feelings. If he doesn't like it, well, too bad. He broke the law. He's a big boy. Now he has to deal with the consequences of his choices.
Prison should not be easy. It should be a place he never wants to go again. Maybe some sober time in jail will give him incentive to change his life. (It hasn't worked for my ex, but maybe it will work for your brother. Don't lose hope.)
My sons father treats me and his son like crap when he is not in jail - he lies, manipulates, steals, ignores, begs. He ignores his son. He doesn't show up for visits. When he does show up he's a drooling burned-out mess. He is really hurting his son and he doesn't care. He just keeps smoking crack. He says horrible things about me as a mother. He's just a real jerk. That's what crack addicts do to people who won't enable them. They don't give them the time of day when they are using. Then they try to make them feel guilty when they want something and they treat them like dirt if they don't get what the want.
When my ex is in jail he swears he is so sorry about how he behaves when he out using crack. He swears that he will never use drugs again. And he asks for money. And he wants me to come visit. and blah blah blah.
I tell him I love him but I have my hands full dealing with the responsibilities of raising his beautiful son. I tell him that when he gets out he is welcome to come visit us but he can't live with us. I tell him I am praying for him because I don't want him to die. I tell him that I am glad he is in jail because now he has a chance to live again. I don't think he likes hearing it, but I tell him anyway. And if his begging for money and visits becomes too much for me to handle, I just don't answer the phone. (By the way, those collect calls are REALLY expensive.) It's called detaching.
It's hard for me not to feel sorry for him sometimes. But I get over it real fast when I think about what he is doing to himself when he is not in jail. Jail is the safest place for him. And his best chance at recovery... again.
Jail is a horrible place and people will say ANYTHING to get out but there are no guarantees that your brother will stay clean when he gets out. Unfortunately the odds are stacked against him. But right now, the best thing for him is to have some time off the streets, clean and sober, to think about what he wants out of life.
Hang in there and keep posting. You will find lots of support here. You are not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 3
Thank you all so much. Your comments really help and they will resonate in my head next time he calls. I talk a real good tough-love talk when I talk to my parents but its gut wrenching and I weaken when I talk to my brother. Why are addicts so damn....persuasive, persistent?? If he applied as much effort to finding and maintaing a JOB - wow - or funnel that energy into some other positive purpose...
I will keep posting. I have another question. Thanks!!
I will keep posting. I have another question. Thanks!!
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