IPT

Thanks for sharing your experiences. Yeah, I think it is the addict, but in her case the severe self-esteem issue that causes the discomfort. She just thinks she will have nothing to say, that she is stupid, not good enouhg, or that they are judging her. We spoke about it many times. I have heard comments said to her and later when she speaks about realize she totally takes it out of context and beats herself up about it. Blows me away.

Truth is to some extent I am still in denial about just what type of person I am dealing with. I still expect her to act "normal", to follow thru, to actually make the efforts she says she will. I do have expectations. In a healthy relationship that should be okay. Guess that leaves me in an unhealthy relationship.

Either I leave, or she changes. Nothing changes if nothing changes....

I have in a lot of ways changed myself - but today I have fallen flat on my face :wtf2

IPT

there really was never any time she didn't say she wasn't going. This has been planned for months. It's just that we leave in a few days and she is distant. Did the same last year and it was a scrable at the wire. Trying to avoid that again...

Trofnelo

Do what you can control to avoid the problems from last year. There is no way you can 100% avoid a scramble if there are things that you have to count on her to do cuz you can't control whether she does those things or not....so the scramble will only be avoided if she does her part. In other words don't feel responsible for everything only your part.

My BF got distant too sometimes...it always seemed to hit me really hard and I would start to feel very needy.
Sorry you are having such a bad day....there will be better ones ahead.

HopeTo180

IPT,

"He who cares least wins"
"He who angers you wins"

These sound corny but they've stood the test of time.

From what I'm reading, you care about her 4,000 % more than she does about herself.
I know you love her but you must love yourself more. It's not worth what you're going through. If I were you, I would make a plan A and a plan B. A would be if she goes (you've probably got that all planned out). B would be if she doesn't go. Re-write the trip with plan B, be totally selfish, treat yourself. Take a much needed break emotionally, you sure deserve one. You need to get your strength back, your focus, your heart. She is exhausting all the energy you have. Pull back a little and focus on you. If it's meant to be, she will come around. She'll see. It's the subtle things that an addict sees. The subtle things make them think, realize what they may lose. You sure have a lot of strength, I'm sorry you're going through this and hope it all works out. Prayers

IPT

My strength, as tremendous as it is, and that has been pointed out to me many times, iit does not suit me well in this situation (). I would agree I do seem to care WAY more about her than she does herself (or me for that matter...).

As for the trip - and her part. Reality is I am in charge of it all. Everything I need for me is the same I will need for us. Her involvement basically comes down to us choosing food that she will like (and of course increasing the quanitity for 2 people vs one). Then her choosing her gear (I know what I need, she will be unsure and need guidence). What messed us up last year was she wasn;t packed and did it all last min when we should have been on the road already. A lot of extra stess that was un-needed in my opinion.

No need to re-wrtie the trip if she doesn't go. I've done it solo before and had a good time. In fact she may slow me down. However, it is a worthy tradeoff because I enjoy her company and sharing the beauty and good things in life with her.

Thank you all for being there for me today. It was a big help :ghug

She did text, said she'd be over tonight "'if you are still available". We'll see if she shows, or how late she'll be.

IPT

She kills me - said she'd be here at 6:30. I call at 6:40 and she says she is just getting ready to leave - her moms of course. I said, but you said you'd be here at 6:30 and it's 6:40 and your just "getting ready?". Her reply, "I'm doing the best that I can". Yeah, well I guess it's sort of hard to function when you're stoned!

IPT

Shocker - she texted and said there is "a lot of tension at her house" (I have not heard her voice in 3 days - just texts). "She can't explain it now, but will later". Yeah sure...what a joke. Am I pissed, you bet! At myself and her. This a BAD day and I know only I am in control to stop them from happening. I just don't want to let go. Maybe I feel like if she respected my needs it would redeem me in some way (I know, not possible).

I texted her I'd come to her moms so we could organize our list there. "That won't work" she replied. Of course by then I was already there - her car was there, but not her moms, nor anyone home (at least she's not cheeting on me). God I could just scream!

At least I took care of myself. Went to REI, got the gear and food that I will need for the trip. She can take care of her own stuff...

Abundance

IPT....... I get the feeling you are looking for proof.... that it just can't be the fact that she is choosing her family drama over you and that she smokes weed. I just have that hunch.

You are going on a trip! You are getting away from *her* and all of this drama! Freeing yourself from all of it. Escape into doing some nice things for you.

I know that their resentments towards us shouldn't be something for us to worry about. But have you thought that maybe she has got to be wondering that by you showing so many actions of caring towards her while she is not reciprocating them towards you that she is being resentful towards herself about it? Like...... "why does he still care about me so much, when clearly I am not showing him that I care so much about myself?" The only reason I am saying that ~ is because my guy told me that as being one of his resentments towards not only me - but other people as well.

That struck a chord with me. It's like.... they are telling us to BACK OFF. Let THEM take accountability for their stuff. Let THEM work through it themselves!

I think she is telling you the same.

I'm sorry if I'm adding insult to injury...... but it's just what I'm seeing here.

So..... you know what? JUST LOOK AFTER YOU!!!!! IF anything at all - cross the board - only good things are going to come out of this!!!!

LET GO and LET GOD!!!!!!!!

xoxoxo

Ann

Wow, all that anxiety won't change the outcome...either she will go or she won't go and either she is using or is not and just having a rough time emotionally (which happens in early recovery).

Just think for a moment if you spent all that energy on yourself, planning what YOU want to do and then just doing it. What a load that would life, yes?

These words come from my own experience, I was the organizer of the world not long ago and in the end I discovered that the thought that I could organize anyone but myself was an illusion, and only led me to frustration and disappointment when things didn't go my way. Meetings helped me find my own footing, and released me of the burden of anxiety and panic.

Hope you have a wonderful trip, alone or not.

Hugs

beegee

Wow, I am reading this and thinking you need to reread your posts. Because you answered yourself many times as to what you should do or not do. If she goes you will have to plan a better pack for her. If she doesn't then your set to go anyway.
I have a daughter who doesn't plan anything EVER! It drives me nuts, she just goes haphazzard into everything. I finally had to walk away from asking her anything because I could not begin to control her answer sooner then last second. So I don't plan anything where she is concerned because she knows my buttons. I plan with my other ad because she plans.
You need to let go, she isn't calling because she doesn't want to! She isn't telling you anything because she is messed up. She should show you more respect but she isn't, because she is thinking about herself more. Boy I know how hard it is to not get answers, no matter how important. Like how much trouble is it to make a call? How busy can a person be? Well, for them it is the end of the world to make a plan, for us it is the end of the world not to have a plan. Make your own plan and next time think about asking her because she is wrecking your fun time to think about even going. (((HUGS)))
I ask my d nothing anymore, she makes plans with her friends for a concert because that is important to her not me. Let it roll off, you have to. She won't change....

Chino

On one of trips last year, my husband and I invited our daughter to come along. When she realized she forgot her ID, she called her brother and he brought it to the airport. We wanted a good seat so we boarded anyway while she waited for him. Then she forgot one of her bags at security and had to jump through hoops to get it back. TSA doesn't like that kind of thing.

The airline held the plane for her for a few minutes, then came and told us they couldn't wait any longer. I just smiled and said thank you anyway, while my husband was fuming. I called her on her cell, told her too bad but you can always try the next flight, love you goodbye.

She worked it out because she wanted to be there, I slept like a baby during the flight, and my husband fumed alone.

Done_With_It

I agree with what's been said above.. You seem to be getting awfully angry when things aren't going exactly how you want them to go.
Even when people are sober, they don't always go the way we want them to go.
One thing I've learned in sobriety is things are not always going to go the way I want them to go, and people don't work around my schedule.
Give and Take.....
And if it's not working for you, you have the choice to walk away.
Your choice of staying and being angry at her, is on you just as much as it is on her.
Sometimes walking away is the best gift we can give to ourselves.

JMO~ Good Luck and I hope you do have a great time on your trip, sounds like it could be a great time!!! Have a good time and take care of YOU! You deserve it.


:ghug3

Abundance

IPT....... above in the stickies are the 12 steps for codies. I am doing them..... and it really helps me put the focus where it belongs - on me. I challenge you to answer 10 of the questions in Step 1. I am already stuck.... but that is because with one question I could write a flipping book!!!!!

And then I realized something..... I might start a new thread about it though.

IPT

I think that is a HUGE part of it. I am having a very hard time accepting reality. What about all those things she said? What about those few actions she did take? I know the reality of it (ot at least I am trying to know and accept it) but it hurts, it sucks, and it is painful. Very hard to accept..

No, I haven’t. Though it is an excellent point and one I will need to ponder some more. Thank you

Ann – thank you. It will be a ggod trip for me, with or with out. I am almost thinking about telling her I want to go without her after the ways she has treated me and my needs.

Bee - I have read this many, many times. Knowing the answer and acting on it are very different (I am an addict too in a way). I am having a hard time as I come out of denial and face the facts. It was easier to just fight the fight to have my needs meet and recognized. “You need to let go, she isn't calling because she doesn't want to! She isn't telling you anything because she is messed up. She should show you more respect but she isn't, because she is thinking about herself more” Isn’t that the truth. Thanks for the hug – I really need it right now.

Chino – I hope I can attain that level of peace. You are right, she goes where she wants to. Though she says she’d rather “be with you” than dealing with all that. Though she chooses to be there. I see both sides. I’d rather be out playing than working. Yet, I choose to go to work. I guess her sense of responsibility regarding her family trumps all. Even if it is not the road to her happiness. Until she changes her priorities it doesn’t matter much.

Thank you, thank you too all of you. This helps me work thru this. I very much appreciate you sharing you perspectives, and experiences. Helping me see what is in front of me that I do not want to really accept…sucks.

IPT

done with it - I was doing so good then it all crashed yesterday. I am angry because once again I trusted and got let down. It is my choice, and for the life of me I can't understand why I stay. I realize my roll, and up till yesterday I was living and let living - then it all crashed for some reason. I think because the impending trip. I did not want it to start off like last year so felt I needed to get it under control early.

More power to Chino - I will be okay solo on my trip. However, truth is I have done a lot of solo trips and am at a point in my life where I am seeking company. To have her not go because she can't get it together would sort of hurt both of us really. Anyway, it is what it is. Either she will or she won't. It's another sad day......

IPT

FWIW - I didn't even bring my phone into work. No texts today. If she has something to say she can call me like an adult..

Done_With_It

I totally understand.... I really do.. I think when we give our power to people then our lives are hard to manage. I understand that so well.
It is hard to find that fine line, where to let people in but not give them
your power or let them be the outcome of your day.
It's a process and takes practice. No one is worth your happiness, sober
or using. When we're unhappy it is so hard for the happiness to find it's
way to us.... That's been my experience anyway.
Hang in there, all we can do it to keep trying and keep working on ourselves.
Your doing Great!! :atv

Abundance

IPT!!!!! RIGHT ON!!!!

Someone here told me that the difference between a good day and a bad day is about 2 days!

(not sure if I fully understand what that means, but it works for me!)

HopeTo180

IPT,
Question: (without all that you know about her family and drug problems)
If you only looked at her actions, you would not give her the time of day!
She has disrespected you! You normally would never put up with such a thing.
You're at the point now of chasing your own tail. At this point I hope you go on the trip by yourself. This is the only way you will be able to stop the insanity.
Like a drowning swimmer, she has taken you down with her.
I will bet you, the next time, you will see it coming! It's a good learning experience for you and everyone else reading your post. I hope your trip finds you in total tranquility.

Chino

You sound like my husband

This is what I tell him:

You know you can't control her and when you accept that, you won't get mad any more. You'll still be disappointed because you love her, but you won't be mad.

IPT, it took me a year of my RAD's active addiction to get where I am, but it's been a lifetime of control issues to work through. My daughter's addiction was the jump start to seriously work on me.