Jody Hepler

Been there, done that, and have the scars in my heart to prove it.

I wanted them to be sober more than they did.

How do you know when addict is lying - they are moving their mouths.

I was as addicted to them as they were to their drugs. If I wasn't addicted, it wouldn't hurt so much to break it.

I was told to not call, write (we didn't have email or text back then) for 7 days. Don't take the phone calls, don't answer the door - stay away totally. Stop talking about them to others (kept the addiction going). I got totally nuts. Felt crazy, crying, sweating, terrible anxiety, couldn't sleep, headaches and stomach ache, emotions going up and down, absolutely obssessed with addict - I was in full blown withdrawal from the addict - and had the same physical symptoms of someone kicking drugs. And then the counselor helped me to do what I had to do to get my act together.

I proved to myself that I had an addiction too.

Keep coming back - you can get "better" and find peace and happiness whether she ever gets really clean. And if she does, you'd have to make these changes anyway.

Jody Hepler

IPT

Hope - you know a friend said something similar. If I had just started dating her now and this is how it was going would I even pursue it? Of course not. Somehow I am enmeshed in it though. Can’t seem to rip myself free. More below.

Chino – I was never one with control issues. Not that I was aware of really. We spoke about that in my counseling. He felt that “yes” I was acting controlling, but that under the circumstances that was understandable. Not the appropriate action, because all that did was push her harder to pull away and fight. Yet an understandable action for a situation where I was being controlled and manipulated by someone in a controlling way.

Jody – thanks. There was a time when I just pulled back. She pushed it too far, like this time. It took several days for her to reach out. I was pretty at peace with it after the distance. Then she gave me the wounded bird story of her childhood, upbringing, and how she loved me but not herself – that suckered me right back in. I realize that when I am hankering to call her it is a withdrawal symptom and it gives me extra resolve.
I DO love her, I DO want to help her, I DO want to see her be successful. She says she does, but her actions just do not back it up. Again, I am having a hard time accepting reality. I believe the words and accept the tiny actions she puts forward. She does well a few days and then tells me she is weakening and falls. Then she come around and tries again. I have (until yesterday) for the most part let go of trying to control her. She does what she wants anyway. In fact if I control, we just fight and then she uses me as an excuse (instead of accepting the responsibility). Except for yesterday (dang it) I have learned my lessen about how that works against me.

A big part of the frenzy yesterday was me fighting to be treated respectfully, a losing battle with someone in this state. Again denial, I just have not accepted that she is who she really is. As I try to, because it is now so in my face (since I changed me and took the fight/blame on me away) it is just downright painful…. Last time I stood my ground and I told her to leave I had mixed feelings about. I even told her I didn't know what I wanted excpet that it couldn't go on like that. Course she agreed, and then nothing really changed. I have changed me and my actions (except that one slip). I need to get back on track and look reality in the eyes.

Chino

That's a really good point. The more I talked about my daughter, the more active I was in "my" addiction. Looking back, it's been true about any one/thing I've obsessed over.

At some point, my sly therapist managed to turn all my rants back onto me and how I was going to deal with it. When I realized he wasn't going to allow me to stay active in it, I caved in and started working on me.

IPT

I can't believe that along with feeling sad about My loss (the fantasy I guess because really I don't have much do I....?) I feel guilty. I just see this poor girl abandonded and down, who got delt a sh**y deck of cards in life, now making poor choice after poor choice. She even said once "I keep making the same mistakes. I don't know what it is gonna take for me to learn". She has virtually no healthy support and all she knows is dysfunction. I know I can't save her. Though, I could be the leaning post can't I?

Not making any rash decsions yet. Feeling more at peace without my phone here, waiting for it to beep or needing to fight the urge to text her. I know I would feel better if she just reached back -that is all about contol isn't it? It just sucks when you have none. Like stated above usually it is give and take. This is all take, take, take - and then she gets mad at me because I am controlling! Who is she kidding? I rarely get my way! last night she texted for me to relax. Well, if she was more communicative and I knew what the H*LL was going on I could have relaxed. I am addicted.....

Man, o' man....

HopeTo180

IPT,
You're almost there! You're on your way back! Keep up the work to understand! Control what is controllable, yourself. You will get back who she really is, if you just step back and let her fall. Just tell her that you're there for her when she needs you. That's all. Nothing else. Prayers

IPT

Where's the exit to this ride??? Probably right infront of me. Dang it, why won't my legs work.....ugh.

IPT

Well, had a brief convo with her and then a text after work. She states that she is "devasated" (at what I don't know) and too upset to even talk at work. I asked if she was planning on still going and she was suprised I even asked (like not seeing her for a week and not speaking directly on the phone for more than 3 days is normal in a 3 yr relationship). Then when I told her I had no idea because we've had such little communication she got all upset and started crying. Then she was upset she was crying at work. Ugh. Then, I get a text "I can only go till Monday. I need to work Tuesday and Wed".

Say what? We took this time off weeks ago. Well apparently she didn't, or, since she called in sick last Friday her boss won't let her go. More reprecusions. Sad thing is nearly this exact thing happened a month ago. She didn't offically take off (was gonna call in sick I guess - real responsible, aye?), then left work early the Friday before we were supposed to go away and then couldn't go. Her boss called and found out she wasn't there. He called her at home and said she needed to be in on Monday. She was a mess, and totally upset at herself. Almost suicidally upset. Guess she didn't learn a thing from it though. So, it looks like I will most likely be going solo..or at least half of it. I do not plan on cutting my trip short because of her errors in judgement and poor choices. What a shame....and of course it MAKES ME SO #*$^*@ MAD! However, I have taken deep breaths, vented to close friend, and am sort of at peace with it.

Do these people never learn? Guess I could ask myself the same question huh? Human Psychology, or addicition and co-dependance as it were, is just to damn confusing....

eaglesgirl

When dealing with an active addict, things always come up and change the best laid plans...When my RAH and I made plans while he was smack in the middle of active addiction, he too, used to get "calls" from "work" stating he was needed there and had to cut plans short... "Work" was like his code word for his DOC..... It was almost as if he truly thought that he could abstain from using for x amount of days, but the closer it got to be time to elave, the louder his addiction would protest...

My RAH now has almost 21 months in active recovery...

Please be careful and continue to take extra care of you... You are doing great, making small steps... They say "progress, not perfection"

HopeTo180

Welcome back IPT!

IPT

So...... she came over last night. There were lots of tears (on her part). She is a sad, hurting, and very unhappy being trapped between a dysfunctional family and something she wants but can;t find the strength to attain. Her mom has severe depression and she does not have the strength to draw boundaries to protect herself. "How do you leave your mother when she is upset and crying?" A place I wouldn;t want to be.

None the less my Counselor mad an intresting observation today. He said she is the perfect "hook" for me. Really needy at times, yet totally emotioanlly unavailable and unattainable at others. Just as I start to walk (emotionally) because she isn;t there - she suddenly "needs" me (in my eyes) - and the dance goes on.

Just thought I'd share that. I need to think about it some more, but I suspect that many of us are trapped in that very dance......

IPT

Just an update. I am doing really well! I am packed for my trip and really excited. She is trying to sort out how she is going to get home. I have to admit I went a little codie and looked at some bus/train schedules to show her how she could get home. Now it's up to her to take care of it all. At this point, if she doesn't go i will only be sad she didn't take care of herself. I will enjoy her there, but am also looking forward to the solo time. Whether it is the entire trip or just part remains to be seen. Have a great long weekend!

BBD

I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself with or without her. Helping her find a way home isn't in my mind being cody....just helping! as with any other person. I have read all your posts and my thought on all this are still wavering. You have alot on your plate and hopefully soon you'll see a remedy for all your heartaches. Enjoy!! Smiles, Bonnie