Hello...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
(((((((Meggie))))))))
I sent you a PM.
I know how hard this is for you.
I'm glad you came here to share what is going on.
You've got alot of people here who understand how you feel and what you're going thru. Lean on us for a while and know that you WILL get thru this.
Big hugs to you...and your precious little boy...
And prayers for all of you....
I sent you a PM.
I know how hard this is for you.
I'm glad you came here to share what is going on.
You've got alot of people here who understand how you feel and what you're going thru. Lean on us for a while and know that you WILL get thru this.
Big hugs to you...and your precious little boy...
And prayers for all of you....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Meggie,
I understand about the "limbo" part. You're not really married (or living like married people) you're not really separated or divorced, but nothing is the same as it used to be. And, I totally understand about the in-laws. Mine had NO idea what was really going on in our life. NOT a clue. (I have to take responsibility for a lot of that because I painted a very rosy picture of how perfect it all was!) They were hurt and lost and confused too. Ultimately I realized they had some grief to work thru as well - the loss of the dream for their son and his life with his wife (me). We were all a part of each others' lives for 12 yrs so it wasn't something that was just cut & dried & over.
Take it one day at a time, and allow yourself to feel all of those feelings. It might help to keep a journal...
And your son? It's complicated for little ones to understand that although mommy and daddy can't live together anymore, both still love the kids just the same. There are some good books on how to talk to kids about it, also some good counselors out there.
BIG HUGS. It will get better.
Cats
I understand about the "limbo" part. You're not really married (or living like married people) you're not really separated or divorced, but nothing is the same as it used to be. And, I totally understand about the in-laws. Mine had NO idea what was really going on in our life. NOT a clue. (I have to take responsibility for a lot of that because I painted a very rosy picture of how perfect it all was!) They were hurt and lost and confused too. Ultimately I realized they had some grief to work thru as well - the loss of the dream for their son and his life with his wife (me). We were all a part of each others' lives for 12 yrs so it wasn't something that was just cut & dried & over.
Take it one day at a time, and allow yourself to feel all of those feelings. It might help to keep a journal...
And your son? It's complicated for little ones to understand that although mommy and daddy can't live together anymore, both still love the kids just the same. There are some good books on how to talk to kids about it, also some good counselors out there.
BIG HUGS. It will get better.
Cats
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Meggie, wow, you are going through so much right now. We haven't "met", but I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and your son. It may be hard to see, but you are taking steps that will begin to make things better for you and your son. Time can do so much, things will become more clear. Imagine what your life could be like in one year without him in your life.
Just take it one day at a time. Take your son to see a movie or go to the park, maybe getting out of the house with all those constant reminders will help get your mind off all that other stuff.
Your son sounds like he knows what he wants right now, and its not to see his dad. Hard as that is to take, it just might be the right thing to do for now. There are also counselors who specialize with children. I left my abusive first H. My then 6-7 year old son (or so) told me he didn't want to be around his dad either and I realized I didn't want him to be around that kind of life. My son was in counseling for about six months. Now he is 20, and his relationship with his dad is what my ex made it---pretty much non-existent. I'm sorry that my son didn't have his father to turn to for guidance, but others in his life provided that positive male influence (grandfathers on both sides, uncles).
Don't be so hard on yourself. This isn't about how much he loved you, its been about his addiction. Now, start making it about you and your son. I wish you all the best in the coming months.
:praying
Just take it one day at a time. Take your son to see a movie or go to the park, maybe getting out of the house with all those constant reminders will help get your mind off all that other stuff.
Your son sounds like he knows what he wants right now, and its not to see his dad. Hard as that is to take, it just might be the right thing to do for now. There are also counselors who specialize with children. I left my abusive first H. My then 6-7 year old son (or so) told me he didn't want to be around his dad either and I realized I didn't want him to be around that kind of life. My son was in counseling for about six months. Now he is 20, and his relationship with his dad is what my ex made it---pretty much non-existent. I'm sorry that my son didn't have his father to turn to for guidance, but others in his life provided that positive male influence (grandfathers on both sides, uncles).
Don't be so hard on yourself. This isn't about how much he loved you, its been about his addiction. Now, start making it about you and your son. I wish you all the best in the coming months.
:praying
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Oh Meggie... what a rough road you have been on.
When Mr. Big and I got divorced... it was HE who left ME. Even though I was the one who kept threatening to leave. It was HE who actually made the decision and filed. Our first marriage was violent and horrible. It was better for everyone with us apart (and even better when a year later, he invited me to join him in group counseling). But we could not have got through those three years of counseling without the divorce in the first place.
Today, 17 years after the divorce, and 14 years after the remarriage, my kids remember that as a "good" time, when daddy lived in the trailer. Daddy was much more fun then - he had the time and energy to be a better dad. And the counselign meant we were better at communicating. Hell, we could use another round of that counseling, I think.
But I wanted to tell you that not ALL divorces are the end-all. Sometimes, it can mean an eventual reunion of the same people.... after some growth. For others, it can mean the freedom to finally be able to concentrate on selfish issues. Why did Mr. Big wait until after the divorce to seek counseling? I wanted it for a looong time while we were still married. But he needed to do it for his reasons and in his time. And so we divorced.
What I do know, is that the pain of living without that constant "other focus" does get better. Heck, 1990 was the year I discovered working out - up until then, I had never had the time. But after the divorce, I found I had TONS of time on my hands - for the same reasons as you ... suddenly, I wasn't spending all my days thinking about and doing for someone else. I had time for me.
Prayers going up for comfort and peace, Meggie... (((Star)))
When Mr. Big and I got divorced... it was HE who left ME. Even though I was the one who kept threatening to leave. It was HE who actually made the decision and filed. Our first marriage was violent and horrible. It was better for everyone with us apart (and even better when a year later, he invited me to join him in group counseling). But we could not have got through those three years of counseling without the divorce in the first place.
Today, 17 years after the divorce, and 14 years after the remarriage, my kids remember that as a "good" time, when daddy lived in the trailer. Daddy was much more fun then - he had the time and energy to be a better dad. And the counselign meant we were better at communicating. Hell, we could use another round of that counseling, I think.
But I wanted to tell you that not ALL divorces are the end-all. Sometimes, it can mean an eventual reunion of the same people.... after some growth. For others, it can mean the freedom to finally be able to concentrate on selfish issues. Why did Mr. Big wait until after the divorce to seek counseling? I wanted it for a looong time while we were still married. But he needed to do it for his reasons and in his time. And so we divorced.
What I do know, is that the pain of living without that constant "other focus" does get better. Heck, 1990 was the year I discovered working out - up until then, I had never had the time. But after the divorce, I found I had TONS of time on my hands - for the same reasons as you ... suddenly, I wasn't spending all my days thinking about and doing for someone else. I had time for me.
Prayers going up for comfort and peace, Meggie... (((Star)))
Starry Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Thank you. There is zero chance that he'll ever come home. I know this in my heart. He has decided he is done and that was all there ever was too it. I am completely breaking down, I realize it and I know it is selfish but I honestly cannot handle the pain.
He expects more from me than I am capable of right now. For example, he helped me set up my new TV that replaces the one he is taking (my tv was a gift from a family member). I understand that he did that b/c he feels badly about what he is doing. However he then realized his TV would not fit in his car and demanded to use MY car to take his tv back to his new apt. To me, that is a slap in the face. I am SO against this divorce and I feel it is too painful and too much to ask of me to HELP him leave me. So I said no.
He called me a terrible person.
Me.
Everytime I see him, everytime I talk to him, it is the most painful experience of my life. I just can't do it anymore. I am terrifed, so afraid. I thought I was afraid and living on tenterhooks when I was with him, so afraid he'd relapse that day or I'd get up in the morning and something would be missing that he sold for drugs....that happened so many times. But now I realize what true terror is to me. I have no future, its completely black in my mind. Everyone will say I have so much life ahead but frankly and honestly, I don't want to live it without him there. The reason I was so afraid before was that I was afraid he wouldn't come home. That was my true fear, not losing money, not him selling things, just that he'd be dead or leave me. And now he has.
I am not functioning. I am not doing the small part time job I have. I feel like I will not be able to do anything until he comes home.
But he's not coming home.
Perhaps it is me who is not willing to make things work. Perhaps it is me who refuses to see what the reality is. Yesterday he told me he had had a hard day and that he had doubts....doubts that what he is doing is right. It hurts that he says that. I know his doubts are only fleeting.
I also know that drugs have addled his brain again. When he relapsed three weeks ago, he fried his thoughts again. We were so so happy until his relapse after 7 mos. clean in November. He was happy, he really was. And then when the drugs came back, he started to say how unhappy he was. And he told me he didn't want to make any decisions just yet because he knew his brain was messed up and he should wait til it cleared before he made a decision he'd regret.
he seems to have forgotten that. He seems to have forgotten that addict thinking has always gotten in the way. He doesn't believe in it anymore. The marriage is the real problem. and he will never change on that.
He will never come back.
I don't have the nerve for anything like suicide but I know I'll be walking around dead on the inside until he comes home or god takes me in his time.
He expects more from me than I am capable of right now. For example, he helped me set up my new TV that replaces the one he is taking (my tv was a gift from a family member). I understand that he did that b/c he feels badly about what he is doing. However he then realized his TV would not fit in his car and demanded to use MY car to take his tv back to his new apt. To me, that is a slap in the face. I am SO against this divorce and I feel it is too painful and too much to ask of me to HELP him leave me. So I said no.
He called me a terrible person.
Me.
Everytime I see him, everytime I talk to him, it is the most painful experience of my life. I just can't do it anymore. I am terrifed, so afraid. I thought I was afraid and living on tenterhooks when I was with him, so afraid he'd relapse that day or I'd get up in the morning and something would be missing that he sold for drugs....that happened so many times. But now I realize what true terror is to me. I have no future, its completely black in my mind. Everyone will say I have so much life ahead but frankly and honestly, I don't want to live it without him there. The reason I was so afraid before was that I was afraid he wouldn't come home. That was my true fear, not losing money, not him selling things, just that he'd be dead or leave me. And now he has.
I am not functioning. I am not doing the small part time job I have. I feel like I will not be able to do anything until he comes home.
But he's not coming home.
Perhaps it is me who is not willing to make things work. Perhaps it is me who refuses to see what the reality is. Yesterday he told me he had had a hard day and that he had doubts....doubts that what he is doing is right. It hurts that he says that. I know his doubts are only fleeting.
I also know that drugs have addled his brain again. When he relapsed three weeks ago, he fried his thoughts again. We were so so happy until his relapse after 7 mos. clean in November. He was happy, he really was. And then when the drugs came back, he started to say how unhappy he was. And he told me he didn't want to make any decisions just yet because he knew his brain was messed up and he should wait til it cleared before he made a decision he'd regret.
he seems to have forgotten that. He seems to have forgotten that addict thinking has always gotten in the way. He doesn't believe in it anymore. The marriage is the real problem. and he will never change on that.
He will never come back.
I don't have the nerve for anything like suicide but I know I'll be walking around dead on the inside until he comes home or god takes me in his time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WEST CHESTER PA.
Posts: 18
Meggie, thank you for posting. I can not tell you how much of what you have posted, is alot like what i am going through. My wife and i are going through a complete mess. My wife is in rehab as of now for pills. I have went through all you went through. Most of this pill taking has been blamed on me not leaving HER. She claims she wanted a divorce for a long time, and i wouldn't leave, yet at night she would cuddle up to me, and tell me she loved me, and wented it to work, so how do you know fact from fiction? The thing is you don't, and that is not your fault!! The first few days of her being in there, i was so angry, i couldn't think about her. Now that a few days have passed, and with the help of here, and family, i have realized that being angry, only makes ME worse. Now i am feeling the other affects, i know when she gets out, we are done, the divorce will go through, and that should be great news. The truth is now i have hit the missing part, instead of being angry, i now am into the whole, i wish it never happened, and i miss her. I have spent 10 years of my life with this person, and now i think of the great times we had, and the love we shared. I am not sure it is a good thing, cause it hurts so bad, esp. at night, when all there is too do is think. You will keep going through the rollercoaster, but you need to come to grips that this is NOT your fault. Trust me, i have been blamed for everything since she has been in. The truth is you need to be there for your family, i have 2 kids that are getting me through this, they need me, and i need them. Please think about yourself, and hang in there, you did come here for help, as i did as well, we all need to hang in there, and do our best.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by MeggieStar 
But now I realize what true terror is to me. I have no future, its completely black in my mind. Everyone will say I have so much life ahead but frankly and honestly, I don't want to live it without him there.
I don't have the nerve for anything like suicide but I know I'll be walking around dead on the inside until he comes home or god takes me in his time.
I don't have the nerve for anything like suicide but I know I'll be walking around dead on the inside until he comes home or god takes me in his time.
Your son deserves better than that. He has so much life ahead even if you don't feel you do. If you honestly feel your future is a black hole your son will be sucked into it as well. If you feel you can't pull yourself up and out of this misery for yourself, then try for your son. If you can't, then maybe it's time to contact family and a doctor/therapist and ask for assistance.
I'm so sorry your pain is overwhelming you and you have my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
(((Meggie)))
I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. Although the addict in my life is my daughter, I feel I need to share what has gotten me through this phase in my life. My daughter (21yr) has chosen not to be part of my life. This devastated me! I love her so much!
But, I have decided that this is my "new normal" right now. I can't control how she feels about me right now. I don't know how long this will last. Maybe forever. But in order for me to go on with my life and give my husband and other 18 yr old daughter what they need, I am thinking of this as my new normal.
Your son needs you.
Sending prayers and hugs your way.
I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. Although the addict in my life is my daughter, I feel I need to share what has gotten me through this phase in my life. My daughter (21yr) has chosen not to be part of my life. This devastated me! I love her so much!
But, I have decided that this is my "new normal" right now. I can't control how she feels about me right now. I don't know how long this will last. Maybe forever. But in order for me to go on with my life and give my husband and other 18 yr old daughter what they need, I am thinking of this as my new normal.
Your son needs you.
Sending prayers and hugs your way.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
You are reaching out, here, Meggie... that is something. The next step might be to get to some meetings, and to a counselor. It can't hurt... and you have a danged good reason to want a future that is bright and joy-filled. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Meggie,
The difference between us (the non-addicts) and them (the active addicts) is that while depression can be just like a large black hole, that life seems like it will never be right again, that we will never feel joy or happiness again, we don't choose to anesthetize ourselves. We somehow find the will to keep putting one foot in front of the other. How? We go through the "normal" daily routines of getting up, cleaning ourselves and dressing for the day, tending to our children, eating, going to the grocery, paying the bills, etc. Our hearts may be broken, our world may seem frail and black, but we keep putting one foot in front of the other and walking the walk. Please believe me, Meggie, the road back to LIFE is possible. It is by doing these daily actions that we heal. We don't even realize that we are healing while it is happening.
You can allow yourself time to cry. You can allow yourself time to grieve the life you want but isn't. But you must keep doing the necessary, daily things for yourself and your child to survive, sweetie. Is there a family member you can call that could help you find a counselor? Or that could come over and just "be" with you? I know I hesitated to involve others, but now I know it was absolutely the right thing to do, to let others help me and love me, even when I felt unlovable. Make the call, Meggie. And keep reaching out here for support. We care.
The difference between us (the non-addicts) and them (the active addicts) is that while depression can be just like a large black hole, that life seems like it will never be right again, that we will never feel joy or happiness again, we don't choose to anesthetize ourselves. We somehow find the will to keep putting one foot in front of the other. How? We go through the "normal" daily routines of getting up, cleaning ourselves and dressing for the day, tending to our children, eating, going to the grocery, paying the bills, etc. Our hearts may be broken, our world may seem frail and black, but we keep putting one foot in front of the other and walking the walk. Please believe me, Meggie, the road back to LIFE is possible. It is by doing these daily actions that we heal. We don't even realize that we are healing while it is happening.
You can allow yourself time to cry. You can allow yourself time to grieve the life you want but isn't. But you must keep doing the necessary, daily things for yourself and your child to survive, sweetie. Is there a family member you can call that could help you find a counselor? Or that could come over and just "be" with you? I know I hesitated to involve others, but now I know it was absolutely the right thing to do, to let others help me and love me, even when I felt unlovable. Make the call, Meggie. And keep reaching out here for support. We care.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Meggie,
I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling right now but am so thankful that you are sharing it here with your SR family.
I agree with Big sis and others. There is help out there for you, Meggie. I know it looks very bleak right now, but Meggie I know that your HP can bring you through this and bring you through as an even stronger and more content person.
You have to trust, Meggie, even if you are thinking this plans stinks. Your HP knows what is going on. He is there. And he's provided counselors, meetings and/or recovering friends to help you get through this.
Please consider reaching out. You and your son are so worth it. Time to focus on you, Meggie. You can get through this. I've seen people who've done it, people who have felt just like you are feeling now. And today these people are happy with their lives and themselves.
Prayers for you Meggie. Keep posting and remember that recovery is about taking healthy care of you. If that means counseling, get it. If that means detaching from him because it hurts too much to talk to him, then do it. But take a step today, Meggie, to help yourself.
Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In
I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling right now but am so thankful that you are sharing it here with your SR family.
I agree with Big sis and others. There is help out there for you, Meggie. I know it looks very bleak right now, but Meggie I know that your HP can bring you through this and bring you through as an even stronger and more content person.
You have to trust, Meggie, even if you are thinking this plans stinks. Your HP knows what is going on. He is there. And he's provided counselors, meetings and/or recovering friends to help you get through this.
Please consider reaching out. You and your son are so worth it. Time to focus on you, Meggie. You can get through this. I've seen people who've done it, people who have felt just like you are feeling now. And today these people are happy with their lives and themselves.
Prayers for you Meggie. Keep posting and remember that recovery is about taking healthy care of you. If that means counseling, get it. If that means detaching from him because it hurts too much to talk to him, then do it. But take a step today, Meggie, to help yourself.
Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In
Starry Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
I've been on this forum for 4 years and I've seen tons of posts like the ones I've recieved. I've written those posts too. It seems SO EASY. I never realized until this happened that when true devastation occurs in someone's life, the "normal" suggestions don't make a dent. They just don't. Counseling (can't afford it) medication (can't afford it either) making an effort for me son....yeah I KNOW those things are needed. I KNOW I have to be strong for my son.
The thing is, for FIVE YEARS I've been the one who had to be strong for my son. I was the one who had to put one foot in front of the other. I waited, I kept his son in his life while he went to almost a year total of rehab and lived outside the house. I never spoke one bad word against him to my son. I've DONE WHAT I HAD TO DO. AND NOW I'M SICK OF IT. Sick of doing the right thing, sick of being the compassionate one, sick of accomodating.
THIS IS KILLING ME, AND NO ONE CARES.
But then again, no one can do anything that will make even one part of this any better. No one can wake him up, no one will even try. No one will tell him he's making a mistake and it's worth the rocky road to be a family. And why should they?
I sound angry and I am angry, but not with SR. Just with the fact that my life is OVER, no matter what anyone says IT IS. I know it's not ever going to get any better than what I feel today. I know it. I walk around but there just won't ever be any healing for me.
The thing is, for FIVE YEARS I've been the one who had to be strong for my son. I was the one who had to put one foot in front of the other. I waited, I kept his son in his life while he went to almost a year total of rehab and lived outside the house. I never spoke one bad word against him to my son. I've DONE WHAT I HAD TO DO. AND NOW I'M SICK OF IT. Sick of doing the right thing, sick of being the compassionate one, sick of accomodating.
THIS IS KILLING ME, AND NO ONE CARES.
But then again, no one can do anything that will make even one part of this any better. No one can wake him up, no one will even try. No one will tell him he's making a mistake and it's worth the rocky road to be a family. And why should they?
I sound angry and I am angry, but not with SR. Just with the fact that my life is OVER, no matter what anyone says IT IS. I know it's not ever going to get any better than what I feel today. I know it. I walk around but there just won't ever be any healing for me.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Meggie,
Nothing stays the same....ever. Life is always changing so you cannot say this is the way it's always going to be.
Of course, you have a choice. You can choose to try and make it better. The way I did that was by adjusting my outlook, my attitude. Look at your precious child and know that he is a gift from God. Yes, you are angry, you are resentful, you are sick and tired of being the strong one. But you don't have to stay there.
Meetings don't cost a dime. I hope you'll find one because twice a week I sit with people in those meetings, people who were just as miserable as you, just as down as you, just as hopeless as you. I WAS one of those people. And you know what? Those feelings are not there anymore in my recovering friends nor in me. We laugh, we enjoy life ... all because we decided we were worth it and were going to do what it took to get our lives back.
I pray you'll choose to find a meeting and begin getting your life back, a life that is worth living and can be different than what you are experiencing today. My HP did it for me and yours will do it for you. But you have to give Him a chance.
Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In
Nothing stays the same....ever. Life is always changing so you cannot say this is the way it's always going to be.
Of course, you have a choice. You can choose to try and make it better. The way I did that was by adjusting my outlook, my attitude. Look at your precious child and know that he is a gift from God. Yes, you are angry, you are resentful, you are sick and tired of being the strong one. But you don't have to stay there.
Meetings don't cost a dime. I hope you'll find one because twice a week I sit with people in those meetings, people who were just as miserable as you, just as down as you, just as hopeless as you. I WAS one of those people. And you know what? Those feelings are not there anymore in my recovering friends nor in me. We laugh, we enjoy life ... all because we decided we were worth it and were going to do what it took to get our lives back.
I pray you'll choose to find a meeting and begin getting your life back, a life that is worth living and can be different than what you are experiencing today. My HP did it for me and yours will do it for you. But you have to give Him a chance.
Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
thats just it meg-its not easy. it is the hardest thing i have ever went through. it is hard to even put into words. it is like death. it is death. why do you feel that you are nothing and have nothing without this relationship. i have seen lots of posts that you have responded to and you have been very straight with many people here. your situation is not unique and i don't mean that in a mean way. i have felt that mine was, and that my pain was different...it is not. it does and will get better. i found the only way to even start to heal is to cut off all contact. it was the only way to untangle myself and clear my head. i had to force myself to getup and move. faked it untill it bacame natural. i feel that i am worth that much, and my sons were worth it. I make me feel worthy, i make me feel beautiful....all that comes from within. I know how sad you are Meg but you are way too good for this.........You are the prize here. Your HP can help you through this-all you have to do is ask. Hang in there.
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