debbn

I just found this forum and have been reading for hours. You all have written such moving things I can hardly read through my tears. I think I have found what I need to help me through this crazy time in my life.

2 days ago I discovered that my almost 18 year old daughter is using heroin- has been for 10 months. My husband and I got her into a treatment center to help her detox. She says that she wants to be clean, but she has told me so many lies I don't know what to believe.

My first question is, the treatment center she is at says she will be through detox by Sunday. There is a lot of talk about outpatient treatment, but very little about inpatient. I am terrified of her coming home too soon and not being able to stay off the heroin. Should I push to have her admitted to a 28 day program or something?

The next question is what to do about her friend that was using with her. He is almost 21 and I believe his parents have given up on him. They don't know that he is using. My daughter is very worried about him and afraid he won't be able to get help- that his parents would rather throw him out and get him arrested. Personally, I am so angry at him for getting her involved in this that I'd like to see him locked up (I do know that she is as much to blame, but that's beside the point). Should I call his parents? What about his employer? He works as a phlebotomist and draws people's blood all day. Would you want a heroin addict drawing your blood?

I appreciate any advice/ words of wisdom you have for me. My husband and I will be going to a Naranon meeting on Saturday.

ex D-Boy

this may be kind of ironic but heroin addicts know how to find veins and draw blood very well, they get lots of practice doing it to themselves! lol.

In all seriousness , i was a former dopehead as well and while i was using did many everyday things like hold a job, complete my undergraduate studies, etc etc.

Glad your daughter sought out recovery on her own. thats a good sign and hopefully she will never look back.

funkzter

Dear Debbn,

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter using heroin and i'm glad she will get detox on Sunday. It must have been really hard for you to learn that and i believe you did the right thing.
Now, for the program, i think the longer she stays the better it is for her. Check with them the options they have and then discuss with your daughter about what she wants. The point is, if she doesn't want to get better then she won't. But hopefully she'll stay strong and want to follow a long program. She is still young and hasn't been using for that long so if she deals with the issue now i think it's positive and hopeful that she'll get better for the long run.
My boyfriend, and soon to be daddy, is also an heroin addict and he's been shooting up since 15 years ago, on & off. I tell you that there's nothing more that he regrets than starting this drug. He didn't get into program/rehab until he was already using for 6 years and, maybe, if he faced this earlier it would have helped him.
I'm sending all my positive energy for your daughter to be strong and not waste her life away.

Regarding her friend, nothing both her & yourself can do about it right now. You both have enough in your plates. I just hope he'll take the example of your daughter and get the help he needs. If not then i strongly advise your daughter to avoid him after her detox/program...

Take care
Carine

caileesnana

Hi, another mom of AD, age 23. I have found that if you call other parents, most don't believe or don't care. That was more frustration for me as I knew if someone told me my child was doing this or that, I'd be concerned, especially at age 15-18 (any age really!).

My AD has been in rehab 5 times, sober living, half way house, on the streets, etc. The longer you can keep her in treatment the better, change the playground, and playmates. However, that still is no guarantee. We have moved twice, gotten her the "best" help, and as of today she has been gone another 3 months out there. I don't know if she is dead of alive.

My point is, there is hope. people can and do recover every day--when they choose to! It is up to your daughter. It is good she sought out help, bad she is so worried about ex user boyfriend. There are wonderful inpatient programs. I know of an excellent one in Texas. If you need any help let me know. I hate that another parent has to hurt this way and see their beautiful daughter in this situation.

Prayers and understanding,
susan

rahsue

Hi and welcome to SR.
I'm the mother of a Recovering heroin addict, he's 23 now sober for alittle over 90 days and started using when he was 17 off and on.(off and on because of treatment interventions)
It's great that your daughter is getting help so early in her addiction, I believe this is a very good thing. (just my opinion) The longer she can stay at an inpatient facility the better, Outpatient did not work for my son at all but then again that was the first treatment used and he may not have been ready to quit. If I sound alittle wishy washy its because different programs help different people and I don't want to give advice just opinions, personal experience and support for you in your decisions. Its very hard on us as we stand back and try to FIX the situation when its not our situation to fix, but you are in the same boat I was in at the beginning of my sons addiction and I wish I had done some things differently. I did not educate myself in the disease of addiction and most certainy not heroin, this was a drug that bums took not my son. So as far as I was concerned he just needed to detox and go to a few outpatient classes and then he would be back where he belonged, oh my gosh was I a naive fool.
I wouldn't want anyone to go through my stupid faze.
As for your daughters friend, I know sometimes things like this can tear at your heart, on the one hand your mad at him because he was her partner in crime so to speak and then your thinking I'm gonna have to get him sober too so that my daughter stays sober.
It doesn't work that way. I know it sounds logical to you but it just doesn't work that way. I could say to you right now that there are only 2 concerns you have right now one is your daughter and one is yourself but really your concern needs to be on you right now so you don't go out of your mind. Now what I'm about to say is just something I wish I did back when my son was 17, I would have put him in detox and forced him to go to an extended stay program, it may not have worked but it would have been better than the "stupid" outpatient program he went to. (just my opinion)

good luck to you and sorry if I was long winded.

MrsMagoo

I feel so bad about what you are experiencing. My husband is the addict in my life. I hope I never know what it's like to see my child or children destroy themselves. Too much pain!

My experience with detox programs is they are short and basically just get them through the physical withdrawals/cravings. Often the docs prescribed meds for the outside that keep them high in some, way, shape or form. The mental cravings continue, I understand, sometimes indefinately and need to be dealt with.

If it were my child, knowing what I know and having to go through this with my husband, I would want my child in as long as program I could find. I think sober living is critical too. There's a saying, "If nothing changes, nothing changes" and I can see where it would apply to an addict detoxing and coming straight back out to influences and friends that they used with. They won't be supportive in her decision to be clean, if she asks for dope, they won't say, "no, you just got out of detox" they will hook her up in a minute.

She needs a new way of life if she's serious. She needs to align herself with people like her who have the same goals. Meetings will be critical too.

I do think some people can cold turkey or detox on their own but I think the bigger majority of people who say they can are fooling themselves. Herion (or any opiate) is nasty!

My husband also told me that shooting herion is a double addiction. He was addicted to the dope and much as he was addicted to the ***** of the needle. He will put about anything in his arm if he can. Anything in capsule form is not allowed in our house. My therapist told me that another therapist where I go has a patient that will shoot water in her veins, just to shoot it! I wondered about that.....

Love, hugs and support to all of you with children in the bondage of addiction! I cannot imagine what it's like not to be able to pull the parent card and ground them for doing wrong or tearing their tails up for being disrespectful. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have your hands tied because they are over 18 and legally considered "adults".

marle

Everyone has given you some good things to think about. I am the mom of a heroin addicted daughter age 21. One thing about the boy. His parents have probably gone through so much with him that they have chosen to let him go and let God take care of what happens to him. I know when my daughter was first caught using oxys when she was 18, I thought I could make her better. I couldn't and now almost 3 years later, I have given her over to God. If you were to call me, I am sure that you would think that I don't care and have given up on her. I haven't, I have just decided to save myself first. I would absolutely love to see my daughter in jail as it is infinitely better than having her where she is and using. Many parents of addicts feel this way. Maybe you will too one day. So be careful when judging other parents of addicts too harshly. There but for the grace of God go I and you may find yourself in the same position someday. I pray that you don't and that your daughter gets it the first time. Hugs, Marle

debbn

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all of your support. This is especially hard because I don't feel like I can talk to the people that I normally go to for support. They wouldn't have a clue what to say. I am so scared right now, not knowing if she will be able to stay clean and if this is going to be a lifetime battle. I can't imagine not having her in my life, but from what I am reading this is often the case. Is there any hope for a "normal" relationship with my daughter. Will this always be in the forefront of my mind when I think about her or spend time with her?

Spiritual Seeker

In my opinion:
Detox only gets them capable to go into inpatient treatment which is necessary 2nd step to go directly from detox into inpat. ctr.
The longer the treatment the better. 28 days program is unrealistic. I think that # of days was invented by the insurance companies.
My son beg. heroin at 18. He went inpat. in Two of those month long programs and then relapsed immed. ea. time.
At almost 24 he is inpatient at a one yr. program. I have had friends who have had their kids do these yr. programs and these have the best chance at rehabilitation. However they are very expensive.
Best wishes to you as you head down this path. No easy or quick solutions here.
Bringing them home usually never works unless they've had the treatment necessary and even then after inpatient it is highly rec. they go to sober living houses to keep them on track.

MrsMagoo

I dont' think the feeling of always waiting for the other shoe to drop ever goes away completely but I understand that my stepping away, getting into a program yourself and not going crazy over it, you do quit waiting quit so anxiously.

There is always hope for your daughter. Keep looking around here. You can go the othe substance abuse thread and see many many people with tons of clean time under their belt. My husband is the addict in my life and all my family and friends tell me to walk away, once an addict always an addict.

I do believe that to some extent, however, SR and the 12-step meetings I've been too have shown me that it can be done. I understand not being able to talk to anybody. I never thought the word "heroin" would be in my vocabulary unless my friends and I were talking about the TV show "Cops". It used to make me sick to my stomach to say it but now, not so much. You would be surprised about who is doing it. Scary.

Keep coming back. Keep the info coming!

mooselips

debbn,
I just want to jump in and welcome you, I'm glad you found us.
I'm the mother of 2 addict sons, one sober, the other...not so much.
It's a tough road to travel for us parents, and for our addicts.


There isn't any more I can add to what has been said except to reinforce, going to meetings. Meetings saved my sanity, along with S.R.

Hugs to you from one mom to another...

Chino

Did she come and tell you or did you figure it out on your own? I think it's a really important distinction when it comes to wanting to be clean.

I found out my then 19 year old daughter (she's 20 now) was shooting Dilaudid when a friends mom called me last June. My daughter told me she detoxed then because we insisted on it. After a few relapses, she's now working recovery for herself.

I've been seeing an addiction therapist for three months now and, between him, my daughter and this website, have learned a lot.

There's active addiction (they want to get high) and then a maintenance stage (they use to prevent the physical pain of withdrawal). If she was still in active addiction when you sent her, if she didn't hit the proverbial rock bottom, odds are she will use again very soon after detox.

I agree with whomever said since she's underage, you're in the drivers seat and get her into rehab for as long as possible. 28 days is only long enough to address the physical part of addiction, not the psychological part.

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

debbn

She is still at home and has been trying to attend school-supposed to graduate in May- but that obviously hasn't been going well. If she goes into an inpatient program, she will definitely not graduate with her class. If she comes home she may or may not. I know her long-term recovery is more important than graduating with her class, but I doubt she sees it that way. It seems to me that the insurance company's point of view is to try the outpatient first and then if she fails, move on to inpatient. It makes sense financially, but I'm not sure how much my opinion in this counts and whether or not they care about what happens long term.

debbn

She has been having terrible health problems which now a see all were an effect of the heroin. She was hospitalized 2 times toward the end of last year. I know the docs suspected drug abuse and questioned her about it...but of course she lied. They even did drug tests, but the positive test was explained away by the percocet she was taking. I found out when a took her to the doctor, for about the 10th time this year and they wanted to draw blood. She didn't want them to, wanted to go to the lab where her friend/user/phlebotomist could draw her. I was insistent that she get the test done at the doctors office and when she pulled up her sleeve I saw the track marks. So no, she didn't come to me with her problem, but over the past week she had been saying things like "I feel like I need to be in an inpatient psych ward" which in retrospect, I think she was trying to tell me, but just couldn't get the words out. I think she was in maintenance stage as you describe it...but that may be me with my rose colored glasses.

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts, it helps to talk to someone who has been down this road.

marle

My daughter was in the middle of a semester at college when she went to rehab. She stayed 5 days because she told me she wanted to come home and finish the semester in college. I was so naive that I thought she was fixed. She wasn't and coming home was not the right choice for her but being 19 I could not stop her. She relapsed shortly after that, took up with the crack neighbor living downstairs from her and has been going strong in her addiction ever since. Your daughter may get this on her first try or she may relapse over and over until she finally has had enough. Either way this is her battle to fight not yours. You have your own battle with being the mother of an addict and one that you need to put your heart and soul in if you want to survive and thrive. Hugs, Marle

rahsue

Deb... don't look too far ahead for whether or not your relationship will be the same or not. My son has been fighting this thing for quite a few years but our relationship hasn't gone south. Because your in the "beginning stages" I'll call it, theres so much for you too think about and to absorb that you can drive yourself crazy. Just for now take it slow and accept it for what it is, a disease. If your daughter is truly ready to quit you'll know soon enough and if she's not you know soon enough! Keep reading, keep learning and above all else make sure you take care of yourself because if you let this get to you over a period of time your health will be affected, believe me, I speak from experience not just opinions. I played the game for 5 years before I finally found SR and it saved me. Now don't get me wrong, I'm by no means "healed" I'm just in a good spot now because he's been sober for over 90 days, the sh** could hit the fan whenever or never and it may or may not be on my mind forever but I can release some of my emotions that just about killed me before. READ READ READ

good luck to you both

ZombieWife

I don't know a lot about heroin addiction. I do know that I was on delauded for only 2 days and had a heck of a time returning to normal after that (mostly just the aches and pains.) So, if I had a hard time after 2 days, I can't imagine what someone who has used for 10 months (or 10 years) goes through. So, my heart goes out to you and to her.

My thoughts on this are that the longer she stays in treatment, the better. If it were my daughter, I might even push for a 3 month minimum stay if that's possible. But, I can't imagine how much that would cost and what insurance does or does not cover.

I think that her being exposed to this guy again will greatly increase her chance of relapsing. A friend of mine was addicted to heroin and while I don't know much about it as a drug, I do know that she has told me "I've been clean for 10 years, but if it was in the house, I'd use it. If it was placed in front of me. I'd use it. She said that by staying far away from it has kept her clean. It sounds like one of those drugs that makes you very weak.

I'm sure she's very worried about him. When you do drugs with someone, I think it creates this strange, ethereal bond that people feel cannot be broken. I disagree with some in that I WOULD go to his parents and tell them and plead with them to listen. My parents would have listened if someone told them I was on something like that. But, some will not, that's the sad part. But, I think it's worth a shot. I'm hopeful in that way.

Just hang in there and give yourself AND her all our best and good wishes and hopes for the future. And please keep us all updated.

Chino

That's how it is for my daughter. They are addicted to each other.

marle

I agree that there is a bond with drug addicted couples. I think my daughter is as addicted to her abf as she is to the drugs that he supplies her. She tells me that it is an unhealthy relationship but what a wonderful person he is and she does not want to leave him and then have him clean up and someone else gets a wonderful boyfriend. Sounds like a lot of the women on here that are not addicts but love one. Hugs, Marle

itisatruth

Hi and welcome to SR. I hope you find strength and guidance through the experiences and words of the many people here.