Is it necessary to tell people in my life?
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Is it necessary to tell people in my life?
I posted a week ago after my daughter was admitted to behavioral health for detox from heroin. She is home now and on Suboxone. She is doing better and is very motivated to stay off drugs. She is going to outpatient rehab and NA. The problem I am having is dealing with my family and friends. She doesn't want them to know about her addiction and I don't see any great advantage of telling them, but it is uncomfortable for me to dodge questions about her health and school situation. She has missed alot of school and has had some major health problems which were directly related to using, but we didn't know that at the time. How have you all dealt with this?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I don't know how old your daughter is, but maybe you should ask her how she feels about this? One thing that I learned (the hard way) is that once you tell someone, it's no longer in your hands who knows. They may promise to keep it to themselves, but you just don't know unless you're the one carrying that information.
I told someone about my husband's use and that person (even though they promised not to tell anyone else) did tell someone and it put us both in a really hard situation.
I'm not trying to keep secrets, but I leave the telling up to my husband now. Who is he comfortable talking to about this, etc. Some people don't understand the recovery process or how it effects those within. They just think in terms of black and white: drugs are evil, he's going to hell (or) why is it so big of a deal that he used? You can get both sides from people that have no idea what you're going through or how fragile recovery can be.
I guess, to reiterate, I'd ask her how she feels about it. Who she feels comfortable telling. I do think it's very important for you (and others in your and my) situation to have some kind of confidante, though, someone they can talk to or this kind of stuff will eat you up from the inside out.
Anyway, I'm so glad she's on her way. She sounds like she's taking it seriously! More hope to go around. I always need that!
I told someone about my husband's use and that person (even though they promised not to tell anyone else) did tell someone and it put us both in a really hard situation.
I'm not trying to keep secrets, but I leave the telling up to my husband now. Who is he comfortable talking to about this, etc. Some people don't understand the recovery process or how it effects those within. They just think in terms of black and white: drugs are evil, he's going to hell (or) why is it so big of a deal that he used? You can get both sides from people that have no idea what you're going through or how fragile recovery can be.
I guess, to reiterate, I'd ask her how she feels about it. Who she feels comfortable telling. I do think it's very important for you (and others in your and my) situation to have some kind of confidante, though, someone they can talk to or this kind of stuff will eat you up from the inside out.
Anyway, I'm so glad she's on her way. She sounds like she's taking it seriously! More hope to go around. I always need that!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Hi Debbn, I wish you the best during this time. I agree with zombiewife, let your daughter be the one who decides.
Of course you have to make the decision about how you deal with people's questions. All I can do is offer my experience. With family, only my mom, our sons, and his family know. (My husband is my addict). I do feel bad about not being honest, its not like me to lie. But I don't come right out and lie, I mostly deflect the questions like this: "D. is going having some health problems right now, when he is ready to talk about it, he will." I know they want to know more, out of concern I'm sure, but I just don't say anything else.
With friends and coworkers, I have learned that most people really don't understand, and many will tell others. Then, no matter how good your daughter is doing, to some people she will always be that one who was a drug addict. IMO that might make it harder for her to get on with her life. Take care.
Of course you have to make the decision about how you deal with people's questions. All I can do is offer my experience. With family, only my mom, our sons, and his family know. (My husband is my addict). I do feel bad about not being honest, its not like me to lie. But I don't come right out and lie, I mostly deflect the questions like this: "D. is going having some health problems right now, when he is ready to talk about it, he will." I know they want to know more, out of concern I'm sure, but I just don't say anything else.
With friends and coworkers, I have learned that most people really don't understand, and many will tell others. Then, no matter how good your daughter is doing, to some people she will always be that one who was a drug addict. IMO that might make it harder for her to get on with her life. Take care.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Layton, Utah
Posts: 60
I understand how you feel, my daughter wanted to keep it a secret cause she was embaressed. She said she felt like a loser. I told her that my family already knows something is wrong, lets give the ones closest to us the chance to help and love you through this.
We also had 3 other kids in our neighborhood go through the same thing. Most of the people we shared with were and still are very supportive.
One of my dearest freinds and husband are recovered addicts.
A few of my siblings turned away, (good ridence), and my "best friend" since childhood.
It was painful to see these people do this, but I realized that she is an addict for life and that I can't allow people who are negative or weak to be around us during this process.
All in all I have had alot of support and love with her.
Her DOC was OXY and she is on suboxone.
I wish you and her the best, the people here got me through the hard times, and I know that someone is always here night or day that understands.
We also had 3 other kids in our neighborhood go through the same thing. Most of the people we shared with were and still are very supportive.
One of my dearest freinds and husband are recovered addicts.
A few of my siblings turned away, (good ridence), and my "best friend" since childhood.
It was painful to see these people do this, but I realized that she is an addict for life and that I can't allow people who are negative or weak to be around us during this process.
All in all I have had alot of support and love with her.
Her DOC was OXY and she is on suboxone.
I wish you and her the best, the people here got me through the hard times, and I know that someone is always here night or day that understands.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
A need to know is the only time I see a need to tell.
Not telling is not a lie if they have no need to know.
How is daughter doing?
She is doing well.
How is her health issues doing?
She seems to have a handle on things and is getting better.
Short sweet answer or even telling them it is none of their business...
Not telling is not a lie if they have no need to know.
How is daughter doing?
She is doing well.
How is her health issues doing?
She seems to have a handle on things and is getting better.
Short sweet answer or even telling them it is none of their business...
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I was honest with people when they asked how my daughter was doing. These were people that knew her from school or church. Given the chance again, I think that I would not have given so much information. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
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I pick and choose who I tell. I have shared with my family......brothers, sisters, mil, etc.
A few of my closest friends who I know would not judge her or me. I needed people in my life that could be there for me when I needed them. I didn't want to burden my sons about my daughters addiction too much because it was causing sibling problems. I am glad I was choosy because even the ones closest to me that I told sometimes tend to ask too many questions that I don't want to answer. I have learned to say I just don't want to talk about it today. My brothers and sisters have been wonderfully supportive of her and me. I am so glad I was honest with them. My daughter has opened up to them also, so it has been good for her too.
My advice is.....be selective
A few of my closest friends who I know would not judge her or me. I needed people in my life that could be there for me when I needed them. I didn't want to burden my sons about my daughters addiction too much because it was causing sibling problems. I am glad I was choosy because even the ones closest to me that I told sometimes tend to ask too many questions that I don't want to answer. I have learned to say I just don't want to talk about it today. My brothers and sisters have been wonderfully supportive of her and me. I am so glad I was honest with them. My daughter has opened up to them also, so it has been good for her too.
My advice is.....be selective
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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It's really helpful to hear all of your replies. I have been talking to my daughter about who she is comfortable telling which is a very limited group of people. I told my best friend the first day I found out because I really needed support. She is highly trusted and I am confident that she will not be talking about it to anyone. When I think I might tell someone, I find that I step back and ask myself why, who is it benefitting? Usually its only for me, for them to see how much pain I am in. It certainly is not to help her and will more than likely make her uncomfortable when she sees them if they know. I just need to learn to dodge the questions and give the vague responses. It is soooo not me. Thankfully she is very understanding of my need to talk about it, and we have been talking for hours every day.
On a side note, her friend that she was using with has gone in to treatment as well which is great. They are not allowed to hang out together, but so far she hasn't given me any grief about that. She did tell him that she couldn't see him and as far as I know he hasn't made any attempt to see her.
On a side note, her friend that she was using with has gone in to treatment as well which is great. They are not allowed to hang out together, but so far she hasn't given me any grief about that. She did tell him that she couldn't see him and as far as I know he hasn't made any attempt to see her.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
My 20 year old daughter has been on subs for three months now. The first month was a little rough for her -- she went through a bit of depression, lack of appetite, insomnia. She said everything was just blah. In hindsight I think the blahs had a lot to do with no 'highs' any longer. She's fine now, eats like a horse again, and the blahs are gone. Has all sorts of energy to do everything but clean up her room without my constant nagging.
All in all, everything is back to normal.
All in all, everything is back to normal.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I know they get very sick, Debbn. I have been reading about it on the substance abuse forum under drug addiction (first hand knowledge by those who have lived through it) and it sounds like a nightmare. I know that days 1-3 are the worst, until they get the dosage of suboxone right for the patient. Honestly, I have not involved myself much in my son's recovery other than to be a presence in the house, a stability that he can count on. I actually was not here the first week he came home from the hospital, as I went on a vacation that I had planned for some time (terrible timing for him, but probably life-saving for me). He is very vested and committed to this program at this point, and I would say it's been about 2 1/2 weeks since he started the process, so I know it's all still new and exciting. I hope his enthusiasm and dedication to meetings and counseling stays in the forefront. From what I've read, the suboxone alone doesn't work with the higher success rates without working an active program of meetings and steps. His counselor is all about lifestyle change, teaching about triggers, and just making him feel like he is doing something really wonderful. I'm excited for him, in a way, like a mother is for her son when he is learning cool stuff (that you already know) and telling you about it.
I try not to put too much focus on him, actually Debbn. I do that for me, but I think it is helping him also to own his own feelings and recovery. I'm here if he feels like telling me something, but I'm not asking him any questions, and just making a comment now and then if I've seen something about the topic on the internet that might be helpful in his recovery. It was his idea to do it, and I was not supportive at the time. I have a problem with the idea of taking one drug to get off another, but it is his life and he is really convinced. He has been very depressed for a long time, and says that for the first time he looks forward to waking up rather than dreading it, no longer in anxiety and stress wondering how he will get a drug and money. He is also no contact with his friends, just hanging around the house a ton. He's 24, but to me is acting more high schoolish than most 24 year olds, but that's okay for now. I know that for today, my son wants very badly to stay sober, and that makes life in the house steady and calm. I'm not sure my daughter would be this quiet about it, though! Girls are way more verbal with their mothers, and bring drama with or without drugs, as I'm sure you know.
I try not to put too much focus on him, actually Debbn. I do that for me, but I think it is helping him also to own his own feelings and recovery. I'm here if he feels like telling me something, but I'm not asking him any questions, and just making a comment now and then if I've seen something about the topic on the internet that might be helpful in his recovery. It was his idea to do it, and I was not supportive at the time. I have a problem with the idea of taking one drug to get off another, but it is his life and he is really convinced. He has been very depressed for a long time, and says that for the first time he looks forward to waking up rather than dreading it, no longer in anxiety and stress wondering how he will get a drug and money. He is also no contact with his friends, just hanging around the house a ton. He's 24, but to me is acting more high schoolish than most 24 year olds, but that's okay for now. I know that for today, my son wants very badly to stay sober, and that makes life in the house steady and calm. I'm not sure my daughter would be this quiet about it, though! Girls are way more verbal with their mothers, and bring drama with or without drugs, as I'm sure you know.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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"I hope his enthusiasm and dedication to meetings and counseling stays in the forefront."
I hear you on that.
I am in favor of the Suboxone treatment, but only if she weans off of it when she can. I hear that tapering works well, much better than methadone. I know for a fact that she wouldn't be successful if she tried to go cold turkey...so I don't see what other option she has.
I hear you on that.
I am in favor of the Suboxone treatment, but only if she weans off of it when she can. I hear that tapering works well, much better than methadone. I know for a fact that she wouldn't be successful if she tried to go cold turkey...so I don't see what other option she has.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Layton, Utah
Posts: 60
It's a process, and from what my daughter has said, the suboxone is taking away the cravings so she can focus on cleaning up her life.
As far as your child acting more like high school, at whatever age they start using drugs is usualy the age they emerge at emotionally when they start recovery.
I admire you for just letting him talk when he needs to, with my daughter it was something i had to learn.
As far as your child acting more like high school, at whatever age they start using drugs is usualy the age they emerge at emotionally when they start recovery.
I admire you for just letting him talk when he needs to, with my daughter it was something i had to learn.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by debbn 
I hear that tapering works well, much better than methadone.
The comment about age is so true. My daughter has had this addiction for a year now so her current state is much the same as it was previously. Her bf is 26 and has had this disease since he was 20 and in a terrible car accident. His emotional age is very close to my daughters.
They both have a lot of growing up to do but at least they have started
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
My family and best friends know my son in an addict and it helps to talk to them openly.
Because that is my story too, dealing with my only child being an addict.
My son is in rehab in Arizona. If someone asks about him I simply say he is living in AZ.
I tell the as much of the truth as necessary. His mental health problems/addiction are
as private a matter as any other health problem to non essential relationships.
Because that is my story too, dealing with my only child being an addict.
My son is in rehab in Arizona. If someone asks about him I simply say he is living in AZ.
I tell the as much of the truth as necessary. His mental health problems/addiction are
as private a matter as any other health problem to non essential relationships.
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