lily89

Hello everyone,

I'm hoping you might be able to offer me some advice.
I'm dating a man who has used cocaine in the past. When we first started dating he told me that he had a serious cocaine addiction to the point where he was doing it almost everyday and even before work. One of his good friends is a recovery specialist and he said that this friend helped him to
become clean and that he doesn't use anymore. I'm not sure of the exact timeline of all this but it's all within the past 3 years.
But lately I'm worried he's using again. He hasn't had any money at all. He even had to borrow money from me, and he makes at least $40,000 a year and he's 46 years old. He was really anxious and depressed for several days about money and I asked him if it was something else, like drugs again, and he said no...he just has a lot of bills credit card payments etc.
So I did a bad thing and looked into his phone because I felt he was hiding something. He had a text message to someone I don't know saying "Do you have a tube," another saying "Can you get anything quick tonight?" and a few others about exchanging money with this person. I've never told him I've looked into his phone. But I've told him several times I'm very worried about him relapsing and he assures me that he's not using, he sometimes gets defensive. I feel like he could be lying..........HELP I love him so much and I'm so confused. How can I find out if he's really using again????

Impurrfect

(((Lily)))

I think you're gut is telling you he IS using, and I would go with your gut.

I'm a recovering crack addict, and I see red flags in his behaviors.

He is not going to admit using...that's part of the behavior. Even if you caught him red-handed, he would come up with an excuse. With an addict, you have to pay attention to their ACTIONS, not their words.

I would NOT loan him any more money and I would quickly start detaching. It hurts, really bad, when you love an addict. The best thing you can do is take care of YOU. He's going to do what he's going to do...no matter what you say or do. You are stressed by his behavior and you don't trust what he says because it goes against your gut....this is not a healthy relationship and you DESERVE a healthy relationship.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

lily89

Thank you for your honest advice however devastating it may be...After reading your post I was overwhelmed with the urge to just break down and cry and I've never been emotional about this...You've hit hard on all of the things I've been in denial about, it hurts, but thank you.

Freedom1990

Whether he's using or not, ask yourself, is this acceptable behavior to you?

What are you willing to settle for in your life?

I know it hurts, been there, done that, got that t-shirt.

My bar of standards is pretty high today

ZombieWife

It sounds really fishy to me, personally, but I would go with your gut above all else. And I agree to protect your finances. I have a savings account for our family that I put most of our extra money into. My RAH doesn't know about it. It will stay that way - probably for a very very long time. I know he's been clean for a year, but I don't trust him with money when he's NOT using as it is. He's just terrible with it.

I also agree that if you confront him, he will lie. Even if you found white powder and a razor blade. "It's not mine. It's someone else's. I found that. It's old stuff I was going to throw away. My dog at my homework... blah blah."

I mean, you could just wait and see. Either way, lots of love to you.

outtolunch

[QUOTE=Impurrfect;1882192](((Lily)))

With an addict, you have to pay attention to their ACTIONS, not their words. /QUOTE]

Well said, Amy.

Troubledone

lily89

My heart goes out to you. It may be helpful if you do allow yourself to break down and cry - this is a very sad situation.

I just have to tell you that addicts are so incredibly genuine when they lie, that you can rely only on what you see, never what they say. My niece bamboozled me for 4.5 years - as well as her p.o., the courts, everybody - even while taking UA's several times a week. I found her drug use by looking in her journals and her phone.

If you can believe this, she told me that she put all the journal entries that described her drug use in her journal to check to see if I was checking up on her. The lies can be so preposterous that they make us wonder about our own sanity.

I agree with the posts above - please protect your finances. Dating a guy who needs to borrow money from you is a very bad start - particularly for a guy who is 46 years old. By that age, if a person is not in control of their finances, they are in no shape to have a relationship. Healthy men want to be able to provide for a family (at least 50-50). If he's borrowing money from you at best he is looking for someone to take care of him (typical addict behavior) whether he admits it or not.

Questions are: - what do YOU want out of a relationship? How much of this drama can you stand. Do you want to spend your time waiting for a 46 year old to get his act together or cut your losses and find someone deserving of you. I know this sounds harsh, but I have seen so many competent women hook up with losers, hoping that they could love or control them into being men. It does not work that way. If you "help" him become a man, you are technically his mother - and he's way too old to appreciate another mother.

I do so hope that you can find within yourself the things that make you inclined to stay. There are many women who would have probably dumped him at the first request for money. Women with that kind of confidence don't want to be dragged down by someone who hasn't become a responsible mature adult yet. What keeps you hanging on?

And - golly, this might be really harsh, so I'll apologize right away for it - What is this "love" that you feel? Is it the respect and admiration you might feel for someone who meets your highest standard for life values, or is it the puppy dog - I want to help him kind of love - or something else. This is an important question to ask yourself. Because if it is nothing less than respect and admiration, you are on a very slippery slope and setting yourself up for a long and bumpy ride. And if it is something else, it probably indicates that there is something unhealed in you that you are trying to satisfy by loving him. And it does not work that way either.

Please give yourself the gift of going to some Naranon family group meetings, get a therapist, keep posting here, etc.

Prayers that you find what is real and wholesome and realiable and that you have the courage to go for it.

God Bless

rahsue

Using or not, what do you want to live with? Second guessing things all the time is pure he** believe me.

good luck