TwoOfHearts

So... 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend came out of prison (where he was for 10 months) for possession of prescription meds. He got tested for HIV 2 weeks before his release. The likelihood of him having contracted anything is very low, as he was only in for 10 months and I know he wouldn't have been missing sex so much that he had to go at it with someone inside.

Regardless, I told him I wanted to wear a condom while having sex until I was sure we were both safe (HIV can take a while to be detectable in blood tests). He threw a fit because he felt that I couldn't trust that he hadn't been in contact with another man (I know he wouldn't voluntarily, but.. it's prison). I told him that, while I was 99% sure, I didn't think he would tell me about it if he had... And HIV is irreversible, and I cannot take the risk, even if it's 1%.

He was still mad at me, and said that he couldn't be with someone that didn't trust him. To which I responded that he knew I didn't trust him 100%, and the whole point of us getting back together was trying to rebuild that trust. After threatening to break up with me, and sulking for a while (I just stood my ground by remaining silent), he agreed to wearing the condoms until I felt ready (I told him it would be some time around or before October, at which point we would get tested).

But last night we ran out of the condoms he likes, and he told me how he would like to have sex without a condom, that I was being irrational and ignorant about this whole thing and I should do my research. To which I said that, regardless of whatever I found, I would still freak out about it if we had sex without a condom. I would immediately start thinking "what if I got HIV??," etc., etc.

Well, he got all pissy again and said he was sick of it, and reiterated all the things he had said before. He said I had 2 days (HA!) to make a decision, and that he would stand his ground.

This morning, he woke me up and kissed me. I asked him if he had forgotten about last night, and he said no, that that was my decision (in a way, it made me feel better because I know he isn't mad at me, it's a matter of principle to him because he feels insulted by my not trusting 100% he hasn't been with another man).

I feel we were doing well, and I would have probably been fine with getting tested again in 3 or 4 weeks, and then getting over the whole issue. But I know that I cannot agree to having sex without a condom right now. I feel it would be giving in, and putting him first when I would be freaking out in my head.

My plan is to talk to him about it again, the same way that I did the first time. But I need to be strong because he is very good at convincing people that his way is the best way. This isn't about logic though, and he should respect my feelings. The truth is that he put himself in this situation because he broke my trust, and now has to be patient in order to re-build it. But he doesn't see this as his responsibility at all.

Any suggestions as to how I can keep myself focused on me? I don't want to lose him over something this stupid, but I need to think about my health.

Thanks!

Jewelz

Twoofhearts, your body and your health period. You are completely right in how you feel and if he doesn't understand this or respect where your coming from then really you dont need to take that chance just to pacify him. Heck if waited ten months he could wait till he purchases the condoms he likes. He could also make sure he has enough handy and not run out.

Stay strong and dont let him convince you of anything that you truly believe in.

Hugs,
Jewelz

TwoOfHearts

Thanks! I think I'll use this one tonight:

Da*m right!

MsPINKAcres

There was a young lady who shared on one of these threads about contracting an STD - it wasn't HIV, but it was another STD that was non curable.

I do not remember her name - but she was in her early twenties and had no idea what all was going on with her BF. She was urging others to get tested and to have safe sex no matter what "he" said. She had learned her lesson the hard way and would have the consequences for the rest of her life.

You are worthy of someone respecting your boundaries and deserve to be treated with love, trust and respect.

Please remember a physical relationship is about an expression of mutual love, desire and respect for each other - It should be about intimacy not just the physical act. Hopefully your BF will see this as you take up for yourself.

You are worth it.

TwoOfHearts

You are absolutely right, and I hope he sees it too. He is very stubborn, and gets into these little relapses to his former selfish self. I've learned to let him think about it on his own for a while, and he generally sees the error of his ways. But sometimes I do have to talk to him about it, and I'm trying to prepare and be strong if that happens tonight.

Thank you Japic, Jewelz and Anvil! Your words hit the right spot!

TwoOfHearts

:chatter

hahahahah

cece1960

I admire you for not budging on this...you are right on SOOOO many levels.

It doesn't have to be a man, anyone can pass on the disease. And it doesn't have to be before he went to prison.
And, who's to say that you couldn't have wandered while he was in there? I'm not saying he should think you did, but testing the both of you offers a clean slate and your relationship can move forward.

Give up the few month wait, and you may find yourself resenting him for a long time for not being willing to wait.
((((Hugs)))

TwoOfHearts

I'm re-reading these because things didn't go so well with RBF tonight. I need to remind myself that Men! What is it about a little piece of rubber that drives them crazy?

Anyway... He was very loving when I got home. I walked the dog, and he cooked dinner. It seemed promising. After dinner, I asked him if he had thought about things. He had... He was standing his ground because he doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't trust him on this particular level; that if I didn't trust him with this, then why would I trust him later? He could be sleeping around, etc., so any tests would be inconclusive and I would never be 100% sure. He feels that I will never be able to trust him 100%, so we are just not going to work out in the long run. If it's not this, then it will be something else.

He is sleeping now, and I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I told him that there is no way I will feel comfortable with this within a week. And I asked him if he would rather have me put him first knowing that I would be freaking out inside my head. He keeps going back to "the facts," trying to show me I'm being irrational.

I know perfectly well that this isn't about logic, and I said so. But it is about loving myself enough and my mental sanity. Wouldn't he want that?

I think he just isn't listening. Every time I start speaking, he interrupts with a counter-argument. He is stuck in selfish mode at the moment, and I hope he snaps out of it tomorrow.

I don't know... I feel that he asked me for a second chance so he could prove himself to me, show me that he is worth trusting, and then at the first thing that isn't to his liking, he is giving up. The funny thing is that he has a huge issue with people who break commitment, and he even wrote me a letter of commitment while in rehab saying that he would show me that "love is a verb." Ironic, uh? That's the last thing I said to him.

TwoOfHearts

After I pointed out that it would be more irrational for him to throw away a 3-year relationship with someone he loves because he would be a tiny bit uncomfortable for a couple more months, he finally saw the light!!

rozied

If someone loves you with an unselfish love they don't give you ultamations. ( spelling?)
My ex told me if I didn't sleep with him we were through, I did & I was a virgin at the time. Then it was marry me now or we are through. My parents were begging us to wait until May, it was Sept then. They said wait & they would pay for a nice wedding. Well Joe & I got married in 3 wks. I caved as was my usual. I find out yrs later he quit his job a day before we married & he used the wedding present money to pay a bookie. Addicts are very selfish people!!!
Stand your ground here. It is your very life we are talking about. If he doesn't respect you enough to wait until you feel comfortable, tell him not to let the door hit him in his rear on the way out!!! You know you are right & he is acting like a spoiled child!!!

beegee

I don't get why he is fighting you at all with your wishes. You would think he would want to make you feel safe and secure and he would understand why your questioning him. Guy don't like raincoats but they will handle it when they have to.
Stand your ground and don't give in because it's your life that were talking about.

littlebird77

not to scare anyone, but just to share with the group. my boyfriend was clean from everything before he went to rehab... All of a sudden he got HepC... It could have been someone cut themselves and he shook their hand with an open wound... anything... but just to let you know there are some sicko's out there. In another post i had mentioned, he was in rehab and one of the patients with AIDS got so angry, cut themselves, and tried to stick his hand in another guys mouth... You can use the excuses that there are some really crazy people out there who want to bring everyone the misery they have. He is taking it to heart, and he should be as concerned with this as you are and get tested.