Back again need to vent
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 57
Back again need to vent
Well I have not posted here in forever. My AH had left us and went to another state. I ended up letting him come home. He swore he stay sober well it didn't last long. Things were ok most of the time then I became pregnant (I was on the pill) we were fighting when I found out. So I overcame my shock and we both became thrilled. Then the unimaginable in June I lost her. I was so in shock still am this was my third child my first I had at 17 youd think things could go wrong then up at 30 I was not expecting this.
Well I was a complete basket case I drank to the point I was quite ready to drive right off a bridge, I still have my days being around pregnant people still pushes me to the edge. So I think that gave my AH a reason to start up again drinking wise, well ok I know I can't make if drink but I feel he used it as an excuse . I had not drank in a long time although it was never a problem till I lost the baby. I saw I was out of control so I had to stop I would have killed myself if I continued so I just quit why the hell can't he.
Now we aren't even sleeping in the same room since he came home on speed. I just can't do it any more and think of leaving. But then I cannot stand knowing if I leave I'll never have another baby to hold. I know it's messed up but it consumes me it's all I think about before he came home on speed we talked about having 2 more just cause I wanted it. We would have only had her and I would have got my tubes tied but losing her changed me. I want a baby so badly I think of just dealing with it all for another child but how do I do that I to I change how I feel ? How can I be such horrible person I mean I have my 2 kids already I should move on and be grateful. I just can't I'll never be the same again.
Well I was a complete basket case I drank to the point I was quite ready to drive right off a bridge, I still have my days being around pregnant people still pushes me to the edge. So I think that gave my AH a reason to start up again drinking wise, well ok I know I can't make if drink but I feel he used it as an excuse . I had not drank in a long time although it was never a problem till I lost the baby. I saw I was out of control so I had to stop I would have killed myself if I continued so I just quit why the hell can't he.
Now we aren't even sleeping in the same room since he came home on speed. I just can't do it any more and think of leaving. But then I cannot stand knowing if I leave I'll never have another baby to hold. I know it's messed up but it consumes me it's all I think about before he came home on speed we talked about having 2 more just cause I wanted it. We would have only had her and I would have got my tubes tied but losing her changed me. I want a baby so badly I think of just dealing with it all for another child but how do I do that I to I change how I feel ? How can I be such horrible person I mean I have my 2 kids already I should move on and be grateful. I just can't I'll never be the same again.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I do understand how the loss of a child can bring you to very dark places, but I am glad that you saw the problem and recognized that if you kept going you too might end up in a very bad place.
I think you are grieving your loss and the desire to have another baby is understandable, but for the sake of your children that you have now and to come, perhaps waiting until things are more stable would be best. I don't think you have to equate staying with your husband as your only chance to have another child...you are young and there is much life to be lived. Only you can decide whether to stay or go, but I hope you can see past your grief to make a decision based on what is best for you and your kids and not to fill the sadness you are feeling now. Take your time and weigh you options. I have found it amazing how once I feel certain of a course, things work out in ways I never would have imagined.
Perhaps some counseling would be helpful for you? There is also an organization for parents who have lost children called Compassionate Friends. You can find their website on the internet and it lists meeting locations throughout the country. Many find it helpful in the same way that Naranon and Alanon is helpful for loved ones of addicts. Just being with people who understand your loss and can share their experiences and strength is often very good for moving through the grief process.
My prayers are with you. Be very gentle with yourself.
I think you are grieving your loss and the desire to have another baby is understandable, but for the sake of your children that you have now and to come, perhaps waiting until things are more stable would be best. I don't think you have to equate staying with your husband as your only chance to have another child...you are young and there is much life to be lived. Only you can decide whether to stay or go, but I hope you can see past your grief to make a decision based on what is best for you and your kids and not to fill the sadness you are feeling now. Take your time and weigh you options. I have found it amazing how once I feel certain of a course, things work out in ways I never would have imagined.
Perhaps some counseling would be helpful for you? There is also an organization for parents who have lost children called Compassionate Friends. You can find their website on the internet and it lists meeting locations throughout the country. Many find it helpful in the same way that Naranon and Alanon is helpful for loved ones of addicts. Just being with people who understand your loss and can share their experiences and strength is often very good for moving through the grief process.
My prayers are with you. Be very gentle with yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
((lostnow)) Lots of good thoughts from Greet. I want to add my prayers for you. You are going through so much, I really hope you can find some sort of support for it all, like counseling or the group mentioned. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. You are young; give yourself time -- this is a lot for anyone to handle.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
lostnow
So sorry for your loss. In our society, we don't have very good ways to help people grieve the loss of an unborn child. And that makes it all the harder because women who lose a child that way not only have the grief, but they are alone in that grief as well.
I pray that you find some peace in knowing that the little one is in a much better place and has escaped the pain of this world.
When you have taken the time to grieve and feel a little better (it will take time), it might be helpful to think about other ways you can get your need to love a child met.
If you have children and this does not help you, there may be deeper longings in your heart that no number of children can satisfy. If there is a deep wound in you, a child can sooth it for a while (particularly a baby), and when that baby gets older, there the wound is again.
That woundedness often keeps us addicted to our addicts as well as we try to heal in them what is unhealed in us. My hope for you is that you would find support for your grief and loss, both now and from the past, so that you can be healed and free.
God Bless you on your journey.
So sorry for your loss. In our society, we don't have very good ways to help people grieve the loss of an unborn child. And that makes it all the harder because women who lose a child that way not only have the grief, but they are alone in that grief as well.
I pray that you find some peace in knowing that the little one is in a much better place and has escaped the pain of this world.
When you have taken the time to grieve and feel a little better (it will take time), it might be helpful to think about other ways you can get your need to love a child met.
If you have children and this does not help you, there may be deeper longings in your heart that no number of children can satisfy. If there is a deep wound in you, a child can sooth it for a while (particularly a baby), and when that baby gets older, there the wound is again.
That woundedness often keeps us addicted to our addicts as well as we try to heal in them what is unhealed in us. My hope for you is that you would find support for your grief and loss, both now and from the past, so that you can be healed and free.
God Bless you on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I'm so sorry about the miscarriage. It's always a devastating experience. So, please accept my condolences for that loss.
As for your current situation, I have to ask:
Is this the person you really want as a father to another child? Does your desire to have another baby come before keeping yourself and your current children safe and away from an addict?
Also, if I read what you posted correctly, you are 30? I had my first at 37. You have lots of time. Women are having them well into their 40's (not that I recommend that, but it's happening more and more.)
As for your current situation, I have to ask:
Is this the person you really want as a father to another child? Does your desire to have another baby come before keeping yourself and your current children safe and away from an addict?
Also, if I read what you posted correctly, you are 30? I had my first at 37. You have lots of time. Women are having them well into their 40's (not that I recommend that, but it's happening more and more.)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 57
I never felt a need like this before with wanting to have another child until losing this baby so it's different for me. It's as if every thing I have ever thought or felt was turned upside down with this loss. I have talked with others who have been through this and it was helped me move out of that dark place I was in.
Then I allow my addict to pull me right back in and thats why I'm here again. I helps to hear advice from those who understand addicts, those you have suffered a lost like mine don't always understand the addict part to this it has made things so much more complicated for me.
Zombiewife your right that's not what I want at all I want him sober so we can move on.I know I can't make that happen though.
As for my age I'm soon to be 30 and if I waited till I was 37 my oldest would be 19! I can't image that age difference in siblings. I know too though it's in my best interest to take care of my kids and me. I should move on but I'm stuck.
Then I allow my addict to pull me right back in and thats why I'm here again. I helps to hear advice from those who understand addicts, those you have suffered a lost like mine don't always understand the addict part to this it has made things so much more complicated for me.
Zombiewife your right that's not what I want at all I want him sober so we can move on.I know I can't make that happen though.
As for my age I'm soon to be 30 and if I waited till I was 37 my oldest would be 19! I can't image that age difference in siblings. I know too though it's in my best interest to take care of my kids and me. I should move on but I'm stuck.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I am so sorry for your loss. It's a terrible thing to lose a baby, my daughter lost a baby and so did my oldest son and watching them was very sad. It will take a while for the pain to ease up but give it time, you'll start to feel alive again soon.
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