gardenwiz

Hi ,
I haven't written for such a long time. My son (20 yrs old) was clean for about 1 yr but has relapsed . I don't really know what his drug of choice is . I think it is anything he can get his hands on. He is living in our house(my husband-his father and I).
We have told him he has to find another place to live unless he gets into treatment. My problem is I don't really know how to detach from him. Can anyone give me some pointers on this. It is really hard for a mother to do this.
Thanks

outtolunch

I faced the same situation, just a few weeks ago. Once you live with an active addict, at least when the DOC is heroin, there is no mistaking the morning dope sickness and how it is, they will do just about anythig to " get their sick off".

I gave my daughter the same ultimatum and reminders that the only possible outcome was prison or death. And then she stopped, just stopped. And I <sigh> chose to accept that she stopped and did not follow through with the ultimatum.

I would love to allow myself to think what I said or my intentions made a difference. For all I know, her source dried up and it gave her the pause she needed to rethink the whole thing.

I am the last person in the world to give advice on how to detach. At this stage, I try to be grateful for today and tomorrow will be what it will be.

greeteachday

Hi - I am sorry you are going throguh this and yes it is very hard. I found taking little steps to take care of myself helped me to move the focus from my daughter to me. Coming here for support, reading recovery books and lots of face to face Naranon meetings also were extremely helpful. Little steps...eventually they add up Be kind to yourself...you deserve it!

deezaldog

This is a difficult situation. I have never had children so I am unable to give first hand experience. I have a nephew who has had a drug problem since age 12. His mother my sister gave up when he was 14 and he has lived with my mom since. He is now 22. His last rehab for cocaine was at age 17, he turned 18 in rehab and walked out that day. My mom was an enabler for him. He is the great manipulator. With me he is unsuccessfull and I think he listens, at least he does what I suggest until I am gone. He doesnt try with me because he knows I am not going to tolerate it. My mom says she feels sorry for him and loves him. I asked her if she was going to love him to death. It helped her to realize that what she thinks she is helping him with is actually allowing him to cont. his addiction. When he is ready for recovery we will be there, but until then he gets no money or free place to stay. It was hard on her at first. She also knows that I am active in recovery and have a better idea of what works for me, the alcoholic. Sorry to ramble but if it helps at all for you it is a good thing. Have you tried alanon? They are a great support system.
Also, remember you are not detaching from your son, you are detaching from his addiction.

outtolunch

Thank you for this.

MsPINKAcres

my understanding of detachment with my daughter was not doing things for her that she as an adult should be able to do for herself.

I was giving her the freedom to find her own inner strength, self-respect and dignity to strive for a better way of life. As long as I was right there, helping her put a bandaid on her bo bo's the she was never going to find her inner courage.

It was painful and it got worse before it got better - then after it got better it got much worse - today is a good day - only our HP knows what tomorrow will be - but it will be her decisions not because I have not allowed her to grow and seek her own way.

Plus I will be at a place where I am healthy enough to step back and take good care of myself.

that is what I have learned that works best for me in detaching with love thru the al-anon & nar-anon literature and working on my own recovery.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

rahsue

whew, I could probably tell you what you need to do but taking my own advice proves to be a problem. I know what would need to be done if my son relapsed and even though he is clean and sober 6 months I am still working on what I would do if he relapsed. I hope that I could say to him, "recovery or the streets without the car". That would be the best statement I could make, however, I am the biggest chicken sh** when it comes to ultimadums. And even if I were able to do this, like you, how to detach. I work on the 12 steps myself for codependency, I really do believe that reading these and the responses I type in help me a great deal. So after all this my suggestion to you is read and answer the 12 step questions, read them from time to time (I put updates in as I see a change or feel differently) it really helps me to "see the light"

good luck

Jody Hepler

I've lived through this. After almost three years, he picked up again (he was 17 years old) - and the consequence was go back to detox and an outpatient program (something so he would be accountable to someone other than his Mother) or he would have to leave immediately.

He chose "leave" - and we didn't know if he was dead or alive for 18 months. And he continued in active addiction for almost 20 years.

I just believe strongly that we need to do everything we need to do - before we let go. Because we never know what the outcome will be. I just knew that he would get back to recovery. And he didn't.

Alanon and Naranon helped me be ok whether the addicts were using or not - and I'm so very grateful for that. Or I would have never survived!

PM me if you want some more specifics.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

BBD

Hi gardenwiz~~Detaching was also hard for me. If it wasn't was therapy and alanon I don't think I would have ever been strong enough to do it. My son went into rehab last summer and I was certain he would be OK. Well~~its a year later and he's back on crack. We put so much energy, time and love into him and his recovery that this just breaks my heart. I know the illness has a hold on him but for now detaching is my game. I always want to belive the best but I had a call this morning that makes me nuts. I can't stand hearing from others that Chris is back at it but if thats the case~~~I hope he falls hard this time. And! I won't be there to pick up the pieces. Can you tell I'm a little upset?? It's better then crying. So~~p;lease do yourself a favor and go see a counselor that deals with drug addicts and learn all you can. Alanon would be good also. Lots of luck and love, Bonnie

JMFburns

GardenW,
Just wanted to welcome you back to a place you know you are safe and you can find support if you need it.

My 27 yr old AS has been struggling w/addiction for the past couple years and I was supporting him - the well has run dry and I am learning slow but sure it is his problem, not mine. All the love and support I thought I was giving him was only enabling him to continue on a path of destruction. He does not live with me and I could not help him with housing even if I wanted to. He is staying w/some old neighbors of ours, most friends have refused to let him crash on their couch. A couple months ago I thought there was no way I could live through one day without knowing he had a place to go, a place to sleep at night, etc. . . but I'm getting better at it! Thankfully I'm getting good at worrying about myself, enjoying myself, keeping myself busy or surrounding myself with the support I need. It is not my problem - I've got enough of my own, I don't need to borrow from him! He's gotta do it on his own and I'm not his HP and can't make him do it.

Good luck with your day.
Joan