mooselips

This is from the book "A life of my Own" by Karen Casey (a Hazelden book)

"We have assumed responsibilty for, or made excuses for other people's actions throughout much of our lives. Maybe we did children's overdue homework, or called in sick for a hungover spouse. As children, we may have pretended a passed out parent was ill, or away, rather than admit the truth. We were far too concerned that others' behavior somehow reflected on who we were. Being responsible for much more than ourselves, came easy.
Now, learning to let others be responsible for themselves troubles us sometimes. It feels as if we are letting them down. In reality, we are letting them grow up. From this fellowship we are learning that for everyone, there is a purpose. We must let others make their own journeys in order that we stay focused on our journey.

I sometimes still want to take responsibity for someone else. However, wanting to and actually doing it, are two different things."

Ann

Reading this I realized that indeed I did all of those things, feeling responsible for the behaviour of others..but what occurred to me this morning is that I don't recall even once that anyone asked me to. I just did it without being asked, without being invited to take control, I just did it. How codie is that?

Today, after a lot of hard work and practice, it comes easy for me to not take ownership of that which is not mine. Today I hold others accountable for their behaviour.

How very grateful I am that recovery has given me the gift of detachment.

Hugs

frankly

I must admit, I still struggle with this. To some degree, I probably always will. It wasn't really even about them as much as it was about me. It made me feel good. It made me feel powerful. It made me feel needed, and wanted. It made me feel worth something. I lived on and drew strength from those illusions. It allowed me to escape my own problems and shortcomming by immersing myself in someone elses. Eventually it became my only self esteem. So when it failed and I couldn't "fix" my very own self worth failed. Eventually it no longer felt good, it felt like a huge iron weight around my neck.

Today, I try to carry my own life, my own problems and the load is bearable. I even have room and time for my own happiness.

B

marle

Me too, Moose and I ordered the book Hugs, Marle

Impurrfect

(((Moose)))

Okay, another book I need to read!

After reading Ann and Frankly's post, I realize I have always taken care of situations, without being asked to, and I did it to make myself feel better. It's probably a big part of why I became a nurse...to fix people.

I'm slowly learning how to step back and let people take care of themselves, but in rereading the thread I read yesterday, I still have a long way to go in not feeling guilty when I don't take care of someone else's problem. Progress, not perfection!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

grateful2b

Thank you for this , mooselips, definitely a book I want to read, right after i get through Drinking : a Love story.....I am half way through.....I am finding it bittersweet to read.

mooselips

Boy oh boy this has me written all over it.
I took care of stuff when I was young, because my father was a drinker, and my mother an extreme dependent person.
It made me feel important.

Then it continued as I became a Nurse.
Which was part of the job, educating your patients.


It's a hard thing to stop doing, that's for sure.

Now with Mr. Moose having occasional health problems,
I feel as if I'm back in the Nurse role again.
(but it's not a bad thing, and it's NOT enabling)


But, as for my sons, I have really backed off from giving advice, or helping out, unless I am asked, and I totally think over my options...