Rehab Romance?
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
My perception is that they may still be looking for some quick outside "fix" for the inside problem. Someone who will sympathize with their perception of their problems and gives them that easier, softer way rather than look at the full nature of the disease and the problems it is causing in them and their loved ones.
Just my e, s, & h,
Rita
Just my e, s, & h,
Rita
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
I guess I am a little confused. The thread title is rehab romance but then you say "What is honesty and trust? Some call it the "pink cloud" syndrome." I guess I am not quite understand what honesty, trust and the pink cloud syndrome have to do with this.
First, I agree with Rita. Rehab romance is a train wreck waiting to happen. It is a quick fix and a way to take focus off of their own feelings and issues. I saw many people take eachother out in relationships straight out of rehab, in rehab or new to sobriety.
Not sure what the honesty & trust question was about so I will wait to respond until I get a little clarification...
The pink cloud syndrome is when the newcomer thinks and feels as there is nothing that can go wrong. Let's call it an emotional high that lasts for quite a while after one quits drinking and/or doing drugs. It isn't a bad thing as long as one remember they will not always feel this way. In fact we still have to deal with life on life's terms, the good and the bad. I didn't get this pink cloud this time around. I knew the work ahead of me but that feeling was fun the first time I got sober when I was 26.
First, I agree with Rita. Rehab romance is a train wreck waiting to happen. It is a quick fix and a way to take focus off of their own feelings and issues. I saw many people take eachother out in relationships straight out of rehab, in rehab or new to sobriety.
Not sure what the honesty & trust question was about so I will wait to respond until I get a little clarification...
The pink cloud syndrome is when the newcomer thinks and feels as there is nothing that can go wrong. Let's call it an emotional high that lasts for quite a while after one quits drinking and/or doing drugs. It isn't a bad thing as long as one remember they will not always feel this way. In fact we still have to deal with life on life's terms, the good and the bad. I didn't get this pink cloud this time around. I knew the work ahead of me but that feeling was fun the first time I got sober when I was 26.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I worry about this with my AH. He's in rehab right now and has been working with a counselor who is female. He seems to really relate to her because she's a RA herself. She understands the side of him that I probably never will. Obviously he and I are not in a good place right now, but I do worry about this very topic. Drugs have been a huge part of his life - a life that I never knew about and never understood.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by Japic05 
My perception is that they may still be looking for some quick outside "fix" for the inside problem. Someone who will sympathize with their perception of their problems and gives them that easier, softer way rather than look at the full nature of the disease and the problems it is causing in them and their loved ones.
Just my e, s, & h,
Rita
Just my e, s, & h,
Rita
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Callie,
I would not worry about that at all. Though he could transfer feelings (not unusual) toward this counselor, it will pass just like the pink cloud. Also, unless he has a very sick counselor, she will recognize anything that she gets from people under her care and set the boundary.
I personally have no interest in being involved with someone as sick as me
Seriously! I am very grateful that my husband is a normie and doesn't "get" the addict mentality. I don't feel less close to him because I do not share all of this with him. That is why I have my meetings, my sponsor and SR. I don't get everything about him either. And that is OK, I really don't want to hear all about the different headers he wants to put on his Mustang. Seriously, the guy started to explain the difference in batteries last night. I listened but did I "get" it? Nope. So he does the same for me. I also don't feel the need to talk recovery 24/7 so it is REALLY nice to not with him sometimes.
Honestly Callie? What is meant to be will be. I know that for me, 91 days sober, I love my husband more now than I ever have. In fact, yesterday, on my 90 days, I sent him a lovey ecard to tell him that I am so grateful, that his belief in me means everything. I am blessed. Take care of you because you have no control over him and his recovery. we are here for you.
I would not worry about that at all. Though he could transfer feelings (not unusual) toward this counselor, it will pass just like the pink cloud. Also, unless he has a very sick counselor, she will recognize anything that she gets from people under her care and set the boundary.
I personally have no interest in being involved with someone as sick as me
Seriously! I am very grateful that my husband is a normie and doesn't "get" the addict mentality. I don't feel less close to him because I do not share all of this with him. That is why I have my meetings, my sponsor and SR. I don't get everything about him either. And that is OK, I really don't want to hear all about the different headers he wants to put on his Mustang. Seriously, the guy started to explain the difference in batteries last night. I listened but did I "get" it? Nope. So he does the same for me. I also don't feel the need to talk recovery 24/7 so it is REALLY nice to not with him sometimes. Honestly Callie? What is meant to be will be. I know that for me, 91 days sober, I love my husband more now than I ever have. In fact, yesterday, on my 90 days, I sent him a lovey ecard to tell him that I am so grateful, that his belief in me means everything. I am blessed. Take care of you because you have no control over him and his recovery. we are here for you.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Your question is a bit vague, but you said,
How could you not understand someone who has been through what you have been through better than what you have not. Seems pretty obvious... Maybe I'm not understanding the question.
What is that makes a person in recovery think that another person in recovery can understand them better?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 21
I was really vague with the question. Sorry. I was asking about the ill effect of rehab romance. What makes them think that they have found the "love of their life" there. As for honesty and trust, I was really upset about someone who did something to me while undergoing treatment in rehab. They can understand each other, just like people in alanon can understand each other.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by goinginsane
I was really vague with the question. Sorry. I was asking about the ill effect of rehab romance. What makes them think that they have found the "love of their life" there. As for honesty and trust, I was really upset about someone who did something to me while undergoing treatment in rehab. They can understand each other, just like people in alanon can understand each other.
I was in treatment for an ed, but it was an all girls treatment center, so they didn't give us the chance to bond with men fortunately. I can say the bonds I built with the girls are life long, I grew closer to some of the girls than I am to some of my family members. I was in an excellent place where we had to really open up and get well, they got to really know the "Real Me" and I was never able or I never felt able to do that with "Other People".
I can imagine for some people if you went through that with a male encounter you male feel å sense of comfort with them, a sense of acceptance that you don't get from others.
But it IS a treatment center, not real life.... You have people there to help you live your life, it's easier... and girlfriends are easier to keep that bond with.. There was a reason that where I went was an all girl place.
Me personally I would not get involved with someone in a center, never såy never, but I would try my hardest not to... and I'm pretty sure I would make that happen....
So while I can understand and see it happening, it would not be for me.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
That is exactly it. When I was in the family groups I saw couples hooking up.... heck some hooked up .... left and right. But none of them are still together a month later. It is ill advised to start a new relationship in the first year of sobriety..... and not recommended.
They call it the 13th step........ I think?
Out of the bunch that my guy was in rehab with...... we were amongst the very few couples that did stay together. He was actually advised to not stay with me since we weren't married. Even though I didn't use with him..... but because I was/ am a codie.... it was just frowned upon.
When I went for group..... the guru dude told us that we were amongst a few relationships that he approved of sticking it out... in a non-marriage situation. I think he said that cause he saw our bond, but he also knew I was in recovery ..... because my language and actions showed that I was.
Callie..... I can share your concern, because I had my concern too with a few women there too. Especially when some of the women would glare at me when I would visit, but I don't play into it. If you know what I mean?
They call it the 13th step........ I think?
Out of the bunch that my guy was in rehab with...... we were amongst the very few couples that did stay together. He was actually advised to not stay with me since we weren't married. Even though I didn't use with him..... but because I was/ am a codie.... it was just frowned upon.
When I went for group..... the guru dude told us that we were amongst a few relationships that he approved of sticking it out... in a non-marriage situation. I think he said that cause he saw our bond, but he also knew I was in recovery ..... because my language and actions showed that I was.
Callie..... I can share your concern, because I had my concern too with a few women there too. Especially when some of the women would glare at me when I would visit, but I don't play into it. If you know what I mean?
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
I think there's a large mixed-bag of reasons why folks in rehab hook up.
My last stretch was 5 months and it was a co-ed unit in an otherwise gender segregated facility. Since I've been there, they have built a new unit so that men and women in the extended care units are now segregated.
While I was there, there were all sorts of hook ups, and it became really distracting at times.
I think one of the big reasons is that once we sober up, we start feeling again. All these emotions come flooding back and they are difficult to deal with. Plus the body is physically healing. Part of being healthy includes a healthy libido and that comes flooding back as well.
And, when many come into treatment, they have shattered relationships with their significant others on the outside. So they're hurt and ashamed.
And, and, not to mention, you're cloistered together in close proximity for a time - effectively living together (in a co-ed facility).
So, in a nutshell, tons of new emotions, a rejuvinated sex drive (because we're getting physically healthy again), we are vulnerable and needy - sharing our inner-most dark secrets with each other, and fairly convinved that any romantic relationships we had in the past are all but over.
When I think of it that way, how could hook-ups not happen? That's why this facility added a new unit to separate the men from the women. It was just all too common.
As far as hooking up with a counselor, I don't see that happening. Not that it would be impossible... just pretty dang unlikely.
My last stretch was 5 months and it was a co-ed unit in an otherwise gender segregated facility. Since I've been there, they have built a new unit so that men and women in the extended care units are now segregated.
While I was there, there were all sorts of hook ups, and it became really distracting at times.
I think one of the big reasons is that once we sober up, we start feeling again. All these emotions come flooding back and they are difficult to deal with. Plus the body is physically healing. Part of being healthy includes a healthy libido and that comes flooding back as well.
And, when many come into treatment, they have shattered relationships with their significant others on the outside. So they're hurt and ashamed.
And, and, not to mention, you're cloistered together in close proximity for a time - effectively living together (in a co-ed facility).
So, in a nutshell, tons of new emotions, a rejuvinated sex drive (because we're getting physically healthy again), we are vulnerable and needy - sharing our inner-most dark secrets with each other, and fairly convinved that any romantic relationships we had in the past are all but over.
When I think of it that way, how could hook-ups not happen? That's why this facility added a new unit to separate the men from the women. It was just all too common.
As far as hooking up with a counselor, I don't see that happening. Not that it would be impossible... just pretty dang unlikely.
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Join Date: May 2008
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Thanks JAD and abs - I can for sure see that they're breaking down AH emotionally and that he is starting to feel again and think. He's actually called crying a few times, which he NEVER, EVER does. I am not really that worried about him hooking up - if he does I guess that's just the nail in the coffin. It does bother me though that he's sharing his deepest, darkest secrets of the "other life" he was leading with complete strangers when I had absolutely no clue. I don't really need to know or want to know those details I guess.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 21
Yeah with all those emotions bottled up and numbed for a long time, it starts to peak when they are no more in control. And being in close proximity with people who have similar backgrounds, make it seem like they are the only people who can understand them, which is in a way true. Rehab hookups, statistically speaking, are never good and never last. But the quick fix, path of least resistance is always promising than a struggle. I feel it's another way of procrastinating the recovery process, if at all. I have lost some one to rehab romance and am really not sure how to deal with that. I have come to accept it for what it is. I have heard people passing letters, skipping meetings etc to just be with someone. It's all hokey dory. I have a gaping hollow space left after being a codie for while. Like someone mentioned codies are frowned upon in the program. I could have not necessarily been bad for recovery, but who knows?
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