My first time here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Stoneham
Posts: 2
My first time here
My husband spent one month in alcohol detox, the month of May, he is now back drinking more than before detox.
I know I need Alanon, an urgent question, he drinks and drives, not slightly drunk, can hardly stand up drunk, I know I shouldn't try to control, but I sometimes hide his keys.
The fear that I'll get the phonecall, not that he died, but that he killed an innocent person.
Hiding the keys causes world war 3, he's 250 lbs, I'm 97.
I know I need Alanon, an urgent question, he drinks and drives, not slightly drunk, can hardly stand up drunk, I know I shouldn't try to control, but I sometimes hide his keys.
The fear that I'll get the phonecall, not that he died, but that he killed an innocent person.
Hiding the keys causes world war 3, he's 250 lbs, I'm 97.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
I was taught that I was either part of the problem or part of the solution. How would I feel if they were driving drunk and I knew about it and they killed someone? If wouldn't be my fault, but I would have felt terrible.
I called the police anonymously and just told them the car and license plate number and said someone appeared to be driving drunk.
The first time it was hard to do. But after a bad accident with friends of my sons' driving - one person injured permanently in the vegatative state (for 20+ years) - it wasn't hard to do anymore.
Alanon and my Alanon friends helped me learn the answers to things like this. It takes time - but you can be ok whether or not he is.
I stopped trying to take keys away from drunks when one of them started getting very physical with me. Drunks are not in their right mind.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
I called the police anonymously and just told them the car and license plate number and said someone appeared to be driving drunk.
The first time it was hard to do. But after a bad accident with friends of my sons' driving - one person injured permanently in the vegatative state (for 20+ years) - it wasn't hard to do anymore.
Alanon and my Alanon friends helped me learn the answers to things like this. It takes time - but you can be ok whether or not he is.
I stopped trying to take keys away from drunks when one of them started getting very physical with me. Drunks are not in their right mind.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Last edited by Jody Hepler; 08-25-2008 at 12:06 PM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 78
Hello and welcome. I'm sorry you've had to come here, but you're gong to find a lot of strength and a lot of people that can help you cut through the bull s**t.
And I agree with Jody. And annonymous call is a good idea. When people can no longer follow the laws of decency, and respect fellow human beings, (ie innocent people driving home from work, driving kids to day care, etc) that is when the law comes in. If you can't be respectful on your own, and only respect those bigger than you that can make you mind...perhaps you need the fear of god put in you. You know what I mean?
Please look after yourself and keep coming back. And if you don't feel safe, you get out of the house!!!! Even if that's only long enough for the worst of his anger to pass.
:ghug
And I agree with Jody. And annonymous call is a good idea. When people can no longer follow the laws of decency, and respect fellow human beings, (ie innocent people driving home from work, driving kids to day care, etc) that is when the law comes in. If you can't be respectful on your own, and only respect those bigger than you that can make you mind...perhaps you need the fear of god put in you. You know what I mean?
Please look after yourself and keep coming back. And if you don't feel safe, you get out of the house!!!! Even if that's only long enough for the worst of his anger to pass.
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
There's always the ole "removal of the spark plug" deal in certain cars. 
All kidding aside, I'd call the police. There is no way he would know if it was just a random stop. When he calls from jail. Let him sit there for a while. Bail money doesn't just grow on trees.
All kidding aside, I'd call the police. There is no way he would know if it was just a random stop. When he calls from jail. Let him sit there for a while. Bail money doesn't just grow on trees.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I wouldn't even call anonymously...I'd tell him I am calling and then do it.
If I knew my husband could easily kill someone...I would stand in the way. Don't stand
by until it is too late. It is unacceptable and he needs to be stopped. You may not have control over his drinking, but you can protect the innocent public.
Start your own recovery. Alanon and counseling has helped me tremendously. You can Move toward a healthier more joyful life. Take the control where you have it, and that is your won life and how you want to live it.
Welcome to SR, please continue to share with us.
If I knew my husband could easily kill someone...I would stand in the way. Don't stand
by until it is too late. It is unacceptable and he needs to be stopped. You may not have control over his drinking, but you can protect the innocent public.
Start your own recovery. Alanon and counseling has helped me tremendously. You can Move toward a healthier more joyful life. Take the control where you have it, and that is your won life and how you want to live it.
Welcome to SR, please continue to share with us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
If I were 97 dealing with a 250# alcoholic, I don't think I'd tell him I was calling the police but I most certainly would - every single time he took the keys.
If you call the police enough, he'll end up in jail for quite some time and you'll have the house to yourself.
The first time I called the authorities for my niece, my heart was pounding. Now, I do it anytime she shows up weird and I am sure it has saved her life and others more than once. I got to be well known with the local police after a while.
I'd say call the police sometime when he's not around and ask them what they think. They know how to handle alcoholics that are large and unruly - not a job for a 97 year old woman.
God Bless and may you find the courage to do what you can, the serenity to accept what you can't change and the wisdome to know the difference.
If you call the police enough, he'll end up in jail for quite some time and you'll have the house to yourself.
The first time I called the authorities for my niece, my heart was pounding. Now, I do it anytime she shows up weird and I am sure it has saved her life and others more than once. I got to be well known with the local police after a while.
I'd say call the police sometime when he's not around and ask them what they think. They know how to handle alcoholics that are large and unruly - not a job for a 97 year old woman.
God Bless and may you find the courage to do what you can, the serenity to accept what you can't change and the wisdome to know the difference.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 4
I'm new and need all the support I can get. Even though my husband tells me it's ALL my fault I know as sure as I'm sitting here typing that it is not! However, when you have an addict in your face telling you in no uncertains terms it's my fault, I take it! Oh where do I begin! He is addicted to codeine. He came clear last year but this has gone back. I'm done. I'm tired. Emotionally drained. I know to get ahold of Al-anon. But how do I tell him I want a separation? He'll cuss and scream and holler and tell me how bad it is for him and give me the poor pity-full me story AGAIN. We will lose our house. I hate that. What else can I do?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi alja and welcome to this site. Keep reading and posting. You will find so much knowledge and support from people who are right where you are, and people who have been there and done that.
It's not your fault. You didn't cause his addiction. You can't control his addiction. You cannot cure his addiction. Don't play the blame game. We can only be responsible for our actions and reactions to other peoples actions in this world. Blaming others is a very "addict" behavior.
I can't tell you how to leave your husband. I think when you are ready to leave your husband you will know. Have you made an escape plan? Have you got some money put aside? If you are serious about leaving, or even if you are not sure yet, those are great things to have. You don't have to do anything with them until you are ready. But at least you'll be prepared.
There is a saying on this site "you'll leave when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving."
In the meantime, keep posting and reading. And again, welcome. You are not alone.
It's not your fault. You didn't cause his addiction. You can't control his addiction. You cannot cure his addiction. Don't play the blame game. We can only be responsible for our actions and reactions to other peoples actions in this world. Blaming others is a very "addict" behavior.
I can't tell you how to leave your husband. I think when you are ready to leave your husband you will know. Have you made an escape plan? Have you got some money put aside? If you are serious about leaving, or even if you are not sure yet, those are great things to have. You don't have to do anything with them until you are ready. But at least you'll be prepared.
There is a saying on this site "you'll leave when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving."
In the meantime, keep posting and reading. And again, welcome. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
For months at my alanon meeting a woman pondered this same question. Should she call the police when she knew her sister was driving drunk? She tossed this idea around for months. She feared her sister would lose her license which would then cause her to lose her job which would then affect the woman in alanon because they shared a home together and all the expenses.
One Monday morning in our local paper was a headline young wife & mother killed along with two of her three children by impaired driver. The article went on to describe a woman suspected of being under the influence of alcohol had crossed the double yellow line and hit them head on.
The woman from my alanon group had been absent for a long time returning one evening with regret, remorse and both shoulders filled with guilt. She never made that phone call only threatened too in hopes that would deter her sister from driving drunk. She had been in counseling and returned to talk to the rest of the group about fear, fear of conflict with the alcoholic, fear of not paying bills, fear of making the alcoholics life harder by losing a license and the privilege of driving. She was there to tell us to confront our fears and take control by making that phone call.
Her sister received 29 years in jail. She had to sell her house and she continues with counseling in hopes she can someday resolve all her remorse her guilt and many regrets.
I am thankful I have never had to make that call but today I can say without a doubt in my mind, nothing would stop me from doing so.
One Monday morning in our local paper was a headline young wife & mother killed along with two of her three children by impaired driver. The article went on to describe a woman suspected of being under the influence of alcohol had crossed the double yellow line and hit them head on.
The woman from my alanon group had been absent for a long time returning one evening with regret, remorse and both shoulders filled with guilt. She never made that phone call only threatened too in hopes that would deter her sister from driving drunk. She had been in counseling and returned to talk to the rest of the group about fear, fear of conflict with the alcoholic, fear of not paying bills, fear of making the alcoholics life harder by losing a license and the privilege of driving. She was there to tell us to confront our fears and take control by making that phone call.
Her sister received 29 years in jail. She had to sell her house and she continues with counseling in hopes she can someday resolve all her remorse her guilt and many regrets.
I am thankful I have never had to make that call but today I can say without a doubt in my mind, nothing would stop me from doing so.
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