cannabis addiction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 3
cannabis addiction
Mine isn't the classic stealing/jail drug story which is why this is long and complicated. After 6 years I married my husband, who had always smoked a bit of cannabis, 7 months ago. He told me he had got a credit card before we married but promised me to only ever use it in an emergency. He used it for a packet of cigarrettes and he was hooked. He ran up huge debts on 2 cards which have funded drink and cannabis for 6 months; he disappeared for days without ever letting me know, brawled in the street, gambled and has been drinking after work 4 out of 5 days. He has unlimited supply of cannabis and smokes from when he wakes up to when he goes to sleep. At first I tried to avoid arguments etc and now see I let it continue, but i've been at my wits end, and filled with self-doubt; He was good at trivialising it and called me a control freak. Then he inherited enough money to clear his debts and we spoke about how he'd been living and about the pain it caused me; he said he knew if he carried on like he had he would kill himelf and lose me. Two days later he was back to normal. When I came home from work on the third day, him still out drinking I snapped. I realised I couldn't make anything change. The next day (a week ago) I told him I wanted out. This shocked him, even though earlier he had said he knew he'd lose me if he didn't stop. Then when he told me he thought I'd planned to tell him I wanted out once he had put the money in our joint account so I could steal his money I realised how delusional and paranoid he had become and that there was a real problem in his mind; especially because when his head was clear he could see exactly where he was heading. Looking back now I see he has never been made to deal with his bad choices and I've helped to create this by always saving him. I'm now confident a cannabis addiction is leading him to believe that this is a reasonable way to live. He manipulated me into trivialising this with him; especially because it isn't a 'classic' addiction. I feel better about myself now I've realised I haven't failed and this isn't my fault and hope that rock bottom will shake him. I think deep down he knows he has some enormous problems. I have finally told his parents because the bottom line is, their son is sick and they might be able to help him. I have their support but he'll think I am trying to turn them against him which is not true. I want to understand what is going on for him so I can deal with this better for both of us and give our marriage and him the best chance of recovery but know he has to realise that he needs help. How can I help him see that and accept it? I am most confused that he could see and articulate things so clearly one day and have completely different perceptions the next. It's as though he lost the memory. Has anyone else been in this situation?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Welcome Bobbijo...
Sweetheart, you are not alone. There will be many wise people who will be along soon to listen and offer wise words. Yes, I have been there. I too married my AH, (pot) knowing that he was smoking. I thought that when, after about 1 year of marriage, he gave up drinking, that the pot smoking had stopped too. It never truly did. He too became delusional (IMO) and was the master at making me think I was nuts. I struggled with "oh, it's just a little weed and it helps me to relax" and "you drink wine, so what's the difference" and "it's hard for me, because of the type of work I do and the people I work with all do it" and "I can stop anytime I want, I don't need help, because it's not a problem". Well, maybe not for him, but for me yes.
That's the point, hon. You need to take care of you. You deserve to be happy and respected, not manipulated. Good for you that you are coming to realize that you can't fix him. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. He will make his choices, you will make yours. Good for you that you decided to reach out on SR. I found this forum, perhaps by accident, perhaps by devine intervention about 2 or 3 months ago. I can't tell you how this has changed my life. Keep coming back here. It really does help.
In the meantime, be kind to you. Keep talking to people here, your friends, whatever support you need and have. Consider Naranon or alanon, maybe. There are people there, who are like us and can help.
Breathe and go easy on yourself. You will find the right path for you.
Good thoughts to you.
Sweetheart, you are not alone. There will be many wise people who will be along soon to listen and offer wise words. Yes, I have been there. I too married my AH, (pot) knowing that he was smoking. I thought that when, after about 1 year of marriage, he gave up drinking, that the pot smoking had stopped too. It never truly did. He too became delusional (IMO) and was the master at making me think I was nuts. I struggled with "oh, it's just a little weed and it helps me to relax" and "you drink wine, so what's the difference" and "it's hard for me, because of the type of work I do and the people I work with all do it" and "I can stop anytime I want, I don't need help, because it's not a problem". Well, maybe not for him, but for me yes.
That's the point, hon. You need to take care of you. You deserve to be happy and respected, not manipulated. Good for you that you are coming to realize that you can't fix him. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. He will make his choices, you will make yours. Good for you that you decided to reach out on SR. I found this forum, perhaps by accident, perhaps by devine intervention about 2 or 3 months ago. I can't tell you how this has changed my life. Keep coming back here. It really does help.
In the meantime, be kind to you. Keep talking to people here, your friends, whatever support you need and have. Consider Naranon or alanon, maybe. There are people there, who are like us and can help.
Breathe and go easy on yourself. You will find the right path for you.
Good thoughts to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
"I feel better about myself now I've realised I haven't failed and this isn't my fault..." --bobbijo
"That's the point, hon. You need to take care of you. You deserve to be happy and respected, not manipulated. Good for you that you are coming to realize that you can't fix him. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." --imallright
No matter how hard we try it seems to always come down to what the addict wants to do. That's why we need to take care of ourselves, it is something we can do and see positive results. That phrase that imallright wrote always help me to stop trying to understand the craziness and confusion. Drugs can mess up people's minds, your H probably has literally lost some memory, and his addiction will prevent him from seeing reality. Trust in yourself and do what you feel is right.
"He manipulated me into trivialising this with him; especially because it isn't a 'classic' addiction" --bobbijo
Seems like this is a common misconception with the general public, that some drugs are better than others and its more socially acceptable for some but not others. But IMO its not what the addicts drug of choice is that makes the addiction bad, its the destructive choices and actions they do while taking it that destroys lives. So I'm not trying to say all drugs are created equal, I know different drugs have different effects on recovery etc, but that the addiction is the main problem, I think. My AH used to use meth, but now he uses pain pills. But his addict behavior is the same with both.
Do things for yourself and take care
"That's the point, hon. You need to take care of you. You deserve to be happy and respected, not manipulated. Good for you that you are coming to realize that you can't fix him. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." --imallright
No matter how hard we try it seems to always come down to what the addict wants to do. That's why we need to take care of ourselves, it is something we can do and see positive results. That phrase that imallright wrote always help me to stop trying to understand the craziness and confusion. Drugs can mess up people's minds, your H probably has literally lost some memory, and his addiction will prevent him from seeing reality. Trust in yourself and do what you feel is right.
"He manipulated me into trivialising this with him; especially because it isn't a 'classic' addiction" --bobbijo
Seems like this is a common misconception with the general public, that some drugs are better than others and its more socially acceptable for some but not others. But IMO its not what the addicts drug of choice is that makes the addiction bad, its the destructive choices and actions they do while taking it that destroys lives. So I'm not trying to say all drugs are created equal, I know different drugs have different effects on recovery etc, but that the addiction is the main problem, I think. My AH used to use meth, but now he uses pain pills. But his addict behavior is the same with both.
Do things for yourself and take care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 3
wise words. I know all of it is true but find it all very difficult to accept. Your advice about the addiction is completely true; the substance itself is not the problem, but his mind is so messed up that I can't communicate with him. Perhaps he knows more about what a mess he's in than he lets on, but it is easier to make it sound like I've got the problem than face reality. If anyone out there thinks weed is a harmless please think again. My husband has been a slave to it; it has cost him thousands of £'s, and distorted his vision so much he thinks that all this is normal. We only got married 7 months ago and it has already wrecked our marriage. Thanks for making me feel a bit more normal x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Crossing the Line
You did not ask and so I apologize for offering unsolicited advise.
I don't know what state you live in but if it's like most states, you are equally responsible for any debt your husband racks up. There is no such thing as his versus your debt, in most states. His unpaid debt can destroy your credit rating and vice- versa.
So often, too often, it seems that when trust in a marriage has been compromised, one or both parties decide that a baby will refocus their commitment to the family. This rarely works out, as planned.
I wish more woman would choose to take time before conception and ponder the "what if" they find themselves raising the child on their own. Babies are blessings, not solutions to problems.
I don't know what state you live in but if it's like most states, you are equally responsible for any debt your husband racks up. There is no such thing as his versus your debt, in most states. His unpaid debt can destroy your credit rating and vice- versa.
So often, too often, it seems that when trust in a marriage has been compromised, one or both parties decide that a baby will refocus their commitment to the family. This rarely works out, as planned.
I wish more woman would choose to take time before conception and ponder the "what if" they find themselves raising the child on their own. Babies are blessings, not solutions to problems.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
my son is the addict in my life and his drug of choice is Pot. It has completely altered his life and his life revolves around it. So when someone says you can't get addicted to pot I could scream.
but you have lots of advice before me.
you can't "get" him to "see" anything. Or trust me I would have found that fro my son. I was a determined mother and I was going to help him get away from this. It just made it worse.
Al-Anon has brought me such peace and given me so much information and support to see what I can do which is work on me. So I offer that to you as my advice.
As for an addict spouse they will always be stoned enough to expect you to stay and sober enough to be surprised you are still there. And used to you enough to know what you'll probably put up with all of it no matter what they do.
Until you find your own sobriety and that can scare the heck out of them,
Praying for you both.
but you have lots of advice before me.
you can't "get" him to "see" anything. Or trust me I would have found that fro my son. I was a determined mother and I was going to help him get away from this. It just made it worse.
Al-Anon has brought me such peace and given me so much information and support to see what I can do which is work on me. So I offer that to you as my advice.
As for an addict spouse they will always be stoned enough to expect you to stay and sober enough to be surprised you are still there. And used to you enough to know what you'll probably put up with all of it no matter what they do.
Until you find your own sobriety and that can scare the heck out of them,
Praying for you both.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
