just a sister
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 5
just a sister
where to begin?
I've waited so long to admit how much it hurts, I don't know where to start....and after reading the words of mothers and fathers, wives and husbands, I'm feeling like 'just a sister.' How could I possibly hurt so much from the actions of my little brother (who happens to be 44 years old)?
So maybe the best place to begin is with how I found all of you: although I haven't heard from my alcoholic/addict brother in weeks, through my Mother, I am aware that he is once again struggling to pay his rent....to eat. He hasn't called or contacted me because he believes I am finished with helping him. And I was finished....until the guilt set in. How can my husband and I consider buying a new washer and dryer when my brother may not have a safe place to live?
So earlier today, I wrote yet another check and planned to mail it.....but only after I found an Al-NON meeting to attend.....and then I found SR.
Your words are truly inspiring and have helped more than I can express. What an amazing community of human beings. Thank you.
I am not going to mail the check. I printed the sticky post 'What addicts do' and am going to tape the voided check to the bottom of the page to remind me of what I learned today.
And I plan to keep reading and when possible join in the appreciation of triumph and the prayers for those hurting. Keep writing and sharing -- you're saving us all with your words.
I've waited so long to admit how much it hurts, I don't know where to start....and after reading the words of mothers and fathers, wives and husbands, I'm feeling like 'just a sister.' How could I possibly hurt so much from the actions of my little brother (who happens to be 44 years old)?
So maybe the best place to begin is with how I found all of you: although I haven't heard from my alcoholic/addict brother in weeks, through my Mother, I am aware that he is once again struggling to pay his rent....to eat. He hasn't called or contacted me because he believes I am finished with helping him. And I was finished....until the guilt set in. How can my husband and I consider buying a new washer and dryer when my brother may not have a safe place to live?
So earlier today, I wrote yet another check and planned to mail it.....but only after I found an Al-NON meeting to attend.....and then I found SR.
Your words are truly inspiring and have helped more than I can express. What an amazing community of human beings. Thank you.
I am not going to mail the check. I printed the sticky post 'What addicts do' and am going to tape the voided check to the bottom of the page to remind me of what I learned today.
And I plan to keep reading and when possible join in the appreciation of triumph and the prayers for those hurting. Keep writing and sharing -- you're saving us all with your words.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by brucessister 
until the guilt set in. How can my husband and I consider buying a new washer and dryer when my brother may not have a safe place to live?
I am not going to mail the check. I printed the sticky post 'What addicts do' and am going to tape the voided check to the bottom of the page to remind me of what I learned today.
I am not going to mail the check. I printed the sticky post 'What addicts do' and am going to tape the voided check to the bottom of the page to remind me of what I learned today.
Guilt canhave us doing the wrong things...even more so when the guilt isn't correct. His actions put him in the place he is at. If anyone should be guilty, it should be him, not you. New washer and dryer...maybe at some time in the future, he may want clean clothes. Yes go get the washer and dryer.
Good job of not mailing the check and then posting it as a reminder.
Until he wants to stop more then he wants to drink... No amount of money will help him. His issue and only he can gather in the answers for himself.
Your doing good.
Again, welcome to SR
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
so glad that you have found us... you are not a "just" anything. All of us that have been touched by addiction share the entire experience. Some of us are more up close and personal with it but that doesn't mean that you are not as hurt or needing support. I also go to AA and we are always reminded to look for the similarities and not the differences. It really doesn't matter how you get here or there it's how you begin to learn to take care of yourself and set boundaries.
The best way to help an active addict is to not help them. Paradoxical I know, but it is the truth. It's different if an addict were to call me and say "I want to go to rehab and I don't know where to begin". That is help that would make sense to me. Active addicts manipulate people and count on their guilt. Please don't feel guilty about anything that is a blessing in your life. Your brother does have choices and he is not willing to make the ones that lead to recovery. I'm sure that he has had offers to help to get him to rehab. Many addicts are so lost in their disease that they can't see the forest for the trees. Until they figure out that they are powerless over their disease they will not reach out for the help that is so freely given.
Glad that you didn't send the check. It's doubtful that it would be used in the way that you hoped.
Thanks for posting
The best way to help an active addict is to not help them. Paradoxical I know, but it is the truth. It's different if an addict were to call me and say "I want to go to rehab and I don't know where to begin". That is help that would make sense to me. Active addicts manipulate people and count on their guilt. Please don't feel guilty about anything that is a blessing in your life. Your brother does have choices and he is not willing to make the ones that lead to recovery. I'm sure that he has had offers to help to get him to rehab. Many addicts are so lost in their disease that they can't see the forest for the trees. Until they figure out that they are powerless over their disease they will not reach out for the help that is so freely given.
Glad that you didn't send the check. It's doubtful that it would be used in the way that you hoped.
Thanks for posting
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Welcome to SR,
I'm glad you found us but sorry you had to look. You did the best thing for your brother today by not helping him. Please go to meetings and if at all possible have your mom go with you.
I am a mother of a recovering addict, and know so many people who brother or sisters of addicts. My pain is no different then the pain you are feeling. We all have the same thing in common, WE LOVE AN ADDICT.
Please keep coming back and posting you will find so much support here. You will find so many people willing to give you the support you need and people who really care about each other.
Hugs coming to you
I'm glad you found us but sorry you had to look. You did the best thing for your brother today by not helping him. Please go to meetings and if at all possible have your mom go with you.
I am a mother of a recovering addict, and know so many people who brother or sisters of addicts. My pain is no different then the pain you are feeling. We all have the same thing in common, WE LOVE AN ADDICT.
Please keep coming back and posting you will find so much support here. You will find so many people willing to give you the support you need and people who really care about each other.
Hugs coming to you
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 62
Hi, from one sis to another.
Coming to SR has helped me incredibly. Sometimes when I feel weak, I just think about the advice I'd received here and it definitly helps me. I had a really hard time detaching -maybe something about being the older sister I guess. I was in your boat, feeling guilty when my life was going well, just waiting for the next bad thing to happen thanks to addiction.
It's taken me a while, but I'm able to enjoy my life without thinking about the little brother. Of course, he's still on my mind (more than I'd like) but I'm able to sometimes, brush aside that wave of panic when I think about him.
It's heartbreaking but what people are saying is true - you have to put yourself first. I wish I was able to understand that a long time before I actually did.
Coming to SR has helped me incredibly. Sometimes when I feel weak, I just think about the advice I'd received here and it definitly helps me. I had a really hard time detaching -maybe something about being the older sister I guess. I was in your boat, feeling guilty when my life was going well, just waiting for the next bad thing to happen thanks to addiction.
It's taken me a while, but I'm able to enjoy my life without thinking about the little brother. Of course, he's still on my mind (more than I'd like) but I'm able to sometimes, brush aside that wave of panic when I think about him.
It's heartbreaking but what people are saying is true - you have to put yourself first. I wish I was able to understand that a long time before I actually did.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
*sister hugs*
I know exactly how you feel!!! My sister is my addict, and I find myself feeling guilty sometimes for the same reason... because I choose to take care of me instead of her.
One thing that I learned through my friends here is that, no matter how much I want to help my sister, there is nothing in the world that I can do that will help her until she is ready to help herself. Sure, not buying myself new work clothes to pay her electric bill might have, at one time, felt like the charitable thing to do, but I have to remind myself that paying an addict's light bill, putting food on their table, even giving them a safe place to stay does them no good at all. If anything, it only makes things worse, because that is one more thing keeping them from reaching their "bottom of the barrel" mentality and ultimately their desire to change. Think of his bottom as the only way out of his addiction, and then think of everything that you consider doing to help him as one more net that he has to get past to get to that hole in the bottom.
Something else I've had to remind myself of lately: how could I think about spending money to enable my addict when my own husband is needing new shoes? Or when we need that money to pay our own light bill? Why should my husband continue to take the back seat in my life just because my sister continues to make bad choices?
I was so relieved when I got to the bottom of the post and saw that you did not give in and send that check. I'm so glad you found us! Please do keep coming back... the more the merrier!
I know exactly how you feel!!! My sister is my addict, and I find myself feeling guilty sometimes for the same reason... because I choose to take care of me instead of her.
One thing that I learned through my friends here is that, no matter how much I want to help my sister, there is nothing in the world that I can do that will help her until she is ready to help herself. Sure, not buying myself new work clothes to pay her electric bill might have, at one time, felt like the charitable thing to do, but I have to remind myself that paying an addict's light bill, putting food on their table, even giving them a safe place to stay does them no good at all. If anything, it only makes things worse, because that is one more thing keeping them from reaching their "bottom of the barrel" mentality and ultimately their desire to change. Think of his bottom as the only way out of his addiction, and then think of everything that you consider doing to help him as one more net that he has to get past to get to that hole in the bottom.
Something else I've had to remind myself of lately: how could I think about spending money to enable my addict when my own husband is needing new shoes? Or when we need that money to pay our own light bill? Why should my husband continue to take the back seat in my life just because my sister continues to make bad choices?
I was so relieved when I got to the bottom of the post and saw that you did not give in and send that check. I'm so glad you found us! Please do keep coming back... the more the merrier!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 62
I just want to add that it's not all financial. I used to sit at home, waiting for the phone to ring - don't be afraid to let yourself relax. Having an addicted family member affects you in so many ways other than financially.
You have your own family, your house, your own life - remember those are the important things in life.
You have your own family, your house, your own life - remember those are the important things in life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
Sorry for what you are going through, but I'm glad you found us.
I'm a recovering addict AND recovering codie (codependent) who's dealt with several addicts.
What everyone here says is true....only by letting him fall on his face, will he get the incentive to get back up and do something different. I know that's what it took for me. I always knew my family loved me, and your brother knows this too, no matter WHAT he may say (we addicts are good at laying on guilt trips). It was by watching my family and those who love me go on with their lives, deal with every-day stuff, that I realized I'd better get my butt in gear and get into recovery. Of course, getting locked up for almost 6 months helped, too.
I hope you stick around...there are so many wonderful people here, I know I wouldn't have 16 months (today) in recovery without the support I've gotten here and from other forums.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sorry for what you are going through, but I'm glad you found us.
I'm a recovering addict AND recovering codie (codependent) who's dealt with several addicts.
What everyone here says is true....only by letting him fall on his face, will he get the incentive to get back up and do something different. I know that's what it took for me. I always knew my family loved me, and your brother knows this too, no matter WHAT he may say (we addicts are good at laying on guilt trips). It was by watching my family and those who love me go on with their lives, deal with every-day stuff, that I realized I'd better get my butt in gear and get into recovery. Of course, getting locked up for almost 6 months helped, too.
I hope you stick around...there are so many wonderful people here, I know I wouldn't have 16 months (today) in recovery without the support I've gotten here and from other forums.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Good for you and welcome! Face to face meetings and the wonderful people here will definitely help you learn how to live with the addict in your life with healthy tools for you and him.
(((hugs)))
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
My dear baby brother got addicted to crystal meth. After years of bailing him out, loaning him money, worrying and all the stuff that goes with codependency, I finally let go. I only talked to him a few times in years. It was very hard and I did have to go through a grieving period.
He got clean and sober 10 years ago. We have slowly established our relationship and I am very, very proud of him. Sometimes, you have to let go so they can get better.
Lenina
He got clean and sober 10 years ago. We have slowly established our relationship and I am very, very proud of him. Sometimes, you have to let go so they can get better.
Lenina
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Originally Posted by brucessister
and after reading the words of mothers and fathers, wives and husbands, I'm feeling like 'just a sister.'
Pain knows no distinction of what relation we are to our addicted loved ones.
Prayers for your brother, that he hits his bottom, and desires recovery, and sobriety.
And prayers for you, and your family.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
this is your brother, u are not just a sister. you love him just as we love all our addicts. my dughter was just like you with her brother until i got a program in my life & she picked up on it. he was "her baby". there is 8yrs. difference in there ages & he was her "doll". do not let him run your life. learn to take him out of youre head & put him in your heart. this is not your fault & there is nothing you can do to keep him clean or sober. it is his choices that has taken him where he is. my son,her brother has been an addict since he was 23yrs. old. he started drinking at17. he is now 37 & sitting in jail yet again. he is looking at alot of time time go around. this site & my program has saved my sanity. i can not save my son only myself. my prayers go up for you & for him. you seem like you will catch on to this program really quick. you are doing the right thing by not sending the check. let him hit his bottom,whatever & whenever that is. you will NEVER do enough for him (he thinks) because it is all about him & he will not take responsibality for himself. let go or be dragged. hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 5
Thanks to all of you. I am overwhelmed by how closely you read my words....maybe more by how deeply you understand. I will read and re-read your messages many times.
I can only hope I can offer similar support to someone else out there.
I can only hope I can offer similar support to someone else out there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Welcome to SR. I think it is great you love your brother so much. I wish my son had any compassion for my daughter, his sister. As you know w/ addicts of any kind, they will use and manipulate as long as they can. It is hard to love and let go at the same time, but it can be done! I was in he slow class and finally got it so anyone can!
keep coming back, great people here who saved my live!
susan
keep coming back, great people here who saved my live!
susan
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: toronto . ontario
Posts: 75
I'm ' just " an aunt to my niece and nephew who are 28 and 30 years old and both of them are addicted to crack . I am ten years older than them so I have been the one the run to when all hell breaks loose . I've been on this road with my nephew since he was 18 and living on my couch !! It's not a nice road to have to go down but the sooner you learn how to not enable the better off both you will be .
SR has helped keep me sane at times ! I don't post regularly but I sure do LURK lots LOL
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugsforasister)) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
SR has helped keep me sane at times ! I don't post regularly but I sure do LURK lots LOL
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugsforasister)) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
BTW, I do know what you mean about "just" being the sister. My parents used to get so mad at me when I would say that I couldn't handle hearing every detail about every incident... because, after all, I'm "just her sister," and they are her parents, so there was no way that I could "possibly feel the same pain they felt." Or at least my mom would say this. I finally learned to let it go in one ear and out the other. I learned that her being in denial is not just denial of my sister's condition and what needs to happen to save everyone else's sanity; but in the course of all of this, she somehow came to believe that she was the only victim of my sister's illness. As if the world revolves around her.
So, when everyone else here tries to tell you that you're not "just a sister," just know that they are right. Your pain is just as real as anyone else's, and you deserve to heal just as much as anyone else does.
I hope things are going alright. Keep us posted!
*hugs*
So, when everyone else here tries to tell you that you're not "just a sister," just know that they are right. Your pain is just as real as anyone else's, and you deserve to heal just as much as anyone else does.
I hope things are going alright. Keep us posted!
*hugs*
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hey, glad to meet you but sorry for you having to be here. i agree with the others, addictions hurts all involved. youre not alone here. keep posting and i'll keep you and your family in our prayers. btw, i pray that you get and enjoy your new washer & dryer.
addicts will find a way to get what is most important to them, and that includes a safe place to live and even then, they will hang out in some of the most dangerous places. bailing him out means that he can continue to use his money for his doc while you sacrifice the things you need for you and your family. keeping you and your family in my prayers. i pray that he finds his way soon.
addicts will find a way to get what is most important to them, and that includes a safe place to live and even then, they will hang out in some of the most dangerous places. bailing him out means that he can continue to use his money for his doc while you sacrifice the things you need for you and your family. keeping you and your family in my prayers. i pray that he finds his way soon.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
My little sister got me here, too - she was drinking daily and using meth and smoking pot and her health was deteriorating and she couldn't keep a job. She sounded crazy when she talked... and she was getting worse and worse.
Today, she has four years sober (or maybe five, I can't keep track!). She is one of my best friends in the world and I admire her very much.
She did not get sober through meetings, and has only attended a few 12-step meetings (with me). She just "decided" one day... and that was that.
But first - she lost 3 marriages, the relationship with her only child, a brother, and a home (not counting several jobs). It was when she couldn't even get a minimum wage job that SHE made a change for HER reasons.
From the outside, I would have sworn that losing the house or the relationships would have been her "bottom", but for her, from HER perspective, it was losing the ability to support herself that was a big deal for her.
My mom got sober 28 years ago - she also does not use a program. And she also lost many relationships, wrecked some cars and was losing her jobs... but when SHE quit, it was because she was not allowed to hold her first grandchild. Which, for HER, was the final straw.
For me, I quit 23 years ago - in order to get pregnant and raise a family (I also quit without a program). Those reasons were paramount to ME.
I guess what I am saying is that each of us has reasons to quit drinking and for each of us those reasons are different and often not clear until we look back. Because sobriety comes from within, and only when we don't get something we really want... it does not help to support and "help" active addicts. After all, if they are still getting all their needs met, AND getting their drugs of choice - why in the world would they ever change?
So one of my jobs is to not "enable"... for me, that means no money. But I can make choices about what I will provide. I feed my kids - not by giving money (which goes to drugs), but by purchasing food occassionally. My choice. No resentments allowed.
I don't do things to try to manipulate them into treatment or rehab or recovery (mostly - I do slip from time to time), but I try to figure out what sort of way I LIKE to live and what sort of boundaries that entails. For example, I may not accept collect phone calls from jail, I take the phone off the hook at night (to ensure a good night's sleep) and try not to cancel my plans to fix their "emergencies".
Addicts don't like us to know how capable they really are... they are wiley and smart and crafty and sly - they can get their drugs by going through all sorts of convoluted situations and trades and deals. If they really want to eat - they absolutely know how to get food at shelters and through service organizations. If they choose not to eat - that is their right.
I do wish you well and urge you to find some Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area - they helped me more than anything.
(((hugs)))
Today, she has four years sober (or maybe five, I can't keep track!). She is one of my best friends in the world and I admire her very much.
She did not get sober through meetings, and has only attended a few 12-step meetings (with me). She just "decided" one day... and that was that.
But first - she lost 3 marriages, the relationship with her only child, a brother, and a home (not counting several jobs). It was when she couldn't even get a minimum wage job that SHE made a change for HER reasons.
From the outside, I would have sworn that losing the house or the relationships would have been her "bottom", but for her, from HER perspective, it was losing the ability to support herself that was a big deal for her.
My mom got sober 28 years ago - she also does not use a program. And she also lost many relationships, wrecked some cars and was losing her jobs... but when SHE quit, it was because she was not allowed to hold her first grandchild. Which, for HER, was the final straw.
For me, I quit 23 years ago - in order to get pregnant and raise a family (I also quit without a program). Those reasons were paramount to ME.
I guess what I am saying is that each of us has reasons to quit drinking and for each of us those reasons are different and often not clear until we look back. Because sobriety comes from within, and only when we don't get something we really want... it does not help to support and "help" active addicts. After all, if they are still getting all their needs met, AND getting their drugs of choice - why in the world would they ever change?
So one of my jobs is to not "enable"... for me, that means no money. But I can make choices about what I will provide. I feed my kids - not by giving money (which goes to drugs), but by purchasing food occassionally. My choice. No resentments allowed.
I don't do things to try to manipulate them into treatment or rehab or recovery (mostly - I do slip from time to time), but I try to figure out what sort of way I LIKE to live and what sort of boundaries that entails. For example, I may not accept collect phone calls from jail, I take the phone off the hook at night (to ensure a good night's sleep) and try not to cancel my plans to fix their "emergencies".
Addicts don't like us to know how capable they really are... they are wiley and smart and crafty and sly - they can get their drugs by going through all sorts of convoluted situations and trades and deals. If they really want to eat - they absolutely know how to get food at shelters and through service organizations. If they choose not to eat - that is their right.
I do wish you well and urge you to find some Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area - they helped me more than anything.
(((hugs)))
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